Priest gave us specific requirements for us to choose the maid of honor and best man

ivelissed · May 2010

My priest said that the maid of honor and best man need to be a married catholic couple who does not belong to any of our families. The priest says that these are the people that we will ask for advice during the rough times of marriage.

Out of the people in our A list there's only one couple who meets this requirement. Though, neither one of us is close enough to them to give them this title which is so important and are not the type of people I go to for relationship advice. Plus, they're not dumb, they'll know I picked them because it was a requirement.

I got other 2 couples on our B list, who meet that requirement and whom have given us relationship advice, mostly because they have been our mentors in other areas of our lives. I would think that these people would be a better choice than the first couple considering what the priest says would be their "dutties" but, we have them on our B list! I feel like I'll be giving a very important part of my wedding to someone that might not have been invited otherwise!

I'm really confused! Any advice?

Femlin · May 2010

My advice would be to choose a different priest, but I doubt that's a viable option for you.

You're stuck unless you want to try and pretend that the actual people you want for your MOH and BM are a married, unrelated catholic couple.

It's unfortunate that your priest put these "requirements" on you like this. Really lame.

trix1223 · May 2010

Let me start by saying that I'm not Catholic. I am a member of and work in a mainline protestant denomination. So I don't mean this to be insulting to my Catholic WPB friends.

Having said that, I think the priest is wrong. MOH and BM are purely, 100% ceremonial positions. I think that making the MOH and BM make a commitment like what the priest is asking for is ridiculous.

If I were asked to be a MOH with these caveats, I'd decline the "honor". Because I'm not signing on to be anyone's marriage mentor or counselor.

I'd find a different priest.

suz62984 · May 2010

I really don't believe in having requirements for this. The priest said that you would ask them for advice. Well if you aren't close enough with this couple to ask advice than they don't meet the "requirements." Maybe a religious ceremony doesn't fit your wedding after all. If you can't have the people who are closest to you in your wedding party don't throw in someone who you aren't close with just to appease the priest!

CTGirl30 · May 2010

I've never heard of anythign like this before but then again, I will say that I am not an actively practicing Catholic. That seems very strict and a little out of touch with reality. MOH and BM are not your marriage counselars - they are your closest friends - yours and your FIs, respectively. Most people ask their dearest friends...this is actually the first time I've heard of anything this strict!

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2010

Um, no. It's not like you're choosing your baby's godparents who promise to raise the child in the church. The MOH and BM should be people YOU choose because you're close to them, not because of their religion and counseling abilities.

ETA: and I know that's terrible wording about the godparents. You get to choose them as well but there does seem to be a bit more "stipulation" on GPs because of the religion. At least in my familiarity.

mbcdefg · May 2010

I have never heard of that before. And I've attended a ton of Catholic weddings and have never before seen a married couple act as Best Man and MOH. I know that different parishes/priests have their own rules, but this is a new one to me.

Our priest asked us if our Best Man and MOH were Catholic, which they are ... but they each have their own significant other, and no mention was ever made of the honor attendants being a married couple. I can understand them wanting at least one of your official witnesses to be Catholic, but I can't understand how they can justify making you have a married couple as your honor attendants. That really limits the pool of contenders for most couples, especially since he also said that they can't be family members. DH and I were the first ones of our friends to marry, and very few of our friends are practicing Catholics, so WTF were we supposed to do if we married in your church? Weird.

I would personally talk to your priest and ask if he really means that it's required, or is he simply encouraging it? Perhaps he just means to look to a married Catholic couple as mentors, which I think is understandable. But requiring them to be BM and MOH? That's really odd. I would also ask on the Catholic Brides board if anyone's ever heard of this.

If he insists that your Best Man and MOH must be a married Catholic couple ... then I would really sit down and think this over. I totally understand you not wanting to give two random people the titles just for the sake of fulfilling some weird requirement. If it's truly mandatory, hopefully you can find a way to fulfill it without offending anyone - maybe not name a Best Man and MOH at all, and have the married Catholic couple as the church witnesses but have your closest friends do the toasts and such. I am sure that many friends would understand that some churches have odd rules, if there's honestly no way that you can get around this.

I also agree with those who said that, unless you have super-strong ties to this church, to find a new church.

Sorry. This is a weird situation and I feel for you.

Celles · May 2010

Would your priest actually refuse to marry you if you told him -- politely and respectfully -- that you don't have any close friends who are also a married Catholic couple and would prefer to have your best friend and his older brother (for example) stand up for you? If so, that's kind of crazy.

The Mel and Todd Show · May 2010

I believe your priest is talking out of his ass. I had a Catholic wedding for my first go around, and my priest made no requirements of our honor attendants, or any others. Some faiths include the honor attendants in the ceremony...it is not so with the Catholic faith. I would talk to him about it again, perhaps he was suggesting but not mandating? And if he is mandating, I would explain to him that you don't feel comfortable giving the distinction of honor attendant to a couple simply because your faiths coincide, and ask him what he suggests that you do. (It might not hurt to ask him to point you toward the scripture which requires this. It doesn't exist).

aerinpegadrak · May 2010

I didn't have a Catholic wedding, but my sister did. Our older sister was the MOH, his brother was the BM. I've never, ever heard of this requirement.

I think your options are:
1) Not name a MOH/BM at all and give the ceremonial honors of those positions to whomever you would prefer to name
2) Find a priest who isn't crazy

Licia&Wayne · May 2010

I actually think this may have been a really old tradition. It's making my Catholic senses (akin to my Spider senses) go crazy, but I can't really place why. I may just be talking out of my butt, but I think this may have been something of ye olde catholicism. Is your priest a super-traditional guy or did this just come out of the blue?

