• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Wedding 911

Ghosted Bridesmaid?

I'm truly at a loss as to what to do right now. My wedding is in three weeks and I haven't heard from one of my Bridesmaids for a week and a half.

Here's the full rundown:

I got engaged in May 2017 and had asked all five of my closest girls to be in my Bridal Party by that July. All of them were thrilled and excited and everyone got along so well, despite each of them coming from a different part of my life (school friend, reenacting friend, drum corps friend, sports friend, and future sister-in-law). Everyone came out to the dress shopping days we all agreed on and they all planned my Bridal Shower together.

There was a little bit of a SNAFU the week before my Bachelorette Weekend at the beginning of the month and we ended up having to change locations to a different beach and I fronted the hotel bill since it was so last minute. I told the girls it was no big deal about the cost and just to pay me back when they could or piecemeal for their share, which they all agreed was just fine.

As my MOH and I arrived at the hotel, we received a Facebook message from the one Bridesmaid saying there was a family emergency and that she couldn't make it, but she would still chip in her portion. We said it was absolutely no problem and that we hoped everything was okay.

That was the last any of us heard from her.

A couple of days after we got home, I sent her a Facebook message saying that we all missed her and asking if everything was okay. No response. A couple of days later, I texted her asking if she was okay, thinking maybe she just wasn't on Facebook. Still no response. I let a week go by, giving her some space that maybe she needed. I sent another text to her this week asking her to please, please let me know if everything is okay and saying that I'm now concerned that no one has heard from her after saying there was a family emergency and to please just say something. Again, nothing. I called her. No answer. I went back to my Facebook messenger and saw that she was active on it and is still consistently active on it, but she isn't responding to any of my messages, nor my MOH, who has also now reached out to her.

I have now called her work to see if she has even been showing up, and they said she has been there and was there last night for her shift. So I at least know this way that she, herself, is okay.

She hasn't sent me her RSVP, which I had always obviously assumed was a yes, but I don't know if she's bringing a +1, nor do I have her meal option, and she hasn't even told me if she's interested in joining the rest of us in splitting the hair stylist. My wedding is in three weeks. I have to turn all this information in and I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is something serious with her family, or if she just doesn't have the money, or any other reason in the universe. All I'm asking from her is to just respond to me so that we can talk about whatever it is that's going on. We had always called each other sisters when we spent four summers together. We were inseparable. She even road tripped up to Boston to see me when I moved one year, a good eight hours away from where we lived. But now this.

I don't know if I'm overreacting or being selfish. And maybe I am. But in the next breath, it's not like my wedding is in a year, or six months, or even two months. It's in three weeks. I don't even know if it's enough time to find someone else to fill her spot, to purchase the dress and get it fitted, not to mention the exorbitant rush fees, which I would probably pay for just because of the situation I'm putting another girl in. And what if I do go and replace her and purchase the non-returnable dress and then she shows back up apologizing for it all? Do I eat the hundreds of dollars I just spent or make her eat the hundreds of dollars she spent? I have been sick to my stomach over this, breaking down at work and having to hide in empty offices so no one can see me.

Please, anyone help me!

Re: Ghosted Bridesmaid?

  • Well regardless what happens with your friend, do not replace her in your bridal party.  That is super tacky and rude to both your original friend and the girl you would ask to "replace" her.  Sides don't need to be even and if they are not, literally no one will notice. 

    You're friend had a family emergency and has been MIA for 1 week - I know for sure I wouldn't be worried about my wedding, I'd be worried about my friend and seeing what I could do to help her.  I think she has much bigger things on her mind than your wedding.  I would plan on her attending and bringing a +1.  If she is able to come - you're set.   

    ahoyweddingcharlotte989875InLoveInQueensSTARMOON44
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I'm truly at a loss as to what to do right now. My wedding is in three weeks and I haven't heard from one of my Bridesmaids for a week and a half.

    Here's the full rundown:

    I got engaged in May 2017 and had asked all five of my closest girls to be in my Bridal Party by that July. All of them were thrilled and excited and everyone got along so well, despite each of them coming from a different part of my life (school friend, reenacting friend, drum corps friend, sports friend, and future sister-in-law). Everyone came out to the dress shopping days we all agreed on and they all planned my Bridal Shower together.

    There was a little bit of a SNAFU the week before my Bachelorette Weekend at the beginning of the month and we ended up having to change locations to a different beach and I fronted the hotel bill since it was so last minute. I told the girls it was no big deal about the cost and just to pay me back when they could or piecemeal for their share, which they all agreed was just fine.

    As my MOH and I arrived at the hotel, we received a Facebook message from the one Bridesmaid saying there was a family emergency and that she couldn't make it, but she would still chip in her portion. We said it was absolutely no problem and that we hoped everything was okay.

    That was the last any of us heard from her.

    A couple of days after we got home, I sent her a Facebook message saying that we all missed her and asking if everything was okay. No response. A couple of days later, I texted her asking if she was okay, thinking maybe she just wasn't on Facebook. Still no response. I let a week go by, giving her some space that maybe she needed. I sent another text to her this week asking her to please, please let me know if everything is okay and saying that I'm now concerned that no one has heard from her after saying there was a family emergency and to please just say something. Again, nothing. I called her. No answer. I went back to my Facebook messenger and saw that she was active on it and is still consistently active on it, but she isn't responding to any of my messages, nor my MOH, who has also now reached out to her.

    I have now called her work to see if she has even been showing up, and they said she has been there and was there last night for her shift. So I at least know this way that she, herself, is okay.

    She hasn't sent me her RSVP, which I had always obviously assumed was a yes, but I don't know if she's bringing a +1, nor do I have her meal option, and she hasn't even told me if she's interested in joining the rest of us in splitting the hair stylist. My wedding is in three weeks. I have to turn all this information in and I don't know what to do. I don't know if this is something serious with her family, or if she just doesn't have the money, or any other reason in the universe. All I'm asking from her is to just respond to me so that we can talk about whatever it is that's going on. We had always called each other sisters when we spent four summers together. We were inseparable. She even road tripped up to Boston to see me when I moved one year, a good eight hours away from where we lived. But now this.

    I don't know if I'm overreacting or being selfish. And maybe I am. But in the next breath, it's not like my wedding is in a year, or six months, or even two months. It's in three weeks. I don't even know if it's enough time to find someone else to fill her spot, to purchase the dress and get it fitted, not to mention the exorbitant rush fees, which I would probably pay for just because of the situation I'm putting another girl in. And what if I do go and replace her and purchase the non-returnable dress and then she shows back up apologizing for it all? Do I eat the hundreds of dollars I just spent or make her eat the hundreds of dollars she spent? I have been sick to my stomach over this, breaking down at work and having to hide in empty offices so no one can see me.

    Please, anyone help me!
    If your immediate thought is to replace her and what that cost would be to you, then yes, you are being incredibly selfish.

    You do not “kick her out.” You can call or text again and tell her that you are concerned and just want to know she is okay. Do not mention your wedding. Presumably you knew her well enough to be a BM, so you should know if she’s vegetarian or not. Just choose a plate and you can perhaps change it a week before when the hard count is due. The only thing she has to do is show up on time, sober, and in the correct attire.  Do not throw your friendship away over $300. As someone who has had several huge family emergencies over my lifetime, I can tell you that a wedding would pretty much be on the back burner while the rest of life is falling apart. That doesn’t make her selfish or a bad friend. Go have a margarita and reach out to her as a friend. 


    image
    Casadenacharlotte989875InLoveInQueens
  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited August 15
    So your bachelorette and her family emergency were just a couple weeks ago? (Just making sure I have the timeline right). That's really not a ton of time, depending on what the emergency was. I've had a few things happen recently where it's taken all I had to go to work (because bills), and I've ignored texts/emails/FB messages for a couple weeks. Unfortunately, the timing of this isn't great for you.

    The good news is that your wedding will still go on with or without her. Just don't replace her! That's rude to both this friend and whoever you ask to step in at the last minute. If you don't hear from her by the wedding date, set a place for her and her guest. I'd plan for her to partake in any day-of activities and just eat the cost if she doesn't show, because that's less awkward than her showing up and having nothing for her. In the meantime, I'd send her an email or text (whatever she's likely to reply to) and let her know you're here for her, don't worry stress about your wedding, and offer to bring her dinner or walk her dog or something. 
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensOliveOilsMomshort+sassy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Don't replace her. Just reach out to her to let her know you're thinking about her at this time and ask if there is anything you can do to help her through this time. Don't mention your wedding or anything that's not related to what she's dealing with and don't reprimand her for not being in touch.
    short+sassy
  • Is the money or the friendship more important?  

    If she shows up on your wedding day, she's in the wedding, if not, you have your answer...
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Do not replace her in the wedding party. Your bridesmaids are your closest friends/family; don't treat them like employees who need to be replaced when one leaves.

    Anyway, a week and a half may seem like a long time, but it's really not, especially when someone has just been dealing with a crisis. Give her a couple more days then reach out again, and let her know that you just want to make sure she's doing okay and that you're concerned about her. Do not mention the wedding and especially do not mention the money she owes (yes, you may have to eat that cost, sorry). There's really nothing to discuss with her about the wedding at this point anyway; either she shows up that day or she doesn't. 

    Keep trying every so often until you're able to talk to her, but don't bombard her and don't pry if she's not ready to talk about whatever the emergency was. Even if you aren't able to get in touch with her, assume she's coming to the wedding until you're told otherwise and plan accordingly. If she doesn't show up, then I think it would be fair to push harder to talk to her and find out what's going on and express concern about her and about your friendship. But cross that bridge when and if you come to it. For now, try to be supportive and leave your wedding out of the conversation. 


    image
    charlotte989875InLoveInQueensMairePoppySTARMOON44
  • Anyone else hoping for an update???
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    downtondivasparklepants41
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    MesmrEwe said:
    Anyone else hoping for an update???
    yaaas, Knottie please come back and let us know if she showed?

    charlotte989875
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I always wish for updates on posts like this. Remember the poster that literally couldn't stand her SIL?

    MesmrEwecharlotte989875
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards