Announcing pregnancy at wedding

Knottieab69122333af8778 · August 2018

My husband and I don't get along with his cousin. She is always trying to steal other peoples thunder. Two years ago she was married and showed up to my brother and sister in law wedding with a strange man. When asked where her husband was she told everyone he was on business and denied having any marital issues. When people asked if she was getting a divorce she freaked out on them and told them it wasn't their business including her aunt (myMIL). The stories of her craziness are endless. We chose to not allow her to bring a plus one to our wedding bc of her tendency to cause drama.She is apparently dating a guy that she was cheating on her ex husband with. She finally got divorced and admitted to evwryone. The guy she is dating is not the one she brought to the previous weddimg. In the past two years she hasn't introduced him to any family or brought him to any parties.They are both actively on social media but do not have any pics of each other in the two years dating. So I feel it's a fling and didnt want the entire family meeting him at my wedding. I thought not allowing her a plus one would prevent her making a scene. Well I was wrong. at my wedding she told another cousin that she was pregnant and told the cousin to spread the news after she left. She left right after dinner was served and within minutes it's all a home could talk about. Am I crazy for being upset she pretty much announced her pregnancy at my weddimg? She apparently knew fora few weeks and didn't tell anyone at a birthday party a week prior to my wedding. I feel like she purposely waited for my wedding!

missJeanLouise · August 2018

Knottieab69122333af8778 said:

My husband and I don't get along with his cousin. She is always trying to steal other peoples thunder. Two years ago she was married and showed up to my brother and sister in law wedding with a strange man. When asked where her husband was she told everyone he was on business and denied having any marital issues. When people asked if she was getting a divorce she freaked out on them and told them it wasn't their business including her aunt (myMIL). The stories of her craziness are endless. We chose to not allow her to bring a plus one to our wedding bc of her tendency to cause drama.She is apparently dating a guy that she was cheating on her ex husband with. She finally got divorced and admitted to evwryone. The guy she is dating is not the one she brought to the previous weddimg. In the past two years she hasn't introduced him to any family or brought him to any parties.They are both actively on social media but do not have any pics of each other in the two years dating. So I feel it's a fling and didnt want the entire family meeting him at my wedding. I thought not allowing her a plus one would prevent her making a scene. Well I was wrong. at my wedding she told another cousin that she was pregnant and told the cousin to spread the news after she left. She left right after dinner was served and within minutes it's all a home could talk about. Am I crazy for being upset she pretty much announced her pregnancy at my weddimg? She apparently knew fora few weeks and didn't tell anyone at a birthday party a week prior to my wedding. I feel like she purposely waited for my wedding!

It’s not like she grabbed the DJ mic and announced it. She told one person. For all you know, she could have told that cousin to not tell anyone. So yes, I do think you are a little crazy for being upset. It is your choice on whether you continue to let this upset you or if you drop it and move on. I hope it is the latter.

I am not even going to touch on the fact that you were rude by not allowing her Significant Other to come, as it is in the past and nothing can be done, but that’s probably why she left right after dinner.

lovesclimbing · August 2018

Well, first, her not telling a few weeks before when she already knew is her business. I don't tell people as soon as I find out I'm pregnant either. These days, women typically find out they're pregnant when they're only four to five weeks along by taking a home pregnancy test when their period is late, but many, if not most, women wait until they're 10-12 weeks or later to announce. Sure, it's possible she was rubbing her hands together and saying "I'm going to wait to tell until so-and-so's wedding and steal her thunder!" It's more likely it was earlier than she was comfortable sharing previously.

Second, she told one person she was pregnant st your wedding and then news traveled fast. (You shouldn't be upset with anyone, but it would make more sense to be upset with the person who spread the news around than the person who told only 1 person.) I truly doubt it was "all (anyone?) could talk about." That is the kind of thing that spreads around. Nbd. It's not uncommon for new family news to get spread around at big get togethers like weddings when family you don't see often is together.

Finally, everything else about her affair/flings/relationships/whatever is not at all relevant to the question at hand. Yea, frankly, it isn't anyone else's business whether she's getting a divorce! And I fail to see how all of that is "thunder stealing," which isn't even a thing. She's done nothing to you, and you should just ignore it.

