Wedding Customs & Traditions Forum

Ways to Include Dad in Wedding

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Re: Ways to Include Dad in Wedding

  • maine7mob said:
    Why would you not tolerate people who also suffer from the loss of your father?
    maine7mob said:
    Why would you not tolerate people who also suffer from the loss of your father?
    There's a difference between people grieving my father and people being offended because I want to have the closest thing I can to a father daughter dance. 
  • MobKaz said:
    I have to agree with MobKaz and ShesSoCold. My mother passed away 15 years ago. There are still moments I get emotional - and it isn't always predictable. Your wedding will be a very emotional day for many reasons - very happy and joyous ones. This idea could really become a sad one for you and others there. I know I would be a total mess if it were me.
     As I said before it's not for everybody. Its really going to be more of happy thing than a sad thing. To me it's way more important to include my dad in a way that makes me happy rather than worry about what other people are thinking. I lost my dad at a very young age, and I learned a long time ago not to tolerate people who feel uncomfortable about talking him or bringing him up. It will be very emotional, but weddings are emotional rollercoasters, and it's ok to cry one second and dance the next. SO. That being said, I will continue to plan on doing what makes me happy, and I was just sharing something that has really helped me throughout this process. Thanks for your opinions, but I really wasn't asking for them, I was just throwing an idea out there that might help the asker. 
    Whoa.  Your attitude, supposedly regarding those nearest and dearest to you, is frightening.  I cannot think of a more inappropriate or selfish attitude.  This is NOT about friends and family having a discussion about a sensitive or uncomfortable topic.  This is about friends and family being BLINDSIDED and cut to the quick with UNEXPECTED grief at a time they were LEAST thinking about anything sad. 
    Many posters have shared real and personal experiences about unexpected and gut wrenching moments that came with no warning.  Your response is that you only care about WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY???  That attitude is the very definition of selfish and callous.  You may THINK, from your POV, that it is "really going to be more of a happy thing than a sad thing", but to think of this from ONLY your POV is immature.  Once you invite guests to anything, the proper way to host and treat guests is to consider THEIR comfort FIRST.

    ETA.......you say in this post that you lost your dad at a very young age, and yet in another post you said you "lost your dad about 6 years ago."  

    My family and I are very open about talking about my dad and we LOVE watching old home videos of him. You talk like you know my family dynamics better than I do, you know nothing about me or my family. You are judging me for something that is going to bring me and my family great joy. I honestly don't need a complete strangers opinion, and I am quite confused as to why you are so quick to judge someone you don't know who never asked for your input. You honestly have no right to say what is right or wrong to do in a situation like this, especially because it sounds like you have never been in this situation to begin with. 
    I'm also confused as to why you want to spend your time judging other people I mean what do you get out of this? It blows my mind people like you have time to go on the knot.com of all places and just make it your responsibility to tell complete strangers what they should and shouldn't do. 

    I guess I have to do some math for you as well. I am 23 now, my dad passed away when I was 17. To me that is fairly young. 

    As I said before, I am going to do what I need to do to include my dad on my wedding day, thanks for your grave concern over the matter but it really isn't needed. 
  • maine7mob said:
    Why would you not tolerate people who also suffer from the loss of your father?
    maine7mob said:
    Why would you not tolerate people who also suffer from the loss of your father?
    There's a difference between people grieving my father and people being offended because I want to have the closest thing I can to a father daughter dance. 
    Not offended. Shocked and upset.

    But you've made it abundantly clear that you really don't care about anyone other than yourself, so it really doesn't matter. 
  • Knottie#s, my family is a lot like yours. We believe our loved ones are present in our lives even after they have passed away. We mention them by name during the prayers of the faithful in the Catholic ceremony. At every family gathering, we reminisce. I still talk to my grandmother who passed away over 30 years ago, usually when I'm cooking, gardening, shoe shopping or doing something that she enjoyed. 

    My daughter and SIL put together a slide show of pics from both families, including many old wedding portraits, family reunion pics and some baby pics of the B&G with various family members. These are happy memories for us and we find them comforting. The slide show was on a tv near the cocktail hour bar. Guests had a choice of viewing it or not. It wasn't in your face if you weren't interested or were creeped out by it. I was surprised to see so many guests enjoying the pictures. As I stood there watching the pics, the groom's aunt joined to tell me all about their family pics. This scenario repeated itself throughout the reception, with various family members. 

    Not that you care about my opinion, but I support you having your dad present at your wedding. I think it would be better to do it in a way where the guests have a choice to participate or not. 
                       
  • edited December 2018
    THIS. UGH.

    I actually agree with you, KnottieNumbers regarding people who would be offended. Anyone who didn't know your dad and would be offended by your home movie thing, I agree, piss on 'em. 

    But the people who are grieving him could (it's pretty damn likely) be taken completely off guard by this. Those are the WORST times for me. Yes, I know I'll have a shitty day on my mom's birthday or on Mother's Day. But when I see a woman in a car who looks like her? When I don't know if I can still eat those leftovers in the fridge and she's not there to call? THOSE are the completely random occasions when it's really hard for me to bounce back and pull myself together. That is when I have to excuse myself and really have a big ugly cry.

    Like when I walked into my cousin's wedding and the first thing I saw was a big 8 X 10 of her. With jaundice. I'd already had her in my mind and was sad that this was the first family wedding without her but BAM seeing her face there so unexpectedly totally threw me off. 

    We're not the wedding or grief police. It's highly unlikely that any of us will be on your guest list and ultimately we don't really care. You do what you want. But we are an uninvolved outside party who isn't afraid to tell you our experiences and opinions. We're from all over the country and world and from different backgrounds. People who know and love you might not be so open because they don't want to upset you. We don't care, good or bad. And, at least for me, that makes the advice given here pretty solid.
    I wish I could hug you and say, 'when in doubt, throw it out.' Your mom doesn't want you to get food poisoning.

    My dear friend's husband passed away right after her daughter started college. Our daughters were crib friends. When my husband and daughter had the father/daughter dance, my poor friend was overcome with grief for the dance her daughter and husband didn't have. When her daughter was married, she walked the first part of the aisle alone, having the officiant announce that it was honor of her dad. Her uncle met her half way. Her dad was a good friend of ours, that took me off guard and I struggled throughout the ceremony to keep control. I was already thinking about him leading up to the wedding. You're right, you never know what is going to bring someone down. Some people need that special memorial, but it's really best if the guests aren't forced to participate.
                       
  • For another story of grief coming out of nowhere.

    About a year after my father passed away, I attended a wedding where I was friends with both the bride and groom.  I was having a great time!  One of the best weddings I've ever been to because it was small and intimate.  Plus I loved both people getting married.  I wasn't even remotely thinking about my father.

    Then the DJ announced the father-daughter dance.  Wham!  I had to choke back a sob as I as quietly as possible went to the restroom.  I let myself tear up and have my moment of grief.  Waited long enough for the song to be over.  Then pulled myself back together and rejoined the festivities.

    I was then more prepared for future weddings I went to.  I still quietly step away to another room, if there are any parental spotlight dances.  I didn't have any at my own wedding.  Either my sister didn't either or it was a brief mother/son dance and no one batted an eye.  See?  My own sister's wedding and I can't even remember what they did for spotlight dances, other than there was nothing jarring.

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  • MobKaz said:
    I have to agree with MobKaz and ShesSoCold. My mother passed away 15 years ago. There are still moments I get emotional - and it isn't always predictable. Your wedding will be a very emotional day for many reasons - very happy and joyous ones. This idea could really become a sad one for you and others there. I know I would be a total mess if it were me.
     As I said before it's not for everybody. Its really going to be more of happy thing than a sad thing. To me it's way more important to include my dad in a way that makes me happy rather than worry about what other people are thinking. I lost my dad at a very young age, and I learned a long time ago not to tolerate people who feel uncomfortable about talking him or bringing him up. It will be very emotional, but weddings are emotional rollercoasters, and it's ok to cry one second and dance the next. SO. That being said, I will continue to plan on doing what makes me happy, and I was just sharing something that has really helped me throughout this process. Thanks for your opinions, but I really wasn't asking for them, I was just throwing an idea out there that might help the asker. 
    Whoa.  Your attitude, supposedly regarding those nearest and dearest to you, is frightening.  I cannot think of a more inappropriate or selfish attitude.  This is NOT about friends and family having a discussion about a sensitive or uncomfortable topic.  This is about friends and family being BLINDSIDED and cut to the quick with UNEXPECTED grief at a time they were LEAST thinking about anything sad. 
    Many posters have shared real and personal experiences about unexpected and gut wrenching moments that came with no warning.  Your response is that you only care about WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY???  That attitude is the very definition of selfish and callous.  You may THINK, from your POV, that it is "really going to be more of a happy thing than a sad thing", but to think of this from ONLY your POV is immature.  Once you invite guests to anything, the proper way to host and treat guests is to consider THEIR comfort FIRST.

    ETA.......you say in this post that you lost your dad at a very young age, and yet in another post you said you "lost your dad about 6 years ago."  

    My family and I are very open about talking about my dad and we LOVE watching old home videos of him. You talk like you know my family dynamics better than I do, you know nothing about me or my family. You are judging me for something that is going to bring me and my family great joy. I honestly don't need a complete strangers opinion, and I am quite confused as to why you are so quick to judge someone you don't know who never asked for your input. You honestly have no right to say what is right or wrong to do in a situation like this, especially because it sounds like you have never been in this situation to begin with. 
    I'm also confused as to why you want to spend your time judging other people I mean what do you get out of this? It blows my mind people like you have time to go on the knot.com of all places and just make it your responsibility to tell complete strangers what they should and shouldn't do. 

    I guess I have to do some math for you as well. I am 23 now, my dad passed away when I was 17. To me that is fairly young. 

    As I said before, I am going to do what I need to do to include my dad on my wedding day, thanks for your grave concern over the matter but it really isn't needed. 
    Nope.  You can take that high and mighty attitude right off the table.  "People like ME?"  Now who's judging? 
    YOU came to these boards to look for the opinions and suggestions of strangers but then get self righteous when you cannot see an objective statement hit you right in the head.  Are you NOT reading?  Many of us are sharing the stories of firsthand experiences where grief came at the most unexpected and unanticipated moments.  Even when attending events we knew we would experience a heavy heart, grief still overwhelmed us. 
    Your unwillingness to acknowledge the feelings of your guests is no longer the issue.  We will often respond on these posts for those new posters who lurk and will appreciate and understand the message.
    Thanks for the math lesson.  I actually have a few math skills and see that you are still at a very young age. 
  • MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have to agree with MobKaz and ShesSoCold. My mother passed away 15 years ago. There are still moments I get emotional - and it isn't always predictable. Your wedding will be a very emotional day for many reasons - very happy and joyous ones. This idea could really become a sad one for you and others there. I know I would be a total mess if it were me.
     As I said before it's not for everybody. Its really going to be more of happy thing than a sad thing. To me it's way more important to include my dad in a way that makes me happy rather than worry about what other people are thinking. I lost my dad at a very young age, and I learned a long time ago not to tolerate people who feel uncomfortable about talking him or bringing him up. It will be very emotional, but weddings are emotional rollercoasters, and it's ok to cry one second and dance the next. SO. That being said, I will continue to plan on doing what makes me happy, and I was just sharing something that has really helped me throughout this process. Thanks for your opinions, but I really wasn't asking for them, I was just throwing an idea out there that might help the asker. 
    Whoa.  Your attitude, supposedly regarding those nearest and dearest to you, is frightening.  I cannot think of a more inappropriate or selfish attitude.  This is NOT about friends and family having a discussion about a sensitive or uncomfortable topic.  This is about friends and family being BLINDSIDED and cut to the quick with UNEXPECTED grief at a time they were LEAST thinking about anything sad. 
    Many posters have shared real and personal experiences about unexpected and gut wrenching moments that came with no warning.  Your response is that you only care about WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY???  That attitude is the very definition of selfish and callous.  You may THINK, from your POV, that it is "really going to be more of a happy thing than a sad thing", but to think of this from ONLY your POV is immature.  Once you invite guests to anything, the proper way to host and treat guests is to consider THEIR comfort FIRST.

