Wedding Woes

Therapy, yo.

Dear Prudence,

I’m a queer woman in her mid-30s married to a guy, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve been, to varying degrees, gender dysphoric. I’ve gone from being a kid who refused to be called a girl to an adult who has learned to role-play femininity but still very rarely feels it. I grew up with a mother who believed that displays of femininity (and emotions in general) were signs of weakness and should be crushed—crying over emotional things was met with derision; crushes were dismissed as “stupid hormones”; acting “like a girl” was an insult. However, I now work in a male-dominated industry and am often the only woman in a room, meaning I spend a lot of time being a feminist voice raised against a sea of middle-aged men. My issue is that I often don’t know how much of what feels like gender dysphoria—being uncomfortable in my female skin, compulsively wearing painfully tight sports bras to flatten my breasts, weightlifting to give myself a more powerful physique, etc.—is actually dysphoria, and how much is just internalized misogyny. Am I uncomfortable feeling like a woman because that’s how I’m wired? Or am I uncomfortable because society has done such a good job from day one of convincing me that female is the worst thing a human can be? How do you even sort that out?

—Gender Dysphoria, or Just Hating My Gender?

Re: Therapy, yo.

  • mrsconn23 said:
    Dear Prudence,

    I’m a queer woman in her mid-30s married to a guy, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve been, to varying degrees, gender dysphoric. I’ve gone from being a kid who refused to be called a girl to an adult who has learned to role-play femininity but still very rarely feels it. I grew up with a mother who believed that displays of femininity (and emotions in general) were signs of weakness and should be crushed—crying over emotional things was met with derision; crushes were dismissed as “stupid hormones”; acting “like a girl” was an insult. However, I now work in a male-dominated industry and am often the only woman in a room, meaning I spend a lot of time being a feminist voice raised against a sea of middle-aged men. My issue is that I often don’t know how much of what feels like gender dysphoria—being uncomfortable in my female skin, compulsively wearing painfully tight sports bras to flatten my breasts, weightlifting to give myself a more powerful physique, etc.—is actually dysphoria, and how much is just internalized misogyny. Am I uncomfortable feeling like a woman because that’s how I’m wired? Or am I uncomfortable because society has done such a good job from day one of convincing me that female is the worst thing a human can be? How do you even sort that out?

    —Gender Dysphoria, or Just Hating My Gender?
    Word.   Therapy.

    Also, LW needs to understand that just because she's the lone person in a room in a group does NOT mean that she needs to be the spokesperson for that group.  
  • mrsconn23 said:
    Dear Prudence,

    I’m a queer woman in her mid-30s married to a guy, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve been, to varying degrees, gender dysphoric. I’ve gone from being a kid who refused to be called a girl to an adult who has learned to role-play femininity but still very rarely feels it. I grew up with a mother who believed that displays of femininity (and emotions in general) were signs of weakness and should be crushed—crying over emotional things was met with derision; crushes were dismissed as “stupid hormones”; acting “like a girl” was an insult. However, I now work in a male-dominated industry and am often the only woman in a room, meaning I spend a lot of time being a feminist voice raised against a sea of middle-aged men. My issue is that I often don’t know how much of what feels like gender dysphoria—being uncomfortable in my female skin, compulsively wearing painfully tight sports bras to flatten my breasts, weightlifting to give myself a more powerful physique, etc.—is actually dysphoria, and how much is just internalized misogyny. Am I uncomfortable feeling like a woman because that’s how I’m wired? Or am I uncomfortable because society has done such a good job from day one of convincing me that female is the worst thing a human can be? How do you even sort that out?

    —Gender Dysphoria, or Just Hating My Gender?
    after reading the bolded, yeah, you need to talk to a therapist.

  • Yeah, therapy. 

    That's pretty much all I've got. I know it's SUPER different but I realized in my early 20's that I don't know where the line is between my anxiety and my actual thoughts, opinions, goals, etc. I didn't know if I actually didn't like something or if I was just afraid of it. Therapy and therapy and therapy have started to help me work through that a bit. I hope LW can find a good therapist, trained in this area who can help her.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited September 2018
    Yeah, therapy. 

    That's pretty much all I've got. I know it's SUPER different but I realized in my early 20's that I don't know where the line is between my anxiety and my actual thoughts, opinions, goals, etc. I didn't know if I actually didn't like something or if I was just afraid of it. Therapy and therapy and therapy have started to help me work through that a bit. I hope LW can find a good therapist, trained in this area who can help her.
    Yes I so agree with this. It’s hard to figure out! That’s what therapy is for!
  • The LW's mother sounds like a real piece of work.  Those are deeply rooted feelings of shame for normal human emotions/actions  that would have been planted before the LW was even out of toddlerhood.  I think anyone coming out of that environment could benefit from therapy sessions.  Definitely agree with the other PPs that the LW's problems cry out for help from a therapist who can help this person work out their feelings.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Therapy.
    Go.
    Now. 


    image
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards