Vows after Domestic Abuse

knottie2ba3a8a909cff7e1 · April 2018

I am working on writing my vows, but feel like I need a couple ideas to help navigate through the beginning of them. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was awful.... I am a domestic abuse survivor. You can imagine the worst, and that's what it was. While I do not want the feel of the vows to start off negative, I do feel it is important to convey the state of emotion I was in prior to meeting my finance. And on the flip side, how incredibly amazing and wonderful my life is now, because of him. I have been trying to search YouTube for inspiration, but I'm only coming up with basic wedding vows. If you have written anything similar or can think of a video I should watch, please let me know!

[Deleted User] · April 2018

I am sorry that you went through that. I will preface my answer with I have never been through a similar ordeal. I am going to assume that your FI knows of your past so you do not have to go into any more detail than something as simple as "when we first met I never thought I would be able to trust and love someone again, but you proved me wrong." Remember these vows are for your FI and your FI only. He knows your past and he will understand what you are trying to convey. You don't need to let all of your guests into that part of your life if you do not wish.

ShesSoCold · April 2018

First off, I'm sorry you went through that and congrats on your engagement and support. You sound like you've come a long way and that is worth celebrating!

Reading the title of your post, I thought you were marrying a man who abused you and I was so worried!

Personally, I agree with PP. I wouldn't go super deep or specific with this. I would speak more generally, something like what PP said (or that old Tim McGraw sing "Not a Moment too Soon" keeps popping into my head). I would speak more about how he has helped you move forward from your past and made you happy again, rather than the terrible things that have happened to you.

justsie · April 2018

I agree with other posters. I would keep more towards how wonderful your life is now and not spend time comparing it to how things were in the past for you.

MobKaz · April 2018

knottie2ba3a8a909cff7e1 said:

I am working on writing my vows, but feel like I need a couple ideas to help navigate through the beginning of them. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was awful.... I am a domestic abuse survivor. You can imagine the worst, and that's what it was. While I do not want the feel of the vows to start off negative, I do feel it is important to convey the state of emotion I was in prior to meeting my finance. And on the flip side, how incredibly amazing and wonderful my life is now, because of him. I have been trying to search YouTube for inspiration, but I'm only coming up with basic wedding vows. If you have written anything similar or can think of a video I should watch, please let me know!

The point of your vows is not to express your past, but to convey your trust and willingness to commit to a new reality together. You are exchanging promises and your intentions as you move forward together as a couple.

I personally do not think that your vows is the proper time or place in which to discuss/acknowledge your past. If you feel the need to make a public declaration, perhaps it might be something you could acknowledge in a brief toast?

MairePoppy · April 2018

Congratulations on healing and moving on with your life. I agree with the other women. Concentrate on the positive, the present and the future.

downtondiva · April 2018

I am very happy that you got away from your abuser and are now in a loving, supportive relationship. However, I don't think it's a good idea use your vows (or anything at the wedding) to talk about how badly you were doing when you first met your FI. Even if you think right now that you can talk about it calmly, you may find yourself getting emotional about it during the ceremony, and not in a good way. Keep the focus on the happiness ahead of you and not the pain behind you.

Jen4948 · April 2018

First, congratulations on your engagement and on getting out of an abusive situation. I'm happy that you were able to do that.

That said, while I have no doubt that it's important to you to talk about your state of mind prior to your engagement, I don't think your wedding vows are the right setting for that. They are supposed to be about promises you and your FI make to each other about your future life rather than your past with someone else.

We tell couples to avoid overt memorial gestures for their deceased loved ones at their weddings in order to keep the focus on their present happiness. I think that the same principle applies here. You don't want to invoke bad memories or painful imagery on what should be a happy occasion.

STARMOON44 · April 2018

Vows are the promises you make to each other not a recap of your life story

LondonLisa · April 2018

knottie2ba3a8a909cff7e1 said:

I am working on writing my vows, but feel like I need a couple ideas to help navigate through the beginning of them. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was awful.... I am a domestic abuse survivor. You can imagine the worst, and that's what it was. While I do not want the feel of the vows to start off negative, I do feel it is important to convey the state of emotion I was in prior to meeting my finance. And on the flip side, how incredibly amazing and wonderful my life is now, because of him. I have been trying to search YouTube for inspiration, but I'm only coming up with basic wedding vows. If you have written anything similar or can think of a video I should watch, please let me know!

The bolded- this is what you write about. This is where you start your vows. Don't give your ex a main part in your new story, even if as the villain. That is giving him too much power to have over you.

When you talk about how great your life is now, it insinuates the past. Everyone at the wedding will know your past.

There is a difference between saying: "My life was terrible because of X,Y, and Z, and then you came along" and "Thank you for teaching me to trust again. I vow to always return the unconditional love and respect you have shown me"

The former is the wrong tone for a wedding and is bound to have people asking about what happened to you. You don't want to start comparisons. The latter is acknowledging how much your fi means to you, and moving forward.

DV is terrible, and I am so glad that you got out of it. But this is not the time, nor place to discuss it. You want everyone talking about how wonderful your Fiancé is, not how terrible your ex is.

Vows after Domestic Abuse

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