Is it completely rude of me to do this?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:ed9de366-b78e-4630-83bd-e2007dfcacf9">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're working with a budget of $1,500 the vast majority of it should go to food and beverages. What's the other $1,300 going to? The most important expense is properly hosting your guests... At $10/head (my new, lower number ;) she can pull this off. BBQ and beer/wine from Sams or Costco will do it.
Posted by ExpatPumpkin[/QUOTE]

I do agree with this. I don't want to pry, but I would like to see a break down of the budget. I wonder if she needs to rent chairs and tables and that's what cutting into the food costs? I hate to say it, but cutting down the guest list is probably the best thing you can do to save money.

FI and I attended a wedding where they served big pans of chicken en mole with rice and green salad. They made it themselves ahead of time. But it was a smaller wedding - maybe 40-50 people - so cooking for that number wasn't out of the question.

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

Also, I wouldn't invite 125 people to a super casual wedding at a relative's house. But that's just me. I'd probably keep it at about 50, and cater in BBQ.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:19771f4e-1414-41bb-a8a6-768b5ee65cb3">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is all about time for me. Sandwiches are great- for lunch. I've been to plenty of sandwich weddings. In the afternoon. Not in the evening.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

I'm kind of on this page. Not that I don't even eat a sandwich for dinner, but really guys, we've talked about this a lot. I guests would be a lot more amenable to a sandwich-based dry wedding at lunch time.

I Want Cake · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:7a1460af-382e-4b12-8ac8-52892343f4f1">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this? : OMG were we at the same wedding?? My husband and a couple friends and I ended up leaving after like an hour and a half.
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Maybe. FI and I drove 7 hours each way to Kansas City. We stayed a couple hours, then FI and I, along with all his cousins (which was 40 of us), went out for steaks and martinis afterward with plenty of commiseration. I don't think I've ever been on a worse trip for such little payout ever in my life. Not that we were looking for a free dinner, but still.

OP, I'm sure someone else would volunteer to run the grill. The bride is not responsible for preparing and serving the food at her own wedding herself. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate like steaks, but some ribs and burgers would most likely be appreciated by all.

MattsPenguin · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:8f92bde4-5f08-4c17-b237-0f7e8201d02c">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I wouldn't invite 125 people to a super casual wedding at a relative's house. But that's just me. I'd probably keep it at about 50, and cater in BBQ.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

I was thinking something similar.

125 people =/= casual backyard wedding. But to each their own I guess.

I agree that perhaps a change in time should be in order.

But have fun with your family/friends, regardless of what we say.

Mirandaasch · July 2010

Personally, I love sandwhiches for dinner and think that the picnic idea works perfectly with the casual ceremony the OP described, regardless of the time of day. If you wanted to make the meal a little more substantial, a selection of salads might help.

As for the BYOB, I have to agree that it's not the best idea. Either go all the way dry, or provide some beer and wine.

AmeliaMarie · July 2010

In small town Nebraska, we were able to have a local restaurant cater BBQ for our rehearsal dinner. We had 100 people and it cost us about $250. Do some checking around before you count it out!

AmoroAgain · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:8f92bde4-5f08-4c17-b237-0f7e8201d02c">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I wouldn't invite 125 people to a super casual wedding at a relative's house. But that's just me. I'd probably keep it at about 50, and cater in BBQ.
Posted by georgia_bride09[/QUOTE]

I wuv you GB. Can you be my brain for me?

JoyTate1 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:19771f4e-1414-41bb-a8a6-768b5ee65cb3">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]This is all about time for me. Sandwiches are great- for lunch. I've been to plenty of sandwich weddings. In the afternoon. Not in the evening.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]
I agree with this. I went to one and I had fun, but I did leave early because I was starving. I love my friends and will support them no matter what, but I am not going to stay until midnight when my only nourishment is a sandwhich. Especially since I am not a sandwhich eater to begin with.

