What a sad, sad mess.

mrsconn23 · October 2018

Dear Prudence,

My son died a month ago. His death wasn’t unexpected (although my husband and I are shattered). On his deathbed, he confessed to having a 5-year-old daughter. Her mother is married, and her husband believes he’s the father. He promised the mother he would stay away, and I think he might have taken the secret to his grave if he hadn’t been on drugs and frightened. My husband and I don’t know what to do with this information. We are friends with our alleged grandchild’s paternal grandparents, and we see her from time to time. I don’t know how to prepare for the next time I see her, knowing she is probably my son’s child. My husband wants to contact her mother and beg for visitation rights, but even in my grief I can tell this would erupt into a prolonged legal battle that might upend our granddaughter’s life. What do we do?

—Two Fathers

flantastic · October 2018

Nope nope nope.

I get that you want to have a relationship with your maybe-granddaughter. I feel for you.

But asking for that means that you probably blow up all her other relationships. So no. This would be 100% for you and 0% out of care and concern for her. Get counseling, work through it, learn to live with it, although it's awful that you have to do that.

banana468 · October 2018

How awfully sad.

My first thought is to give it time. This is a fresh fresh wound.

Then, if they are so insistent about seeing where this goes to consider talking to an attorney first.

But also understand that they need to be aware of what they're encountering. Do they really want to run the risk of turning a marriage upside down?

mrsconn23 · October 2018

Prudie's advice is to immediately get grief counseling. And I totally agree with them.

They have to get some perspective on this situation. While this supposed granddaughter *might* be a piece of their son, finding out the truth may lead to so much more pain and agony for several people, including this innocent, unwitting child. Also, I'm sorry...but if your son chose to walk away from his child (and probably for the best interest of said child), then you don't have a right to start upending lives because he died. I have a ton of empathy and sympathy for these people, but they should not use their grief as a tool of destruction.

ShesSoCold · October 2018

mrsconn23 said:

Prudie's advice is to immediately get grief counseling. And I totally agree with them.

They have to get some perspective on this situation. While this supposed granddaughter *might* be a piece of their son, finding out the truth may lead to so much more pain and agony for several people, including this innocent, unwitting child. Also, I'm sorry...but if your son chose to walk away from his child (and probably for the best interest of said child), then you don't have a right to start upending lives because he died. I have a ton of empathy and sympathy for these people, but they should not use their grief as a tool of destruction.

I agree SO MUCH with this.

Different perspective, but I have a similar family member. My dad has a son that he gave up his rights to and allowed another man to adopt when the baby was 2. No one in the family has seen him since and no one knows what he does and doesn't know about his paternity. As curious as I am to meet this guy who is my brother, we all think it's best to let the sleeping dog lie, and not to possibly upend this guy's entire life because I'm a little curious.

charlotte989875 · October 2018

This is heartbreaking, but LW needs to be careful and not act on their grief. Even if the death was expected, the grief is still so new. Grief counseling first then reassess.

I was going to say reach reach out to the woman and say “we know you and son were close and wanted you to know he has passed”. If and only if you can keep it to that you can contact. Under no circumstances should you say anything, ANYTHING, to anyone about visitation, access, paternity. No.

short+sassy · October 2018

charlotte989875 said:

This is heartbreaking, but LW needs to be careful and not act on their grief. Even if the death was expected, the grief is still so new. Grief counseling first then reassess.

I was going to say reach reach out to the woman and say “we know you and son were close and wanted you to know he has passed”. If and only if you can keep it to that you can contact. Under no circumstances should you say anything, ANYTHING, to anyone about visitation, access, paternity. No.

I really like this because it is getting in touch with the woman, without saying anything about the child. It opens the door if, at some point, the woman wants to talk to them about the son possibly being the father. However, they also need to understand that it is super, super unlikely this will ever happen.

I know the son wasn't trying to be cruel, but he was. He never should have told his parents this secret. Especially since he doesn't even know for sure that this child is his! And now they are being tortured over a "maybe".

As hard as it is, they HAVE to let this go. Do not blow up other people's lives, including a 5-year-old child, because they want to know if she's their grandchild.

And here is the harsh and largely pointless reality, if they do decide to stir up the bee's nest:

If they said something, what do they think is going to happen? The mother will deny it and the father might support her, but it could still cause friction in the marriage. NOBODY is going to consent for a DNA test for this child and the LW can't make them.

If by some off the wall chance, the mother confesses that the son might have been the father. The couple still might not consent for a DNA test. And if they do, the child might turn out to be the husband's anyway. And all of this turmoil was for nothing, other than the potential grandparents learning the truth.

If the child is their son's, then what? Maybe, maybe the mother allows them some time with the grandchild. But she doesn't have to and can change her mind at any time. I believe only a handful of states can order visitation rights for grandparents.

mrsconn23 · October 2018

short+sassy said:

charlotte989875 said:

This is heartbreaking, but LW needs to be careful and not act on their grief. Even if the death was expected, the grief is still so new. Grief counseling first then reassess.

I was going to say reach reach out to the woman and say “we know you and son were close and wanted you to know he has passed”. If and only if you can keep it to that you can contact. Under no circumstances should you say anything, ANYTHING, to anyone about visitation, access, paternity. No.

I really like this because it is getting in touch with the woman, without saying anything about the child.  It opens the door if, at some point, the woman wants to talk to them about the son possibly being the father. However, they also need to understand that it is super, super unlikely this will ever happen.
I know the son wasn't trying to be cruel, but he was. He never should have told his parents this secret. Especially since he doesn't even know for sure that this child is his!  And now they are being tortured over a "maybe".
As hard as it is, they HAVE to let this go. Do not blow up other people's lives, including a 5-year-old child, because they want to know if she's their grandchild.
And here is the harsh and largely pointless reality, if they do decide to stir up the bee's nest:
If they said something, what do they think is going to happen? The mother will deny it and the father might support her, but it could still cause friction in the marriage. NOBODY is going to consent for a DNA test for this child and the LW can't make them.
If by some off the wall chance, the mother confesses that the son might have been the father. The couple still might not consent for a DNA test. And if they do, the child might turn out to be the husband's anyway. And all of this turmoil was for nothing, other than the potential grandparents learning the truth.
If the child is their son's, then what? Maybe, maybe the mother allows them some time with the grandchild. But she doesn't have to and can change her mind at any time.  I believe only a handful of states can order visitation rights for grandparents.

The bolded is so true. He really put them in an impossible situation that has only intensified their grief and turmoil in the wake of his passing.

I was thinking about this over lunch. If they feel compelled to honor their son and their possible granddaughter in some way, they could set up a college fund for her now and give it to her. But that would take a lot of getting over everything else, because they would have to be disciplined enough to not attach strings or meddle in her paternity in any way. So it's not something that I think they should do now, but it's a thought for helping them in other stages of grief.

downtondiva · October 2018

I've known several people who have lost a child, and I think all of them would say it's the worst thing that's ever happened to them. In a time of such devastating grief, I can totally understand wanting to find a connection to your child still with you in the world.

That being said, what LW and her husband are thinking about doing has the potential to shatter people's lives. There are a few different ways approaching the child's mother could go, and most of them aren't going to end well and are likely just to worsen their grief while causing stress and emotional pain for others. Their heartbreak doesn't give them the right to break anyone else's lives apart.

LondonLisa · October 2018

I can't imagine anyone making an effort to include you in the girl's life after you blow up their world. Especially if you are coming in litigious.

At the end of the day, your son decided not to pursue this. He could have, but he didn't. He didn't even know if he was the father. You need to respect that. That means your claim stops there as well.

It is hard, and I am sure this is creating a lot of complicated feelings and double loss. But walk away. You would destroy this girl's life.

If you feel unsatisfied, there are plenty of underprivileged children in the world who would love "grandparents" who don't have any. Look up local charities/ mentorship programmes for young people/ Big Brothers and Big Sisters where you can volunteer.

short+sassy · October 2018

LondonLisa said:

I can't imagine anyone making an effort to include you in the girl's life after you blow up their world. Especially if you are coming in litigious.

At the end of the day, your son decided not to pursue this. He could have, but he didn't. He didn't even know if he was the father. You need to respect that. That means your claim stops there as well.

It is hard, and I am sure this is creating a lot of complicated feelings and double loss. But walk away. You would destroy this girl's life.

If you feel unsatisfied, there are plenty of underprivileged children in the world who would love "grandparents" who don't have any. Look up local charities/ mentorship programmes for young people/ Big Brothers and Big Sisters where you can volunteer.

For my own personal aside, these kinds of programs are sounding more and more appealing to me the closer to retirement and older I get.

Having my own children did not sound appealing to me at all, so I didn't. But being a grandma-like mentor someday sounds great. Does that mean I need to learn how to bake cookies, lol?

What a sad, sad mess.

Re: What a sad, sad mess.

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