Prudie thank you note doozy

redwoodoriginal · May 2018

What are your thoughts, ladies?
This one is... woof.

Q. Wedding thank-yous: I got married in September, and then in February I found out my husband had kept a longtime girlfriend from me. It was all very traumatic and awful. Now we are getting divorced, and all I am concerned about is staying afloat during this difficult time. His mother and my mother keep asking about the thank-you notes for our wedding gifts. I never finished them. But how can I possibly write thank-you notes for money that’s already gone, and gifts that we got as a couple?

redwoodoriginal · May 2018

My first thought is... well you should have had your thank you notes done before February (!) then this wouldn’t be an issue. But that ship has sailed...

I mean I don’t exactly understand her last sentence of “how can I write thank you notes for money that’s already gone and gifts we got as a couple” —- like, even if you weren’t divorcing you’d still have to write TY notes for “money that is gone” because you used it..... and every gift is for the couple... so o__O

mrsconn23 · May 2018

Uhhh...one has nothing to do with the other? Unless she's saying her H absconded with the gifts and money? Also, his mother needs to be asking her son these questions (and possibly quite a few more)?

FURTHERMORE, if you split before a year...isn't the correct etiquette to return the gifts?

Anyway, if they're going to keep the gifts then the TY's need to be sent regardless of the personal turmoil.

Circle jerk of rude behavior going on in just a few sentences.

charlotte989875 · May 2018

"Thank you for the gifts, I really appreciate it/them/the cash".

That's all that needs to be said.

lovesclimbing · May 2018

What does she think TYs are? I guess she thinks they have to look like this:

Dear Wynnchestersin and Jessabella,

Thank you for the crockpot you gave Merloten and I. Merloten and I use it every week. My dear Merloten and I have a roast cooking in it as I write this. Merloten and I will be traveling that direction soon. My darling Merloten and I would love to see you and have a couples date while we are there. We are so in love and happy together, and I am about to tackle my sexy Merloten and have my way with him as soon as this note is finished.

Love, Brytttnia (and my wonderful Merloten)

ShesSoCold · May 2018

Ya know, I know this isn't "correct", but I feel like the thank you card ship has sailed. I would have already judged this couple for not sending me a thank you long ago. To get one now would make me think, "Um, okay thanks, I guess". And then to receive one at the same time that I'm hearing they're divorcing just seems weird.

cupcait927 · May 2018

ShesSoCold said:

Ya know, I know this isn't "correct", but I feel like the thank you card ship has sailed. I would have already judged this couple for not sending me a thank you long ago. To get one now would make me think, "Um, okay thanks, I guess". And then to receive one at the same time that I'm hearing they're divorcing just seems weird.

This is where I'm at. I've already passed judgment and would be really confused as to why I'm receiving a thank you card when I know that you're divorcing.

sparklepants41 · May 2018

cupcait927 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Ya know, I know this isn't "correct", but I feel like the thank you card ship has sailed. I would have already judged this couple for not sending me a thank you long ago. To get one now would make me think, "Um, okay thanks, I guess". And then to receive one at the same time that I'm hearing they're divorcing just seems weird.

This is where I'm at. I've already passed judgment and would be really confused as to why I'm receiving a thank you card when I know that you're divorcing.

Honestly. It's not like I'd be expecting a thank-you note that said "Thank you for the generous check and the panini press. The check really came in handy last week when I paid my divorce attorney and the panini press really made a nice trajectory as I threw it at Fritz when I found out he had a secret girlfriend."

But echoing @mrsconn23 I also thought money/gifts were to be returned if the marriage did not last a year?

charlotte989875 · May 2018

sparklepants41 said:

cupcait927 said:

ShesSoCold said:

Ya know, I know this isn't "correct", but I feel like the thank you card ship has sailed. I would have already judged this couple for not sending me a thank you long ago. To get one now would make me think, "Um, okay thanks, I guess". And then to receive one at the same time that I'm hearing they're divorcing just seems weird.

This is where I'm at. I've already passed judgment and would be really confused as to why I'm receiving a thank you card when I know that you're divorcing.