MobKaz · August 2018

Knottieab69122333af8778 said:

My husband and I don't get along with his cousin. She is always trying to steal other peoples thunder. Two years ago she was married and showed up to my brother and sister in law wedding with a strange man. When asked where her husband was she told everyone he was on business and denied having any marital issues. When people asked if she was getting a divorce she freaked out on them and told them it wasn't their business including her aunt (myMIL). The stories of her craziness are endless. We chose to not allow her to bring a plus one to our wedding bc of her tendency to cause drama.She is apparently dating a guy that she was cheating on her ex husband with. She finally got divorced and admitted to evwryone. The guy she is dating is not the one she brought to the previous weddimg. In the past two years she hasn't introduced him to any family or brought him to any parties.They are both actively on social media but do not have any pics of each other in the two years dating. So I feel it's a fling and didnt want the entire family meeting him at my wedding. I thought not allowing her a plus one would prevent her making a scene. Well I was wrong. at my wedding she told another cousin that she was pregnant and told the cousin to spread the news after she left. She left right after dinner was served and within minutes it's all a home could talk about. Am I crazy for being upset she pretty much announced her pregnancy at my weddimg? She apparently knew fora few weeks and didn't tell anyone at a birthday party a week prior to my wedding. I feel like she purposely waited for my wedding!

Because this is the Etiquette Board, I highlighted the only important factors in your question regarding whether you are wrong and/or crazy.

To know someone is in a relationship and deliberately not afford their SO an invitation is wrong, What makes you crazy is thinking that you can assess and determine the value of anyone's relationship.

Jen4948 · August 2018

It was wrong not to invite her SO, as PPs note, so I'm not going to dwell on that.

If the cousin had grabbed the mike and announced her pregnancy, or shouted it for everyone to hear or otherwise made a spectacle of announcing it, yes, I think that would have crossed the line into rudeness. I'll agree that the person she told should not have spread the word at your wedding.

But since she merely told one other person, it doesn't sound to me like she was deliberately being rude to you by "causing drama."

downtondiva · August 2018

Even if the cousin is as much of a piece of work as you say, that didn't make it okay for you to judge her current relationship by refusing to invite her SO. Sorry, but you were wrong there. Also, what made you think that her not bringing an SO would change her usual behavior? People who are prone to making scenes are going to do it no matter who's around.

As for the "announcement" of her pregnancy, it's not like she got up in front of everyone and made a spectacle out of telling them (which I agree would be very rude). Are you even sure that she really told someone to spread the word during the wedding, or did that person take it upon themselves to tell everyone? While it's definitely weird if she did that, the person who spread the word also had the choice not to do it. Either way, I don't think it's worth dwelling on.

The reality is that when people hear something interesting at a social event, chances are they're going to talk about it. Your guests were never going to spend 5 hours sitting around talking about you and your wedding. You don't have to like this cousin, but you're kind of acting like she ruined your day, and I highly doubt that's the case.

redoryx · August 2018

Knottieab69122333af8778 said:

My husband and I don't get along with his cousin. She is always trying to steal other peoples thunder. Two years ago she was married and showed up to my brother and sister in law wedding with a strange man. When asked where her husband was she told everyone he was on business and denied having any marital issues. When people asked if she was getting a divorce she freaked out on them and told them it wasn't their business including her aunt (myMIL). The stories of her craziness are endless. We chose to not allow her to bring a plus one to our wedding bc of her tendency to cause drama.She is apparently dating a guy that she was cheating on her ex husband with. She finally got divorced and admitted to evwryone. The guy she is dating is not the one she brought to the previous weddimg. In the past two years she hasn't introduced him to any family or brought him to any parties.They are both actively on social media but do not have any pics of each other in the two years dating. So I feel it's a fling and didnt want the entire family meeting him at my wedding. I thought not allowing her a plus one would prevent her making a scene. Well I was wrong. at my wedding she told another cousin that she was pregnant and told the cousin to spread the news after she left. She left right after dinner was served and within minutes it's all a home could talk about. Am I crazy for being upset she pretty much announced her pregnancy at my weddimg? She apparently knew fora few weeks and didn't tell anyone at a birthday party a week prior to my wedding. I feel like she purposely waited for my wedding!

1) It wasn't their business and it was rude of anyone to ask, yet she's somehow the crazy one?

2) It was rude of you not to invite her significant other

3) She told one person.

4) Have you seriously never had a friend or family be pregnant and not tell anyone for awhile?

LondonLisa · August 2018

Christ on a Cracker, how much attention does a grown woman need? You were at a party that was dedicated to you, in a gown that no one else can wear the same colour, where everyone bought you gifts, and toasted you, and you still can't handle that for a second they were talking about something other than you?