    ETA.......you say in this post that you lost your dad at a very young age, and yet in another post you said you "lost your dad about 6 years ago."  

    My family and I are very open about talking about my dad and we LOVE watching old home videos of him. You talk like you know my family dynamics better than I do, you know nothing about me or my family. You are judging me for something that is going to bring me and my family great joy. I honestly don't need a complete strangers opinion, and I am quite confused as to why you are so quick to judge someone you don't know who never asked for your input. You honestly have no right to say what is right or wrong to do in a situation like this, especially because it sounds like you have never been in this situation to begin with. 
    I'm also confused as to why you want to spend your time judging other people I mean what do you get out of this? It blows my mind people like you have time to go on the knot.com of all places and just make it your responsibility to tell complete strangers what they should and shouldn't do. 

    I guess I have to do some math for you as well. I am 23 now, my dad passed away when I was 17. To me that is fairly young. 

    As I said before, I am going to do what I need to do to include my dad on my wedding day, thanks for your grave concern over the matter but it really isn't needed. 
    Nope.  You can take that high and mighty attitude right off the table.  "People like ME?"  Now who's judging? 
    YOU came to these boards to look for the opinions and suggestions of strangers but then get self righteous when you cannot see an objective statement hit you right in the head.  Are you NOT reading?  Many of us are sharing the stories of firsthand experiences where grief came at the most unexpected and unanticipated moments.  Even when attending events we knew we would experience a heavy heart, grief still overwhelmed us. 
    Your unwillingness to acknowledge the feelings of your guests is no longer the issue.  We will often respond on these posts for those new posters who lurk and will appreciate and understand the message.
    Thanks for the math lesson.  I actually have a few math skills and see that you are still at a very young age. 
    I think you might be confused, I didn't comment on this thread to look for advice and suggestions, I am not the user that asked the question. I commented on this thread to share something with someone else who is the same situation as me. This idea really works for me and my family and my ONLY intent was to share something that might help the person who started this thread. Not to be criticized and judged by a complete stranger who doesn't know anything about my background and my family. I think it takes someone who believes they are high and mighty to go out of their way to judge someone else for something that makes them and their family happy about a tough situation that you have clearly never been in. 
  • flantasticflantastic member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2018
    MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have to agree with MobKaz and ShesSoCold. My mother passed away 15 years ago. There are still moments I get emotional - and it isn't always predictable. Your wedding will be a very emotional day for many reasons - very happy and joyous ones. This idea could really become a sad one for you and others there. I know I would be a total mess if it were me.
     As I said before it's not for everybody. Its really going to be more of happy thing than a sad thing. To me it's way more important to include my dad in a way that makes me happy rather than worry about what other people are thinking. I lost my dad at a very young age, and I learned a long time ago not to tolerate people who feel uncomfortable about talking him or bringing him up. It will be very emotional, but weddings are emotional rollercoasters, and it's ok to cry one second and dance the next. SO. That being said, I will continue to plan on doing what makes me happy, and I was just sharing something that has really helped me throughout this process. Thanks for your opinions, but I really wasn't asking for them, I was just throwing an idea out there that might help the asker. 
    Whoa.  Your attitude, supposedly regarding those nearest and dearest to you, is frightening.  I cannot think of a more inappropriate or selfish attitude.  This is NOT about friends and family having a discussion about a sensitive or uncomfortable topic.  This is about friends and family being BLINDSIDED and cut to the quick with UNEXPECTED grief at a time they were LEAST thinking about anything sad. 
    Many posters have shared real and personal experiences about unexpected and gut wrenching moments that came with no warning.  Your response is that you only care about WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY???  That attitude is the very definition of selfish and callous.  You may THINK, from your POV, that it is "really going to be more of a happy thing than a sad thing", but to think of this from ONLY your POV is immature.  Once you invite guests to anything, the proper way to host and treat guests is to consider THEIR comfort FIRST.

    ETA.......you say in this post that you lost your dad at a very young age, and yet in another post you said you "lost your dad about 6 years ago."  

    My family and I are very open about talking about my dad and we LOVE watching old home videos of him. You talk like you know my family dynamics better than I do, you know nothing about me or my family. You are judging me for something that is going to bring me and my family great joy. I honestly don't need a complete strangers opinion, and I am quite confused as to why you are so quick to judge someone you don't know who never asked for your input. You honestly have no right to say what is right or wrong to do in a situation like this, especially because it sounds like you have never been in this situation to begin with. 
    I'm also confused as to why you want to spend your time judging other people I mean what do you get out of this? It blows my mind people like you have time to go on the knot.com of all places and just make it your responsibility to tell complete strangers what they should and shouldn't do. 

    I guess I have to do some math for you as well. I am 23 now, my dad passed away when I was 17. To me that is fairly young. 

    As I said before, I am going to do what I need to do to include my dad on my wedding day, thanks for your grave concern over the matter but it really isn't needed. 
    Nope.  You can take that high and mighty attitude right off the table.  "People like ME?"  Now who's judging? 
    YOU came to these boards to look for the opinions and suggestions of strangers but then get self righteous when you cannot see an objective statement hit you right in the head.  Are you NOT reading?  Many of us are sharing the stories of firsthand experiences where grief came at the most unexpected and unanticipated moments.  Even when attending events we knew we would experience a heavy heart, grief still overwhelmed us. 
    Your unwillingness to acknowledge the feelings of your guests is no longer the issue.  We will often respond on these posts for those new posters who lurk and will appreciate and understand the message.
    Thanks for the math lesson.  I actually have a few math skills and see that you are still at a very young age. 
    I think you might be confused, I didn't comment on this thread to look for advice and suggestions, I am not the user that asked the question. I commented on this thread to share something with someone else who is the same situation as me. This idea really works for me and my family and my ONLY intent was to share something that might help the person who started this thread. Not to be criticized and judged by a complete stranger who doesn't know anything about my background and my family. I think it takes someone who believes they are high and mighty to go out of their way to judge someone else for something that makes them and their family happy about a tough situation that you have clearly never been in. 
    I have had some tragic things occur in my family. I still think that my wedding day is not entirely about me and my feelings and my grieving - once we chose to have more than a private wedding and invite others. Because I cared about my guests (that I chose to ask to come), I didn't choose to do anything to process my own grief on my wedding day that would risk making them sadder than they needed to be. I chose to do something else, more private.

    All we're doing is pointing out to the OP that what she proposes is not a good idea once you think beyond yourself and your own feelings, assuming you care about the grief process your guests might be going through as well. We're trying to help keep the wedding from turning sad when it doesn't have to be. That doesn't seem like arbitrary judgment, but sage advice from experience.

    There are some times when you are at the epicenter of grief, and even though others are grieving your loved one as well, you have to do what you need to do. However, there is no reason to turn a happy occasion into a second memorial, especially without warning. This is not the time and place.

    If OP can't feel like she's properly grieved her dad without listening to his voice, she can do that. In private. If the only way she can process her grief is by making everyone else listen to her dad's voice as a stand-in for a dance she'll never have, which risks hurting others, on a day where she gets to marry her FI, then she probably needs therapy.
  • MobKaz said:
    MobKaz said:
    I have to agree with MobKaz and ShesSoCold. My mother passed away 15 years ago. There are still moments I get emotional - and it isn't always predictable. Your wedding will be a very emotional day for many reasons - very happy and joyous ones. This idea could really become a sad one for you and others there. I know I would be a total mess if it were me.
     As I said before it's not for everybody. Its really going to be more of happy thing than a sad thing. To me it's way more important to include my dad in a way that makes me happy rather than worry about what other people are thinking. I lost my dad at a very young age, and I learned a long time ago not to tolerate people who feel uncomfortable about talking him or bringing him up. It will be very emotional, but weddings are emotional rollercoasters, and it's ok to cry one second and dance the next. SO. That being said, I will continue to plan on doing what makes me happy, and I was just sharing something that has really helped me throughout this process. Thanks for your opinions, but I really wasn't asking for them, I was just throwing an idea out there that might help the asker. 
    Whoa.  Your attitude, supposedly regarding those nearest and dearest to you, is frightening.  I cannot think of a more inappropriate or selfish attitude.  This is NOT about friends and family having a discussion about a sensitive or uncomfortable topic.  This is about friends and family being BLINDSIDED and cut to the quick with UNEXPECTED grief at a time they were LEAST thinking about anything sad. 
    Many posters have shared real and personal experiences about unexpected and gut wrenching moments that came with no warning.  Your response is that you only care about WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY???  That attitude is the very definition of selfish and callous.  You may THINK, from your POV, that it is "really going to be more of a happy thing than a sad thing", but to think of this from ONLY your POV is immature.  Once you invite guests to anything, the proper way to host and treat guests is to consider THEIR comfort FIRST.

    ETA.......you say in this post that you lost your dad at a very young age, and yet in another post you said you "lost your dad about 6 years ago."  

    My family and I are very open about talking about my dad and we LOVE watching old home videos of him. You talk like you know my family dynamics better than I do, you know nothing about me or my family. You are judging me for something that is going to bring me and my family great joy. I honestly don't need a complete strangers opinion, and I am quite confused as to why you are so quick to judge someone you don't know who never asked for your input. You honestly have no right to say what is right or wrong to do in a situation like this, especially because it sounds like you have never been in this situation to begin with. 
    I'm also confused as to why you want to spend your time judging other people I mean what do you get out of this? It blows my mind people like you have time to go on the knot.com of all places and just make it your responsibility to tell complete strangers what they should and shouldn't do. 

    I guess I have to do some math for you as well. I am 23 now, my dad passed away when I was 17. To me that is fairly young. 

    As I said before, I am going to do what I need to do to include my dad on my wedding day, thanks for your grave concern over the matter but it really isn't needed. 
    Nope.  You can take that high and mighty attitude right off the table.  "People like ME?"  Now who's judging? 
    YOU came to these boards to look for the opinions and suggestions of strangers but then get self righteous when you cannot see an objective statement hit you right in the head.  Are you NOT reading?  Many of us are sharing the stories of firsthand experiences where grief came at the most unexpected and unanticipated moments.  Even when attending events we knew we would experience a heavy heart, grief still overwhelmed us. 
    Your unwillingness to acknowledge the feelings of your guests is no longer the issue.  We will often respond on these posts for those new posters who lurk and will appreciate and understand the message.
    Thanks for the math lesson.  I actually have a few math skills and see that you are still at a very young age. 
    I think you might be confused, I didn't comment on this thread to look for advice and suggestions, I am not the user that asked the question. I commented on this thread to share something with someone else who is the same situation as me. This idea really works for me and my family and my ONLY intent was to share something that might help the person who started this thread. Not to be criticized and judged by a complete stranger who doesn't know anything about my background and my family. I think it takes someone who believes they are high and mighty to go out of their way to judge someone else for something that makes them and their family happy about a tough situation that you have clearly never been in. 
    You are correct.  You are not the original poster of this thread.  You did not start this thread looking for opinions and suggestions.  For that comment, and that comment alone, I apologize. 
    The high and mighty attitude displayed in your responses, however, remains true.  Any response, and the content within, is subject to comment.  You have made it abundantly clear that YOU feel that YOUR idea works for you and your family.  My comment, and those of others, is trying to make it clear to lurkers, or others reading this post, that it is certainly NOT the only POV, and that there is a fairly strong consensus that your idea could cause considerable pain for guests.  The other issue is that anyone, including a wedding couple, must consider the feelings and comfort of their guests when hosting an event.
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