Honestly. It's not like I'd be expecting a thank-you note that said "Thank you for the generous check and the panini press. The check really came in handy last week when I paid my divorce attorney and the panini press really made a nice trajectory as I threw it at Fritz when I found out he had a secret girlfriend."

But echoing @mrsconn23 I also thought money/gifts were to be returned if the marriage did not last a year?

This is where I'm at. Either return the gifts or write a quick note. I feel like she just wants validation not to do them (after waiting almost 8 months).

I've gotten extremely late notes and I do appreciate a late note over no note anyday.

[Deleted User] · May 2018

I agree that the thank you card ship has sailed. Those should have been written and sent out back in October. If I got one now when I know they are going through a divorce would have me seriously scratching my head. And I have received very late notes before and all I can think about when I read them is "wow, took you long enough!"

And yeah, the "rule" might be that gifts have to be returned, but I certainly wouldn't be expecting a check in the mail or the crockpot I gifted (and most likely used) sitting on my front porch. Plus I certainly wouldn't expect a couple going through a divorce to worry about returning a gift I gave without any silly strings attached.

mrsconn23 · May 2018

freckles0716 said:

And yeah, the "rule" might be that gifts have to be returned, but I certainly wouldn't be expecting a check in the mail or the crockpot I gifted (and most likely used) sitting on my front porch. Plus I certainly wouldn't expect a couple going through a divorce to worry about returning a gift I gave without any silly strings attached.

OH I'm not saying that I think LW should do that, I'm just saying that all this belated etiquette pearl-clutching is utterly ridic. And LW isn't going to be changing anyone's mind if they already think she's rude for not having a TY card from her by now.

At this point, LW needs to dust herself off, shore up her life, and not make the same mistakes, regarding men or etiquette, twice.

STARMOON44 · May 2018

I don’t think it is a rule that you have to return gifts if the marriage doesn’t last a year. How utterly absurd! The rule is you return gifts if the marriage doesn’t take place.

mrsconn23 · May 2018

STARMOON44 said:

I don’t think it is a rule that you have to return gifts if the marriage doesn’t last a year. How utterly absurd! The rule is you return gifts if the marriage doesn’t take place.

My wedding etiquette is rusty, so I fully admit I could be wrong.

Google is contradictory.

Penguins1987 · May 2018

I have to throw in my story! Went to a May wedding, gave a lovely cash gift; never received a thank you card. Bride's sister's wedding was in September. Day after I received sister 2's TY card in February I got wind that sister 1 was getting a divorce. The very next day, we finally got a thank you card.

BTW - both sisters sent pre-printed photo cards.

ShesSoCold · May 2018

Penguins1987 said:

I have to throw in my story! Went to a May wedding, gave a lovely cash gift; never received a thank you card. Bride's sister's wedding was in September. Day after I received sister 2's TY card in February I got wind that sister 1 was getting a divorce. The very next day, we finally got a thank you card.

BTW - both sisters sent pre-printed photo cards.

My douchey brother and his douchey wife didn't send thank you cards for the shower or the wedding.

But they made sure to send out wedding photo Christmas cards!

Same with their daughter - no cards for the shower but you bet your ass they sent birth announcements.

I hate them.

ei34 · May 2018

STARMOON44 said:

I don’t think it is a rule that you have to return gifts if the marriage doesn’t last a year. How utterly absurd! The rule is you return gifts if the marriage doesn’t take place.

I hadn’t heard that one either. Even if it were true, I’d still be wondering where the thank you is. It’s a more effort to return gifts (especially if they’re physical) than to write notes.

ETA- I attended a baby shower in September and still haven’t received a thank you card. It annoys me just writing that

LondonLisa · May 2018

I think a simple handwritten “I recognise how late this is, but I so appreciated your generous gift and support at the wedding. Although it’s been a difficult time, your generosity and friendship through the wedding and afterwards has been very important to me. Thank you” would go a long way.

It’s a mixture of a thank you and showing effort. Sometimes the best way to avoid awkwardness is to control the narrative and acknowledge the situation for what it is.

VarunaTT · May 2018

If someone tried to give me back a close to year old gift, I'd be pissed. WTF am I supposed to do with this damn thing off your wedding registry? I doubt I can return it at this point, receipt or not.

