Military Brides

Getting married before deploying? Need advice.

My FI and I find ourselves in a bit of a difficult situation.

 

My FI is in the army and has already served one tour in Iraq. The possibility of his unit deploying in early 2011 had creeping up on us a few months before we got engaged this past December. Before we got engaged, we discussed what we would do if he did have to deploy, and we decided that we would want to get married first. We didn’t make any decisions about whether this would be a simple legal marriage or a full-scale wedding. If he did not deploy, we agreed to wait until I graduate college (2013) to get married, for simplicity’s sake.

 

Well, now it’s looking almost certain that his unit will be deploying to Afghanistan in early 2011. We talked about it, and since we have reasonable amount of time to plan a wedding without being too rushed, we want to get married in December 2010.

The problem is how to explain this to my parents. When we got engaged, they said that they would prefer for us to wait until after I graduate to get married. (I did explain to them that if my FI was ever going to deploy before then, we would want to get married.) We’re not worried about money. I respect my parents a lot and just want their approval, but I’m worried they will think we’re getting ahead of ourselves. They will probably be fine with a simple legal marriage, but I’m not sure about how they’ll handle the idea of a wedding. My FI’s parents are very supportive of our plans though.

 

Any advice on what to do? Wedding? No wedding? What to tell my parents?

 

TL;DR - FI likely deploying in early 2011. We want to get married before then. Worried about my parent's approval because I'm still in college.

Re: Getting married before deploying? Need advice.

  • edited December 2011
    could you do a simple, backyard wedding or something maybe? i know a bunch of people who have done just the courthouse ceremony before he deployed, or during r&r.
  • edited December 2011
    Frankly, I feel that if you are old enough to get married, you are hold enough to handle your parents reaction - positive or negative. I completely understand wanting their approval, but what if they don't give it? However, this is ultimately you and your FI's decision. I don't think there are any magic words that will make them understand and support y'all.

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  • edited December 2011

    I understand where you are coming from.  My FI is in the Army and we were planning on getting married and were talking about the engagement, then we got his orders that will send him to Germany for 3 years.  So, if I wanted to go with him, we had to push up all the plans.  We were both fine with this, and so were his parents.  My parents were furious.  They felt I would be giving up my education (I have both a BS and MS) just to be a stay at home wife.  So, we came to a compromise.  Now my parents are happy and I am getting married in May (though we did the JOP in January for the paperwork).  Try talking to your parents.  They may or may not accept it, but in the end you are an adult.  Explain the benefits of being married while he is deployed (separation pay, etc.) and see why they are against it.  Is it just graduation?  Plus, he will be gone for at least 12 months, so I don't see why that would interfere with school.  All you can do is talk to them.  From there, you need to make the decision that is best for both you and your FI.

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  • hh581842hh581842 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think just do a JOP wedding and then plan the big wedding after he gets back.  Then, you get all the benefits of being married (extra pay for him, access to the base), but you can take your time to plan the real wedding and reception, and if you think it will interfere with school, you can still wait until after you graduate to plan and get "married."  I feel that way though simply because I would want to take my time and enjoy being engaged and the planning process itself.  Plus, when I was in school, i committed a lot of time to my schoolwork, and planning a wedding would definitely have interfered. But if it's only your parents that are holding you back, i think you should do what you ultimately want to do, and not worry about your parents.  Like PP said, if you're old enough to get married, you are old enough to make your own decisions.  If your parents are paying though, it could be awkward. So again, I think the JOP wedding with a big ceremony and reception later is a good compromise.
  • edited December 2011
    How is that a good ocmpromise? If the parents are against getting married - and not the wedding - the JOP still doesn't work for them. JOP = married, legally.

    BFP 02/2010 m/c 03/17/2010 dx PCOS 04/2010
    BFP 08/13/2011 CP 08/15/2011
    BFP 09/16/2011 EDD 05/20/2012
    Claire Elizabeth, born 5/30 via a med free birth Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • edited December 2011

         You have a year.. I think that is a reasonably long engagement and enough time for your parents to get used to the idea. Seriously, if they didn't like it, aren't you still going to do it anyways. You're an adult.
         I'm a junior in college, and we got married before I graduated because he is deploying also. Neither of our parents cared because I am obviously not going to drop out of school. I hate the whole courthouse wedding things and reception later which is common with military relationships. Do your wedding right the first time (within your budget).

