Wedding Woes

Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment

Dear Prudence,
I found myself conflicted about something that happened yesterday. While walking through the grocery store parking lot, I passed a man who made eye contact and said, “Excuse me, ma’am, I think you’re really beautiful,” and then went about his business loading his groceries in the car. While I usually give catcallers a piece of my mind, this didn’t feel like a normal catcall and it just didn’t feel appropriate to go off on him. In fact, my direct urge in the moment was to say, “Thank you,” but it still made me feel a little awkward. I gave him what must have been a bewildered look and then kept going. What should my response have been? Am I bad feminist for feeling flattered?
—Catcalled but Not Creeped Out

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Re: Sometimes a compliment is just a compliment

  • I usually just glare and walk faster. You’re a stranger you aren’t entitled to pleasant. 
  • Unfortunately, this is why I hesitate when I want to give someone a compliment - I would hate for them to feel awkward. But sometimes I see someone with nice hair or a nice outfit, and something just compels me to say something. I just hate that a compliment automatically means to some people that you are hitting on them. It's why I NEVER compliment men anymore - it just got inappropriate fast every time I did it.

  • I personally am not offended or find it disconcerting when someone compliments me.  As long as it is done in a friendly, not creepy, way.  I also don't necessarily chalk it up to someone hitting on me.

    As much as I hate when people pull out the "my culture" card, here I am about to do it, lol.  Where I live, it is really common for people to use terms of endearment with strangers.  Like "boo", "baby", "darlin".  And not just to women.  I don't take any offense to that either.  If I did, I'd be offended all the time, lol.

    My H is a really gregarious person.  He is always striking up conversations with and complimenting people.  Both men and women.  He uses "baby" at the end of his sentences a lot.  Both men and women.

    But I know he tries to tread a little more cautiously with women and be aware of their reaction.  Because he obviously doesn't want anyone to be alarmed or worried that he is hitting on them.  He's even told me the he feels like he can be "more himself" when I'm with him, in regards to compliments/striking up conversations, because he knows he won't inadvertently come across as hitting on them.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I personally am not offended or find it disconcerting when someone compliments me.  As long as it is done in a friendly, not creepy, way.  I also don't necessarily chalk it up to someone hitting on me.

    As much as I hate when people pull out the "my culture" card, here I am about to do it, lol.  Where I live, it is really common for people to use terms of endearment with strangers.  Like "boo", "baby", "darlin".  And not just to women.  I don't take any offense to that either.  If I did, I'd be offended all the time, lol.

    My H is a really gregarious person.  He is always striking up conversations with and complimenting people.  Both men and women.  He uses "baby" at the end of his sentences a lot.  Both men and women.

    But I know he tries to tread a little more cautiously with women and be aware of their reaction.  Because he obviously doesn't want anyone to be alarmed or worried that he is hitting on them.  He's even told me the he feels like he can be "more himself" when I'm with him, in regards to compliments/striking up conversations, because he knows he won't inadvertently come across as hitting on them.

    Yeah a strange man calling me baby is going to get a “f off” or, minimum, “I am no ones baby.”  
  • I personally am not offended or find it disconcerting when someone compliments me.  As long as it is done in a friendly, not creepy, way.  I also don't necessarily chalk it up to someone hitting on me.

    As much as I hate when people pull out the "my culture" card, here I am about to do it, lol.  Where I live, it is really common for people to use terms of endearment with strangers.  Like "boo", "baby", "darlin".  And not just to women.  I don't take any offense to that either.  If I did, I'd be offended all the time, lol.

    My H is a really gregarious person.  He is always striking up conversations with and complimenting people.  Both men and women.  He uses "baby" at the end of his sentences a lot.  Both men and women.

    But I know he tries to tread a little more cautiously with women and be aware of their reaction.  Because he obviously doesn't want anyone to be alarmed or worried that he is hitting on them.  He's even told me the he feels like he can be "more himself" when I'm with him, in regards to compliments/striking up conversations, because he knows he won't inadvertently come across as hitting on them.

    Yeah a strange man calling me baby is going to get a “f off” or, minimum, “I am no ones baby.”  
    Yeah, telling me that I'm pretty is one thing.   Don't use a pet name with me.   I'm not a hon' or a baby unless you put a ring on it. 
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker

    I don't think anyone has ever called me boo.  I got "hon" from customer service the other day and I told him it was inappropriate.  Baby happened exactly once at work. 

    Compliments seem strange to me just because they seem to come out of left field- the woman in the church parking lot telling me I had nice legs, the woman at the airport that said I had a nice figure. 

  • banana468 said:
    Yeah a strange man calling me baby is going to get a “f off” or, minimum, “I am no ones baby.”  
    Yeah, telling me that I'm pretty is one thing.   Don't use a pet name with me.   I'm not a hon' or a baby unless you put a ring on it. 

    For exactly these reasons, I will remind him when we're traveling to other places to try and think before he speaks and not use the term "baby".  Because it's not common in most other areas.  The funny thing is, he didn't grow up here either.  He lived in Oregon until he was in his 30s.  So he understands what I'm talking about.  As far as I know he hasn't offended anyone (though it's possible).  In that he's never had someone say something and, I'm often there, and have never seen anyone look surprised/shocked/offended.

    I did forget "hon".  That's another one you'll hear around here.  I totally understand and hear what you all are saying.  It was surprising when I first moved here.  But it's almost always said as just a friendly term and not an endearment.  By and to, both men and women.  If anything, the only thing I mildly don't like about it is I find it a bit too casual when its coming from a cashier at a store or something.  But that's more a general statement and nothing I really care about when it happens.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • 6fsn said:

    I don't think anyone has ever called me boo.  I got "hon" from customer service the other day and I told him it was inappropriate.  Baby happened exactly once at work. 

    Compliments seem strange to me just because they seem to come out of left field- the woman in the church parking lot telling me I had nice legs, the woman at the airport that said I had a nice figure. 

    I had barely ever heard the term when I first moved here.  I took a temp job right after moving while I looked for a permanent.  One of my female bosses at it addressed me as "boo" all the time.  I even mentioned to my b/f at the time that I'd really never heard someone so regularly use that word.  He explained, while people usually use it as a term when they are talking about their b/f or g/f, that it was also often used in our area when speaking to someone you're friendly with/as a friendly term. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • banana468 said:

    I personally am not offended or find it disconcerting when someone compliments me.  As long as it is done in a friendly, not creepy, way.  I also don't necessarily chalk it up to someone hitting on me.

    As much as I hate when people pull out the "my culture" card, here I am about to do it, lol.  Where I live, it is really common for people to use terms of endearment with strangers.  Like "boo", "baby", "darlin".  And not just to women.  I don't take any offense to that either.  If I did, I'd be offended all the time, lol.

    My H is a really gregarious person.  He is always striking up conversations with and complimenting people.  Both men and women.  He uses "baby" at the end of his sentences a lot.  Both men and women.

    But I know he tries to tread a little more cautiously with women and be aware of their reaction.  Because he obviously doesn't want anyone to be alarmed or worried that he is hitting on them.  He's even told me the he feels like he can be "more himself" when I'm with him, in regards to compliments/striking up conversations, because he knows he won't inadvertently come across as hitting on them.

    Yeah a strange man calling me baby is going to get a “f off” or, minimum, “I am no ones baby.”  
    Yeah, telling me that I'm pretty is one thing.   Don't use a pet name with me.   I'm not a hon' or a baby unless you put a ring on it. 
    By all means, perfect stranger, start up a conversation about the weather or the line we are waiting in or the terrible subway delays. There’s no reason for you to be calling me pretty
  • banana468 said:

    I personally am not offended or find it disconcerting when someone compliments me.  As long as it is done in a friendly, not creepy, way.  I also don't necessarily chalk it up to someone hitting on me.

    As much as I hate when people pull out the "my culture" card, here I am about to do it, lol.  Where I live, it is really common for people to use terms of endearment with strangers.  Like "boo", "baby", "darlin".  And not just to women.  I don't take any offense to that either.  If I did, I'd be offended all the time, lol.

    My H is a really gregarious person.  He is always striking up conversations with and complimenting people.  Both men and women.  He uses "baby" at the end of his sentences a lot.  Both men and women.

    But I know he tries to tread a little more cautiously with women and be aware of their reaction.  Because he obviously doesn't want anyone to be alarmed or worried that he is hitting on them.  He's even told me the he feels like he can be "more himself" when I'm with him, in regards to compliments/striking up conversations, because he knows he won't inadvertently come across as hitting on them.

    Yeah a strange man calling me baby is going to get a “f off” or, minimum, “I am no ones baby.”  
    Yeah, telling me that I'm pretty is one thing.   Don't use a pet name with me.   I'm not a hon' or a baby unless you put a ring on it. 
    By all means, perfect stranger, start up a conversation about the weather or the line we are waiting in or the terrible subway delays. There’s no reason for you to be calling me pretty
    I think it's a bit creepy and puts far too much emphasis on personal looks over anything else.   It's no conversation starter which adds to the creepy aspect - but I don't think it's offensive.   It's hard for my brain to parse this.
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited June 2018
    Good lawd <face palm> on so many levels!!

    (Shortened to "Accept the effing sincere non-malicious intent compliment and stop beating yourself down under the umbrella of thinking it makes you a bad feminist for you to accept someone recognized you exist in a unique way"..)
  • banana468 said:

    I personally am not offended or find it disconcerting when someone compliments me.  As long as it is done in a friendly, not creepy, way.  I also don't necessarily chalk it up to someone hitting on me.

    As much as I hate when people pull out the "my culture" card, here I am about to do it, lol.  Where I live, it is really common for people to use terms of endearment with strangers.  Like "boo", "baby", "darlin".  And not just to women.  I don't take any offense to that either.  If I did, I'd be offended all the time, lol.

    My H is a really gregarious person.  He is always striking up conversations with and complimenting people.  Both men and women.  He uses "baby" at the end of his sentences a lot.  Both men and women.

    But I know he tries to tread a little more cautiously with women and be aware of their reaction.  Because he obviously doesn't want anyone to be alarmed or worried that he is hitting on them.  He's even told me the he feels like he can be "more himself" when I'm with him, in regards to compliments/striking up conversations, because he knows he won't inadvertently come across as hitting on them.

    Yeah a strange man calling me baby is going to get a “f off” or, minimum, “I am no ones baby.”  
    Yeah, telling me that I'm pretty is one thing.   Don't use a pet name with me.   I'm not a hon' or a baby unless you put a ring on it. 
    By all means, perfect stranger, start up a conversation about the weather or the line we are waiting in or the terrible subway delays. There’s no reason for you to be calling me pretty or using pet names. 
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