Scared to death

justineanni · February 2012

Let me start this off by saying that I love my FI with all my heart.
My problem is that I am scared to get remarried.
I was married in Nov.2001 and got divorced in Sept. 2011. He was married in Nov, 2003 and divorced in Nov 2011. We got engaged while we were waiting for both of our divorces to finalize. He wants to get married soon and I am too scared to. I am not 100% sure why either. I do want to get remarried some day, but not any time soon. I don't know how to explain this to FI. I have tried and he gets all upset and hurt because he says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and can't wait for me to be his wife. He doesn't understand why I am having issues with getting remarried so soon.

renjon7798 · February 2012

If you're not ready to get married again, don't do it! Don't let him bully you into it either. I don't know what happened in your first marriage but I know I met my FI before my divorce was final and it freaked me out. I had a lot of unresloved trust issues from my ex and I didn't want that to carry over to my FI. I was already in counseling for my children so I started working on myself to help overcome my trust issues. My FI and I have gone to a few sessions together as he has some things to discuss too. It has really helped our relationship. Is this something you would consider?

awayagain · February 2012

If he doesn't understand, and wants you to rush into something that makes you this uncomfortable, then he is not the man for you.
It's way too soon for EITHER of you to be considering marriage.

justineanni · February 2012

I would consider counceling. I am just not sure of the costs. Money is tight. I have 5 children and he has 3. So most of our money goes into the household.

right1thistime · February 2012

If you are not ready, you are not ready. And having him pressure/ push you into getting married quickly is not a good sign. With 8 children between you, I doubt that either of you hear a biological clock ticking, although I could be wrong. There is really no rush, right?

Since I don't know your story, I can't come up with why you are even considering going against your gut. Or why your Fi is in such a rush.

Hold your ground. YOU are worth waiting for. This is really really fast to be moving forward, and red flags are not in fashion this season. ~Donna

justineanni · February 2012

No. There is no biological clock ticking I had my tubes tied after my fifth baby. He says that he wants me as his wife as soon as possible. I on the other hand want to let the dust settle from our divorces and move on from there. I know that I have some issues with my previous marriage and how it ended that I need to work through. I kinda feel betrayed by my ex for getting another woman pregnant while we were married but seperated if that makes any sense. I know that I have trust issues and I also have a control issue. Its like I have been given my life back and now someone wants to take it away again. My ex was controlling and I don't want that again.

Lisa50 · February 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_scared-to-death?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:777b384e-9d8c-479a-8e25-fd09fd31ea3aPost:8f57e627-12d1-4337-8ce2-09d5f2e0d16f">Re: Scared to death</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are not ready, you are not ready. And having him pressure/ push you into getting married quickly is not a good sign. With 8 children between you, I doubt that either of you hear a biological clock ticking, although I could be wrong. There is really no rush, right? Since I don't know your story, I can't come up with why you are even considering going against your gut. Or why your Fi is in such a rush. Hold your ground. YOU are worth waiting for. This is really really fast to be moving forward, and red flags are not in fashion this season. ~Donna
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

Donna is spot on. There is no rush. Keep listening to your gut; go with your feelings. You will be okay. Hang in there!

right1thistime · February 2012

Try this, "Fi, I want you to know that I love you with every ounce of my being. I want to spend my life with you, and I wish we could have had all those years that we wasted with other people together. Right now, I need your help. I am not feeling trusting in myself as far as heading into a marriage again. It is not that I want the opportunity to be with other men, I feel confident that you are the only one for me. It is just that right now, I am still wounded from the separation and divorce. I need time to heal, to grow a bit and to get my feet firmly underneath me. I know that you are already there, and you are anxious to get married. I do not feel that, considering the way I feel about myself right now, it would be fair to you to agree to get married right now. I will keep you informed, keep talking with you about how I am doing, and I will marry you in a heartbeat once I feel ready. Can you please be patient with me?"

~Donna

Sue-n-Kevin · February 2012

I totally agree with Donna's advice. A legal contract is nothing to rush into, especially if there are 8 children involved.

The cynic in me says run away as fast you can.........the romantic in my says it might be the right person, but there is nothing wrong with dating for a LONG time before marriage. Between us my now hubby and I have 5 kids, 3 are adults and don't live near us, my daughter lives with us, and his youngest daughter lives in his old home. Trust me, marriage is WAAAAAYYY to complicated between two people before adding 8 kids.

You may not be able to afford counseling, but the advice here is free.

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