I agree with the PP. I think I would just speak to him about whether that was just his suggestion or an actual requirement. If he says requirement, that's total bunk, and I would look into finding a new priest. Does the church have a deacon that you could have officiate? That will mean your ceremony won't be a full Mass (so no communion) but you wouldn't have to deal with Crazy McPriestenstein.

banana468 · May 2010

I'm going to have to echo PPs.

Our BM happens to be a church leader (we are Catholic as is he), but I think you need to talk to your priest.

My husband's family is VERY Catholic and in all of the weddings that we've attended (and there have been many), in NOT ONE of them were the MOH and BM married - and we're talking about people who attend Mass DAILY.

Quite frankly, I'd ask around on your local and through the diocese to see if you have other possibilities.

SarahPLiz · May 2010

The only way I can see this is if its an Orthodox ceremony and they those positions are usually the godparents of your children, etc. I forget the name of the position, but its the same thing.

If he says that's they way it has to be, then don't designate anyone as MOH or BM.

megk8oz · May 2010

I'm Catholic, did not have a Catholic wedding (Married a Buddhist), but my mom and grandmother both got married in the Catholic church for their first weddings, and both of the MOH's and BMs were single when they got married. If I remember correctly, my grandmother's MOH wasn't even Catholic (And this was a wedding that took place back in the 50s).

I know when babies get baptized Catholic, most churches want the god parents to be confirmed Catholics because they're accepting the responsibility of ensuring that the child will have a good religious upbringing.

I've also never heard of the BM and MOH being the people you look to when you're experiencing marital troubles. Considering that my MOH has never been in a serious relationship, and our BM is going to end up either divorce or stabbed in his sleep for leaving the toilet seat up, I think I'll take my chances on consulting happily married people, regardless of their religion, lol.

...

Now that I think about it, I don't think I even know 2 un-related people that got married in the Catholic church. I suppose in your shoes, I'd have to take out an ad on Craig's List.

megandjay · May 2010

That is odd. We have a best woman and a MOH, our priest said that the witnesses have to be a man and a woman (Catholic)- so one of the groomsmen is going to witness with the MOH (just signing the papers). So maybe your priest is referring to the witnesses? All they have to do is sign the marital papers for the Church. I would meet with him again and try to clarify this.

rainedrop6 · May 2010

I would tell my Priest, "If my husband and I have issues we need advice or counseling for, we will come to you. My MOH will be my sister and FI's BM will be his best friend" (or whatever your situation is). I would not back down on this issue. I think you'll regret having 2 B list guests as your honor attendants.

ivelissed · May 2010

Well, since you mention the analogy with the baptism godparents... this would be a Puerto Rican wedding and we call the MOH and BM the godparents of the wedding so that could explain it a bit.
I've always heard of traditionally that in our culture the MOH and and BM are people who are married, but not necessarily to each other. What usuallly happens is that they pic a "godmother" and "godfather" which are the older people and then there are the bridesmaids and groomsmen with whom you may or may not make a distinction to those who might be your closests friends.

Though, I've never heard of it being a requirement to have it that way so I wasn't planning on it. I had already asked my single, yet catholic, sister to be my MOH or godmother and she had said yes. And no this is not a thing that is done on every catholic church, I've been to many weddings that do not apply this rule or even the tradition of the godmother and godfather to be married people(which when is applied it is usually because it was enforced by one of the parents). My priest said that this is a "new rule" that this particular church has but that every priest has their own choice.

What's frustrating is that he's not even the priest of the church that I attend to, he's the former priest, but the new priest barely knows me because he's new, so I asked this priest who knows me since I was seven because I thought it would be special, but he's really complicating everything so much it makes it quite frustrating!

banana468 · May 2010

Then perhaps you can talk one on one with the new priest?

ivelissed · May 2010

plus I've never heard of the "non related" thing. almost always they're related. ugh!!! :-( Thanks for your advice... I'll talk to him again in a couple of weeks...

[Deleted User] · May 2010

I have never heard of that either. Our priest is very strict and traditional and he never once brought that up. I agree with the other girls, I would call him on it nicely. It is probably only for the marriage certificate and those people don't have to be Catholic, although it is nice if they are. I can't see why he would want you to call this couple in troubling times, isn't that what the priest is supossed to be there for, or at least one of the many things they do?

MsSirius · May 2010

I come from a very catholic Puerto Rican family and have never heard anything like this. It sounds like an old tradition. When my aunt got married years go she picked her best friend as her MOH and the BM was my uncle's best friend. I would definitely talk to your priest about the requirements he gave you. You should be able to pick whom ever you want to stand up for you.

margoam · May 2010

I've never heard of that tradition. I am Catholic and I am having a Catholic priest perform our ceremony. I have never heard of this requirement. Perhaps try explaining to your priest that this is not a viable option for you. If not, maybe try another priest or another church. I'm sorry your priest put you in this position.

April McKenzie · May 2010

I'm originally from Puerto Rico too and I think it's more of a cultural tradition than a strictly religious one. The way it's usually done at Catholic weddings there (and even many Protestant weddings) is to have a married couple serve as best man and matron of honor. They aren't necessarily the bride and groom's best friends. Sometimes they can just be friends of the family who seem to have an exemplary marriage.

That said, most priests aren't as strict about this because it's not as if the Vatican requires it. Is there any chance that your priest will change his mind if you explain the situation? If not, it may be worth talking with the new priest to see what he says.

Priest gave us specific requirements for us to choose the maid of honor and best man

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