Who is or who did pay/host your bridal shower?

knotthebride3 · January 2019

Hi All-
I couldn’t figure out how to do a poll but if you could kindly reply to who is or who did pay/host your bridal shower....? Or if you don’t know yet (maybe it’s a surprise) who do you think should pay/host?

I’m not the bride but I am trying to figure out a tricky/sticky situation and would love some insight considering I haven’t been in a wedding in a trillion years.
Tia!

knotthebride3 · January 2019

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charlotte989875 · January 2019

knottiee293b39115052350 said:

Hi All-
I couldn’t figure out how to do a poll but if you could kindly reply to who is or who did pay/host your bridal shower....? Or if you don’t know yet (maybe it’s a surprise) who do you think should pay/host?

I’m not the bride but I am trying to figure out a tricky/sticky situation and would love some insight considering I haven’t been in a wedding in a trillion years.
Tia!

My bridesmaids offered to host a bridal shower for me and they paid for the expenses. I’m pretty sure my mom also contributed, but I’m not totally sure since they didn’t tell me anything regarding costs. They asked some of my general preferences and then planned and hosted.

When Ive been a bridesmaid it’s always worked the same way. Whoever offers to host covers the cost. When I was a MOH I texted the other BMs and said I offered to host; almost everyone else offered to co-host as well (although not everyone which is absolutely fine because no one is ever expected to host or contribute) or offered to do their own.

ShesSoCold · January 2019

If I tell you who hosted and paid for my shower, will you tell us the sticky situation? :P

MyNameIsNot · January 2019

knottiee293b39115052350 said:

Hi All-
I couldn’t figure out how to do a poll but if you could kindly reply to who is or who did pay/host your bridal shower....? Or if you don’t know yet (maybe it’s a surprise) who do you think should pay/host?

I’m not the bride but I am trying to figure out a tricky/sticky situation and would love some insight considering I haven’t been in a wedding in a trillion years.
Tia!

My sister hosted and paid for my shower.

A shower should be hosted by whomever decides to offer to host a shower. It should also be paid for by this person (or people). No one should ever be expected to host or to help pay for a shower. It's 100% voluntary, always.

Oh, and the couple should never host or pay.

knotthebride3 · January 2019

Hahaha of course I share details...

Thanks for the info.... I am pondering what I should or could do.

Brief deets: Not one person in bridal party lives in the same state ....including the bride and grooms’ parents.... The vibe I am getting is that I should be hosting and paying for bridal shower.... I am MOH... The rest of the BMs (5) really haven’t said or done squat..... I mean nothing ...except complain about money.

Do I call the brides mom and say “hey, what’s your plans for a shower?”

Am I obligated to host a big shindig? Or could I just have immediate family and close friends?

Since, we we all live in different states, it’s is rude not to work around everyone’s Schedule if I end up hosting and paying?

charlotte989875 · January 2019

knottiee293b39115052350 said:

Hahaha of course I share details...

Thanks for the info.... I am pondering what I should or could do.

Brief deets: Not one person in bridal party lives in the same state ....including the bride and grooms’ parents.... The vibe I am getting is that I should be hosting and paying for bridal shower.... I am MOH... The rest of the BMs (5) really haven’t said or done squat..... I mean nothing ...except complain about money.

Do I call the brides mom and say “hey, what’s your plans for a shower?”

Am I obligated to host a big shindig? Or could I just have immediate family and close friends?

Since, we we all live in different states, it’s is rude not to work around everyone’s Schedule if I end up hosting and paying?

If you want to host a shower for your friend then definitely offer to do so, but the other BMs don’t have to and don’t have to contribute.

If you want to do this on your your own then definitely only offer what you are comfortable doing. If that’s a small event with close family and friends (which I think sounds lovely!) then do that.