  • kaynix21kaynix21 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Kristina. If you are old enough to get married, great. Maybe plan your wedding for 2011, a few months before deployment o before predeployment training. Dates are always tricky. But that's still a year away and IDK how long you've been engaged....but if you've been engaged for awhile, there you go.

    A year is a decent engagement. Yes, it'd be nice to finish school first in the grand scheme of things IMO but you'll still finish. Just tell your parents when you want. They might be upset at first, maybe, but they'll want you to be happy in the end.

    As to the what kind of wedding, it's up to you. 2011 is still nine months away so you could plan a very nice wedding in that time, easily. Or do something small or JOP. Whatever you and your FI want really.
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  • hh581842hh581842 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Eskamo--this is what OP said:
    [QUOTE] They will probably be fine with a simple legal marriage, but I’m not sure about how they’ll handle the idea of a wedding. My FI’s parents are very supportive of our plans though.  [/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div><span style="font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">So they would be ok with a JOP but are against the idea of a whole huge wedding.  So I say it's a compromise to do the JOP now, and plan the big wedding later.  She gets to be married now, and can plan the big celebration later, at a time when the parents approve.
    </span></div>
  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    You're a Freshman in college, and unless you're like me and ran off to travel abroad for a while before going to school, you're 18/19 years old. A deployment is no reason to rush a marriage, which is what you're doing, not just rushing a wedding. Go through a deployment, get through a couple years of college even. If it's meant to be, it'll be even through a deployment. Will you guys net less money not being married? Yeah. But, trust me, it's worth it. There's a reason senior enlisted Soldiers tell their young juniors to wait, to go through a deployment before getting married.
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  • hh581842hh581842 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Despite my earlier advice, i have to agree with PP WIshICould.  Going through a deployment before you get married is a really really good idea.  Deployments are tough, and a military life isn't for everyone, but I think a lot of people don't realize that until they're actually going through a deployment. I'm not saying that you wouldn't make it anyway, but going through that major test to your relationship will tell you a lot about each other, and the relationship itself. 
  • edited December 2011
    What about a simple wedding before he leaves and then you can have a blessing and a bigger reception after you graduate and he returns...something to look forward to....I know how lonely it can be when the other half is deployed without you....
  • Beachy730Beachy730 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011

    My FI and I had the same plan, and now with us moving across country and finding out he would be deployed sooner, we bumped our wedding up from December to July.  It was only 5 months sooner, but only left us with about 5 months to plan it.  However we have had no problems booking anything (we are having a Friday wedding, which helps with availability).  We have a big wedding planned, but still may have to go the JOP beforehand to make sure all the paperwork goes through before we move and he is deployed.

    We had talked about it even before getting engaged, and said that we would be married before he was deployed so that we could get the benefits and I would have access to the base and other things.  One of the most important things though was the security of knowing that if, God forbid, anything should happen to him I would be the person to make the decisions and also that I would be taken care of.  It's not an easy thing to accept, but its a reality we have to deal with.

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  • edited December 2011
    I also agree with WIshICould and HH581842. I definitely think you should wait to have the wedding until after your FI is back from deployment. It will give you more time to plan and something to look forward too! Also, a deployment is definitely not a reason to rush into a marriage.Going through a deployment will be a good test for your relationship...I am sure the two of you will be fine :)
  • rel611rel611 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    For what's it worth...

    I think you should go ahead and get married. Especially if you're both ready to be married. My fiance and I got engaged in January and were planning a wedding for April 2011. However, the Army changed his deployment from 6 months to 1 year and he will now be leaving in July instead of August. We have decided that since we are both ready to be married and want to start a family when he returns, we are having a small, private ceremony for our families this sumemr b/f he goes and when he returns doing a much bigger one to renew our vows.

    If you and your fiance have discussed both options, and are happy with your decision then I say go for it! Have your wedding before he goes. As his wife, you'll be much more informed of things as well than just being a fiance.

    Hope this helps.
  • edited December 2011
    Sorry for abandoning this thread and returning just now.

    Some other issues have come up that are pushing us to get married sooner. (Long story, I don't even want to get into that.) Anywho, we are planning on doing a JOP wedding in late May. We talked to my family and they are supportive. 

    Now the biggest issue is this health insurance nightmare. I'm currently on my parent's insurance, which will obviously be over once we get married. We've been reading up on Tricare and figuring out what is/isn't covered for me. There are a few difficulties, but hopefully we can get it all worked out. Ah, the lovely things about marriage they don't tell you about. 
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