Wedding Etiquette Forum

Two family weddings on the same day

My husband and I have two family weddings on the same day in October. My cousin and I were very close growing up and she did the makeup for my wedding. She and her fiancé sent out save the dates 3 months ago, and the wedding is in our hometown. My husbands brother verbally told us last week that he and his fiancé set a wedding date and it’s the same day as my cousins wedding. No other details have been shared about my brother in laws wedding, but it’s out of state. Do we both go to the brothers wedding because it’s immediate family? Do we split up and one of us go to each wedding since my cousin sent out information a long time ago? What’s the “right” way to approach this? 

Re: Two family weddings on the same day

  • We would probably split up or both go to brother's.  Depends on how close you and your H are to brother and his family.  Is it likely that one or both of you would be asked to be in the wedding?  You can always say no, but it is something I would consider. 

    There's really no "right" answer - just whatever is comfortable for you.  I don't think you both need to go to brothers just bc it's immediate family, but neither do you both have to go to cousin's bc it was planned first (you seem to be frustrated you don't have details to brother's wedding yet). 

    If an out of state wedding is fiscally out of bounds then that would make the decision for me pretty easily.

  • My husband and I would split up.
  • I think there's a lot more that goes into something like this than you can convey in a post. Family dynamics, relationships between each of you and the bride or groom, finances, etc.

    It does seem odd that your brother in law wouldn't check with immediate family before booking something, but every family is different. I would suggest talking about things with your husband once you have the details for both weddings and doing whatever you're comfortable with. 
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    MobKaz said:
    My husband and I have two family weddings on the same day in October. My cousin and I were very close growing up and she did the makeup for my wedding. She and her fiancé sent out save the dates 3 months ago, and the wedding is in our hometown. My husbands brother verbally told us last week that he and his fiancé set a wedding date and it’s the same day as my cousins wedding. No other details have been shared about my brother in laws wedding, but it’s out of state. Do we both go to the brothers wedding because it’s immediate family? Do we split up and one of us go to each wedding since my cousin sent out information a long time ago? What’s the “right” way to approach this? 
     I would wait to hear some of these details. They may have a date, and little more than that. With only 4 months to go, the verbal announcement seems a little “rushed”.  I realize lots of people plan a quick wedding, but that does seem short notice. I’m surprised no immediate family was asked prior to commiting to a date, especially for an out of state wedding. 
    Ditto this ^ 
    If you do in fact end up having two weddings on the same day, I’d lean towards splitting up.  H and I actually did that once.  We each had a cousin getting married a few years ago (I was pregnant w our first child)...all things were equal- closeness to the cousins, family drama levels, both fairly local weddings.  Weigh those factors and any others that are important to you and H.
  • We’d probably split up, or both go to H’s brother’s wedding. But that’s our families dynamics and if you have different ones you should take that into account. But generally I’d say brothers wedding trumps cousins, regardless of when you got the details. 
  • They each get one day - but I'd have your DH mention to the brother that you've already gotten a STD for your (close) cousin's wedding that same day ..  If the planning is in its infancy, never know this may influence the choice of dates, OTOH this is one of those "Darned if you do, darned if you don't" because it is your BIL that's getting married, and that's probably the one you should be at if I had to say without any knowledge of the background dynamics than you've said and send a generous gift to your cousin (and explain the somewhat crummy choice situation to your cousin when you first have a chance..)
  • I would split up and try and make it a point to attend brother-in-laws shower if invited with sincere apologies. That’s a tough situation. Make sure they know that you both want to be there for both of them. 
  • I'd probably split up and explain to both couples that there's a schedule conflict that day.
  • We would most likely split up, but a lot of it depends on where the BIL's wedding is an how much it would cost to travel. TBH, it would seem odd to me to get first notice of a sibling's out of state wedding with only 3-4 months to go, and I would question whether it was really going to happen. (Especially with my flaky ILs, but that's another story.) I would be really hesitant to book an expensive flight until we'd actually gotten the invitation. 


  • Agreeing with everyone else- intricate family dynamics are at play here. My first reaction was to split up and that's totally acceptable and logical. In mulling it just a bit more, I could see both of us attending my sibling's wedding over his cousin's wedding. But that's because my sister would be appalled if we both didn't attend, and DH doesn't really like his cousins. Haha. See? Family dynamics. 
    ________________________________


  • Is it October 20th? I read somewhere that that's the most popular wedding day in 2018.
    Anyway, I'm not a fan of splitting up for weddings but since it's family you know a lot of people at each wedding, so it's not too too bad for you to go to your cousins, and him his brother's.  Only thing I would factor in is cost and of course, as other pp's have said, how close H and his brother are.

  • Is it October 20th? I read somewhere that that's the most popular wedding day in 2018.
    Anyway, I'm not a fan of splitting up for weddings but since it's family you know a lot of people at each wedding, so it's not too too bad for you to go to your cousins, and him his brother's.  Only thing I would factor in is cost and of course, as other pp's have said, how close H and his brother are.
    October has quickly overtaken the month of June as the most popular month for weddings (Mild, more even temperatures/weather patterns over most of the country)...
  • Agreeing with everyone else- intricate family dynamics are at play here. My first reaction was to split up and that's totally acceptable and logical. In mulling it just a bit more, I could see both of us attending my sibling's wedding over his cousin's wedding. But that's because my sister would be appalled if we both didn't attend, and DH doesn't really like his cousins. Haha. See? Family dynamics. 
    What if your DH really did like his cousins and wanted to attend their wedding? And what if they would be appalled if you didn't attend?

    Family dynamics don't always work if each side is appalled that their in-law, let alone their own relative, went to another wedding.
  • Jen4948 said:
    Agreeing with everyone else- intricate family dynamics are at play here. My first reaction was to split up and that's totally acceptable and logical. In mulling it just a bit more, I could see both of us attending my sibling's wedding over his cousin's wedding. But that's because my sister would be appalled if we both didn't attend, and DH doesn't really like his cousins. Haha. See? Family dynamics. 
    What if your DH really did like his cousins and wanted to attend their wedding? And what if they would be appalled if you didn't attend?

    Family dynamics don't always work if each side is appalled that their in-law, let alone their own relative, went to another wedding.
    That's what she means by family dynamics.  There isn't a perfect answer here.  
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2018
    banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Agreeing with everyone else- intricate family dynamics are at play here. My first reaction was to split up and that's totally acceptable and logical. In mulling it just a bit more, I could see both of us attending my sibling's wedding over his cousin's wedding. But that's because my sister would be appalled if we both didn't attend, and DH doesn't really like his cousins. Haha. See? Family dynamics. 
    What if your DH really did like his cousins and wanted to attend their wedding? And what if they would be appalled if you didn't attend?

    Family dynamics don't always work if each side is appalled that their in-law, let alone their own relative, went to another wedding.
    That's what she means by family dynamics.  There isn't a perfect answer here.  
    I know. "Family dynamics" doesn't work in this situation because someone is going to have to suck it up and be "appalled" no matter what. But they would be obnoxiously selfish to take that out on the absent relative.
  • banana468 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Agreeing with everyone else- intricate family dynamics are at play here. My first reaction was to split up and that's totally acceptable and logical. In mulling it just a bit more, I could see both of us attending my sibling's wedding over his cousin's wedding. But that's because my sister would be appalled if we both didn't attend, and DH doesn't really like his cousins. Haha. See? Family dynamics. 
    What if your DH really did like his cousins and wanted to attend their wedding? And what if they would be appalled if you didn't attend?

    Family dynamics don't always work if each side is appalled that their in-law, let alone their own relative, went to another wedding.
    That's what she means by family dynamics.  There isn't a perfect answer here.  
    I know. If both sides are going to be "appalled" by the absence of invited guests who were invited to another wedding on the same day, then you need some other way to decide what to do than "family dynamics."
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