As for BYOB, I wouldn't do it. Either do a dry wedding, or scrap some funds together for some beer/wine. You don't have to have enough for your guests to get wasted.

gonnabemrsh · July 2010

The pulled pork is a *fantastic* idea, I have no idea how much that'd cost but I can look into that for sure, and it is a staple in my family's get-togethers usually, I don't know how I didn't think about it...any ideas how many lbs of pork (or chicken or what have you) I'd need for that many people? No idea how to estimate it.

Yes, I did overreact, I apologize, I just felt really discouraged and yelled at. I stepped away from the computer to fix dinner and put in the oven, and I see that.

As far as cutting down on the guest list - that really isn't possible. They are almost all my family, and as I said before they all live very close to the house where the wedding'll be, and they are all very close down there. If I invite some, I invite them all, that's all there is to it.

We do have to rent chairs and tables and a tent, and that's taking up a larger-than-I'd-like portion of the budget, but they're the cheapest I've found so far (though I have family members looking into other options.)

If there are other questions I've missed I'm sorry.

[Deleted User] · July 2010

Wherever you buy the pulled pork from should give you an idea of how much you need.

gonnabemrsh · July 2010

Oh and thanks for the opinions on the BYOB thing - I honestly never considered that *that* would be the rude part (as opposed to not serving alcohol, period), but you have made good points for sure, and I hear you!

As far as making sure there is ENOUGH food, that will definitely be done. No one will go hungry due to lack of quantity. And just because there's no alcohol doesn't mean there won't be anything to drink - there will be soda, sweet tea (southern wedding), lemonade, and water of course.

My budget - while I don't really feel like listing it here and opening myself up to more criticism (sorry), a large part of it is going toward chairs for the ceremony and reception and tables for the reception, rings, then we have to pay the JOP and for the marriage license, then I'm making my own dress so that's costing a fair amount, the invitations, postage for the invitations, plates/napkins/etc, and then of course some decor.

The things that aren't negotiable are the budget, the time, and the guest list. Period.

mica178 · July 2010

If members of your family are in good standing with their church, you might be able to borrow their chairs/tables for free. If someone is a regular volunteer, you might even get to borrow their china/glassware.

AmoroAgain · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:2e30616e-059b-4114-82a5-b869d1e7bb91">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]The pulled pork is a *fantastic* idea, I have no idea how much that'd cost but I can look into that for sure, and it is a staple in my family's get-togethers usually, I don't know how I didn't think about it...any ideas how many lbs of pork (or chicken or what have you) I'd need for that many people? No idea how to estimate it. Yes, I did overreact, I apologize, I just felt really discouraged and yelled at. I stepped away from the computer to fix dinner and put in the oven, and I see that. As far as cutting down on the guest list - that really isn't possible. They are almost all my family, and as I said before they all live very close to the house where the wedding'll be, and they are all very close down there. If I invite some, I invite them all, that's all there is to it. We do have to rent chairs and tables and a tent, and that's taking up a larger-than-I'd-like portion of the budget, but they're the cheapest I've found so far (though I have family members looking into other options.) If there are other questions I've missed I'm sorry.
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]
So (and this is just a question, so don't take it wrong!) would it not then, be cheaper to go with a venue so that you don't have to spend so much for all the accessories that you need? With my budget, I just didn't decorate anything, and found a place that basically gave me everything I needed included, without inflating the price. Did you check around on your local for suggestions?

I just feel bad about a bride and her family spending the week of the wedding, and the busiest, most stressful days right before, running around making food. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, just that you and your family should enjoy this time, not worry about something like this.

gonnabemrsh · July 2010

That is a great idea about the chairs. I don't know that many people would have any we could use, they're mostly older, but I can definitely ask and find out.

The reason there are so many people is because in my grandmother's generation, there were 8 kids, and they're all married of course and then they had kids, none had less than 4 and one had 8 more, and then they all have kids, and some of THEM now have kids.

bheartsb · July 2010

Ok...so your Aunt has been gracious enought to offer you her home, if you have discussed changing the time of the event with her + she doesn't seem to wanna budge...it is what it is...and it remains an evening affair.

