RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST

zvee · August 2012

I AM HAVING A DESTINATION WEDDING.....WE LIVE IN FL AND WE ARE DOING IT IN SAVANNAH, GA

WE LOVE OUR VENUE AND WANTED TO KEEP NUNBERS LOW IN ORDER TO NOT BREAK THE BANK..

OUR VENUE IS FOR ONLY 150. WE HAD ABOUT 180 ON OUR LIST (WHICH EVERYONE TOLD ME WOULD BE OK).... THAT IS UNTIL OUR FAMILIES CAME OT VISIT US AND WANTED US TO KEEP PUTTING PEOPLE ON THE LIST, SAYING OH THEY WON'T COME BUT IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU SENT ONE!!! SO NOW WE HAVE A LIST OF ABOUT 198 PEOPLE. I KNOW ALOT OF PEOPLE WILL SAY NO (VERY ELDERLY PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO JUST HAD BABIES AND LIVE FAR AWAY ETC) BUT I AM FREAKED OUT! I KEEP DREAMING ABOUT IT! I TOLD MY FIANCE I WILL ONLY INITIALLY SEND OUT 150 INVITES. THIS BEING SAID, OUR WEDDING IS JANURAY 19TH, 2013 BUT WHEN SHOULD I START SENDING OUT THE INITIAL 150 INVITES KNOWING THAT I WILL LIKELY BE SENDING MORE PEOPLE AFTER?

IS RSVP BY NOVE 1ST WAY TOO EARLY? OR WHEN SHOULD I DO IT? THANKS I NEED SOME HELP ASAP!

[Deleted User] · August 2012

First off, I probably wouldn't recommend doing an "A" and "B" list. That is, inviting some people, then inviting more when you get declines. It can come off as kind of rude to the people not selected first or those that you are replacing. I know there is a lot of temptation to assume that a lot of people won't come, but your best course of action is to invite what your venue can seat and what you can afford.

Generally, from what I've seen at least, invites are sent about between 6-8 prior to the wedding. But a lot of that will depend on when your venue needs your numbers. Mine needed final counts by June 1st for my June 11th wedding. I sent out my invites in the beginning of April and asked for an RSVP by May 15th (it gave me time to track down everyone who didn't send the card back! Definitely keep that in mind!). In all reality Nov. 1st does seem a bit early to be asking for RSVPs, but I would definitely send out save the dates ASAP regardless, especially since it's a destination wedding!

Anyways, hopefully that made sense! I've been awake for way to long at this point.

Congrats and happy planning!

thejucheidea · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_rsvp-when-to-send-when-you-have-an-a-and-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b5aff444-9dff-4e0d-bf0b-1c00da3cb441Post:fd96ada2-ca26-42b0-ad71-a2b1e2479d79">RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST</a>:
[QUOTE]I AM HAVING A DESTINATION WEDDING.....WE LIVE IN FL AND WE ARE DOING IT IN SAVANNAH, GA :) WE LOVE OUR VENUE AND WANTED TO KEEP NUNBERS LOW IN ORDER TO NOT BREAK THE BANK.. OUR VENUE IS FOR ONLY 150. WE HAD ABOUT 180 ON OUR LIST (WHICH EVERYONE TOLD ME WOULD BE OK).... THAT IS UNTIL OUR FAMILIES CAME OT VISIT US AND WANTED US TO KEEP PUTTING PEOPLE ON THE LIST, SAYING OH THEY WON'T COME BUT IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU SENT ONE!!! SO NOW WE HAVE A LIST OF ABOUT 198 PEOPLE. I KNOW ALOT OF PEOPLE WILL SAY NO (VERY ELDERLY PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO JUST HAD BABIES AND LIVE FAR AWAY ETC) BUT I AM FREAKED OUT! I KEEP DREAMING ABOUT IT! I TOLD MY FIANCE I WILL ONLY INITIALLY SEND OUT 150 INVITES. THIS BEING SAID, OUR WEDDING IS JANURAY 19TH, 2013 BUT WHEN SHOULD I START SENDING OUT THE INITIAL 150 INVITES KNOWING THAT I WILL LIKELY BE SENDING MORE PEOPLE AFTER? IS RSVP BY NOVE 1ST WAY TOO EARLY? OR WHEN SHOULD I DO IT? THANKS I NEED SOME HELP ASAP!
Posted by zvee[/QUOTE]
<img src="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m454047OhW1qalip2o1_500.gif" alt="http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m454047OhW1qalip2o1_500.gif" width="407" height="245" />