I would give VIPs (the brides mother, other BMs, anyone else she’s super close with) a call and say “I’m planning a shower and thinking of these dates; are any of these bad times for you?” Don’t ask if they have plans to do a shower or imply they should, but if it’s important they are there I’d try and coordinate with them on dates if reasonably possible. If you can find a time that works for everyone, great; otherwise go with what works best for the bride and the most people (or the most important people to the bride).

MyNameIsNot · January 2019

knottiee293b39115052350 said:

Hahaha of course I share details...

Thanks for the info.... I am pondering what I should or could do.

Brief deets: Not one person in bridal party lives in the same state ....including the bride and grooms’ parents.... The vibe I am getting is that I should be hosting and paying for bridal shower.... I am MOH... The rest of the BMs (5) really haven’t said or done squat..... I mean nothing ...except complain about money.

Do I call the brides mom and say “hey, what’s your plans for a shower?”

Am I obligated to host a big shindig? Or could I just have immediate family and close friends?

Since, we we all live in different states, it’s is rude not to work around everyone’s Schedule if I end up hosting and paying?

Do you want to host a shower? If so, first tell the bride you'd like to host a shower and make sure she wants one. If she does, figure out which city would make the most sense. Next, figure out what you're comfortable spending, and tentatively figure out some dates. Then you can reach out to the moms, BMs and anyone else you think might be interested, and say "I'm going to host a shower for X. Do you have any interest in co-hosting?" If they are, ask them to take a look and let you know what they'd be comfortable contributing financially and give you potential dates. Once you have that whole picture, then you figure out what sort of venue and guest list you can afford. Then, you go back to the bride and say "I/we can host X people for Y, who do you want us to invite?" and firm up a date based on the options from other co-hosts.

If you don't want to host a shower (or want to, but don't have the time or money to work on it), just don't bring it up. Perhaps someone else will offer and you can then offer to contribute in a smaller capacity, or perhaps it won't happen. Either way is fine.

knotthebride3 · January 2019

Ahhhhh thank you for your honest opinion.... It helps tremendously....
I want this to be such a fun time for the bride and I don’t want her invloved at all esp. if there is going to be any shenanigans behind the scenes... I’m keeping it positive and hope everyone will follow suit...

thanks again!

Casadena · January 2019

I had two showers - one hosted by my best friend that was very small (8-10 people) and she did a few games with a little food. I think there was pasta salad, cupcakes, a veggie tray? My MIL planned my other one which was more a party for all of her friends and family but I think MIL's 3 sisters split the cost of hosting. There were about 50 people there.

As the bride, I much enjoyed the small one my friend held for me. It was nice to be able to chat with everyone and have everyone feel part of it. The larger was nice, but definitely loud and more active which is just not my preference.

If you would like to host a shower I think that's wonderful but definitely not necessary. A couple suggestions would be to:

(1)run dates with the bride and her mom (and maybe a gma or other VIP), other than that, I don't think you need to check with everyone. If her mom is going to plan something, she will probably let you know at that time and you can decide if you'd like to help out or have your own, or decided to let her handle completely. (2)I would also give the bride a hard limit on number of invites. Helps for you to budget and plan more easily and it won't get out of hand. This can be whatever you are comfortable with.

lovesclimbing · January 2019

For me, my mom and sister/MOH and aunt sort of all hosted one and my second cousin hosted a different one in a different city.

As a sister/MOH, I hosted a shower for the bride. As a FSIL/MOH, I cohosted a shower (I was out of town, flew in the day of the shower) with a cousin of the bride.

If you want to, offer. Keep in mind, there is no reason hosting a shower has to be expensive. I have never been to a shower at a stand alone venue. All of the showers I've been to - whether mine, one I hosted or one I just attended - have been in someone's home. I don't think I've ever spent more than $50-$75 hosting a shower. That includes food (a purchased fruit and veggie tray, punch, and a few finger foods like dips and skewers and a dessert I made myself. If co-hosting, multiple people helped provide the food), printing invitations at home with those printable kits you get at Walmart or sending e-invitations, printing out a couple games, buying a couple $3-$5 prizes for the games, disposable plates and utensils, and some decorations like crepe paper or balloons.

kahluakoala · January 2019

knottiee293b39115052350 said:

Hi All-
I couldn’t figure out how to do a poll but if you could kindly reply to who is or who did pay/host your bridal shower....? Or if you don’t know yet (maybe it’s a surprise) who do you think should pay/host?