You are acting like she grabbed the mic and stopped your first dance to announce it. Plenty of news is shared when family gathers together for things like weddings.

maine7mob · August 2018

OP, I know everyone is hard on you, but look at it this way: your husband's cousin has been dating this guy for two years. It's not a fling. Even if you're in the "no ring, no bring" camp, it would have been gracious to invite him. Your wedding is not the time to be mean to someone you don't like, and it's not an excuse to snub people.

In fact, it's the exact opposite. It's a time to be expansive, generous, and gracious. Because all eyes are on you, you can afford to just let things slide. I get that there's a history here that we know nothing about and I believe you when you say this woman is crazy, but in a sense, you spoiled your own day by focusing on this instead of on your freedom to be gracious.

knottie7d6129cc92a62680 · August 2018

i think you don't have to freak out too. because all she told is one person and it's up to the crowds at your wedding whether they're willing to take the bait and talks about her rather than paying more attention to your wedding. and also, i don't it was right to unallow her to bring her significant other.

MyNameIsNot · August 2018

It sounds like you enjoy trash talking and judging this woman. That speaks more about you than about her.

It was petty and small of you to exclude her s/o (not to mention rude). She didn't announce her pregnancy, she told one cousin. That cousin chose to share with other people. There is nothing wrong with sharing family news at a wedding!

This woman didn't do anything wrong. My advice? Go look in a mirror and ask yourself why you find so much joy in putting this cousin down.

MRDCle · August 2018

At my cousins wedding a few weeks ago, my grandma and aunt kept asking why I was drinking water vs. the free top shelf liquor, and why I switched entrees with my husband, and why I wasn't feeling well. DH "announced" our pregnancy to them (by taking them aside and mentioning it), a cousin overheard, and by the end of the night, basically my entire extended family knew. Guess what - they were all happy! It took NOTHING away from my cousin and TBH, he seemed like one of the happiest people about it. Probably because we don't have a contentious relationship and therefore each move one of us makes isn't perceived as an attack.

banana468 · August 2018

Knottieab69122333af8778 said:

My husband and I don't get along with his cousin. She is always trying to steal other peoples thunder. Two years ago she was married and showed up to my brother and sister in law wedding with a strange man. When asked where her husband was she told everyone he was on business and denied having any marital issues. When people asked if she was getting a divorce she freaked out on them and told them it wasn't their business including her aunt (myMIL). The stories of her craziness are endless. We chose to not allow her to bring a plus one to our wedding bc of her tendency to cause drama.She is apparently dating a guy that she was cheating on her ex husband with. She finally got divorced and admitted to evwryone. The guy she is dating is not the one she brought to the previous weddimg. In the past two years she hasn't introduced him to any family or brought him to any parties.They are both actively on social media but do not have any pics of each other in the two years dating. So I feel it's a fling and didnt want the entire family meeting him at my wedding. I thought not allowing her a plus one would prevent her making a scene. Well I was wrong. at my wedding she told another cousin that she was pregnant and told the cousin to spread the news after she left. She left right after dinner was served and within minutes it's all a home could talk about. Am I crazy for being upset she pretty much announced her pregnancy at my weddimg? She apparently knew fora few weeks and didn't tell anyone at a birthday party a week prior to my wedding. I feel like she purposely waited for my wedding!

Let me get this straight: You knew this cousin was in an active relationship but you took it upon YOURSELF to be the arbiter on the status of her relationship (rather than say, one of the two people in it). Then when she attended your wedding, she mentioned to ONE cousin that she was expecting a child, left immediately after the meal was served limiting her attendance and time to be in the ROOM forget the center of attention and you want to know if you're crazy for being upset? In a word: YES.

I'm thinking that there's nothing that this cousin can do OK in your eyes.

You were in the wrong to not invite the SO.

Plenty of people do not announce a pregnancy until they are in the 2nd trimester. I waited as long as I could outside of immediate family. When someone announces is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

People are going to talk about their private lives at a wedding. That it's a celebration of two people does not mean that the conversation is only about those two. People will share the details of their private lives when they're at big events.

To presume that life is on hold at a wedding is pretty silly. I attended an engagement party the day after DH proposed. We walked into the party BEAMING. Now DH cleared it with the couple so they knew what was up beforehand, I didn't walk in thinking that the party was for me but LIFE HAPPENS. We didn't stop plans because of other parties going on either.

