You asked, he said he'd think about it. So...?

mrsconn23 · September 2018

Dear Prudence,

My mom died four years ago at the age of 80. My dad was devastated. About two years ago, Dad met a woman who’d also lost a partner and they started dating. They’ve made each other very happy, and my siblings and I have all been glad to see him doing well. We don’t know “Molly” very well, but she seems lovely. Dad sold the family home six months ago and moved in with her. He also revised his will. He’s 88, and Molly is 83. She has two kids, owns her home, and lives comfortably. Dad shared that he’s leaving one-third of his $200,000 estate to Molly, with the remaining two-thirds to be divided between us three children. I suggested that dividing the estate evenly into four would perhaps be easier; he listened and said he’d think about it.

It’s an awkward topic, and I don’t want to be greedy, but I feel that his three kids should get an even share with her. I’m not sure if I should bring this up at an appropriate moment or get over it. My brother has had cancer in the last 18 months, my sister has worked incredibly hard to get to a good place after being a single mom for a long time, and I’m in the same boat. The reality is that a good portion of what Dad leaves Molly will go to her children. I’ve been feeling very hurt and undervalued since Dad told me this. What are your thoughts?

—Trying Not to Be Greedy

banana468 · September 2018

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My mom died four years ago at the age of 80. My dad was devastated. About two years ago, Dad met a woman who’d also lost a partner and they started dating. They’ve made each other very happy, and my siblings and I have all been glad to see him doing well. We don’t know “Molly” very well, but she seems lovely. Dad sold the family home six months ago and moved in with her. He also revised his will. He’s 88, and Molly is 83. She has two kids, owns her home, and lives comfortably. Dad shared that he’s leaving one-third of his $200,000 estate to Molly, with the remaining two-thirds to be divided between us three children. I suggested that dividing the estate evenly into four would perhaps be easier; he listened and said he’d think about it.
It’s an awkward topic, and I don’t want to be greedy, but I feel that his three kids should get an even share with her. I’m not sure if I should bring this up at an appropriate moment or get over it. My brother has had cancer in the last 18 months, my sister has worked incredibly hard to get to a good place after being a single mom for a long time, and I’m in the same boat. The reality is that a good portion of what Dad leaves Molly will go to her children. I’ve been feeling very hurt and undervalued since Dad told me this. What are your thoughts?
—Trying Not to Be Greedy

My thoughts:
-This isn't owed to you so shut up about it. It's Dad's money. Don't start planning on his cash when he's still alive. It makes you look really greedy.
-Don't count on a dime even if dad didn't have those finances. What else does Dad have to his name in financial assets. I hate to be a downer but should Dad's health deteriorate and dad need some kind of long term care either in home or in a nursing home, $200,000 just won't last long. It's going to be spent and then he'll go on Title 19.

ShesSoCold · September 2018

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My mom died four years ago at the age of 80. My dad was devastated. About two years ago, Dad met a woman who’d also lost a partner and they started dating. They’ve made each other very happy, and my siblings and I have all been glad to see him doing well. We don’t know “Molly” very well, but she seems lovely. Dad sold the family home six months ago and moved in with her. He also revised his will. He’s 88, and Molly is 83. She has two kids, owns her home, and lives comfortably. Dad shared that he’s leaving one-third of his $200,000 estate to Molly, with the remaining two-thirds to be divided between us three children. I suggested that dividing the estate evenly into four would perhaps be easier; he listened and said he’d think about it.
It’s an awkward topic, and I don’t want to be greedy, but I feel that his three kids should get an even share with her. I’m not sure if I should bring this up at an appropriate moment or get over it. My brother has had cancer in the last 18 months, my sister has worked incredibly hard to get to a good place after being a single mom for a long time, and I’m in the same boat. The reality is that a good portion of what Dad leaves Molly will go to her children. I’ve been feeling very hurt and undervalued since Dad told me this. What are your thoughts?
—Trying Not to Be Greedy

Well, honey, you are not succeeding.

I know she didn't specifically mention life insurance but the purpose of life insurance is so that people with INSURABLE INTEREST will receive a benefit upon the death of the insured. Molly has insurable interest, assuming he contributes to the household. His kids don't, they just want some money. Plus, given that he's giving her more and he lives with her, I am assuming she will be responsible for his funeral and burial arrangements, which can be extremely expensive. If that's the case, Molly will probably end up with less than the kids get!

Find something else to worry about, LW.

banana468 · September 2018

ShesSoCold said:

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My mom died four years ago at the age of 80. My dad was devastated. About two years ago, Dad met a woman who’d also lost a partner and they started dating. They’ve made each other very happy, and my siblings and I have all been glad to see him doing well. We don’t know “Molly” very well, but she seems lovely. Dad sold the family home six months ago and moved in with her. He also revised his will. He’s 88, and Molly is 83. She has two kids, owns her home, and lives comfortably. Dad shared that he’s leaving one-third of his $200,000 estate to Molly, with the remaining two-thirds to be divided between us three children. I suggested that dividing the estate evenly into four would perhaps be easier; he listened and said he’d think about it.
It’s an awkward topic, and I don’t want to be greedy, but I feel that his three kids should get an even share with her. I’m not sure if I should bring this up at an appropriate moment or get over it. My brother has had cancer in the last 18 months, my sister has worked incredibly hard to get to a good place after being a single mom for a long time, and I’m in the same boat. The reality is that a good portion of what Dad leaves Molly will go to her children. I’ve been feeling very hurt and undervalued since Dad told me this. What are your thoughts?
—Trying Not to Be Greedy

Well, honey, you are not succeeding.

