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Maybe it's not about you?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

I am a cis woman. A good friend of mine who was assigned female at birth has recently come out as nonbinary and wants me to use they/them pronouns. I am happy to do so. What I am less happy with is when they make jokes that frame their decision as “I don’t act like [absurd feminine stereotypes], therefore I’m not a woman.” I feel like they’re shoving me into a box just because I’m comfortable identifying as female. Would it be cissexist to ask them to cut it out?

—Nonbinary Etiquette
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Re: Maybe it's not about you?

  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    It really depends.

    I'd call DH out if he used BS stereotypes on me.   If the deal is that you're stuck with someone who now feels that they can be discriminatory "Oh you're overly emotional because you're a woman!"  then absolutely not.

    That said, you need to call someone what they want to be called.   
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    While I understand and sympathize with what the LW is saying, she needs to put it into context and not take it so personally.  At least for now.  I assume this was a difficult and long thought-out decision for her friend.  I suspect the jokes are friend's way of assuring themself that they made the right decision and/or still adjusting to the outward change of their gender identity.

    With that said, I also don't think there is anything wrong with "gentle" reminders that not all women like pink or are made up of "sugar and spice and everything nice".

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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    short+sassy said:

    While I understand and sympathize with what the LW is saying, she needs to put it into context and not take it so personally.  At least for now.  I assume this was a difficult and long thought-out decision for her friend.  I suspect the jokes are friend's way of assuring themself that they made the right decision and/or still adjusting to the outward change of their gender identity.

    With that said, I also don't think there is anything wrong with "gentle" reminders that not all women like pink or are made up of "sugar and spice and everything nice".

    Exactly.   I think the LW should be as understanding as possible as long as the friend isn't condescending/insulting to HER. 
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    banana468 said:
    short+sassy said:

    While I understand and sympathize with what the LW is saying, she needs to put it into context and not take it so personally.  At least for now.  I assume this was a difficult and long thought-out decision for her friend.  I suspect the jokes are friend's way of assuring themself that they made the right decision and/or still adjusting to the outward change of their gender identity.

    With that said, I also don't think there is anything wrong with "gentle" reminders that not all women like pink or are made up of "sugar and spice and everything nice".

    Exactly.   I think the LW should be as understanding as possible as long as the friend isn't condescending/insulting to HER. 
    At least from the example in the letter, it doesn't sound like the friend has made any statements pointed at the LW.  More making statements about themself as compared to female stereotypes.  Which I'm sure they already know are silly and often untrue.  The jokes are really about them and I'd suspect those comments will wane and disappear over time. 
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2018
    I would just look levelly at the friend when the friend makes these "jokes" and reply, "No, I'm not." 
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    A lot of times people belittle others when they themselves do not feel confident. You can ignore them, limit your time with them or talk to them, but their actions are probably not completely directed toward you. Happy people spend very little time tearing down others. If you feel the need to speak just say, "Is that what you think of me?". It may help them refocus and understand that you're in the conversation with them. 
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