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Moving In together

2019bride2019bride member
Name Dropper First Comment
edited June 2018 in Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum
My fiancé and I are in the process of apartment shopping as well as planning a wedding so imagine how much stress I am going through. We live in Miami so you don’t really get much for your money. (Ugh) Our wedding isn’t until January and we’re hoping to be in a place by December.. We both grew up in church and still go so we’re not really fans of moving in before marriage. Our pastor suggested that one of us move in before the wedding and after the wedding the other will move in. That sounds pretty decent to me. 

What are some of you guys doing and how does it work for you and your FH?

What are the pros and cons?

Thanks for reading
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Re: Moving In together

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    ernursejernursej member
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    My H and I lived together for many years before we married but I think some of the pros and cons are valid no matter when you move in together. I'm assuming you only want pros/cons for one person moving in or no one moving in and not moving in together ahead of your wedding.

    The biggest pro I can see for one of you moving in is that you can start to organize the home. The biggest con would be that whoever moves in first it will seem more like their place.

    One thing I wish I had done differently was not move into my H's place. I really think moving into a new place (blank canvas) for both individuals is important. It may not be as big of a deal if it is just a month or two, but it was a lesson that I learned and I would not repeat.

    If you are renting, you could just start looking after you get married or in that last month. Buying a house is a bit more of a deal and best to either do far in advance or after the wedding. Do you have any other options other than renting or buying right away? Could you stay together in one of your current digs for a month or two and apartment shop together after the wedding?

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    2019bride2019bride member
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    I agree with the con that it will feel more like the persons place who moved in first. I want it to be special for the both of us. I may have to reconsider that option. I am also in the process of trying to get some information about the first time home buyer program because more then anything I want a home and so does FH but whatever comes first we will be happy. We both are currently living with family and his mom and dad already made it clear to us that we cannot stay with them after our wedding.
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    artbyallieartbyallie mod
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    We moved in after getting engaged. The pastor who officiated got a little judgey about it, but it was what worked best for us and ultimately not his business. My parents were less judgmental than his, and recognized that they don't get a say in our choices as partners.
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    2019bride2019bride member
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    I’m glad you guys did what was best and didn’t let anyone come between what you wanted. Kudos!
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    ernursejernursej member
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    2019bride said:
    I agree with the con that it will feel more like the persons place who moved in first. I want it to be special for the both of us. I may have to reconsider that option. I am also in the process of trying to get some information about the first time home buyer program because more then anything I want a home and so does FH but whatever comes first we will be happy. We both are currently living with family and his mom and dad already made it clear to us that we cannot stay with them after our wedding.

    I would say that you should just look for a rental that you can be in for 6 months to 1 year and then it doesn't really matter who moves in first. You will find out how you use spaces together and that may change the type of property you look for. Moving is a pain but the bigger pain is buying something that doesn't fit your needs.
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    MobKazMobKaz member
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    2019bride said:
    I agree with the con that it will feel more like the persons place who moved in first. I want it to be special for the both of us. I may have to reconsider that option. I am also in the process of trying to get some information about the first time home buyer program because more then anything I want a home and so does FH but whatever comes first we will be happy. We both are currently living with family and his mom and dad already made it clear to us that we cannot stay with them after our wedding.
    I agree with what @ernursej said.  However, if the apartment you choose is close enough to where you currently live, I would guess you would spend a lot of evenings and weekends there putzing around and putting your touches on it as well.  In that regard it might not necessarily feel more like his than yours.

    My daughter and her FI moved in together about 6 months after becoming engaged, which was about 15 months prior to their wedding.  While signing up for pre-Cana classes, the parish priest had them fill out paper work.  They had to offer their address.  DD gave it first.  When Father asked for SIL’s, SIL offered the same address.  Father merely and quietly added, “Apartment 2?”  That was the end of his “judgment”.  

    I don’t know that you would want to move in with anyone after your marriage, so it’s probably best your FIL’s already made that clear.  
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    thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 member
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    DH and I moved in together after getting engaged. He moved in to my place, and after the wedding we found a new place together. He never really felt like my home was "his" though ("ours"), even with some of his furniture replacing mine, his dishes in the cabinets, etc. 
    If one of you moves in first, I'd recommend the necessary items for living be things you try to pick out together so it feels like home to both of you. In your situation, I'd imagine you're registering for a lot of home items, so like I said- the basics. A new bed, a couch, big stuff you wouldn't register for- pick those out together. 
    Start talking about a design aesthetic now, too! With me and DH, our tastes overlapped like a bad Venn diagram. This diagram was a donut. I liked everything he liked, but my tastes were far more broad and he did not like most of what I liked. So, I'd end up picking out three items that I liked that I thought he'd like, and let him pick from the top 3 what he wanted me to ultimately buy. 

    Personally, I'd go with renting for a year before buying. Buying can take a lot of time and that's a lot of stress on top of wedding planning. 


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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    We lived together for a few years before getting married. I wouldn't have gotten married without first living together. We were a more solid couple and knew more about each other by the time we made that commitment. 

    If you don't want to live together, don't. But your post makes it sound like you want to but aren't because of your church. If that's the case, tell them to MYOB. You're an adult, ready to make a life long commitment. Do what you think is best. Instead of having one move in first, I would just sign a lease in December, start moving stuff in, but both wait until the wedding to live there.

    Ditto PP. I would rent for 6 months or a year before buying a house. Since you are just moving in together and likely haven't combined finances yet, you're probably not ready to buy. Plus, it's a ton of time, work and stress. Better to sign a six month lease and then get the ball rolling after the wedding. 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    I've known a lot of people who can move in one day.  I've also known people...like myself, lol...who need weeks to move.  If you all think you might be in the "weekend mover" category, I wouldn't bother paying extra rent for a few extra weeks/extra month.  You can still have a lease signed and ready to go for X move-in date.

    But if you think you need the more time option, I think it's a good idea that you all start moving your stuff over there.  And then both start staying there after the wedding.

    As for buying a house, definitely wait until after you all are married.  Especially if neither one of you have lived away from home.  You all need time to figure out finances together, even if you aren't combining accounts/income.  You need to figure the wants and needs you both have for a house.

    The bummer is, you're probably going to have to sign a one-year lease.  But think of it as a bit more time to save for a bigger down payment.  I lived in Miami for 3 months after Hurricane Katrina and it was super, super difficult to find anything that didn't require a one -year lease.  No apartment complexes.  Very few independent landlords.  And, yeah, rents are HIGH there.  It was rough, but we did finally find a month-to-month situation.

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    ahoyweddingahoywedding member
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    We lived together before we were even engaged, but we knew things were moving toward marriage. I've had friends who didn't want to live together before marriage, though. One couple bought a house a few months before the wedding. He lived there, while she still lived with her parents. She did stay there often and helped with decorating & all that so it did feel like their place instead of his. I also had another friend and her now-H who lived together before marriage but had separate rooms. They're very religious, and felt this was an acceptable compromise. 
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    knottie6b26f5f455efe856knottie6b26f5f455efe856 member
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    I come from a very conservative Muslim community, but pretty much the same situation as you. It's very frowned upon to move in together before the wedding, so my fiance and are shopping for a house AND planning a wedding. It's not so bad yet though... I'm tackling the wedding with a bit of his help, and he's tackling the house hunt with a bit of my help. It's been working well so far, and I like that we will have a place to call home the moment we become Mr. and Mrs. It makes the day of and moving in more special to me for sure. He'll move in early, and I'll start dropping my stuff off so we'll be all set to go the wedding night.

    I take all advice with a grain of salt, especially about wedding planning. I work full time and only have 4.5 months to pull together a Pakistani-Indian wedding, which will include a 250 person wedding, a 125 person Henna party, and at least 3 other parties (I'm not counting any of the parties hosted by the groom, which are easily 1000+ people). If you're flexible on the details, which I am, it's really not so bad. So far the only big thing I have left is the Henna party venue and catering; from there I get to the fun stuff like dress/makeup/my henna. 
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    If you want to move in together, do it regardless of what your pastor (or anyone else) says. If you don’t, that is fine, too. If you agree with your pastor and you two want to wait, that’s good, too. 

    I agree with PPs though that it may feel more like the person who moves in fiest’s place, but that will fade over time. Or you’ll move. 

    I think the most important thing is to think about what you two both want. We did move in together before we were engaged. But we were definitely heading in that direction, talking about engagement and marriage, & it worked out. But neither of us had strict religious (or otherwise) beliefs about not living together before marriage. 
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    lovesclimbinglovesclimbing member
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    I disagree with the notion that the place will always feel like it is more the first person to move in's place. 

    H and I did not live together before we were married. We looked at places and rented one in both our names together, and then H moved in. I moved in six months later after we got married. Even during our engagement, we talked about "our place" (so much so that our pastor actually asked if we were living together). It was never an issue,and I never felt like it was more "his" than mine. 
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    ernursejernursej member
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    lovesclimbing said:
    I disagree with the notion that the place will always feel like it is more the first person to move in's place. 

    H and I did not live together before we were married. We looked at places and rented one in both our names together, and then H moved in. I moved in six months later after we got married. Even during our engagement, we talked about "our place" (so much so that our pastor actually asked if we were living together). It was never an issue,and I never felt like it was more "his" than mine. 
    I think it depends on the amount of time and how personalized the place gets. My H lived in ‘our place’ for almost 4 years before I moved in and now 6 years later, I still feel like it is more his than ours. It is a compromise that I made that I would do differently if allowed a do over but it was a price that couldn’t be beat and still can’t be beat. 
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    2019bride2019bride member
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    To us we also feel like moving in together before marriage will take away the excitement for when we move it together, it won’t necessarily feel like a new milestone in our life since we will already be living together, if I’m making sense? We want to feel excited going back to our home so we agreed that no one will move in first. We will just decorate it then move in together after the wedding.

    thanks for all your replies. 
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    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    edited July 2018
    banana468 said:
    2019bride said:
    To us we also feel like moving in together before marriage will take away the excitement for when we move it together, it won’t necessarily feel like a new milestone in our life since we will already be living together, if I’m making sense? We want to feel excited going back to our home so we agreed that no one will move in first. We will just decorate it then move in together after the wedding.

    thanks for all your replies. 
    I think that's a really bad idea from a safety and logistical standpoint.

    The reality is that you're going to have "stuff" in there.   That includes working appliances, wedding gifts, and a home of stuff.  I think getting the keys and decorating and leaving things in a place that goes uninhabited for a somewhat lengthy period is an issue.    If you can limit the time that's lapsed between taking over a lease or mortgage and the time that someone lives there it's safer in the long run.   If you're talking about a week or something NBD but IMO if the time lapsed between getting the keys and moving in is more than two weeks reconsider and at least have one person stay there. 
    This. Also, your renters insurance will probably have a non-occupancy exclusion that could void it if the premises is broken into with no one living there. At the very least, make sure your agent knows what your plans are and that you're insured properly.

    Edited because words are hard. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    ShesSoCold said:
    banana468 said:
    2019bride said:
    To us we also feel like moving in together before marriage will take away the excitement for when we move it together, it won’t necessarily feel like a new milestone in our life since we will already be living together, if I’m making sense? We want to feel excited going back to our home so we agreed that no one will move in first. We will just decorate it then move in together after the wedding.

    thanks for all your replies. 
    I think that's a really bad idea from a safety and logistical standpoint.

    The reality is that you're going to have "stuff" in there.   That includes working appliances, wedding gifts, and a home of stuff.  I think getting the keys and decorating and leaving things in a place that goes uninhabited for a somewhat lengthy period is an issue.    If you can limit the time that's lapsed between taking over a lease or mortgage and the time that someone lives there it's safer in the long run.   If you're talking about a week or something NBD but IMO if the time lapsed between getting the keys and moving in is more than two weeks reconsider and at least have one person stay there. 
    This. Also, your renters insurance will probably have a non-occupancy exclusion that could void it if the premises is broken into with no one living there. At the very least, make sure your agent knows what your plans are and that you're insured properly.

    Edited because words are hard. 
    I know our homeowners insurance states that its owner occupied.   I'm not sure if there were any issues since we didn't move in immediately after closing but it wasn't a long period (I think just over a week).    
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    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
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    banana468 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    banana468 said:
    2019bride said:
    To us we also feel like moving in together before marriage will take away the excitement for when we move it together, it won’t necessarily feel like a new milestone in our life since we will already be living together, if I’m making sense? We want to feel excited going back to our home so we agreed that no one will move in first. We will just decorate it then move in together after the wedding.

    thanks for all your replies. 
    I think that's a really bad idea from a safety and logistical standpoint.

    The reality is that you're going to have "stuff" in there.   That includes working appliances, wedding gifts, and a home of stuff.  I think getting the keys and decorating and leaving things in a place that goes uninhabited for a somewhat lengthy period is an issue.    If you can limit the time that's lapsed between taking over a lease or mortgage and the time that someone lives there it's safer in the long run.   If you're talking about a week or something NBD but IMO if the time lapsed between getting the keys and moving in is more than two weeks reconsider and at least have one person stay there. 
    This. Also, your renters insurance will probably have a non-occupancy exclusion that could void it if the premises is broken into with no one living there. At the very least, make sure your agent knows what your plans are and that you're insured properly.

    Edited because words are hard. 
    I know our homeowners insurance states that its owner occupied.   I'm not sure if there were any issues since we didn't move in immediately after closing but it wasn't a long period (I think just over a week).    
    Yeah, I don't remember the exact timeframe from my licensing class, but the occupancy exclusion is definitely more than a week (I'm thinking like 6-8), at least in IL.

    Definitely something OP should talk about with her agent. 
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    banana468banana468 member
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    ShesSoCold said:
    banana468 said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    banana468 said:
    2019bride said:
    To us we also feel like moving in together before marriage will take away the excitement for when we move it together, it won’t necessarily feel like a new milestone in our life since we will already be living together, if I’m making sense? We want to feel excited going back to our home so we agreed that no one will move in first. We will just decorate it then move in together after the wedding.

    thanks for all your replies. 
    I think that's a really bad idea from a safety and logistical standpoint.

    The reality is that you're going to have "stuff" in there.   That includes working appliances, wedding gifts, and a home of stuff.  I think getting the keys and decorating and leaving things in a place that goes uninhabited for a somewhat lengthy period is an issue.    If you can limit the time that's lapsed between taking over a lease or mortgage and the time that someone lives there it's safer in the long run.   If you're talking about a week or something NBD but IMO if the time lapsed between getting the keys and moving in is more than two weeks reconsider and at least have one person stay there. 
    This. Also, your renters insurance will probably have a non-occupancy exclusion that could void it if the premises is broken into with no one living there. At the very least, make sure your agent knows what your plans are and that you're insured properly.

    Edited because words are hard. 
    I know our homeowners insurance states that its owner occupied.   I'm not sure if there were any issues since we didn't move in immediately after closing but it wasn't a long period (I think just over a week).    
    Yeah, I don't remember the exact timeframe from my licensing class, but the occupancy exclusion is definitely more than a week (I'm thinking like 6-8), at least in IL.

    Definitely something OP should talk about with her agent. 
    But beyond that, if she's set on this the place should have some kind of an alarm system or at least a check ins periodically.

    Also, if they're hellbent on this then they need to consider that they're most likely going to have a stressful period right after they get married since moving is ruled to be one of the most stressful things you can do.   

    I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer but the reality is that weddings can have enough stress tied to them even if it's positive stress.   If you add moving into that it's just a lot on your plate.  I can even understand not living together until after the big day but I'd advise having someone moved in and staying there if for no other reason than you're not coming in from your wedding night or honeymoon and wondering where your underwear is,  how are you going to have coffee in the morning and where is the toilet paper. 
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    holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 member
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    2019bride said:
    To us we also feel like moving in together before marriage will take away the excitement for when we move it together, it won’t necessarily feel like a new milestone in our life since we will already be living together, if I’m making sense? We want to feel excited going back to our home so we agreed that no one will move in first. We will just decorate it then move in together after the wedding.

    thanks for all your replies. 
    I think you're getting a bit wrapped up in the idea of how weddings / move-ins work in the movies or on tv.  My husband had some necessities at my / our house when we got married and we moved other stuff gradually.  But I had lived there for 7 years and it was furnished.   

    You're gonna have wedding gifts arriving there via UPS / Fedex or whatever ... who's gonna sign for them?  Are they gonna be sitting at the front door?




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    banana468banana468 member
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    holyguacamole79 said:
    2019bride said:
    To us we also feel like moving in together before marriage will take away the excitement for when we move it together, it won’t necessarily feel like a new milestone in our life since we will already be living together, if I’m making sense? We want to feel excited going back to our home so we agreed that no one will move in first. We will just decorate it then move in together after the wedding.

    thanks for all your replies. 
    I think you're getting a bit wrapped up in the idea of how weddings / move-ins work in the movies or on tv.  My husband had some necessities at my / our house when we got married and we moved other stuff gradually.  But I had lived there for 7 years and it was furnished.   

    You're gonna have wedding gifts arriving there via UPS / Fedex or whatever ... who's gonna sign for them?  Are they gonna be sitting at the front door?
    And to add, this is a lot to take on while you're probably going to need to be writing TY notes too.   Sure it's silly to think about that but it's just A LOT to add to a full plate.

    I'm not advising you to go against your morals - just to think about some logistics.  My dad moved into my parents' house and lived there for 6 months before my parents were married.  They had modest furnishings but at least they had them well so it wasn't like they were looking at how to make the bed on their wedding night.

    As it was they realized that the day after their honeymoon they still needed to go out and get a coffee pot.   Don't ask me what my dad was doing for those other 6 months.
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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
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    So I think you have some better options here than having an apartment sit empty with stuff in it before you move in. 

    1) Find a place now and have one of you move in before the wedding. Sure it might feel like more of their place; but you can go over, pick out colors/furniture/whatever together and help decorate when they move in. Then the other person moves in after the wedding, but it's still to a place they helped design, so to speak. When H and I first moved in together he picked out the apartment and I didn't move in until 8 weeks after he'd been living there because I went to a summer math institute. It did feel like his place for a while, but it faded (once I rearranged the kitchen to how I wanted it). 

    2) Wait until after the wedding (and after the HM and all the TY's) and start looking for a place then. Sure it's going to take a while, but they you'll be able to pick it out together, move in and unpack together, and decorate/whatever together once you're in. 

    3) I can't tell if you're renting or buying; if you're renting look in the fall for something with a lease start after the wedding. That way you'll have a place set and ready to go, but you won't have to move until after the wedding. If you're buying this is often much harder to time because you don't always get to control the closing date, especially if the seller is contingent on buying a new place/or can't move right away, or needs to stay in the place longer. 

    I do, however agree with PP's about a few things; 1) moving right before or right after the wedding (one of you, or both of you) is going to add a lot of stress for yourselves. Totally possible to do, but moving sucks and it's not a ton of fun. I wouldn't have wanted to do that right before the wedding. If I were in that situation I'd much rather move in to an apartment/house that is set up (even if it wasn't by me) than try to rush a move before the wedding. But YMMV. 
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
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    banana468 said:
    But beyond that, if she's set on this the place should have some kind of an alarm system or at least a check ins periodically.

    Also, if they're hellbent on this then they need to consider that they're most likely going to have a stressful period right after they get married since moving is ruled to be one of the most stressful things you can do.   

    I hate to sound like a Debbie Downer but the reality is that weddings can have enough stress tied to them even if it's positive stress.   If you add moving into that it's just a lot on your plate.  I can even understand not living together until after the big day but I'd advise having someone moved in and staying there if for no other reason than you're not coming in from your wedding night or honeymoon and wondering where your underwear is,  how are you going to have coffee in the morning and where is the toilet paper. 

    Before either packing for a trip or moving, I spend the few days ahead of time paying attention to exactly what I'm automatically grabbing and using, lol.

    I think in my first move ever, I went to use the bathroom and no toilet paper.  No idea where it was packed.  It actually made a strong impression on my psyche, lol.  There is a roll of toilet paper in my purse or a handy tote bag, every time I've moved since.

    I even extend that courtesy to my tenants, lol. When I have a new tenant moving in, I make sure there is toilet paper on the roll, plus another full one handy.  One roll of paper towels and one trash bag on the kitchen counter.  And a 12-pack of cold bottled water in the fridge.  Because moving is hot and tiring.

    At any rate, those are the most basic essentials that I find I am always using when I first move into a place.

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    knottie7d6129cc92a62680knottie7d6129cc92a62680 member
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    i don't think it would be a problem to move in before marriage, because me and my husband lived together 2 months after getting engaged. no matter what the others said about it, it's your life and it's your choice
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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
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    If you're not fans of moving in before marriage, then you don't have to do it, just because it seems more convenient. For generations, literally millions of couples did not live together before they got married, and they still managed to merge their stuff just fine. Is there some reason why you want to be in a place in December instead of January, @2019bride? 

    If not, it might be best to find a place, and start your lease on a date after your honeymoon, then come back and move in. Or you could start your lease just before the wedding and move a few non-essential items in, then come back from your honeymoon and do the big move.

    But if you are already sleeping together, and this whole thing is just to appease family members who might be upset, then there's really no merit in delaying moving in together. Just go ahead with it. I mean, if you are a church-goer as you say, you know that God already knows what you are doing, so there's no point in trying to pretend for pastor, family, church, etc. Their opinions don't really count!
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