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Lavish Gift Giving to Children (a bit of a long rant)

thealphabridethealphabride
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in Second Weddings

I just found out that my Husband's EX wife spent $800 bucks on their only child for Christmas. My hubby always lets her do the shopping and he pays half. He about flipped when he heard the price tag and refused to pay half, but he is paying $300 without complaint, on top of the nearly 1K per month child support he pays and pays with honor and never never complains about supporting his son...... one of the many reasons I love him.

My son's father is MIA at Christmas as usual and rarely gives me any money to support him. 

MY Step son has always been spoiled rotten with the material things of life. He wears designer clothes, and shoes, was given a car when he turned 16, (his parents pay the insurance bill) has every new electronic phone, computer, gaming device, games and gadgets. When a new phone comes out he has to have it, If he doesn't like it he gets a new one. It's always his mom that buys it for him. My hubby refused to and refuses the data package too.  The kid has barely worked a day in his life, he's 17. And when he did he complained about it. Granted it's hard to find a job as a teen when many adults are out of work. I know he has responsibilities at his mothers house as far as keeping his room spotless and cleaning up after himself and she makes him do volunteer work every summer. My hubby gives him no responsibilities. He also is expected to make well ABOVE AVERAGE GRADES in school and he does.

He's not my kid and I have always stayed out of their business with him. I don't parent him in any way because he has 2 perfectly great parents, but I think they give him too much. How will he get along as an adult when he has been given to lavishly all his life?? I don't say anything ever, not my business, not my responsibility.

But I grew up dirt poor with nothing, scrapped my way to the top of my career,
and I value the dollar. My son always has a nice Christmas, but never $800 + nice.
When my hubby and I had been together for a quite a few years, I was at his house on Christmas and he brought a pile of gifts out for me. His son had to leave the room and stated " he couldn't watch this" I knew it meant he was very jealous his dad was giving me gifts. This was after he got everything his little heart desired for Christmas.  I never had gotten gifts for many many years as my sons father is a douche bag. My hubby always takes my son to get me a gift and did so every year before we were married. I would get something small here and there, but I don't really care. My most cherished Christmas gift ever was my engagement ring.

I try to  use  teaching moments with my son when he gets jealous of all of his step brothers "stuff" I tell my son he will know how to get along well as an adult, and not take things for granted. He also is quite charming and knows how to speak with people because he is socialized, unlike his stepbrother who always has his face straight in an electronic gadget. 

I don't agree with it, and my eyebrows went way up when I found out the price tag for his Christmas. That is just from his parents, not all the other family members that will be giving him stuff and money. 

Rant over.  Comments welcome.

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Re: Lavish Gift Giving to Children (a bit of a long rant)

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    MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    Name Dropper 5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Alpha I don't blame you for the rant it sounds to me like you SS is a spoiled rotten brat and he will be a rotten adult.  It's too bad that the parents give him so much it must be out of guilt.  However they need to stop or he will not learn how to survive on his own. 
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    ichellemay1ichellemay1
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_lavish-gift-giving-children-bit-of-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:33dd2f9b-ace4-45e1-a06b-4fd3b203569bPost:97f75a82-22a2-4b44-925e-647f63f8517c">Re: Lavish Gift Giving to Children (a bit of a long rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Alpha I don't blame you for the rant it sounds to me like you SS is a spoiled rotten brat and he will be a rotten adult.  It's too bad that the parents give him so much it must be out of guilt.  However they need to stop or he will not learn how to survive on his own. 
    Posted by MikesAngie[/QUOTE]

    This.
    Anniversary
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    Marrin713Marrin713 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    My own son is a perfect example of what happens to "spoiled."  They stay spoiled and they have unrealistic views of the world.  He's now finding this out the hard way at 28.  I admit my hand in the spoiling.  His dad was always so very tough on him and I would bend over backwards for him (son).  And when xH wasn't being harsh, he was ignoring him.  I'm seeing the mistakes I made and to try and undo them at now is nearly impossible.
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    autumnbreeze26autumnbreeze26
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with you, Alpha. My son is not spoiled but literally every single one of his friends are. It's so hard because he's always asking me for things because his friends have them. A perfect example is a cell phone. My son is only 12 and in 7th grade. When he was in 5th grade, just about every kid in his class had a cell. I do not see the need for any child in 5th grade or even at the age of 12 to have a cell. I'm sure there are extreme circumstances, but not for them to have one "just because".

    Anyway, like you, I try to teach my son that he has to earn things and that material things don't make you who you are. But again, it's so hard when it seems like you're competing with parents who spoil their kids like there's no tomorrow.

    Keep doing what you're doing with your son. It sounds like you're doing a great job. I'm sure he'll be a better person for it! Laughing
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    redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't give up on him as a spoiled brat yet. I nannied for years in NJ/NY and felt the same way about the kids. The oldest two are now 24 and 26. They have grown up to be very hard working, well mannered, amazing young adults. They were very spoiled materialistically but also expected to excel at school. Peer pressure does a lot to curb kids from being too horrible. (for most anyway) If his parents expect him to do well in school, then I am sure college is a must. He will learn eventually when he has to buy his own stuff. And depending on what career he goes into he will have to learn some social skills to get along.
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    handfast4mehandfast4me member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've started and stopped, and restarted a reply to this three times now.  I have been very fortunate that I've been able to give my daughter a lot.  She received a car (it was used, but still. . . ) on her High School graduation.  I paid for part of her schooling (she was on academic scholarship up until her last semester) while she got her BS.  I gaver her whatever I could: toys, clothes, whatever.  My sister is the same way with her twins, who are now in college.  But I wouldn't call any of them spoiled.  I'm not sure that "spoiled" even exists. (I don't believe babies are "spoiled" when they get picked up when crying--the studies show they're more well adjusted, but that's another discussion, and why I don't like the word "spoiled.")

     I think it's a value system.  I certainly don't expect my daughter to kiss my feet when I give her things, but I do want her to know the hard work that's gone into acquiring these things, and I believe she knows that, as do her cousins (my sister's twins).  

    On the other side of the family, my xh, they don't have as much as my side does/did.  It's sad, but that's just the way it is.  And every one of my daughter's cousins on that side is a selfish brat.  They're mostly grown, but they're just self-centered and don't understand a lot about life.  They drink to excess, some use drugs, etc.

    All that to say that just having material things isn't the entire picture here, it's how one treats others in the world, and how they value their own accomplishments and those things given to them that counts. 
    image Don't mess with the old dogs; age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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    Lisa50Lisa50 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I understand your rant ... as a Tae Kwon Do instructor, I run across kids like you've described every day.  And, I run across those who appreciate everything they have been given.

    We all know raising kids is tricky, what motivates or appropriately rewards one kid can spoil another.  My parents were both raised in rural/country settings with not much more than "a pot to piss in."  They worked hard and gave me and my siblings much more than they ever had growing up.  At the same time, they taught me the difference between needs and wants.  I was thankful and appreciative and remain very grateful to this very day.  I am certain some would say I was spoiled.

    I have worked hard to do the best I can for my son.  I am giving him the best education available, of which he is making the best.  It's college application season and so far, so good.  He's been earning his own money since he was 12, so he's worked to get much of his own "stuff."  If I had more resources, I'd likely have given him more.  Does that mean I am spoiling him?  Maybe.  I don't know. 

    I'd like to think that, by teaching him the difference between right and wrong, needs and wants, and showing him that nothing is earned without hard work, he's off to a good start.  He leaves for college in 8 months.  I think he's going to be okay.

    You can only raise your kid as you see fit.  I am sure you're doing a great job.  Hang in there!!

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    red1115red1115
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    IMO, I think there's a case to be made about excessive spoiling as a form of emotional abuse.  It seems to be the financial equivalent of foot binding - if you keep a child from achieving anything on their own, they'll forever be dependent on you (their parent) and you'll never be alone.  When we negatively impact our children's lives to sooth our own emotional shortcomings we do them (and ourselves) a disservice.  God forbid any adults doing this find themselves laid off or financially compromised!  A bad economy can wreck havoc in ways not measured by the media...

    alpha - rest assured that your son will grow to be an appreciative and productive member of our society and no one will care what label is on his shoes!
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    thealphabridethealphabride
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Great comments everyone.

    RED: love your siggy pic and your comments. I am trying to raise my son to be an independent man and he wants to be a Marine!
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    Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've loved reading this thread! So many different experiences and impressions.

    I raised my now 23 y/o son alone, with a steady support check from his father who he has only seen once in his life. My parents helped by watching him on select days when he was younger. Because I am an only child, he and my daughter are their only grandchildren. I've tried to walk a fine line between giving them things when they are age appropriate (cell phones waited until they were in HS) and more importantly, when I could afford them. I pay all my expenses alone, and my daughter's dad contributes a nominal sum weekly, and shares in big expenses like her soccer camps. 

    I believe they are growing up knowing they are the most important things in my life, and that when I can afford it, I will provide them with material objects. But they also hear "no" a LOT, my daughter more now that she is 16, and my son lives on his own in DC while attending grad school.

    Luckily we live in a middle class suburb of Detroit, older homes, so most of their friends are in similar financial situations. This will not change when we marry, because my fiance will move here.

    I don't form opinions on how others handle their kids, because I believe deep down each parent does what they think is best. I just look at my own kids and try to remember each and every day what Jackie Kennedy Onassis said: "If I do nothing else right in my life, I will raise my children well". The good news is that as they have gotten older, they have realized that yes, Mom is trying really hard to be fair, juggling all things as best she can, both emotionally and financially. The bad news is that I still have to say "no" a bit too much, but I think for them it makes the "yes" responses a bit sweeter.
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    kittylabrokkittylabrok member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_lavish-gift-giving-children-bit-of-long-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:33dd2f9b-ace4-45e1-a06b-4fd3b203569bPost:95e43411-6399-41f6-aab5-adde077c4e47">Re: Lavish Gift Giving to Children (a bit of a long rant)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Great comments everyone. RED: love your siggy pic and your comments. I am trying to raise my son to be an <em>independent man and he wants to be a Marine</em>!
    Posted by thealphabride[/QUOTE]

    I raised my only son and three daughters by myself and I worried so that he didn't have a good male role model.  Well, he did become a Marine!!  Despite being raised in a family of all girls.
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    rapunnzzllrapunnzzll
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Such wisdom shown in these posts.  I too believe it is the in the values and morals of what we teach our children that they learn how to handle the material things.  For those that get everythng they want, but are never taught to appreciate it and be thankful for it, most come to expect it.  Parents do a huge disservice to their children by doing this.  These children never learn how to be truly independent.

    Alphabride, you seem to be handling this issue with your son well.  When he is an adult, there will be a day that he tells you how much he learned from the way you handled this. 
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