Community› Wedding Discussion Boards› Wedding Woes
Wedding Woes
New Discussion

Is LW needy/petty or is the BF boorish? Or is it both?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

My boyfriend hates verbal affection, but I need it. When I’ve asked him about it before, he’s said that I should read more into his actions and that it doesn’t make sense that I would need the words since he acts like he loves me (and he does). We see each other all the time, he’s always willing to make time to see me, and he still encourages me to be better when I’m at my worst. But when it comes to “I love you,” either I say it first or I won’t hear it from him––and sometimes he’ll still say “thanks” or “hmm” or some vague compliment in response (we’ve been dating for 11 months now). It’s at the point where I want to not say “I love you” for a week just to prove to him that he won’t say it at all! It makes me feel like he doesn’t really love me; if he did, it would be no problem to say so. Is it fair for me to ask him to say it without being prompted?

—Those Three Little Words
Report Reply to Post

Re: Is LW needy/petty or is the BF boorish? Or is it both?

  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    It could be both.

    LW needs to talk to BF when emotions are not heightened to tell him what is and is not what SHE needs in the relationship.   

    And BF needs to listen.   

    And if this relationship is going to succeed (and frankly I don't think it will) then they BOTH need to hear each other out, talk, and adjust their behavior so there is a comfortable compromise for both of them. 

    Also, I have to wonder how old these people are. The fact that this is an issue at 11 months is telling me that they're either SO YOUNG or she needs to rip off that band aid and go to one of the other 3 men.
    Report Reply
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    banana468 said:

    Also, I have to wonder how old these people are. The fact that this is an issue at 11 months is telling me that they're either SO YOUNG or she needs to rip off that band aid and go to one of the other 3 men.
    Agreed.   I just feel like this is so fraught for a young relationship.  It's OK to not be right for each other even though you may like, or love, a person.  
    Report Reply
  • ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited September 2018
    Yeah I agree with PPs. 

    It's probably both - LW needs to understand that BF isn't this super verbal mushy guy, but BF should also understand that LW needs verbal affection and they should be willing to meet somewhere in the middle. 

    The Love Languages was the first thought I had too, Pam.

    Edited for typo.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
    Report Reply
  • STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    mrsconn23 said:
    banana468 said:

    Also, I have to wonder how old these people are. The fact that this is an issue at 11 months is telling me that they're either SO YOUNG or she needs to rip off that band aid and go to one of the other 3 men.
    Agreed.   I just feel like this is so fraught for a young relationship.  It's OK to not be right for each other even though you may like, or love, a person.  
    Yup. I need the words. So I don’t date people who won’t use them. 
    Report Reply
  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Sometimes love languages are not compatible. 

    But seriously who says “hmmm” after the person they are dating says I love you?!* I think this is a case of he’s just not that into you. 


    *assuming this has been said/communicated before. 
    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I agree it's a bit of both.  If they are both willing to compromise, I think it could be worked out.  She should understand that the verbal affection is not his thing and not expect him to say "I love you" (or similar) all the time.  But he also needs to understand it is HER thing and make an effort to do it more often

    But I don't think the BF is in a compromise place.  He knows he is not meeting one of his g/f's needs and seems to have told her that he isn't going to change.  She needs to decide if that is a deal breaker.  I think it should be.  This is the kind of thing that seems like it will fester and bother her more and more, the longer it goes on.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    short+sassy said:

    I agree it's a bit of both.  If they are both willing to compromise, I think it could be worked out.  She should understand that the verbal affection is not his thing and not expect him to say "I love you" (or similar) all the time.  But he also needs to understand it is HER thing and make an effort to do it more often

    But I don't think the BF is in a compromise place.  He knows he is not meeting one of his g/f's needs and seems to have told her that he isn't going to change.  She needs to decide if that is a deal breaker.  I think it should be.  This is the kind of thing that seems like it will fester and bother her more and more, the longer it goes on.

    This. 

    H is an “actions mean love” person where I actually need to hear the words, and not just when prompted by me. We both work on it. He says ILY more, I try and recognize all the stuff that he does for me (packs my lunch every day, stocks snacks when he goes out of town, etc). I try and do things I know he appreciates. We’re not always great at it but we are both always trying. 
    Report Reply
  • kerbohlkerbohl member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    I come from the other end - my love language is not words, but H needs that. Because I love him, I make sure to go out of my way to say things. I can't see this boyfriend, if he does love her, not wanting to make sure that he shows his gf in a way that she hears. I think it may indeed be a case where this relationship won't work out, because he is not willing to put in the little amount of effort of saying ILY more often.

