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Wedding Woes

She's not all there, so there's no need to hurt him.

Dear Prudence,

My mom was recently diagnosed with cancer that has moved to her brain. This has significantly changed her personality. I was recently planning a visit to see her (she lives several hours away) and she forcefully told me not to bring my husband, that she can’t stand him and he exhausts her. This is causing me extreme anxiety. How do I explain to my husband, who loves my mother, that she doesn’t want him around? He has been very accommodating with my visits, but if I tell him that she doesn’t want him around at all, it will hurt his feelings tremendously. He understands logically that she isn’t completely herself right now, but it is still hurtful.

—Cancer Changing Her Personality

Re: She's not all there, so there's no need to hurt him.

  • This is not LW's mom.   This isn't "in vino veritas" this is a disease wrecking the the brain and the words Mom is saying aren't hers.

    LW needs to take some deep breaths, talk to her mom's caregivers and then remind her spouse that this has nothing to do with him.    Sure it's hurtful but they have to acknowledge that these thoughts are truly not valid and allow themselves to grieve over the process they are in. 
    charlotte989875OliveOilsMomshort+sassy
  • Take the trip with your husband, but tell him right now the only person your mom wants to see is you. You don’t need to share the details of what she has said, but you’re probably going to need his support so don’t try and go it alone. 
    OliveOilsMomshort+sassyShesSoColdeileenrob
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I agree with Charlotte.  The H can go on the trip, but perhaps limit or don't interact with MIL at all.  LW will need the support her H can offer.

    Leviosa - That is so sad.

    And Fuck Cancer.

    short+sassycharlotte989875
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Oh man, that is heartbreaking. My mom and my H are close and I'm imagining how hurt my H would be. 

  • Also, the LW may want to start to talk to the caregivers to understand what may happen in the future.

    My uncle died 3 years ago from glioblastoma (same cancer that just claimed Senator McCain).   He started to exhibit some of the same issues to my mom and it just didn't sink in to my dad that this wasn't my uncle.   It's the cancer.   It was only after I told my dad pretty bluntly that if he said anything to a dying man then I'd call HIM (Dad) the asshole that he at least stopped bringing it up. 
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