MOG problem

asianeyes423 · September 2010

My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves and really want to keep it small with max of 70 people. It's not just that we're paying for it, but because we both want a smaller affair surrounded by the people that we love and love us. His mother has different ideas though.... She has been complaining to me nonstop about almost everything - the officiant (which we haven't even chosen), the venue (again haven't chosen yet), the food, the guest list.... When my FI were trying to figure out the guest list we sat down and wrote down who we wanted and left her with 6 spots to fill as she chose that she did already. The main members of his family were already invited - his grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins. She drops in our laps while we were at a venue and doing a tasting in front of us, my matron of honor, a groomsman, and the event manager and chef that we have to add 4 more people to our guest list. I don't know these people or ever met these people. They are 2nd cousins to my FI that he hasn't seen or spoken to in over 3 years. He doesn't like them either. I thought that it was rude since she didn't ask or even care to find an appropiate time to bring it up. I didn't like what she did or how she did it, and my biggest problems is that I don't want to introduce myself to my guests for the first time at my own wedding. My FI felt the same way about the whole situation and I just don't know how to not so harshly tell her no. Her defence is that "they know about the wedding" - just because people know doesn't mean they need to be invited, IMO, otherwise I need to invite everyone here on theknot.com

AutumnFair · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_mog-problem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:602eff2a-1991-4f5c-bf04-91e7c25f3d9cPost:b2e27913-2749-48cc-baf3-a2a0669f8af5">MOG problem</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are paying for our wedding ourselves and really want to keep it small with max of 70 people. It's not just that we're paying for it, but because we both want a smaller affair surrounded by the people that we love and love us. His mother has different ideas though.... She has been complaining to me nonstop about almost everything - the officiant (which we haven't even chosen), the venue (again haven't chosen yet), the food, the guest list.... When my FI were trying to figure out the guest list we sat down and wrote down who we wanted and left her with 6 spots to fill as she chose that she did already. The main members of his family were already invited - his grandmother, aunts, uncles, and cousins. She drops in our laps while we were at a venue and doing a tasting in front of us, my matron of honor, a groomsman, and the event manager and chef that we have to add 4 more people to our guest list. I don't know these people or ever met these people. They are 2nd cousins to my FI that he hasn't seen or spoken to in over 3 years. He doesn't like them either. I thought that it was rude since she didn't ask or even care to find an appropiate time to bring it up. I didn't like what she did or how she did it, and my biggest problems is that I don't want to introduce myself to my guests for the first time at my own wedding. My FI felt the same way about the whole situation and I just don't know how to not so harshly tell her no. Her defence is that "they know about the wedding" - just because people know doesn't mean they need to be invited, IMO, otherwise I need to invite everyone here on theknot.com
Posted by asianeyes423[/QUOTE]

<div>This is your FI job to deal with HIS mother. You guys did great on figuring out how you want your guest list to be and now its up to HIM to stand up and be firm to his mother that she only gets X number of people and if she gives you more than that then you two will be cutting her list for her. Also he needs to explain that any verbal inviting will not be tolerated and that it will be up to her to correct her mistake to the people she is telling because those people will not be getting an invite and it will make her look bad. Remember this is his mother and when bigger issues like this arise its up to HIM to neutralize the situation by standing up to her.</div><div>
</div><div>As for her commenting on everything, its time to learn the "bean dip" technique and when she brings something up to give a simple answer and change the subject. If she doesn't let up, do the simple answer, bean dip and then leave the area (or hang up).</div>

Muffin'sMom · September 2010

My daughter was married last year. I sing with a group of 65 women, work with an office of 15, and have 380 roughly friends on Facebook...and that is just the beginning. Every single one of them knew my daughter was getting married. Heck I'm pretty sure that they were tired of hearing about it.

Obviously, they were not all invited to the wedding...mostly because my husband and I are not independently wealthy, nor have we won the lottery. All of these people I know understand that. Other than family, I was able to invite the 20 of these women that were the closest to me. Were there other people I would have liked to invite? Sure, but that was not in the plan or the budget.

You are paying. You have set the number that you are comfortable with. Don't engage with her on this. Smile sweetly, say that you AND your FI have made your decision and then change the subject. If she continues, your FI will have to sit down with her and let her know that you both are together on this and not changing your mind...and that if she values her relationship with him, she will let it go.

I say this all the time, but people act this way because they are allowed to get away with it. Be sweet, be kind, be loving, and say no. Otherwise, she will do the very same thing the NEXT time she wants her way...like when you have children.

MairePoppy · September 2010

Ditto Muffin'sMom
Don't take her criticisms personally. When when she starts up with the negative comments, tell her you don't want to discuss the subject. Leave or hang up, if necessary. She'll eventually get the message.

seasidebride24 · September 2010

I have a similar problem! My FMIL continues to insist that her list of 50 people cannot be cut, even though we only want between 65 and 70 people at the wedding. Not to mention, the venue we booked has a capacity of 80. She even told me that we should only invite family and any friends that we want to have there should be in the WP. The worst part was when she made my FI call her when I wasn't around to offer to take a second job to pay for HER guests, since my parents are paying for the wedding. I was horribly insulted when I found out because it felt like she thinks that my parents are able to invite all of their friends and it's only her guest list that gets cut. My FI and I ended up sitting down together and going over the total lists from each family and the list of friends and making the cuts based on our capacity. After that he told her that we have settled on the guest list and asked her not to bring it up again because it was OUR decision. GOOD LUCK!

tldh · September 2010

This isn't your problem. This is your FI's problem and he has to be the one to handle it. His mom is lucky she's getting any say at all in four guests. DH and I didn't offer that option to our families.

We came up with our guest list in one sitting that took about five minutes and no one was added afterwards. We wanted a small wedding and figured that if they didn't come immediately to mind, then their presence didn't mean that much to us.

As for everything else, stop talking to her about the plans. Unfortunately I had to do this with my own mother because if she wasn't suggesting something she had done at her wedding she was comparing my plans to my brother's (perfect) wedding last year.

Good Luck.

MOG problem

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