Blueyed228 · August 2012

B-lists are very bad etiquette.

You should only invite the amount of people that your venue can hold. I know 3 people who had 100% attendance at their weddings. What are you going to do if you are over capacity? Venues do not mess around with fire codes.

Invitations typically go out 6-8 weeks before the wedding.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

Please don't type in all caps. It comes across as yelling.

You should not invite more people than your venue can hold. You have to plan for 100% attendance. Also, B lists are rude. Come up with 150 people you want to invite and then invite them. That's it.

zvee · August 2012

I AGREE WITH YOU. BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL MY MIL WE HAVE TO CUT PEOPLE? I DID SEND SAVE THE DATES TO THE DEFINITES (FAMILY THAT I MUST INVITE)....I KNOW WHEN I REALIZED I WAS ON SOMEONE'S B LIST I DECIDED I WASN'T GOING TO GO BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS RUDE BUT IN MY CASE MOST OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE TO WAIT TO GET RSVP'S FROM ARE MY FIANCE'S FAMILY ( HIS FATHER IS ONE OF 6 CHILDREN) SO IMAGINE HOW MANY COUSINS ETC THAT IS. SO BASICALLY THE A LIST IS FAMILY AND B LIST IS FRIENDS....THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK THOUGH.

cnf2013 · August 2012

A and B lists are rude. Invite the number of guests that fit if you insist on using the venue with the restricted space issue and make some cuts to the guest list, or find a new venue that hold everyone and is possibly less expensive since you're trying to "KEEP COSTS DOWN".

A November 1st rsvp date is also kind of early for a mid January wedding. Most of your vendors who need head counts won't need them until a week or two prior. You're a few months short there sweetie.

Also, for the love of god, turn your caps locks off. My eyes are bugging trying to read that garbble of nonsense.

Edited because I saw your post: You got B-listed, turned down the wedding because you felt slighted, and still want to this at your own? Have fun hurting your families feelings. If you sent out save the dates then you better start looking for a bigger venue. Otherwise cutting them is equally as rude. Especially after you cut them, then turn around and B-list them. Ouch.

sparkles776 · August 2012

There is no right way to do a B list. It is rude, tacky, and usually not received well around here. Invite the amount of people your venue will hold and be done with it or find a venue that will accomodate all your guests. Regardless of how soon you make the RSVP date, people are still going to find out that they were b listed.

zvee · August 2012

Apologies for all caps. I was venting

Blueyed228 · August 2012

We all had to make cuts to our guest list. Either choose a new venue that can hold 100% attendance, or cut the list.

Dont do a B-list.

ETA- you are almost 50 people over capacity. That is way too many people.

zvee · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_rsvp-when-to-send-when-you-have-an-a-and-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b5aff444-9dff-4e0d-bf0b-1c00da3cb441Post:c51b3268-1ae6-4b6d-b5f6-d6762d3ef2d1">Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST</a>:
[QUOTE]We all had to make cuts to our guest list. Either choose a new venue that can hold 100% attendance, or cut the list. Dont do a B-list. ETA- you are almost 50 people over capacity. That is way too many people.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

all you guys are so right. i never wanted to do that in the first place but i felt a lot of pressure to send all these people invites... now on to my next question. Should i call call that person and say" I am sorry but our venue was small and we have a big family therefore we were unable to invite you , but we really wanted to??" or something more tactful?
thanks!

Blueyed228 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_rsvp-when-to-send-when-you-have-an-a-and-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b5aff444-9dff-4e0d-bf0b-1c00da3cb441Post:fc6ab68f-5a94-4298-9436-b8da38b64387">Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST : all you guys are so right. i never wanted to do that in the first place but i felt a lot of pressure to send all these people invites... now on to my next question.<strong><u> Should i call call that person</u></strong> and say" I am sorry but our venue was small and we have a big family therefore we were unable to invite you , but we really wanted to??" or something more tactful? thanks!
Posted by zvee[/QUOTE]

Which person?

You dont have to explain to people why they were not invited. If they ask (which is horribly rude) just say something along the lines of "Due to budget constraints, we had to keep our guest list at a certain number, but we would love to catch up with you over dinner sometime!"

Also- try not to talk about your wedding around people you have no intention of inviting.

zvee · August 2012

Thanks for the feedback...I think it was very helpful.

zvee · August 2012

Thank you for the advice. Very helpful. Some Other posts really made me Just feel like poop. I know I came here for advice on a hot topic but geeesh! Anyways get some sleep!

HobokensFury · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_rsvp-when-to-send-when-you-have-an-a-and-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b5aff444-9dff-4e0d-bf0b-1c00da3cb441Post:9097f862-998e-4159-b573-c0a7ec91a035">Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST</a>:
[QUOTE]My recommendation (and what WE plan to do) is to send an announcement. Not a save-the-date, but a true announcement, saying something like, "So and So and What's Her Face tied the knot!" and include photos from the wedding. This way, the millions of counselors (we're camp directors) and my mom's bff can still feel included. If you want them to know before-hand, you can definitely send them early, but I don't recommend putting the date on there. We are just doing engagement announcements and then a wedding announcement. Invitations just to be nice almost wrecked my brother's wedding, so it's not happening to me!
Posted by ShoelessJess[/QUOTE]

Sorry but this is bad advice. It's fine to send out wedding announcements AFTER the wedding but it's a slap in the face to those not invited to send them out before. Also engagement announcements are for newspapers only. They should not be mailed out because again it's a slap in the face to those that will not be invited to the wedding.

KatWAG · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_rsvp-when-to-send-when-you-have-an-a-and-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b5aff444-9dff-4e0d-bf0b-1c00da3cb441Post:19567f51-de1b-4142-bd6b-533d406764b4">Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST</a>:
[QUOTE]I AGREE WITH YOU. BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL MY MIL WE HAVE TO CUT PEOPLE? I DID SEND SAVE THE DATES TO THE DEFINITES (FAMILY THAT I MUST INVITE)....I KNOW WHEN I REALIZED I WAS ON SOMEONE'S B LIST I DECIDED I WASN'T GOING TO GO BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS RUDE BUT IN MY CASE MOST OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE TO WAIT TO GET RSVP'S FROM ARE MY FIANCE'S FAMILY ( <strong>HIS FATHER IS ONE OF 6 CHILDREN) SO IMAGINE HOW MANY COUSINS ETC</strong> THAT IS. SO BASICALLY THE A LIST IS FAMILY AND B LIST IS FRIENDS....THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK THOUGH.
Posted by zvee[/QUOTE]

My Father in law is one of 9 so I get it. But we all had to make cuts to our guest lists. Either find a new venue or cut your cut. B- listing is very tacky. Explain to your FMIL that it is rude and you dont want to hurt anyone's feeling by putting them on a B list and making them feel second class.

Making your RSVP date Nov 1 is way too early.