    Report Reply
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    So now I want to share my sweet story, lol.  A couple weeks ago, I came home from work and my H gave me an extra big hug and said something like, "I've decided I'm not getting enough Jenny hugs."

    It wasn't a big discussion.  It wasn't even said like a complaint.  But I got the message :).  And now I'm making the effort to remember to give my H more hugs and snuggles throughout the day.  On the positive side, I'm an affectionate person like that anyway.  But do sometimes have so many things I'm doing and thinking about, that I'll get preoccupied.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    Report Reply
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited September 2018
    Dammit, I hate that I am so often saying, "I lived this", but it's true.  LW should just break it off now before she gets any deeper.  While love languages don't always line up, if you love someone and want to stay in love, you compromise and do things like this.  This isn't a moral compromise, this is showing affection and love for your partner, who needs it to feel loved.  And that need isn't wrong or invalid as long as it's not extreme.  

    The other issue is that is CAN become an extreme need when not fulfilled and when it does, there are long lasting consequences.  When K was gone every weekend in August and we were only seeing each other maybe 10 hours/week, I was feeling lonely.   Apparently "Varuna is lonely" comes with a goddamn train full of baggage now and it was causing a fairly serious issue until I realized what was happening and managed to separate out this relationship from my previous.  It will screw with your head, when you need some sort of affection and you're not getting it from the person who is supposed to be your main source.  If I had a friend telling me this at 11 months in, and they wanted my advice, it'd be leave, b/c it's not going to work out without them being miserable AF eventually.
    �
    Report Reply
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    These two people don't belong together. 
    Report Reply
  • knottieb87521fcf6a57e5bknottieb87521fcf6a57e5b member
    First Comment
    edited September 2018
    I disagree with PPs. My now fiance and I were the same way when we first started dating. His love language is time and attention whereas mine is words of affection. You two need to have a serious discussion about this issue and where these "desires" are coming from. Why do you need to have affirmation of his love if he obviously is showing you it in other ways? Why doesn't he say he loves you? etc. You might find that there is more to the story than what either of you is saying.  Every person is different, but simply ditching the relationship over something like this is a bit premature and childish. 
    Report Reply
  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    knottieb87521fcf6a57e5b said:
    I disagree with PPs. My now fiance and I were the same way when we first started dating. His love language is time and attention whereas mine is words of affection. You two need to have a serious discussion about this issue and where these "desires" are coming from. Why do you need to have affirmation of his love if he obviously is showing you it in other ways? Why doesn't he say he loves you? etc. You might find that there is more to the story than what either of you is saying. My finances stemmed from never seeing his ex due to long distance and mine stemmed from an abusive past relationship. Every person is different, but simply ditching the relationship over something like this is a bit premature and childish. 
    11 months in you had that discussion? 
    Report Reply
  • charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    knottieb87521fcf6a57e5b said:
    I disagree with PPs. My now fiance and I were the same way when we first started dating. His love language is time and attention whereas mine is words of affection. You two need to have a serious discussion about this issue and where these "desires" are coming from. Why do you need to have affirmation of his love if he obviously is showing you it in other ways? Why doesn't he say he loves you? etc. You might find that there is more to the story than what either of you is saying.  Every person is different, but simply ditching the relationship over something like this is a bit premature and childish. 
    Why should she be the one to change?
    Report Reply
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    banana468 said:
    knottieb87521fcf6a57e5b said:
    I disagree with PPs. My now fiance and I were the same way when we first started dating. His love language is time and attention whereas mine is words of affection. You two need to have a serious discussion about this issue and where these "desires" are coming from. Why do you need to have affirmation of his love if he obviously is showing you it in other ways? Why doesn't he say he loves you? etc. You might find that there is more to the story than what either of you is saying. My finances stemmed from never seeing his ex due to long distance and mine stemmed from an abusive past relationship. Every person is different, but simply ditching the relationship over something like this is a bit premature and childish. 
    11 months in you had that discussion? 
    To add to this, you had the conversation and your desires were ignored or glossed over by your FI, instead of him making an effort to make you happy or feel secure in your relationship? 
    Report Reply
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards