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WWDSS? (What Would Dan Savage Say?)

baconsmombaconsmom member
5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
in Wedding Woes

Dear Prudence,
My ex died as a result of his drug addiction. My now-husband has three girls with a cheating ex who is currently in prison. We bonded over shared trauma; now our marriage is built on nothing but that and our kids. My son couldn’t have a better father, but I am the last item on my husband’s list. My stepdaughters and mother-in-law remember my birthday; my husband does not. If I cut out the sexual parts of my life, I would be in heaven. My husband is a great roommate and a perfect father, but he has not touched me since my son was 2, and he is now 6. If I leave, I lose the girls I have raised since they were infants, and my son loses the only father he has ever known. It makes no financial sense to divorce. I feel trapped. What should I do?
—Good Dad, Sexless Marriage

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Re: WWDSS? (What Would Dan Savage Say?)

  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    charlotte989875 said:
    TALK TO YOU HUSBAND ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE. 


    Yes!  USE.YOUR.WORDS.

    I'll also add that it sounds like she and her H need to start carving out date nights and bonding as a couple.  Maybe find a new hobby they would both like to try.  Something, anything for them to get out of the rut of the only things they have in common are a love for their children and past trauma.

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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I do not understand why people fail to talk to the people that they live with.

    "Hey, my birthday is coming up and I want to do this for it."   Sometimes I have to be blunt with DH but you know what?   He delivers! 
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    banana468 said:
    I do not understand why people fail to talk to the people that they live with.

    "Hey, my birthday is coming up and I want to do this for it."   Sometimes I have to be blunt with DH but you know what?   He delivers! 
    When we first got together, I told H that I had a birthday complex, since it's on Christmas. I never got to choose activities or anything, and now I'm a fucking tyrant about it, I'll admit. But I laid it out: You pay attention to me for my birthday, and I'll be VERY FORGIVING the rest of the year. This is important. 

    I don't understand the tendency to assume that everyone has lived the same lives we have, and therefore, their priorities are always the same as ours and nothing needs said. THINGS NEED SAID. SAY THEM. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    I do not understand why people fail to talk to the people that they live with.

    "Hey, my birthday is coming up and I want to do this for it."   Sometimes I have to be blunt with DH but you know what?   He delivers! 
    When we first got together, I told H that I had a birthday complex, since it's on Christmas. I never got to choose activities or anything, and now I'm a fucking tyrant about it, I'll admit. But I laid it out: You pay attention to me for my birthday, and I'll be VERY FORGIVING the rest of the year. This is important. 

    I don't understand the tendency to assume that everyone has lived the same lives we have, and therefore, their priorities are always the same as ours and nothing needs said. THINGS NEED SAID. SAY THEM. 
    Exactly!   I will tell DH what I want and then that happens within reason.


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  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    banana468 said:
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    I do not understand why people fail to talk to the people that they live with.

    "Hey, my birthday is coming up and I want to do this for it."   Sometimes I have to be blunt with DH but you know what?   He delivers! 
    When we first got together, I told H that I had a birthday complex, since it's on Christmas. I never got to choose activities or anything, and now I'm a fucking tyrant about it, I'll admit. But I laid it out: You pay attention to me for my birthday, and I'll be VERY FORGIVING the rest of the year. This is important. 

    I don't understand the tendency to assume that everyone has lived the same lives we have, and therefore, their priorities are always the same as ours and nothing needs said. THINGS NEED SAID. SAY THEM. 
    Exactly!   I will tell DH what I want and then that happens within reason.


    I dropped several, very clear hints (as in “I love ice cream and my birthday is Tuesday) I wanted an ice cream cake for my birthday in the days before hand. 

    Guess who got an ice cream cake for their birthday? 

    Its not not rocket science. I think there is a (unfounded) belief (Thanks movies & books) that being in love/married/whatever means you’re supposed to read someone’s mind. It’s not realistic. How would my H know I wanted ice cream if I never told him?
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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    short+sassy said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    TALK TO YOU HUSBAND ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE. 


    Yes!  USE.YOUR.WORDS.

    I'll also add that it sounds like she and her H need to start carving out date nights and bonding as a couple.  Maybe find a new hobby they would both like to try.  Something, anything for them to get out of the rut of the only things they have in common are a love for their children and past trauma.

