My dude has no chill

mrsconn23 · October 2018

Dear Prudence,

My partner and I are both in our late 30s and have been together for a few years. I’m uncomfortable with the way he looks at attractive women when we’re together, and it makes me wonder just how overt he is when I’m not with him. He looks like a little boy on Christmas morning when a pretty girl walks by. But how do I gauge whether I’m just being sensitive and silly and expecting a man to not look at women he finds attractive? When I mention my discomfort, he points out that men tend to look at me too. But I feel like I go numb and pretend it isn’t happening when he smiles at other girls and they seem to be affected by him. It’s confusing because I feel like it falls under the “boys will be boys” way of thinking, and I’m tired of buying into that as an excuse for rude behavior in adult men.

—Just Looking

charlotte989875 · October 2018

Yeah that’s not an excuse.

You told him it makes you uncomfortable and he dismisses your feelings. Whether or not his behavior toward other women is okay, THAT is not.

But also, how often is this happening, how long is he starting, is he engaging/flirting with these women, while you are there? If that’s the case m, and he’s not willing to adjust his behavior I’d be looking for the door. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn’t make you feel good.

missJeanLouise · October 2018

Ditto Charlotte. Especially the last sentence.

banana468 · October 2018

I think that they're just not well suited for each other.

My husband's eyes aren't that bad but I couldn't tell you the last time I caught him ogling.

If you're not with someone who makes you feel like you're the most beautiful woman in the room you're not with the right person.

mrsconn23 · October 2018

DH and I have never had an issue with telling each other that we think someone (usually famous/unattainable) is attractive. He follows fitness models on IG and I follow the 'men and coffee' feed. He's had friends be amazed or think that I'm 'so cool' because I 'let' (heh wut?) him do those things.

But, I've never caught him actively staring at someone in public to the point where I'm like, "Um, what are you doing?" So no, I don't think LW is being sensitive. I think he's being a douchecanoe and dismissive of her feelings.

Also, women don't want to be stared at like that. It's fucking creepy.

So yeah, there's more than 4 men, LW.

levioosa · October 2018

I am sure FI has seen women he’s found attractive, but I have never ever seen him ogling someone. Because he’s not a douchecanoe. This guy sounds like an ass and also creepy. “Lights up like a kid on Christmas morning.” Ew.

OliveOilsMom · October 2018

This guy has got to go. I do wonder if LW has told her partner how she feels when she gets ogled in the same way by strange men. The partner said he notices other men, noticing her, so I hope she spoke up and said "Yes, I've noticed when it happens too. It makes me feel uncomfortable and I hate when it happens, so do many other women. So why do you think I should be ok with my partner doing it?"

ShesSoCold · October 2018

mrsconn23 said:

DH and I have never had an issue with telling each other that we think someone (usually famous/unattainable) is attractive. He follows fitness models on IG and I follow the 'men and coffee' feed. He's had friends be amazed or think that I'm 'so cool' because I 'let' (heh wut?) him do those things.

But, I've never caught him actively staring at someone in public to the point where I'm like, "Um, what are you doing?" So no, I don't think LW is being sensitive. I think he's being a douchecanoe and dismissive of her feelings.

Also, women don't want to be stared at like that. It's fucking creepy.

So yeah, there's more than 4 men, LW.

This.

It's one thing to find others attractive and it's ridiculous to pretend that one's partner is the ONLY attractive person on the planet to them. However, staring and ogling right in front of your partner is quite another and is just flat out disrespectful. Fuck that. And his response of, "Well guys look at you" just makes it worse because he doesn't get it. He doesn't get how icky women feel when we can feel eyes on us like that. You could do better, LW.

H used to tell his best friend ALL THE FUCKING TIME to SHUT HIS STUPID FACE. The three of us would be wherever and dude would CONSTANTLY point out women to H. Super shitty about it too - pointing out women's asses and stuff. Not only is that shitty to them, but also to me for telling my husband to check out this great ass right in front of me.

ei34 · October 2018

All I hear is “partner does ___ and it makes me uncomfortable, and his response was not “oh gosh, I’m sorry. I’ll stop doing ___”. I’d move on.

What makes this tricky is that they’ve been together for a few years- did it just start? Did it just start bothering LW recently? I dated a guy like that in my early 20s and we lasted four weeks bc it annoyed me so I get how LW is feeling...I guess I’d ask myself if bf being dismissive when I told him how I felt was a dealbreaker.

climbingsingle · October 2018

I've dated a guy like this. And not surprisingly, he ended up cheating on me. Not to say that her partner is cheating, or that all men that behave like this do. BUT she says herself - if that's the way he behaves in front of her, how does he behave when she's not around?

I can honestly say I don't think I've ever seen my H check out another woman. Ever. Maybe he's done it when I'm not around, but never in front of me.

CharmedPam · October 2018

climbingwife said:

I've dated a guy like this. And not surprisingly, he ended up cheating on me. Not to say that her partner is cheating, or that all men that behave like this do. BUT she says herself - if that's the way he behaves in front of her, how does he behave when she's not around?

I can honestly say I don't think I've ever seen my H check out another woman. Ever. Maybe he's done it when I'm not around, but never in front of me.

I was trying to remember if my own H checked someone out in front of me, and then I thought 'hey, if he did - I think it would be something I WOULD remember!'

But yeah, its human nature to find others attractive, but this guy sounds like a jerk!

kerbohl · October 2018

It's one thing to notice an attractive person. It's another to be obvious about it, which this guy apparently is. No, women don't like being stared at. Saying "well guys stare at you" has nothing to do with his gf - she isn't in control of what other guys do, but he is in control of what he does, and she has told him she is uncomfortable.

short+sassy · October 2018

Occasional, quick glances are one thing. But this guy sounds smack in the middle of creepy zone. Her discomfort should be enough for the guy to at the very least tone it down. But, if that's not a dealbreaker for her yet, she should also point out how completely rude he is being to total strangers.

I wouldn't call it "all the time", but my H often looks at other women. No ogling at all. I doubt anyone, but me, would notice. It doesn't bother me in the slightest and I even recognize the "triggers" that will often catch his attention...wild/curly hair, red hair, and/or pretty smiles. I have none of that, except the pretty smile, lol. Which is one of his regular compliments to me. He also gives me sweet, sincere compliments all the time. It is one of my "love languages".

He'll sometimes make comments, out of ear shot to me, like "did you see that smile she had! I'm such a sucker for that" or "she's so attractive, the one with all the hair". And, every once in awhile, he'll do a "double check" with me that my feelings aren't being hurt when he talks about other women. I actually see it as a strength in our relationship that we can have these kinds of conversations with each other. He is also just as secure and cool with me talking about a good looking guy.

My dude has no chill

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