DH doesn't like me dancing it out.

mrsconn23 · August 2018

Dear Prudence,
I have been with my husband for seven years and we have been married for a little less than one. He is the love of my life and we have a lot in common but there is one thing we cannot seem to agree on. A couple of times a month, I like to go out with my friends dancing or to a bar, generally from about 9 p.m. until after midnight. My husband says this is inappropriate for a married woman. We’re all in our late 20s and early 30s. It’s a mostly female group, but our male friends are invited and often come as well. Most of us are in long-term relationships and we mostly enjoy each other’s company, dance, drink, play games, and so on. I’ve invited my husband but he doesn’t like to be up and out late and when he does come he becomes a wet mop, telling me to stop dancing, counting my drinks, and pushing to leave early. Here’s the solution we’ve settled on: I go out, he stays home, we agree on when I’ll be home and roughly how many drinks I will have, and I make sure I’m reachable at all times. Prudie, my parents trusted me enough not to give me a curfew when I was a teenager! Despite this arrangement, my husband’s mood often sours before I leave and stays bad through the following day, and the haggling over the terms of my hanging out feels like a fight we keep repeating with no resolution.

I’ve asked what he doesn’t like about my going out and whether he worries I’m going to cheat on him. He says he doesn’t—he just thinks it’s “inappropriate.” He doesn’t mind when I go out to brunch with friends or other daytime activities. My thoughts are that I am not doing anything wrong, and I should be able to go out with my friends without feeling like I need to abide by his rules. He thinks I need to stop “acting like I’m single.” Am I wrong?
—Inappropriate Wife Behavior

OliveOilsMom · August 2018

MrsConn - I thought this one might actually be you, since you put DH in the headline!

There are some issues between LW and H that should have been addressed prior to marriage. If H thought that LW should become a home body since they married, that should have been an expectation he told her about before the wedding. (Regardless of whether his view is right or wrong) LW should not have to change a long standing "tradition" just because she is married.

I wonder how the H felt about the LW and friends evenings out dancing when they were not married? Did that suddenly make them ok?

I'm at a loss as to what they should do. They seemed to have worked out a compromise, but H doesn't fulfill his half of the bargain. I also think its controlling to tell her the limit of drinks she can have, but if she is agreeable to that then its NBD. This doesn't really feel like a DTMF situation. Perhaps counseling could help them work out this problem, but the H has to follow through with the solution. Most of the overall issues is on the H, so whatever the final solution is, the H has to abide by it.

ShesSoCold · August 2018

This is hairy. I don't like telling other people what should and shouldn't be acceptable in their marriages, but FFS this guy just sounds so insecure and immature.

I have no advice. I don't know what I'd do if this were my H (which it sure as shit would not be. I spend a pretty good amount of time out drinking without him). But this is not an issue of what is and is not appropriate. I think it's an issue of his self-esteem and trust issues.

VarunaTT · August 2018

I can't imagine either partner I've had even doing this. I think LW has been pretty decent in creating a compromise that leaves them both a little happy and both a little controlled and H needs to get the hell on board with it. If he needs some counseling to get over telling his grown wife to do with her me-time, he can go get it. Maybe while she's out dancing will be a good time to schedule it.

missJeanLouise · August 2018

I would talk to him, let him know that this is a HIM issue and not actually about dancing. He may need to go to a therapist is figure out what he thinks a married person is supposed to act like and why he has a hard time when his wife doesn’t fit that mold. And in the mean time, I would continue to go dancing. I also would not be following a curfew or drink limit, no amount of adjustments LW will make him feel more secure because the issue is with him.

charlotte989875 · August 2018

Tell him he can come along and actually join in the fun. Or he can shut up about it. But that you won’t tolerate being treated like a child.

This is all about him & he needs to realize he’s being unreasonable.

mrsconn23 · August 2018

I really need to know if this was an issue for them prior to marriage. It makes me wonder if she thought, "When we're married, he'll have to trust me!" and he thought, "When we get married, she'll 'settle' down and not go out as much!"

He definitely needs to go to counseling on his own, and maybe they go to a few sessions together. But it means nothing if he won't hold up his end of any deal they make. This definitely runs up again 4 men territory if he refuses to work on his issue with how she spends time with her friends.

kvruns · August 2018

The only other thing I might add is if they have had any issues after these nights out - meaning has she had instances of drinking and driving, or starting fights with him when she gets home, being too hungover to do XYZ plans they had the next day. She doesn't mention that but it made me wonder, although if that were the case the spouse saying the going out is inappropriate wouldn't be the right verbiage I suppose.

levioosa · August 2018

Ew.

climbingsingle · August 2018

The thought of going out a couple times per month until midnight makes me tired. Me = old.

short+sassy · August 2018

She needs to throw his ridiculous "appropriate" word right back at him. As in, "I don't think it's appropriate for my husband to treat me like his teenaged daughter."

I think their compromise sounds great. But he needs to stop sulking and "punishing" her on the nights she goes out. That kind of behavior is immature and passive-aggressive. If he can't do that on his own, then a few marriage counseling sessions would be helpful.

I had a b/f in college like this. I wasn't "allowed" to go out with friends or to parties, by myself. He was almost always invited to come. So he would. But then he would sit sulking in a corner and start bugging me to leave after an 1-2 hours. I started setting parameters like, "Look, I'm planning to stay at this party until X time. DO NOT bother me about leaving until then. If you don't want to go, then don't."

Needless to say, he never advanced to husband status. I'm shocked we went out for as long as we did. What can I say? I was young and stupid, lol.

kerbohl · August 2018

Sounds like an expectation issue. I remember after I got married I was expected to act a certain way when it came to travel - it was unheard of to some people that I would do solo trips without my husband. The way this husband describes it sounds like a lot of the excuses I heard, that "it just isn't how a married woman acts". Except, we don't stop being us when a ring gets put on our fingers. LW enjoys social engagements with her group of friends, and her hubby needs to accept that it's part of who she is. Just like she is accepting that he doesn't like these social engagements and is not forcing him to come along. Definitely a him issue, but one that LW can talk to him about and try to get him some help to see why he should let her be her.

DH doesn't like me dancing it out.

Re: DH doesn't like me dancing it out.

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