    I agree.

    I also agree that I don't understand how people can't talk to the people in their lives. Like, how do you write a letter to complete stranger (a letter that will become public!) but you say literally the same thing to your spouse? 

    I feel like at least 50% of the letters would be unnecessary if the LW would just speak to the person they're writing about. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    charlotte989875 said:
    banana468 said:
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    I do not understand why people fail to talk to the people that they live with.

    "Hey, my birthday is coming up and I want to do this for it."   Sometimes I have to be blunt with DH but you know what?   He delivers! 
    When we first got together, I told H that I had a birthday complex, since it's on Christmas. I never got to choose activities or anything, and now I'm a fucking tyrant about it, I'll admit. But I laid it out: You pay attention to me for my birthday, and I'll be VERY FORGIVING the rest of the year. This is important. 

    I don't understand the tendency to assume that everyone has lived the same lives we have, and therefore, their priorities are always the same as ours and nothing needs said. THINGS NEED SAID. SAY THEM. 
    Exactly!   I will tell DH what I want and then that happens within reason.


    I dropped several, very clear hints (as in “I love ice cream and my birthday is Tuesday) I wanted an ice cream cake for my birthday in the days before hand. 

    Guess who got an ice cream cake for their birthday? 

    Its not not rocket science. I think there is a (unfounded) belief (Thanks movies & books) that being in love/married/whatever means you’re supposed to read someone’s mind. It’s not realistic. How would my H know I wanted ice cream if I never told him?


    My H is the worst with remembering important dates.  THE WORST!!!  We dated for a few years before he could even remember what month my birthday was in, lol.  Many more years before he could remember the day.  To me, it was NBD.  I understood that was just part of who he was and it had no reflection on his love for me.  So I made a point to remind him multiple times as my birthday was coming up.

    I used to tease him that, because his memory was so bad, I was just going to pick a day 2-3x/year and tell him it was my birthday.  He laughed and admitted that he'd be tricked by that, lol.

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  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    short+sassy said:
    charlotte989875 said:
    banana468 said:
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    I do not understand why people fail to talk to the people that they live with.

    "Hey, my birthday is coming up and I want to do this for it."   Sometimes I have to be blunt with DH but you know what?   He delivers! 
    When we first got together, I told H that I had a birthday complex, since it's on Christmas. I never got to choose activities or anything, and now I'm a fucking tyrant about it, I'll admit. But I laid it out: You pay attention to me for my birthday, and I'll be VERY FORGIVING the rest of the year. This is important. 

    I don't understand the tendency to assume that everyone has lived the same lives we have, and therefore, their priorities are always the same as ours and nothing needs said. THINGS NEED SAID. SAY THEM. 
    Exactly!   I will tell DH what I want and then that happens within reason.


    I dropped several, very clear hints (as in “I love ice cream and my birthday is Tuesday) I wanted an ice cream cake for my birthday in the days before hand. 

    Guess who got an ice cream cake for their birthday? 

    Its not not rocket science. I think there is a (unfounded) belief (Thanks movies & books) that being in love/married/whatever means you’re supposed to read someone’s mind. It’s not realistic. How would my H know I wanted ice cream if I never told him?


    My H is the worst with remembering important dates.  THE WORST!!!  We dated for a few years before he could even remember what month my birthday was in, lol.  Many more years before he could remember the day.  To me, it was NBD.  I understood that was just part of who he was and it had no reflection on his love for me.  So I made a point to remind him multiple times as my birthday was coming up.

    I used to tease him that, because his memory was so bad, I was just going to pick a day 2-3x/year and tell him it was my birthday.  He laughed and admitted that he'd be tricked by that, lol.

    LOL H broke up with me for about a month when we were 6 months into dating. So I decided we should have two anniversary celebrations. He's also terrible with dates so I put a little piece of paper in his wallet that said "Anniversary - 4/14 and 9/7. Birthday - REMEMBER MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY!". 

    He does now. And no one cares about dating anniversaries anymore. Plus it's handy for H that we got married on moon day because our best friend loves space and he texts us moon facts all month long. 
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    charlotte989875 said:
    banana468 said:
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    I do not understand why people fail to talk to the people that they live with.

