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Bean dip...or get new friends?

mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,

I’m in my 30s, single and childless. I’d love to get married and have a family, but I’m also beginning to realize that might not happen for me. I enjoy traveling by myself and have a great group of friends, but some people won’t accept that this life can make me happy. I’ve explained to them I don’t need them to “find me a man” and that I’m not certain I’d be a good solo parent (“You could always use a sperm donor or adopt.”) I’ve started avoiding these friends, and they want to know why. People (always married, always with kids) become uncomfortable when I say I don’t know if I’ll get married and that I’m coming to terms with that. They try to rush to fill the silence by “fixing” the situation. I hate it. What do I say to these people since using my words so far hasn’t done a darn thing?

—Single and Might Always Be
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Re: Bean dip...or get new friends?

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    charlotte989875charlotte989875 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Ugh your friends sound terrible. 
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    missJeanLouisemissJeanLouise member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Maybe try using stronger words but if that still doesn’t work, find different friends.
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    downtondivadowntondiva member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    Stronger words. Tell them why you're avoiding them and that you're tired of them trying to "fix" your life, and that you can't continue being friends with them if they're going to keep doing that.
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    ernursejernursej member
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its

    Poor LW. I hate the marriage/kids stuff.

    If someone asks if you are married/have kids, just say no and change the subject. If you provide rationale, you open yourself up to the 'but' suggestions. If people are pushy, I would suggest this (working for me right now on the kid issue) - "I appreciate that you are passionate about (kids/marriage/both) and I support you in your decisions and pursuit of those things. Thank you in advance for supporting my decisions." It is polite, firm and final.

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2018
    "Because you're unable to accept me as I am and keep pressuring me to get married and have children on your schedule. I'm no longer willing to accept your pressure or your lack of respect for my feelings."
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    short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    ShesSoCold said:
    So, I agree that the friends should mind their damned business, but it sounds to me like LW is sad about being single. That last part of her telling people "I'm coming to terms with it" - If I were having that conversation with LW, I'd probably say something "fixey" too, because it's awkward. What else would one say? "Welp, that sucks. Good thing there's lots of cats!"??

    I think that if LW changes her tone and bean dips with these types of discussions, she might get better responses. When someone asks about her love life, she could say something like, "Oh, no, not dating anyone now but I did get a big promotion at work!!" to redirect the conversation. Stopping at "No, I'm single and I probably always will be..." leaves that awkward door open and the other person probably doesn't know how to respond. 

    Also, Sister, if this is you writing this letter, it's okay to go off on Laura. You've been biting your tongue with her bullshit condescending sympathy for your lack of partner for too damned long. 

    This is where I was also after reading the letter.  Unless they keep harping the issue without an opening, the LW is presenting the situation like a problem they have.  Though a problem they are coming to terms with.  I think it is human nature to try and "help/advise" someone we care about who is talking about that life hasn't quite worked out they way they thought it would.

    With that said, I think more of the issue is the LW's friends/family are also not being supportive/ignoring that the LW's life might very well turn out just the way he/she is worried about.  And assuring this person that's okay, too.

    I'll give an almost exact IRL example.  I have a close friend in her mid-40s who has generally planned to get married again (she was married once/divorced in her early 20s).  But the older she has gotten, the more she has come to terms with that may/may not happen and made her peace with it.

    She loves her life just the way it is.  She feels happy and fulfilled in it.  She's open to falling in love and getting married again, but that it would need to be a special person who would augment her world without too much compromise on her part and on her independence.  She fully realizes that is a tall order and is perhaps not fair to the other person.  But she knows herself, knows what she wants, and that's the deal.  So, while I hope she finds the right person, I don't need to give her any advice on that.  I listen.  I encourage that her attitude is great.  Whether it is a new potential man, the status quo, or a recent break-up.

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    ShesSoColdShesSoCold mod
    First Answer First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its
    short+sassy said:
    ShesSoCold said:
    So, I agree that the friends should mind their damned business, but it sounds to me like LW is sad about being single. That last part of her telling people "I'm coming to terms with it" - If I were having that conversation with LW, I'd probably say something "fixey" too, because it's awkward. What else would one say? "Welp, that sucks. Good thing there's lots of cats!"??

    I think that if LW changes her tone and bean dips with these types of discussions, she might get better responses. When someone asks about her love life, she could say something like, "Oh, no, not dating anyone now but I did get a big promotion at work!!" to redirect the conversation. Stopping at "No, I'm single and I probably always will be..." leaves that awkward door open and the other person probably doesn't know how to respond. 

    Also, Sister, if this is you writing this letter, it's okay to go off on Laura. You've been biting your tongue with her bullshit condescending sympathy for your lack of partner for too damned long. 

    This is where I was also after reading the letter.  Unless they keep harping the issue without an opening, the LW is presenting the situation like a problem they have.  Though a problem they are coming to terms with.  I think it is human nature to try and "help/advise" someone we care about who is talking about that life hasn't quite worked out they way they thought it would.

    With that said, I think more of the issue is the LW's friends/family are also not being supportive/ignoring that the LW's life might very well turn out just the way he/she is worried about.  And assuring this person that's okay, too.

    I'll give an almost exact IRL example.  I have a close friend in her mid-40s who has generally planned to get married again (she was married once/divorced in her early 20s).  But the older she has gotten, the more she has come to terms with that may/may not happen and made her peace with it.

    She loves her life just the way it is.  She feels happy and fulfilled in it.  She's open to falling in love and getting married again, but that it would need to be a special person who would augment her world without too much compromise on her part and on her independence.  She fully realizes that is a tall order and is perhaps not fair to the other person.  But she knows herself, knows what she wants, and that's the deal.  So, while I hope she finds the right person, I don't need to give her any advice on that.  I listen.  I encourage that her attitude is great.  Whether it is a new potential man, the status quo, or a recent break-up.

    Yes, I have three very close friends (one is my sister) in almost the same boat. Upper 30s - 40s, never married, no kids, they all thought they would eventually marry and have babies. They're all perfectly happy and content with their lives. But it sounds to me like LW is referring to more casual conversations, rather than deep one-on-one conversations like it sounds like you and your friend have. They all get the same crap LW does, but they know how to respond to shut it down.

    Regardless though, I like OP could benefit from saying exactly what she means. Like, early in the letter, she says she tells her friends that she doesn't need them to find her a man, or that she's not sure about solo parenting. If she said that she's happy alone and doesn't need or want a man or a child, that might sink in better. Beating around bushes doesn't seem to be working.
    Image result for someecard betting someone half your shit youll love them forever
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    STARMOON44STARMOON44 member
    First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    ShesSoCold said:
    So, I agree that the friends should mind their damned business, but it sounds to me like LW is sad about being single. That last part of her telling people "I'm coming to terms with it" - If I were having that conversation with LW, I'd probably say something "fixey" too, because it's awkward. What else would one say? "Welp, that sucks. Good thing there's lots of cats!"??

    I think that if LW changes her tone and bean dips with these types of discussions, she might get better responses. When someone asks about her love life, she could say something like, "Oh, no, not dating anyone now but I did get a big promotion at work!!" to redirect the conversation. Stopping at "No, I'm single and I probably always will be..." leaves that awkward door open and the other person probably doesn't know how to respond. 

    Also, Sister, if this is you writing this letter, it's okay to go off on Laura. You've been biting your tongue with her bullshit condescending sympathy for your lack of partner for too damned long. 
    “I’m so sorry that sounds really hard.”

    ”I love you and I’m here for you.”

    ”I wish there were something I could say to fix this and I know there isn’t.”

    ”if there is anything I can do please let me know.”


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    maine7mobmaine7mob member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    Everyone has an aspirational life. So you're married with kids. Maybe you want a better job or more money or a house in a nicer neighborhood. This is a common human experience. It's no different for people who are single. You may be open to a partner or not, but no matter what's happening in your life, it's always good to just find something beneficial in your current circumstances. And if someone is suggesting that you should be unhappy in your circumstances, remind them of this.
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