This is a shit situation. (TW: infant loss)

mrsconn23 · August 2018

Dear Prudence,
My sister-in-law just buried her infant son. She had struggled with infertility for years until he was born, and it’s devastating. I am currently four months pregnant. My husband and I already have children and have not told announced this pregnancy yet, but it is going to be obvious soon. I don’t want to cause my sister-in-law any more pain but I don’t see how I can’t. We’ve always had a difficult relationship and it mostly surrounds my children. She has been publicly bitter about my pregnancies and once said openly it wasn’t fair I had so many children when I wasn’t a good mother. (My sons were having a tantrum at a family picnic and she’d had had too much to drink.) We ended up leaving and later accepted an apology from my husband’s brother. I really was hoping that my nephew’s birth would be a chance for our family to turn over a new leaf. Now I feel like this divide will never be bridged. What can I do? What can I say?
—Feeling Tentative

OliveOilsMom · August 2018

This is a shit situation.

I hope the SIL is seeing someone to help with her grief over the loss and the infertility. If she is not seeing someone, I hope she has reached out to online support groups.

As for the pregnancy. I think that LW's H should tell his brother alone. Let the brother break it to SIL when he feels the time is ok.

As tough as it is when SIL is bitter about the pregnancies, I hope LW is able to be as kind as she can in return. When they left the family picnic instead of staying, that was a good way to respond.

If they are all together and the talk of her pregnancy comes up, I think LW and her H should shift the conversation away from the pregnancy to something else - non kid related. They can still be excited about the new baby, just don't do it when the SIL is around.

charlotte989875 · August 2018

Well that all sucks.

I think the hsuband band needs to talk to his brother; tell him about the pregnancy and ask how he think it’s best to proceed. But I’d also want him to make clear that comments about their children (current or future) and their parenting are off limits and won’t be tolerate.

Respect the SIL and her grief, but that’s doesnt mean you need to put up with being treated poorly.

short+sassy · August 2018

I don't even want kids, but can't even imagine that kind of heartbreak.

I agree with the PPs. The LW's BIL should be notified by the H before the news is out. Get guidance from the BIL on how best to handle the initial news and going forward. As a guess, it might be best if the BIL told his wife privately.

I would also guess it's best to keep the excitement and talk about the baby to a minimum, in her presence. I feel they should give the SIL some latitude if her behavior/comments isn't always right. But, at the same time, they also need to draw the line at the kind of egregious comment made at the family picnic. The LW and her family choosing to leave, if it was done with as little turmoil as possible, was a class act and the appropriate "non-response".

downtondiva · August 2018

What a sad situation. I agree that LW's husband needs to speak to his brother about this privately, and soon. It's not going to help matters if LW shows up to a family event obviously pregnant and SIL feels like the news was sprung on her out of nowhere. BIL needs to have a chance to break the news to her gently.

Beyond that, I think LW and her husband need to try not to make a big fuss about the pregnancy in front of BIL and SIL and should agree ahead of time how to handle it if SIL becomes angry again. While they need to respect her grief and how hard this all must be for her, that doesn't mean they have to allow her to insult either of them. Leaving the picnic was probably the most appropriate thing to do last time, and if they think they need to do that again, so be it.

Jen4948 · August 2018

How sad.

I agree with having the LW's husband break the news to his brother, who can in turn break it to his wife. And I also agree that around them the LW and her husband woukd do well to tone down their excitement about her pregnancy.

But, they should not have to pretend it's not happening, avoid the SIL or walk on eggshells around her. Nor should they have to accept bad behavior or unwarranted criticism from her. Boundaries are going to be their best friends here. Good practice for after their baby arrives, actually.

This is a shit situation. (TW: infant loss)

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