I think the best thing for you to do now is:
-Apologize to the cousin for your oversight on the guest list and congratulate her on her pregnancy.

climbingsingle · August 2018

Wow, the judgement you have passed along on this woman is palpable. You should take a long, hard look in the mirror. How awful that you knew she was in a relationship and didn't invite her SO to your wedding! You were very much in the wrong to do so. It's not up to you to judge how serious her relationship is!! You determined it was a fling, based on social media!?!??! Do you realize how insane this sounds?

She told one person at your wedding. You obviously didn't hear the conversation - maybe she told that one person not to say anything.

Get over it, move on, and maybe do some self reflecting to find out why you think it's OK for you to judge someone so harshly and treat them so rudely.

ShesSoCold · August 2018

Yes, OP, I'm certain this woman got pregnant JUST in time for your wedding and just to piss you off.

You are CLEARLY grasping at straws here for reasons to hate this woman. I get it, I do the same shit with people I don't like. However, you're completely irrational and in the wrong here.

Just read the wording of your post. YOU didn't want to allow her boyfriend to attend the wedding. YOU didn't want the family to meet him. YOU decided it was a fling (the fuck?). She left after dinner (probably because, oh, I don't know, you didn't invite her boyfriend [and presumably father of her child] and took a big ol' shit right there on her relationship while asked her to celebrate yours) and somehow you're the victim here? C'mon.

I'm very interested in her side of this and her impression of you.

And FWIW, my husband and I had been married probably two years (together for NINE) before I had a picture of us together on my facebook. Clearly he and I are just a fling. Facebook posts does not a relationship make. Seriously, are you 12? This is just so fucking middle school to me.

Grow up, stop looking for reasons to shit on this woman and move on with your life. Geese!!

levioosa · August 2018

The drama is strong with someone in the family, but it isn’t the cousin.

Ro041 · August 2018

I didn't know my marriage wasn't real because I don't post pics with my husband on social media. Good to know.

ei34 · August 2018

Edit your discussion title, she didn’t announce her pregnancy at your wedding.
And you guys owe her a huge apology for not including her SO. Not honoring someone’s relationship on a day when lots of people have made an effort to celebrate yours is hypocritical and gross.

ahoywedding · August 2018

MRDCle said:

At my cousins wedding a few weeks ago, my grandma and aunt kept asking why I was drinking water vs. the free top shelf liquor, and why I switched entrees with my husband, and why I wasn't feeling well. DH "announced" our pregnancy to them (by taking them aside and mentioning it), a cousin overheard, and by the end of the night, basically my entire extended family knew. Guess what - they were all happy! It took NOTHING away from my cousin and TBH, he seemed like one of the happiest people about it. Probably because we don't have a contentious relationship and therefore each move one of us makes isn't perceived as an attack.

This. I was at a wedding shower a few weeks ago and noticed a friend wasn't drinking. I jokingly asked her if she was pregnant, and she just winked. Another friend saw the exchange and mouthed "pregnant?" Our pregnant friend asked us to keep quiet at the shower so to not take focus off the bride. But she hadn't planned on announcing then. Is that still rude? How do you know your H's cousin planned for word to get out at your wedding? People pick up on things. People ask questions. The cat may have been let out of the bag before she planned, and maybe she just couldn't hide the pregnancy in public any longer.

And, like someone said above: the focus was already on you at your own wedding, but it's ludicrous to think you guests will sit around for a number of hours just only talking about you & your H. Other topics of conversation will come up, people will catch up, and maybe exciting news may be shared with family who don't see each other often.

Ro041 · August 2018

I think we all know Cousin is her BEC. Nothing she does is ever going to be right. She didn't throw a fit when her SO was excluded from the wedding. She didn't act "crazy" or make one of her famous "scenes" at the wedding. She politely attended and left after dinner (which, people are allowed to do. She attended the most important part - the actual wedding). She quietly told one person she was pregnant before she left and (maybe) asked cousin to spread the word. Maybe she left early and asked cousin to spread the word because she knows how judgmental everyone in the family is after she got grilled for bringing a date to the last wedding. Maybe she just couldn't do it anymore. So, she politely sat through the wedding and dinner after being slighted by you and you still find a reason to fault her behavior??? Definitely BEC....

ShesSoCold · August 2018

ahoywedding said:

MRDCle said:

At my cousins wedding a few weeks ago, my grandma and aunt kept asking why I was drinking water vs. the free top shelf liquor, and why I switched entrees with my husband, and why I wasn't feeling well. DH "announced" our pregnancy to them (by taking them aside and mentioning it), a cousin overheard, and by the end of the night, basically my entire extended family knew. Guess what - they were all happy! It took NOTHING away from my cousin and TBH, he seemed like one of the happiest people about it. Probably because we don't have a contentious relationship and therefore each move one of us makes isn't perceived as an attack.

This. I was at a wedding shower a few weeks ago and noticed a friend wasn't drinking. I jokingly asked her if she was pregnant, and she just winked. Another friend saw the exchange and mouthed "pregnant?" Our pregnant friend asked us to keep quiet at the shower so to not take focus off the bride. But she hadn't planned on announcing then. Is that still rude? How do you know your H's cousin planned for word to get out at your wedding? People pick up on things. People ask questions. The cat may have been let out of the bag before she planned, and maybe she just couldn't hide the pregnancy in public any longer.

And, like someone said above: the focus was already on you at your own wedding, but it's ludicrous to think you guests will sit around for a number of hours just only talking about you & your H. Other topics of conversation will come up, people will catch up, and maybe exciting news may be shared with family who don't see each other often.

Exactly. I bet most, if not all, of us here have some sort of first hand anecdote that is similar.

I got engaged the week before my SIL's wedding shower and two weeks before my cousin's wedding. Yeah, we talked about it. My brother's best friend's wife was due with her second the day of his wedding. She was there and everyone was asking her about the baby. The focus of conversation at my own wedding was my mom's cancer diagnosis the previous month. That bitch! How DARE she?! At H's best friend's wedding, the bride's brother had just gotten his Master's.

Your wedding is not, and will never be, the most important thing happening in other's lives.

ETA - I didn't attend this wedding, but at a friend of mine's best friend's wedding - someone proposed to his girlfriend! The grooms were totally on board and helped plan it.

ETA #2 - I am also going to a wedding next weekend with a man who is not my husband. We're not divorcing, we're not having issues, my friend invited me as his guest. NBD.

charlotte989875 · August 2018

I thought you were going to say she took the mic from the DJ and announced it to the entire reception. That I’d be salty about, but this? Let it go.

MesmrEwe · August 2018

Technically my second pregnancy was announced at DH's cousin's wedding, and at that point I was ~26 weeks (hadn't announced)... Because I was suppose to make the wedding cake and ended up in the hospital about to croak from a complication (SYN!)... I felt absolutely positively HORRIBLE not because of being in the hospital (I was 50/50 at that point), but because I failed at making her dream wedding cake! And yes, I was sitting in triage more concerned about arranging someone else to make her wedding cake for her at my expense (it was their wedding gift from us!) on insanely short notice than I was concerned about whether I'd live or die... We also tried to say "please keep the pregnancy quiet/between us" but the FOB announced it anyway..

When people announce a pregnancy is their business, it's not stealing your thunder. Some tell people within minutes of getting a positive test and others wait until their first doctor's appointment, others who have experienced mc/loss wait until longer, and my reason was we had family business drama that I didn't want a pregnancy clouding people's rational decision making (We were in the midst of the sale of the family business).. But for many, it's when they first see other people/holiday. Yes, it sucks that it may have felt like stealing your thunder, OTOH, it's not worth holding on to and allowing this to stain your wedding day and life going forward.

The PP have covered the whole "and guest" part, she's not in the previous relationship, that's over, treat it as such. She has moved on, do so too! It only is taking your energy away to dwell on this from what should instead be the great things that happened the day of your wedding and the days since!

holyguacamole79 · August 2018

I had a friend reveal that she was pregnant at my wedding (unplanned). She was nauseous and not drinking alcohol, so friends figured it out and she couldn't deny it. I found out the next day and was / am thrilled.

5 years later, my husband & I are still blissfully married.

MairePoppy · September 2018

I think I have figured out why you don't get along with your husband's cousin.

lovesclimbing · October 2018

In case OP comes back or for lurkers. I don't know if you care about the British royals at all, but even if you live under a rock, you've probably heard that Harry and Meghan are having a baby. And it's been noted in a bunch of the coverage that they shared the news with family at his cousin Eugenie's wedding prior to the public announcement. Even they do it. It's not a big deal.

Announcing pregnancy at wedding

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