    "Hey, my birthday is coming up and I want to do this for it."   Sometimes I have to be blunt with DH but you know what?   He delivers! 
    When we first got together, I told H that I had a birthday complex, since it's on Christmas. I never got to choose activities or anything, and now I'm a fucking tyrant about it, I'll admit. But I laid it out: You pay attention to me for my birthday, and I'll be VERY FORGIVING the rest of the year. This is important. 

    I don't understand the tendency to assume that everyone has lived the same lives we have, and therefore, their priorities are always the same as ours and nothing needs said. THINGS NEED SAID. SAY THEM. 
    Exactly!   I will tell DH what I want and then that happens within reason.


    I dropped several, very clear hints (as in “I love ice cream and my birthday is Tuesday) I wanted an ice cream cake for my birthday in the days before hand. 

    Guess who got an ice cream cake for their birthday? 

    Its not not rocket science. I think there is a (unfounded) belief (Thanks movies & books) that being in love/married/whatever means you’re supposed to read someone’s mind. It’s not realistic. How would my H know I wanted ice cream if I never told him?
    FI doesn’t do hints. I learned early on that I have to tell him exactly what I want (and conversely, things I don’t like). He is wonderful and he is constantly doing small things and buying small gifts, but he cannot take a hint. Ironically he is the king of hints. “Hey, I was looking at something I really liked on your amazon account. It was neat!” So you want that for your birthday. Lol. 


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  • CharmedPamCharmedPam member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ha! So Halloween is my favoritest of holidays, but we didn't get married on Oct 31st. We got married on Nov 1st.  I told my husband when he's walking around one day and EVERYONE is in costume, the bell will ring in his head "fuck, it's our anniversary tomorrow!" and he'll have time to get something at a gas station or wherever he's at. 

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  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I told H he can never forget my birthday as long as the Google exists!  I was born the day that Pope John Paul was shot!  Before we got married, he was picking a prescription up for me and the woman asked for my date of birth.  He remember the day and month, but couldn't remember the year.  So he says to the woman at CVS, "Hold on, it was the day the pope was shot.  I just need to look it up."  The lady laughed and never forgot H whenever he would come back in.  She always knew who he was!

    But back to LW - Yes, use the words you wrote to Prudie to tell your H you want to work on your marriage!  Start communicating, start going out on dates, put your phones away to talk to each other, and maybe the sex life will come back.

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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I don't have the hope y'all have.  She's called him a roommate.  She hasn't mentioned wanting to have sex with him specifically or even wanting him anymore.  She's bemoaning the loss of a good dad.  The relationship has run it's course.  She just needs to figure out how to deal with reality of a loveless marriage until the kids are grown or deal with the reality of having to leave.  

    I don't like playing the game of "will he remember," but exDH couldn't be bothered to buy me a gift ever, even with the help of an Amazon wishlist, so I'm somewhat against having to list off my gifts, b/c it makes me feel unloved and not thought about now.  One of the mothers was basically always buying my gift and putting his name on it. 

    While I don't like comparing relationships, b/c I don't think it's fair, K showed up with a coffee mug with a pair of mermaids that said, "Battling the patriarchy one cup of coffee at a time" in a pop art style.  I just sat there with it in my hand and realized that someone who had known me for all of 3 weeks bought me a perfectly thoughtful and lovely gift and my STBX hadn't done that in 16 years.
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    VarunaTT said:
    I don't have the hope y'all have.  She's called him a roommate.  She hasn't mentioned wanting to have sex with him specifically or even wanting him anymore.  She's bemoaning the loss of a good dad.  The relationship has run it's course.  She just needs to figure out how to deal with reality of a loveless marriage until the kids are grown or deal with the reality of having to leave.  

    I don't like playing the game of "will he remember," but exDH couldn't be bothered to buy me a gift ever, even with the help of an Amazon wishlist, so I'm somewhat against having to list off my gifts, b/c it makes me feel unloved and not thought about now.  One of the mothers was basically always buying my gift and putting his name on it. 

    While I don't like comparing relationships, b/c I don't think it's fair, K showed up with a coffee mug with a pair of mermaids that said, "Battling the patriarchy one cup of coffee at a time" in a pop art style.  I just sat there with it in my hand and realized that someone who had known me for all of 3 weeks bought me a perfectly thoughtful and lovely gift and my STBX hadn't done that in 16 years.
    You may be right @VarunaTT

    This is reminding me of the LW from earlier this week but the difference is that they are years in.  I can't tell if the issue is that she never used her words or her words fall on deaf ears.  If it's the latter then she needs to figure out what is better for her - stay in a roommate-like marriage or move on and know she is mentally clearer without the baggage of him.

    I chimed in about my own DH but I hope the picture painted isn't that he doesn't have a clue.   There are simply times that he says, "Tell me what you want" and if I say I want a new bag he's going to say, "You know I need more help than that".

    But when it was time for Mother's Day and I had an empty whiskey decanter he gifted me with a great bottle of bourbon to put in it AND didn't drink it. 
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  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    VarunaTT said:
    I don't have the hope y'all have.  She's called him a roommate.  She hasn't mentioned wanting to have sex with him specifically or even wanting him anymore.  She's bemoaning the loss of a good dad.  The relationship has run it's course.  She just needs to figure out how to deal with reality of a loveless marriage until the kids are grown or deal with the reality of having to leave.  

    I don't like playing the game of "will he remember," but exDH couldn't be bothered to buy me a gift ever, even with the help of an Amazon wishlist, so I'm somewhat against having to list off my gifts, b/c it makes me feel unloved and not thought about now.  One of the mothers was basically always buying my gift and putting his name on it. 

    While I don't like comparing relationships, b/c I don't think it's fair, K showed up with a coffee mug with a pair of mermaids that said, "Battling the patriarchy one cup of coffee at a time" in a pop art style.  I just sat there with it in my hand and realized that someone who had known me for all of 3 weeks bought me a perfectly thoughtful and lovely gift and my STBX hadn't done that in 16 years.
    You may be right @VarunaTT

    This is reminding me of the LW from earlier this week but the difference is that they are years in.  I can't tell if the issue is that she never used her words or her words fall on deaf ears.  If it's the latter then she needs to figure out what is better for her - stay in a roommate-like marriage or move on and know she is mentally clearer without the baggage of him.
    The reason I never commented on that very post is b/c I was like, "I have WAY too much baggage to offer advice on this."  I own up to things I could've done better in the beginning and just thought we individually changed and not together.  At some point though, it became  me fighting to save my marriage and xH being a roommate.  I even called him a roommate one time, to his face, during another fight.  That is such an indicator of "you are no longer romantic partners."  Which can be okay, but if that's not what you want with your partner, it's a helluva painful thing to live with/through.
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  • levioosalevioosa member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    charlotte989875 said:
    banana468 said:
    baconsmom said:
    banana468 said:
    I do not understand why people fail to talk to the people that they live with.

    "Hey, my birthday is coming up and I want to do this for it."   Sometimes I have to be blunt with DH but you know what?   He delivers! 
    When we first got together, I told H that I had a birthday complex, since it's on Christmas. I never got to choose activities or anything, and now I'm a fucking tyrant about it, I'll admit. But I laid it out: You pay attention to me for my birthday, and I'll be VERY FORGIVING the rest of the year. This is important. 

    I don't understand the tendency to assume that everyone has lived the same lives we have, and therefore, their priorities are always the same as ours and nothing needs said. THINGS NEED SAID. SAY THEM. 
    Exactly!   I will tell DH what I want and then that happens within reason.


    I dropped several, very clear hints (as in “I love ice cream and my birthday is Tuesday) I wanted an ice cream cake for my birthday in the days before hand. 

    Guess who got an ice cream cake for their birthday? 

    Its not not rocket science. I think there is a (unfounded) belief (Thanks movies & books) that being in love/married/whatever means you’re supposed to read someone’s mind. It’s not realistic. How would my H know I wanted ice cream if I never told him?
    FI doesn’t do hints. I learned early on that I have to tell him exactly what I want (and conversely, things I don’t like). He is wonderful and he is constantly doing small things and buying small gifts, but he cannot take a hint. Ironically he is the king of hints. “Hey, I was looking at something I really liked on your amazon account. It was neat!” So you want that for your birthday. lol. 


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