I’m not the bride but I am trying to figure out a tricky/sticky situation and would love some insight considering I haven’t been in a wedding in a trillion years.
Tia!

My Mom and my MOH are cohosting. My mom is paying the whole cost but my MOH is doing a lot of the work (she gathered pictures, set up a game, picked out decor/invites, helped DIY favors, etc)

maine7mob · January 2019

My daughter declined her MOH's offer of a shower because her friends and bridesmaids lived in different states, and she didn't want to put that pressure on them. Everybody was fine with this. A shower is nice, but you can still get married without one.

Since the entire point of a shower is to give gifts, it's fine not to have one if it's too hard or costly for you. The main thing is that the couple should not ask for or host their own shower. If no one else can take this on, let it go.

ei34 · January 2019

kahluakoala said:

knottiee293b39115052350 said:

Hi All-
I couldn’t figure out how to do a poll but if you could kindly reply to who is or who did pay/host your bridal shower....? Or if you don’t know yet (maybe it’s a surprise) who do you think should pay/host?

I’m not the bride but I am trying to figure out a tricky/sticky situation and would love some insight considering I haven’t been in a wedding in a trillion years.
Tia!

My Mom and my MOH are cohosting. My mom is paying the whole cost but my MOH is doing a lot of the work (she gathered pictures, set up a game, picked out decor/invites, helped DIY favors, etc)

Same here. My mother paid for the venue and the prizes/favors, and I ordered and sent out invitations, kept track of RSVPs, did the seating chart, handled decor, ran the game, etc. for my sister’s shower. Joint effort.
That said, if you’d like to host something, it’s a lovely gesture. If you’re on the fence but feel like it’d be too much, you’re under no obligation to do so.

kahluakoala · January 2019

eileenrob said:

kahluakoala said:

knottiee293b39115052350 said:

Hi All-
I couldn’t figure out how to do a poll but if you could kindly reply to who is or who did pay/host your bridal shower....? Or if you don’t know yet (maybe it’s a surprise) who do you think should pay/host?

I’m not the bride but I am trying to figure out a tricky/sticky situation and would love some insight considering I haven’t been in a wedding in a trillion years.
Tia!

My Mom and my MOH are cohosting. My mom is paying the whole cost but my MOH is doing a lot of the work (she gathered pictures, set up a game, picked out decor/invites, helped DIY favors, etc)

Same here. My mother paid for the venue and the prizes/favors, and I ordered and sent out invitations, kept track of RSVPs, did the seating chart, handled decor, ran the game, etc. for my sister’s shower. Joint effort.
That said, if you’d like to host something, it’s a lovely gesture. If you’re on the fence but feel like it’d be too much, you’re under no obligation to do so.

OP I just want to add that in my experience, as a bridesmaid and friend of the bride, is that this is pretty common of the more elaborate showers you see. You know, the ones that cost a few thousand and include a meal and drinks at a restaurant/venue. Generally they're paid for by the parents of the bride or in-laws and then the BMs or MOH does some hosting work. You definitely don't, as a bridesmaid, need to spend anything excessive to host a shower nor should you feel like it's a common thing for a BM to be renting a venue and catering a luncheon. If you do decide to host a shower, do one that's in your budget - and if that's snacks and soda in your living room, it's still an incredibly nice gesture that anyone will appreciate.

knotthebride3 · January 2019

I am just getting back on to read the responses now... Thank you all so much for all different ways to look at this.... Again, the last time I was in a wedding was my own...over 15 years ago.... and my mom paid for my shower but my BMs helped with all the planning etc... however my bridal party consisted of relatives only and all lived in the same state.

