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Be bummed, and then get out there in your new city.

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

This summer, I will be doing an eight-week internship in a large city that’s a popular vacation destination (international airport, great hiking, excellent food scene). I purposefully rented an Airbnb with an extra bedroom so that if any friends came to visit, they’d have a comfortable place to stay. Now, despite dropping hints to five or six close friends, no one is taking me up on the offer! I’ve offered to split airfare (to which everyone has responded, “Don’t even think of paying for it!”) and even suggested weekends and still, nothing. I’m pretty bummed. I was excited to show off my new city and looking forward to a taste of home amid so many new people. Am I overreacting? Was this an unreasonable request?
—Internship Blues

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Re: Be bummed, and then get out there in your new city.

  • banana468banana468 member
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    1) You need to make plans for yourself.   Don't splurge on something without any kind of commitment.   It sounds like you're young and need to learn that what excites you may not excite others.   
    2) Furthermore, your friends are not responsible for your splurge when you didn't make the plans WITH them.   You're attempting to make plans FOR them. 
    3) Don't spend money you don't have.   If a studio would have worked for you then that's what you should have rented.   Let this be a future lesson that guests can find a hotel or an air mattress. 

    Finally, if this letter is written in real time, the summer hasn't started for many people.   Plenty are just getting their own ish together and if your peers are also in the internship stage then making major weekend plans that could potentially involve spending the majority of a weekend in an airport or sacrificing a day of an entry-level job or internship to travel is really unreasonable.

    Let this be a lesson in the future that the best plans come together as a mutual decision and not when forced.

    In the meantime if your city is great, get out on those free weekends and nights and enjoy it solo. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    Enjoy your city. Make new friends in the city! If your friends get their stuff together and want to come visit; great, welcome them and have a good time. If they don't, be bummed for a minute but then go out and enjoy your new place. If you're doing an internship there will likely be other people new to the city as well, make plans with them to check out the area. Don't wait for other people to live your life. 
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    This letter and the one with the people with the lake house remind me of all the friends I have when people find out I have Bears season tickets. Suddenly everyone is all "OMG I WANT TO GO LET ME KNOW WHEN I CAN GO TO A GAME!".

    Then when it comes time to actually PAY to go to the games, crickets.

    LW and other LW, take the same advice we tell B & Gs here about getting money for weddings. Don't consider it a sure thing until you have confirmation.

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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
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    Sounds like Denver, so my advice is to get high and watch cartoons. You'll have to go back to your schwaggy shit town in September: enjoy what we have to offer. 
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  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    baconsmom said:
    Sounds like Denver, so my advice is to get high and watch cartoons. You'll have to go back to your schwaggy shit town in September: enjoy what we have to offer. 
    I immediately thought it was Denver from the description.  And yes, LW needs to get themselves to a dispensery stat...maybe it will help them stop stressing.  ;) 
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  • ei34ei34 member
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    Drop it LW.  Your friends know the offer stands.  The fact that flying is involved may deter some people.  Maybe they only get two or so weeks vacation a year and Denver (or wherever) isn’t where they want to use said time.  Just focus on yourself and meeting new people this summer.
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    Kiddo, that's life.  Take it from a transplanted New Orleanian.  I can't even tell you how many people (from my hometown/other friends/family who live OOT) have gushed about how much they've always wanted to see NOLA and would love to come visit me.  I enthusiastically offer open arms.  Free/discounted rooms at the Harrahs hotel here.  No extra bedroom in my house, but a welcome to sleep on my couch or air mattress.

    And how many of those people have come to visit me (not including my immediate family)?  Two.  One of them is a friend I met out here, but then moved away.  So even that is fairly different.  The others are my cousin and her H.  They've actually visited a few times over the years.  My own sister has only come once.  And even that was in the first few years I lived here.

    Am I a little disappointed people don't come more often?  Sure.  Do I understand it?  I do.  It's can be a lot of moving parts to go on vacation in a place that is a plane flight away.  Even when accommodations are covered.  It's also been my experience that there is a huge swath of the population that really aren't "travel" people.  They just don't have much interest or motivation in going on trips. 

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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    short+sassy said:

    Kiddo, that's life.  Take it from a transplanted New Orleanian.  I can't even tell you how many people (from my hometown/other friends/family who live OOT) have gushed about how much they've always wanted to see NOLA and would love to come visit me.  I enthusiastically offer open arms.  Free/discounted rooms at the Harrahs hotel here.  No extra bedroom in my house, but a welcome to sleep on my couch or air mattress.

    And how many of those people have come to visit me (not including my immediate family)?  Two.  One of them is a friend I met out here, but then moved away.  So even that is fairly different.  The others are my cousin and her H.  They've actually visited a few times over the years.  My own sister has only come once.  And even that was in the first few years I lived here.

    Am I a little disappointed people don't come more often?  Sure.  Do I understand it?  I do.  It's can be a lot of moving parts to go on vacation in a place that is a plane flight away.  Even when accommodations are covered.  It's also been my experience that there is a huge swath of the population that really aren't "travel" people.  They just don't have much interest or motivation in going on trips. 

    Maybe this is snarky of me, but I actually don't get it. Random friends not coming? sure. You're only in the city for a summer? Absolutely. But living somewhere for a significant period of time? Nope. I think it's on both sides of a friendship/relationship to travel (or meet somewhere) and shouldn't be one person doing all the traveling.

    The LW's situation is totally different, IMO. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
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    Meh - I think it can vary over time.   If you've moved a flight away or a looong drive away then the friendship takes two but it also comes with the understanding that making that trip takes a ton of time.

    Example: BIL lives in OH.   We haven't been there for two years.   It's a 10 hour drive and with two kids and their STUFF it's either a long trip in the car or a ton of packing to put a car seat, booster, and days worth of "stuff" for what's probably not a direct flight.  That's a long day when you have a toddler.  My cousin moved out to OR and the same thought is in my head.   I really want to get out there but right now that's a long expensive flight with a toddler. 

    The other part depending on the situation is if one person moved away but the hub of a family is located in their original space it may mean that the expectation is that the other person travel more. 

    With the same example of BIL, MIL and FIL are aging.  Right now they are both facing surgeries over the next several months making longer car trips hard on them.   The burden is going to be on the younger, more mobile generation to make the trip out to see my ILs who are moving 5 minutes away from us.  

    That doesn't mean that we WON'T make the trip out there - we will.   But I just think each situation is different.     
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  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    short+sassy said:

    Kiddo, that's life.  Take it from a transplanted New Orleanian.  I can't even tell you how many people (from my hometown/other friends/family who live OOT) have gushed about how much they've always wanted to see NOLA and would love to come visit me.  I enthusiastically offer open arms.  Free/discounted rooms at the Harrahs hotel here.  No extra bedroom in my house, but a welcome to sleep on my couch or air mattress.

    And how many of those people have come to visit me (not including my immediate family)?  Two.  One of them is a friend I met out here, but then moved away.  So even that is fairly different.  The others are my cousin and her H.  They've actually visited a few times over the years.  My own sister has only come once.  And even that was in the first few years I lived here.

    Am I a little disappointed people don't come more often?  Sure.  Do I understand it?  I do.  It's can be a lot of moving parts to go on vacation in a place that is a plane flight away.  Even when accommodations are covered.  It's also been my experience that there is a huge swath of the population that really aren't "travel" people.  They just don't have much interest or motivation in going on trips. 

    Maybe this is snarky of me, but I actually don't get it. Random friends not coming? sure. You're only in the city for a summer? Absolutely. But living somewhere for a significant period of time? Nope. I think it's on both sides of a friendship/relationship to travel (or meet somewhere) and shouldn't be one person doing all the traveling.

    The LW's situation is totally different, IMO. 
    I sort of agree, but also I just think people need to realize that when you move away, you’re probably not going to maintain all your friendships. It’s a luxury to be able to afford to travel. 
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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    STARMOON44 said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    short+sassy said:

    Kiddo, that's life.  Take it from a transplanted New Orleanian.  I can't even tell you how many people (from my hometown/other friends/family who live OOT) have gushed about how much they've always wanted to see NOLA and would love to come visit me.  I enthusiastically offer open arms.  Free/discounted rooms at the Harrahs hotel here.  No extra bedroom in my house, but a welcome to sleep on my couch or air mattress.

    And how many of those people have come to visit me (not including my immediate family)?  Two.  One of them is a friend I met out here, but then moved away.  So even that is fairly different.  The others are my cousin and her H.  They've actually visited a few times over the years.  My own sister has only come once.  And even that was in the first few years I lived here.

    Am I a little disappointed people don't come more often?  Sure.  Do I understand it?  I do.  It's can be a lot of moving parts to go on vacation in a place that is a plane flight away.  Even when accommodations are covered.  It's also been my experience that there is a huge swath of the population that really aren't "travel" people.  They just don't have much interest or motivation in going on trips. 

    Maybe this is snarky of me, but I actually don't get it. Random friends not coming? sure. You're only in the city for a summer? Absolutely. But living somewhere for a significant period of time? Nope. I think it's on both sides of a friendship/relationship to travel (or meet somewhere) and shouldn't be one person doing all the traveling.

    The LW's situation is totally different, IMO. 
    I sort of agree, but also I just think people need to realize that when you move away, you’re probably not going to maintain all your friendships. It’s a luxury to be able to afford to travel. 
    I actually agree; it is a luxury to afford to travel, and distance friendships take a lot of work. But I think if the expectation is that it's all on the person who moved away to do all/most of the work that's unfair (I know that's definitely not what you're saying here). 

    And like @banana468 said I think a lot depends on context. I don't expect my sister to bring the toddler to our house much, we always hang out at hers because it's just easier. I know it won't always be this way, but it is now. Now if she never came over, or offered, it would be a different thing. 

    We only lived away for 4 years, and we moved a lot in that time, so I never got to the point where I was bummed no one came to visit. But if we had set up a home and my family never came to visit, I'd definitely be hurt. Especially since we traveled (and were expected to travel) for every holiday. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    charlotte989875 said:
    I actually agree; it is a luxury to afford to travel, and distance friendships take a lot of work. But I think if the expectation is that it's all on the person who moved away to do all/most of the work that's unfair (I know that's definitely not what you're saying here). 

    And like @banana468 said I think a lot depends on context. I don't expect my sister to bring the toddler to our house much, we always hang out at hers because it's just easier. I know it won't always be this way, but it is now. Now if she never came over, or offered, it would be a different thing. 

    We only lived away for 4 years, and we moved a lot in that time, so I never got to the point where I was bummed no one came to visit. But if we had set up a home and my family never came to visit, I'd definitely be hurt. Especially since we traveled (and were expected to travel) for every holiday. 

    Ooof, no.  An expectation for me to travel.  Every year around the super expensive and busy holiday season, no less.  Would have outraged me.

    As an aside, flying ON the actual holiday can be pretty awesome and sometimes have really cheap fares.  I flew to CA on TG day one year.  The airports were some of the emptiest I've ever seen.  My H and I each took our own row of seats on one of the legs, lol.  On a different trip, I flew back from CA to NOLA on the 4th of July.  Also a cheap flight.  Not quite as empty as TG, but definitely less busy and an average day.  

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