Blueyed228 · August 2012

You have to be careful with announcements so that they dont look like you are hinting at a gift.

samantha24p · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_rsvp-when-to-send-when-you-have-an-a-and-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b5aff444-9dff-4e0d-bf0b-1c00da3cb441Post:6f7578da-2795-4534-a993-c44e67ad4d25">Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST</a>:
[QUOTE]You have to be careful with announcements so that they dont look like you are hinting at a gift.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Exactly what I was just thinking.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_rsvp-when-to-send-when-you-have-an-a-and-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:b5aff444-9dff-4e0d-bf0b-1c00da3cb441Post:6f7578da-2795-4534-a993-c44e67ad4d25">Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST</a>:
[QUOTE]You have to be careful with announcements so that they dont look like you are hinting at a gift.
Posted by Blueyed228[/QUOTE]

Yep. This is why we used a wedding picture when designing our Christmas cards a couple of months after the wedding. That served as our wedding announcement after a small wedding.

kikirst33 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_rsvp-when-to-send-when-you-have-an-a-and-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b5aff444-9dff-4e0d-bf0b-1c00da3cb441Post:8769e07f-3c7a-42b2-a67c-50b73d059083">Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST : My Father in law is one of 9 so I get it. But we all had to make cuts to our guest lists. Either find a new venue or cut your cut. B- listing is very tacky. Explain to your FMIL that it is rude and you dont want to hurt anyone's feeling by putting them on a B list and making them feel second class. Making your RSVP date Nov 1 is way too early.
Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]

<div>My Mom is one of 7 - I have 26 first cousins just on my Mom's side of the family. We had to make some tough decisions on the guest list which included inviting only my Aunts and Uncles and no cousins. We invited 150 and expect 120 but are fully prepared to host 150 if they all accept.</div><div>
</div><div>Take a look at your guest list and decide who "must" be there and who would be "nice" to have. It's not easy but it can be done.</div>

SachaBee · September 2012

I agree with prior posters about B-lists (although I wouldn't consider November, maybe mid-November, TOO early for RSVPs. Better early than late, I guess).
What I wonder is whether, with a wedding in Savannah for a couple in Florida, would most people consider that really a destination wedding? I guess it depends on where in Florida you live. Just curious what people thought...

allychase · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_rsvp-when-to-send-when-you-have-an-a-and-b-list?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:b5aff444-9dff-4e0d-bf0b-1c00da3cb441Post:19567f51-de1b-4142-bd6b-533d406764b4">Re: RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST</a>:
[QUOTE]I AGREE WITH YOU. <strong>BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL MY MIL WE HAVE TO CUT PEOPLE?</strong> I DID SEND SAVE THE DATES TO THE DEFINITES (FAMILY THAT I MUST INVITE)....I KNOW WHEN I REALIZED I WAS ON SOMEONE'S B LIST I DECIDED I WASN'T GOING TO GO BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS RUDE BUT IN MY CASE MOST OF THE PEOPLE I HAVE TO WAIT TO GET RSVP'S FROM ARE MY FIANCE'S FAMILY ( HIS FATHER IS ONE OF 6 CHILDREN) SO IMAGINE HOW MANY COUSINS ETC THAT IS. SO BASICALLY THE A LIST IS FAMILY AND B LIST IS FRIENDS....THANKS FOR THE FEEDBACK THOUGH.
Posted by zvee[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I'm surprised no one's acknowledged this part yet. Who's paying for the wedding? If you are, you tell your FMIL that you simply can't afford that many people and, not to mention, your venue can't FIT that many people. If you're paying you really don't even owe her an explanation. </div><div>
</div><div>If she's paying, I'd suggest asking her for a wish list of people she'd like to invite and compare that to your parents/your wish list and suggest that you keep the guest list at thirds: yours, hers, and your parents. That should be a fair compromise. Explain to her that you had to make cuts on your end and *hopefully* she will get the hint that she has to do the same. And this is thirds for 150 people- that's all your venue can handle, so that's all you can invite, unless you want to turn your wedding into a night club and have to turn people away at the door. </div>

RSVP--WHEN TO SEND WHEN YOU HAVE AN A AND B LIST

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