Unfortunately (or fortunately... depends on how you look at it) the bridal showers that I have been to all have been at restaurants, catering halls etc.... mini weddings... But this is the area I live in and more the norm than not....

I know I could whip up a good party at my house.... but coordinating will be very tricky with everyone living OOS.

Things I am going to think about and then decide soon on how to handle the other BMs and MOB.

Now....what about bachelorette party? Lol That is wayyyy easier 😀

thisismynickname2 · January 2019

I declined a shower but PP's have it covered as far as how to plan, as well as the fact that the "venue" showers are usually done by family and the home showers are either family or more commonly by friends.

I have contributed towards hosting showers in my BM experiences.

As far as the bachelorette, basically the same planning deal except it's more common for the bridesmaids to chip in to cover the cost of the bride, whatever is planned. So, ask the bride if she wants you to plan something. If so, get ideas on what she may want to do. Ask the other bridesmaids if they want/are able to go, and find out what budgets may exist. Go from there.

A word of caution on planning a bachelorette- make it easy on the guests. The most fun bachelorettes I've been to had a few different activities and people could join or not join as they pleased. Costs were clearly articulated up front. No pressure to buy gifts on a theme (option, sure, but no implied requirements).
So for example:
4pm- Appetizers and drinks at X (usually someone's home with bridesmaids covering food and drink costs)
7pm- Dinner at Y, menu link provided so guests can see costs before committing (everyone pays their own way, bridesmaids chip in to cover bride)
10pm- Drinks and dancing at Z (everyone pays their way- usually results in everyone trying to buy the bride a drink, haha)

More ambitious parties may follow that model and tack on spa activities earlier in the day or whatever. I've never been on a vacation bachelorette though so no advice there, hahah. But you get the idea!

MobKaz · January 2019

Does the bride live in the state that you live? If literally everyone else comes in from out of town, they will more than likely ship gifts. Where will gifts be shipped? If a shower is hosted in a restaurant or outside venue, who will then bring all those gifts to that venue? That seems so insane!
I was the silent partner in the shower for my daughter. Her bridesmaids were listed as hosts on the invitations. I did not want them to incur unnecessary expenses. The girls did come early to decorate the house. Some of them brought homemade foods or helped with putting favors together. One bridesmaid volunteered to help with beverages. They all stayed to help clean up.
If you choose to host a shower, then you do it in a way in which you are most comfortable.

MesmrEwe · January 2019

I've seen this done many ways... 1) BM hosted... 2) MOB/MOG/BM/Family member (aunt/godparent/etc.) hosted/paid... 3) Bride in a stable financial situation with BM/MOG/MOB NOT in stable financial situation position (Bride also paying for BM attire) yet BM/MOB/MOG wished could host but couldn't afford even the most basic of shower, so came to a mutually agreeable amount/guest count that the BM/MOB/MOG was the host but Bride ultimately paid..

MesmrEwe · January 2019

MobKaz said:

Does the bride live in the state that you live? If literally everyone else comes in from out of town, they will more than likely ship gifts. Where will gifts be shipped? If a shower is hosted in a restaurant or outside venue, who will then bring all those gifts to that venue? That seems so insane!
I was the silent partner in the shower for my daughter. Her bridesmaids were listed as hosts on the invitations. I did not want them to incur unnecessary expenses. The girls did come early to decorate the house. Some of them brought homemade foods or helped with putting favors together. One bridesmaid volunteered to help with beverages. They all stayed to help clean up.
If you choose to host a shower, then you do it in a way in which you are most comfortable.

This!!!!!

bubblylove · January 2019

If I were you I would offer to host an intimate shower with X guests at your house, which would be at your expense. If she declines for something larger then someone else can pay.

Who is or who did pay/host your bridal shower?

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