Dilemma...WWYD?

Skittles612 · January 2012

I wish I was better at making decisions... Anyway, I have a great friend who has been extremely helpful with the wedding. She just moved here in August and has already been more helpful than all the bridesmaids put together. I just found out that she made special plans to be here for the wedding (she is a teacher and will not be coming back next year). With her leaving, I'm not sure how close we are going to be in the future. But, I really want her to be a part of the wedding to show my appreciation for all the help that she has done.

So here is the problem: do I make her a personal attendant? or a bridesmaid? If she was a personal attendent, I would make sure that we had pictures together and she would be with the bridal party all day getting ready. If she is a bridesmaid, there is a chance that our friendship will dwindle. I don't want to look back at pictures and wonder who that girl in the pictures are. (Although with facebook we will probably stay in touch).

What would you do?

kelsey+brandon · January 2012

You could make her an honorary bridesmaid. Then she could do a reading or something special like that.

gregamywedding · January 2012

I would make her a personal attendant. I have a really good friend that is not one of my BM that is helping me out a lot as well. I asked her to be my DOC. She gladly accepted.

chelseakopperud · January 2012

I was going to suggest a reading as well. Otherwise I like the personal attendent idea.

mek20 · January 2012

I was having this same dilemma. I have three friends who are not bridesmaids, but have been there for me every step of the way (more than my bridesmaids, for sure!). I am buying my bridesmaids all necklaces, and I am buying my three other friends the necklace as well as a "just because your not my bridesmaid, does not mean I do not honor our wonderful friendship" present.

As some other posters have said, I would be offended if I was asked to be an honorary bridesmaids, or a DOC. I think that something simple, like a small gift, a nice note, or a special picture will suffice for this situation. You don't want to beat it into their head that they are not bridesmaids, but a simple (and unexpected) gesture is always appreciated.

DrPB2b13 · January 2012

There is a chance any of your relationships will dwindle, even with the girls you've already chosen as bridesmaids; it's a fact of life, some people just grow apart. I say bridesmaid, or bust.

Personally, I would be offended if I was "just" asked to be a personal attendant. It feels a little cheap, almost servant-like - she's good enough to do MOST things, but you don't actually want her standing by you for the ceremony. If I were in her shoes, I would prefer to not be asked to be anything at all if you don't want me to be a bridesmaid.

Also, I feel the "honorary bridesmaid" title should be reserved for ladies you would 100% ask to be a bridesmaid, or who you have asked to be a bridesmaid, but who have had to turn it down due to a complete inability to actually attend the wedding. "Honorary" as in, "she's in our hearts, and would be one - if she could be here with us."

chelseakopperud · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_dilemmawwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b1b152d5-c26d-4ad7-a8ba-507ac071671cPost:ad367786-e118-490c-bb2e-20a89966a175">Re: Dilemma...WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is a chance any of your relationships will dwindle, even with the girls you've already chosen as bridesmaids; it's a fact of life, some people just grow apart. I say bridesmaid, or bust.<strong> Personally, I would be offended if I was "just" asked to be a personal attendant. It feels a little cheap, almost servant-like - she's good enough to do MOST things, but you don't actually want her standing by you for the ceremony. If I were in her shoes, I would prefer to not be asked to be anything at all if you don't want me to be a bridesmaid.</strong> Also, I feel the "honorary bridesmaid" title should be reserved for ladies you would 100% ask to be a bridesmaid, or who you have asked to be a bridesmaid, but who have had to turn it down due to a complete inability to actually attend the wedding. "Honorary" as in, "she's in our hearts, and would be one - if she could be here with us."
Posted by DrPB2b13[/QUOTE]

I think it depends on your social circle and the area you live in. Every wedding in my area has at least one personal attendent. It is not a servant job- it is an honor. I am having my 3 best friends as my personal attendents. They will be invited to the rehearsal dinner, get corsages, a gift and hang out with me while getting ready.

Olliee1607 · January 2012

I would be insulted if you asked me to be either, TBH. Ask her to be a bridesmaid or just have her be a guest.

WEEZIE918 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_dilemmawwyd?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:b1b152d5-c26d-4ad7-a8ba-507ac071671cPost:ad367786-e118-490c-bb2e-20a89966a175">Re: Dilemma...WWYD?</a>:
[QUOTE]There is a chance any of your relationships will dwindle, even with the girls you've already chosen as bridesmaids; it's a fact of life, some people just grow apart. I say bridesmaid, or bust. Personally, I would be offended if I was "just" asked to be a personal attendant. It feels a little cheap, almost servant-like - she's good enough to do MOST things, but you don't actually want her standing by you for the ceremony. If I were in her shoes, I would prefer to not be asked to be anything at all if you don't want me to be a bridesmaid. Also, I feel the "honorary bridesmaid" title should be reserved for ladies you would 100% ask to be a bridesmaid, or who you have asked to be a bridesmaid, but who have had to turn it down due to a complete inability to actually attend the wedding. "Honorary" as in, "she's in our hearts, and would be one - if she could be here with us."
Posted by DrPB2b13[/QUOTE]

All of this.

gregamywedding · January 2012

I think it really depends on your social circle. I am sure if you thought your friend would be offended in any kind of way you would not even be asking the question. Every situation is different. Like my friend for instance that I asked to be my DOC. She told me she didn't not want to be a BM. She is just not the put on a dress and get all dolled up kind of person. I still wanted her to be a part of my wedding. So when I asked if she would be my DOC she said of course.

tgerl · January 2012

If you plan on doing a reading, I like the idea of asking her to do the reading and then including her in the rehearsal dinner, etc. I don't like the idea of the personal attendant (but maybe that's because nobody has them around here). It seems like she is being very helpful and is a very nice person, but you don't have to make it formal or put a title with it. You can still include her in some pictures, etc. on your wedding day regardless of whether she has an official role in the wedding.

MissAmeliaPond · January 2012

I would be offended by both jobs. Honorary bridesmaid/personal attendant both sound awful. Personal attendant makes me think of being a waitress, but that's just me.

One of my bridesmaids is not reciprocating (ie, I'm not one of her BMs as she has way more long-term girlfriends and we've only been friends for a couple of years). She wants me to be at her bachelorette party, shower and there getting ready with her during the morning of her wedding... I am honestly kind of insulted by this, as I literally talk to her every single day (via gchat of course), but I still feel really left out.

doeie04 · January 2012

I think I would ask her if she wanted to help out with day of weddings stuff since she knows what is going on and has been there with you. Giving it a title makes it weird for me.

My brother's girlfriend has been helping a lot and I want to incorperate her somehow. I think she would do great directing people and such. I want to get her hair done and give her flowers too. And she really wants to make a slide show. haha

Skittles612 · January 2012

Thanks! In this area, a personal attendant role is considered more of an honor than "slave" position, but I understand that has a different meaning in other areas. In this case it would be more of a DOC position. I think thats what I'm going to do. Thanks for the advice everyone!

Dilemma...WWYD?

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