I know she didn't specifically mention life insurance but the purpose of life insurance is so that people with INSURABLE INTEREST will receive a benefit upon the death of the insured. Molly has insurable interest, assuming he contributes to the household. His kids don't, they just want some money. Plus, given that he's giving her more and he lives with her, I am assuming she will be responsible for his funeral and burial arrangements, which can be extremely expensive. If that's the case, Molly will probably end up with less than the kids get!

Find something else to worry about, LW.

Also a good point. He's a member of the household so it makes sense that he's contributing to it.

charlotte989875 · September 2018

Are he and Molly married? If not I wouldn’t be so quick to assume she’s going to be handling end of life expenses. I think that should be made clear as well.

But seriously NOTHING is owed to you or your siblings and this is just gross telling him that when he dies he needs to give you more money.

banana468 · September 2018

charlotte989875 said:

Are he and Molly married? If not I wouldn’t be so quick to assume she’s going to be handling end of life expenses. I think that should be made clear as well.

But seriously NOTHING is owed to you or your siblings and this is just gross telling him that when he dies he needs to give you more money.

The only thing I WOULD push is that Dad has a will and that he defines who has power of attorney. It needs to be done when dad is of sound mind and that's the only thing that I would caution to be done to ensure that he IS taken care of. That said, I don't know that LW is the one who should have it.

Casadena · September 2018

I think part of this depends too on what has been discussed previously. Not that it is binding or that LW is entitled to anything necessarily - but I could definitely see how if previous discussions with her parents while mom was still alive indicated that the estate would be split evenly between siblings, and now that has changed, how LW would want to bring it up. Again, I want to stress that I agree she is not necessarily entitled to anything, but could have questions/concerns based on previously discussed expectations. I say this because mine and H's are very open and transparent about their intentions with estates (unprompted by us). I would absolutely be a little upset if plans we'd been in the loop on since we were 25 had changed. I need more information to decide if she's being greedy, because I think a lot of this depends on what was previously discussed, if anything.

ShesSoCold · September 2018

charlotte989875 said:

Are he and Molly married? If not I wouldn’t be so quick to assume she’s going to be handling end of life expenses. I think that should be made clear as well.

But seriously NOTHING is owed to you or your siblings and this is just gross telling him that when he dies he needs to give you more money.

Yeah you're probably right, probably a big jump. But that's also something he/they have hopefully discussed. The last thing Molly will need is an argument over her deceased boyfriend's funeral payments.

Molly will also likely be responsible for doing all the little things like selling his car, disposing of his stuff, cancelling his insurance, stuff like that since she lives with him. And, depending on his health, she is/would probably be the one paying for medical supplies and needs now. This stuff adds up.

Also, I'm surprised that LW hasn't though of this the other way around - will SHE end up with a portion of Molly's estate should Molly pass first?

short+sassy · September 2018

Although I agree with all the PP points about "who knows" what's going to happen to Dad over the rest of his lifetime and it's his money to do with what he wishes, to be fair, I understand where the LW is coming from also.

The LW doesn't want to see a situation where Dad predeceases Molly. Molly gets 33% of the estate. Then Molly passes away a short time later. And Molly's kids get a big chunk of money that the LW's parents had worked their whole lives for.

I also get the impression that, if Molly inherits 1/3 of the estate, and then lives for a long time after that and uses up all/most of the money...the LW is fine with that.

Going a bit off topic, I'm actually trying to figure out a similar situation for my own estate. In a nutshell, my H came into our marriage with no assets. Nor has he had any income throughout the duration of our marriage. I came in with assets and I've grown my assets. If I predecease him, I want him to inherit everything. But once he passes, I want the bulk of his estate...which essentially was mine first...to be passed to MY family. Not a potential new wife. Not his daughters (whom he isn't close to and I've never met).

FWIW, my H is 100% on board with that, at this time. But I know I need to stop procrastinating and see an attorney about drawing up a will, so my wishes have legal backing and are carried out correctly.

MyNameIsNot · September 2018

short+sassy said:

Although I agree with all the PP points about "who knows" what's going to happen to Dad over the rest of his lifetime and it's his money to do with what he wishes, to be fair, I understand where the LW is coming from also.
The LW doesn't want to see a situation where Dad predeceases Molly. Molly gets 33% of the estate. Then Molly passes away a short time later. And Molly's kids get a big chunk of money that the LW's parents had worked their whole lives for.
I also get the impression that, if Molly inherits 1/3 of the estate, and then lives for a long time after that and uses up all/most of the money...the LW is fine with that.
Going a bit off topic, I'm actually trying to figure out a similar situation for my own estate. In a nutshell, my H came into our marriage with no assets. Nor has he had any income throughout the duration of our marriage. I came in with assets and I've grown my assets. If I predecease him, I want him to inherit everything. But once he passes, I want the bulk of his estate...which essentially was mine first...to be passed to MY family. Not a potential new wife. Not his daughters (whom he isn't close to and I've never met).
FWIW, my H is 100% on board with that, at this time. But I know I need to stop procrastinating and see an attorney about drawing up a will, so my wishes have legal backing and are carried out correctly.

Kind of off topic, but there's an old school thing with property called life estate that does just this. Spouse owns the house for the duration of their life, then it reverts to whomever the dead spouse designated in the will.

But that's super old school. I think everyone uses trusts to do this now.

You asked, he said he'd think about it. So...?

Re: You asked, he said he'd think about it. So...?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards