Wedding Woes

You need to find a way to talk to him.

Dear Prudence,

A month ago, my estranged younger brother texted me to say he was separating from his wife, V, and needed a place to stay while he got his finances sorted out. Our parents live elsewhere, so I’m the only one he could turn to. I said of course and didn’t ask any questions. We stopped speaking a few years ago because of V’s behavior and her possessive nature. She’s cold and distant, and she would forbid him from attending any and all family events. I advised him to leave her, it didn’t go over well, and we hadn’t really spoken since.

Because of this history, I haven’t asked him why the relationship ended. I think he might worry that I’m trying to say, “I told you so.” He’s been avoiding me, coming home long after I’m asleep, and rushing out the door every morning. I can understand that he wants to keep his distance, but I’m worried. This was my brother’s first relationship, and V was his whole world. I’m sure he’s devastated and needs to talk. V pressured him into ending his friendships, and he doesn’t have much of a support system. How can I get him to open up to me, or at the very least, seek out a therapist?

Also, he’s currently sleeping in the spare room—which I need to start converting into a nursery. I’m four months along so we have time yet but how long do I give him? How do I gently press on how long he plans to stay here or if he needs help with money? I don’t want him to think I want to kick him out. If I weren’t pregnant and feeling the urge to nest, I wouldn’t be in such a rush.

—Would-Be Fence Mender

Re: You need to find a way to talk to him.

  • Eh, it's easier to keep the baby in your room for like the first six months or so, anyway, so you have a LOT of time, actually. 

    I'd just say that I missed my bro, and try to get a dinner on the calendar. Take him out, talk about his job, the last movie he saw, whatever. Don't bring up the wife. Let him do that when he's ready, but yes, absolutely make friendly overtures that let him know you don't hold anything against him, and that you're a safe space. 

    Then bring up a timeline for his leaving. Don't lead with it. Given that *that* is what you chose to put in your letter, I'm not hopeful that you'll actually be helpful to him (and I doubt that it was all wifey's fault he didn't speak with you), but hey, people can change, right? 
    image
  • baconsmom said:
    Eh, it's easier to keep the baby in your room for like the first six months or so, anyway, so you have a LOT of time, actually. 

    I'd just say that I missed my bro, and try to get a dinner on the calendar. Take him out, talk about his job, the last movie he saw, whatever. Don't bring up the wife. Let him do that when he's ready, but yes, absolutely make friendly overtures that let him know you don't hold anything against him, and that you're a safe space. 

    Then bring up a timeline for his leaving. Don't lead with it. Given that *that* is what you chose to put in your letter, I'm not hopeful that you'll actually be helpful to him (and I doubt that it was all wifey's fault he didn't speak with you), but hey, people can change, right? 
    SO much this. 

    LW's gotta start small - GTKY kind of stuff since it's been so long that they've been estranged. He has to feel comfortable with her again before he's going to dump out all of his feelings.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • baconsmom said:
    Eh, it's easier to keep the baby in your room for like the first six months or so, anyway, so you have a LOT of time, actually. 

    I'd just say that I missed my bro, and try to get a dinner on the calendar. Take him out, talk about his job, the last movie he saw, whatever. Don't bring up the wife. Let him do that when he's ready, but yes, absolutely make friendly overtures that let him know you don't hold anything against him, and that you're a safe space. 

    Then bring up a timeline for his leaving. Don't lead with it. Given that *that* is what you chose to put in your letter, I'm not hopeful that you'll actually be helpful to him (and I doubt that it was all wifey's fault he didn't speak with you), but hey, people can change, right? 
    SO much this. 

    LW's gotta start small - GTKY kind of stuff since it's been so long that they've been estranged. He has to feel comfortable with her again before he's going to dump out all of his feelings.
    baconsmom said:
    Eh, it's easier to keep the baby in your room for like the first six months or so, anyway, so you have a LOT of time, actually. 

    I'd just say that I missed my bro, and try to get a dinner on the calendar. Take him out, talk about his job, the last movie he saw, whatever. Don't bring up the wife. Let him do that when he's ready, but yes, absolutely make friendly overtures that let him know you don't hold anything against him, and that you're a safe space. 

    Then bring up a timeline for his leaving. Don't lead with it. Given that *that* is what you chose to put in your letter, I'm not hopeful that you'll actually be helpful to him (and I doubt that it was all wifey's fault he didn't speak with you), but hey, people can change, right? 
    SO much this. 

    LW's gotta start small - GTKY kind of stuff since it's been so long that they've been estranged. He has to feel comfortable with her again before he's going to dump out all of his feelings.
    Huh. I’d be more like “be at the kitchen table Saturday at 8am we need to talk.”  You want to live in my house? You follow my rules and one of them is we discuss what is going on and what your plan is for moving out. 
  • I would send him a text/leave a note/leave a VM that I'd really like to use this time we're sharing a space to catch up and get to know each other again.  But we're both so busy and we seem to keep missing each other.  Let's schedule plan to spend some time together on your next day off.

    Something like that.  The first step is planning for a non-stressful, laid back time to have a conversation.

    Then, she should be careful to have no hint of "I told you so", but all the sisterly love, support, and compassion.  That she knew how much he loved V and has been concerned about how he is taking the break-up.  She should also not say anything negative about V, unless she is "amen'ing" a comment he made. 

    I would try to save the next piece for another conversation in the "not too distant" time.  And this needs to be a sensitive, but firm, conversation.  If she's married, the H should be part of it also.  Basically, that they are happy they've been able to help him out during this tough time.  And he is welcome to stay in their home until up to X date.  But, after that, they need to finish getting their nursery ready and have a place for the baby.  Because Baby will be waiting for no one, lol. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Maybe he is making himself scarce because he doesn't want to intrude more than he already is?  She really needs to reach out to him and talk to him about how he is doing.  It is absolutely none of her business why the relationship ended.  But checking in to see how friends and family are doing during tough times is always a good idea.

  • I am with SSC on this one. Take brother out, talk to him about life in general and get a feel for how he is doing. Then work up to moving out timeline and if he wants to talk about V. 
  • I don't think it's terrible to want to know what his timeline is, especially with a child on the way. Sure the baby isn't (hopefully) coming this minute, but if the LW is feeling stressed she needs to address it sooner, rather than later. Sure, the soft approach is great, but I don't think it's unreasonable to have a more direct "we're glad you're here, and we really want to support you. We're happy to have you stay, and we're wondering how long you think you'll want to be here". 

    Yes they have time before the baby comes, but if they want to set things up, prepare, and not have someone else is a (I'm assuming) small place I think that's fine, too. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards