Writing a Friend's Ceremony - Incorporating her daughter ????

Re: Writing a Friend's Ceremony - Incorporating her daughter ????

• MobKaz member

  

  August 2018

  Ladeda123 said:

  HI,
  I am trying to find nice ways to incorporate a 3.5 year old girl into the ceremony. her mother is getting married and we would like to think of a nice way to show the groom's commitment to her and the start of their family. Any ideas? Thanks!!

  Personally, I am not a fan of this.  The wedding is between the bride and the groom.  The ceremony is meant to show the union between the couple.  At the age of 3 1/2, any words or demonstration meant to signify a commitment will be lost on a child of that age. 
  

  
  

  The little girl can (with assistance) help to light a unity candle if that will be done in this ceremony.  Just prior to, or sometime after the ceremony, the couple can say something privately to the little girl.  They can offer a piece of jewelry to commemorate the day.  There is NO reason for any type of public display, however.
  

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• Ladeda123 member

  

  August 2018

  Ok, thank you but the family would like to do this so I am looking for ideas to help. I understand it is not to everyone's liking, but I am asking for people who have done this, how they have done so. I am asking only for ways to do it in the ceremony and not alternatives at this time. Thank you

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• levioosa member

  

  August 2018

  Ladeda123 said:

  Ok, thank you but the family would like to do this so I am looking for ideas to help. I understand it is not to everyone's liking, but I am asking for people who have done this, how they have done so. I am asking only for ways to do it in the ceremony and not alternatives at this time. Thank you

  The ceremony is between two consenting adults. A verbalized commitment between an adult and a child is not an appropriate part of this ceremony. 

  
  

  
  

  

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• ahoywedding member

  

  August 2018

  MobKaz said:

  Ladeda123 said:

  HI,
  I am trying to find nice ways to incorporate a 3.5 year old girl into the ceremony. her mother is getting married and we would like to think of a nice way to show the groom's commitment to her and the start of their family. Any ideas? Thanks!!

  Personally, I am not a fan of this.  The wedding is between the bride and the groom.  The ceremony is meant to show the union between the couple.  At the age of 3 1/2, any words or demonstration meant to signify a commitment will be lost on a child of that age. 
  

  
  

  The little girl can (with assistance) help to light a unity candle if that will be done in this ceremony.  Just prior to, or sometime after the ceremony, the couple can say something privately to the little girl.  They can offer a piece of jewelry to commemorate the day.  There is NO reason for any type of public display, however.
  

  I love this idea! Taking part in an act will be more meaningful to a young child than verbalizing words she may not understand. This IS a way to incorporate her into the ceremony. Also keep in mind that toddlers are unpredictable, and a 3.5 year old may not do or say what's planned at the right time. She may also not want to be in front of the ceremony at all when the day comes.

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• Jen4948 member

  

  August 2018 edited August 2018

  Ladeda123 said:

  Ok, thank you but the family would like to do this so I am looking for ideas to help. I understand it is not to everyone's liking, but I am asking for people who have done this, how they have done so. I am asking only for ways to do it in the ceremony and not alternatives at this time. Thank you

  Tell the family no. Just because they make a request does not require you to agree to it.
  
  The only persons for whom it is appropriate to "make commitments to one another" at wedding ceremonies are the couple getting married. Their children 1) aren't getting married and 2) can't legally consent to anything.
  
  Also, even if the family did this, how much would those "vows" be worth if the couple divorces? And what if the children don't want to do this?
  
  PS - it's not up to you how anyone here responds to your questions. You asked for our opinions on the entirety of your post by the act of posting in this forum, and we have every right to dissuade you from doing anything we believe is a violation of etiquette or otherwise a bad idea. Not only that, but an "I didn't ask you!" attitude comes off as very immature.

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• ShesSoCold mod

  

  August 2018

  Yeah I agree that including a child in a wedding ceremony is inappropriate and honestly kind of weird. Sure the kid is a part of their life - a huge part - but a marriage is between two people and is essentially a legal contract. The kid is not an equal partner here. 
  
  I get that you didn't ask for our opinions, but if I came here and asked whether I should serve squirrel or bear at my wedding, I sure as shit would hope that everyone would tell me that neither are good options and I need to serve something more universally appealing. 

  
  

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• maine7mob member

  

  August 2018

  OP, I know you want to honor the family's request, but this might be a good time to advise them not to do this. Kids that age are unpredictable and could really detract from the solemnity of the ceremony. The couple may think they want the little girl in the ceremony, but they can demonstrate their commitment to her outside it. It's kind of understood that they are committed to raising a child together, since they are getting married. There really is no need to display this to everyone else.
  
  But if they insist, and I get that you don't have any control over this, try to include the little girl in a role that won't affect the ceremony if she acts up. This is why the flower girl job was created, I am convinced! That little flower girl can go completely rogue (the one at my daughter's did, although she was adorable), and it won't matter one bit. The bride can enlist a non-participating relative to take her outside.  At D's wedding, an older boy cousin got this job and he loved it!

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• MesmrEwe member

  

  August 2018

  There are other ways to include the 3.5yo (Holding the Bridal Bouquet for example - so when she twirls it around and whacks Grandma it's caught on camera!)...  I wouldn't recommend a 3.5yo light any candles even with help because 3.5 is just around the age that they're figuring out how to blow out their own Birthday candles.  
  
  Also, this 100% depends on what the relationship with the child's biological father is.  If it's a case where the Groom is going to be legally adopting the child, or the Bio Dad is deceased, that's one thing, but otherwise, the reasons the PP have mentioned...

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