Also, I don't really care about thank you notes anymore. I think it's a lovely gesture when I get one and I make sure to send them, but I just don't care about other people's. Life happens.

Also, I'm cranky AF today.

banana468 · May 2018

FFS I think it's beyond dumb to think that gifts should be returned after months. Unless the couple are headed for divorce/annulment before they take off their wedding underwear I think the gifts are theirs to keep.

That said, a lot of this could have been prevented (TY note wise) had she written the damn notes back when she was supposed to.

6fsn · May 2018

I’m still bitter about this. Bachelorette gift, shower gift, wedding gift. No thank you note. Baby shower and baby gift no thank you note. We’re not friends anymore

kimmiinthemitten · May 2018

I'm still confused as to why they're divorcing...long time girlfriend like previous relationship or longtime like behind her back?

short+sassy · May 2018

STARMOON44 said:

I don’t think it is a rule that you have to return gifts if the marriage doesn’t last a year. How utterly absurd! The rule is you return gifts if the marriage doesn’t take place.

Totally agree. If the marriage takes place, the gift does not have to be returned.

A bit of a tangent, but I read a horrific Dear Abby (not recently) where the couple got married. The wife was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer just a few weeks later. And she passed within 3 months of their wedding.

The LW was the husband who was being harassed by the wife's family to return their wedding gifts, because the marriage hadn't been that long.

(I realize you all are talking about a couple who splits up/divorces within the first year.)

ShesSoCold · May 2018

kimmiinthemitten said:

I'm still confused as to why they're divorcing...long time girlfriend like previous relationship or longtime like behind her back?

The bolded is how I read it.

mrsconn23 · May 2018

ShesSoCold said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I'm still confused as to why they're divorcing...long time girlfriend like previous relationship or longtime like behind her back?

The bolded is how I read it.

Same.

levioosa · May 2018

short+sassy said:

Totally agree. If the marriage takes place, the gift does not have to be returned.
A bit of a tangent, but I read a horrific Dear Abby (not recently) where the couple got married. The wife was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer just a few weeks later. And she passed within 3 months of their wedding.
The LW was the husband who was being harassed by the wife's family to return their wedding gifts, because the marriage hadn't been that long.
(I realize you all are talking about a couple who splits up/divorces within the first year.)

Wow. What a bunch of monsters.

thisismynickname2 · May 2018

I like LL's approach here. I would never expect a return of a gift if the wedding actually took place. Plus, to return my physical gift, if given, after 8 months... I'd be like, a. Ew, used, no thanks, or b. I got you a gift you haven't even used, then why did you even ask for it?

Sidenote to that... my BFF had a huge registry and a huge wedding, and they live in a one bed apartment. She told me all the wedding gifts were in boxes at their parents' homes. They've house-hunted in the two years since then but are still in that apartment, and haven't used 90% of their new stuff. This makes zero sense. I got them new bathroom accessories, and they didn't even replace their old ones in their current bathroom. At least I was properly thanked though, and promptly, haha. Seriously, if they divorced any time soon, they could literally return most of their gifts.

kvruns · May 2018

thisismynickname2 said:

Sidenote to that... my BFF had a huge registry and a huge wedding, and they live in a one bed apartment. She told me all the wedding gifts were in boxes at their parents' homes. They've house-hunted in the two years since then but are still in that apartment, and haven't used 90% of their new stuff. This makes zero sense. I got them new bathroom accessories, and they didn't even replace their old ones in their current bathroom. At least I was properly thanked though, and promptly, haha. Seriously, if they divorced any time soon, they could literally return most of their gifts.

My H's Step Sister is like this. They live in a house with her grandma and most of their wedding gifts from 4 years ago are in my IL's garage. They keep saying they're going to house hunt but never do. I think they're waiting for the grandma to die and hoping they can get her house for free.

I'm still waiting for our thank you note or gift acknowledgement from their baby gift from almost 2 years ago.

MesmrEwe · May 2018

The one thing I do have to give LW credit for is that she is thinking about this, because chances are the other half never did (one has to wonder if it was a "Hey are you going to help me with these" and never did thinking he had a year). That said, send the TY anyway... And if someone asks for their Toaster back - hand it over...

Prudie thank you note doozy

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