You are keeping it casual...and that's fine. I don't see any problem with your menu choice..IF your only oot guests really are you, Fi, your parents + his. (I once travelled a looong way only to get to the wedding and be served a nice cold sandwich...not cool, i'm not being snobby about it, just saying that if people are traveling any distance...a hot meal is best). As for your locals...maybe the invitations could somehow reflect to people the 'casualness' of the affair so that they will not be expecting hot food. Just be sure to have ENOUGH of it (whatever it may be).

As for BYOB, just do a dry wedding. If the guestlist really + truely is all family + close friends...you could attempt to 'spread the word' that the wedding will be dry and let them know they can byob, BUT as pp mentioned...you run the risk of someone not knowing, and sitting there watching the person who did get the memo-sipping away on their cabernet...not fun.

lastly...don't get sucked in by the uglies...

gonnabemrsh · July 2010

Amoro - no, we are definitely doing the wedding at my aunt's house, as it is a special thing to us. It is where my parents were married as well, and it has special meaning, so I'm not giving it up for somewhere that doesn't.

And I'll ask right back - what else would we be doing, really? I mean, we're not terribly busy people, it isn't like we'll have baseball games to run to and a thousand meetings to attend and everything. I can't think of a better way to spend the few days before my wedding besides sitting around with my family (that I don't get to see very often anyway) and having them help me make food and decorate and whatnot while we talk and enjoy ourselves. It sounds quite heavenly to me.

ExpatPumpkin · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:649876eb-77a7-43c5-9da4-f443bd4e17d8">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this? : So (and this is just a question, so don't take it wrong!) would it not then, be cheaper to go with a venue so that you don't have to spend so much for all the accessories that you need? With my budget, I just didn't decorate anything, and found a place that basically gave me everything I needed included, without inflating the price. Did you check around on your local for suggestions? I just feel bad about a bride and her family spending the week of the wedding, and the busiest, most stressful days right before, running around making food. I don't think there's anything wrong with it, just that you and your family should enjoy this time, not worry about something like this.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]

Amoro's on the right track here. It sounds like you're spending most of your budget to create a venue. A venue to serve sandwiches. Not to be snarky, but do you see the irony?

Why don't you scape the chairs, tables, and tent rental and go find a restaurant with a private dining area? Then you'll get chairs, tables, food, and even waitstaff for probably less than what you're planning to pay on rentals. And it will be a lot less stressful because after the wedding you can just leave and the restaurant will clean up the mess.

ETA: Nevermind, I just read your last post and you have your heart set on your aunt's house. Just find a way to serve more food. Good luck ;)

kikibaby · July 2010

I'd have no idea how many pounds of pork you'd need, but the butcher even at the grocery store should be able to give you a good idea. If you know somebody who has a smoker, it'd be easy-peasy, too. Pair it with some baked beans, potato salad, cole slaw- things you can just buy at the store instead of preparing... man, I'm hungry.

gonnabemrsh · July 2010

bhearts yes the list is all family, there is one friend of my mom's who'll be there with her husband but she is very involved in the planning and knows what to expect.

They all really do live close together, too. My great aunt (the one who's house I'll be using) lives right next to her brother, a couple more live across the street, and literally everyone is within a 25-minute drive

gonnabemrsh · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:6a77d3ce-6260-4701-9143-b448d584c1d3">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE] man, I'm hungry.
Posted by kikibaby[/QUOTE]

Hehe :)

Yes I'm not sure exactly how we'd cook all that pork but I can see if someone has a smoker, I'll talk to my mom and see what she thinks we can do to make this work out and see if she can help me come up with how much it would cost to do pulled pork + buns + bbq sauce + chips + baked beans etc. etc. Thank you.

AmoroAgain · July 2010

All right then.

bheartsb · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:e99f20f7-33eb-48b2-90cb-83bbb78e7fdf">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]bhearts yes the list is all family, there is one friend of my mom's who'll be there with her husband but she is very involved in the planning and knows what to expect. They all really do live close together, too. My great aunt (the one who's house I'll be using) lives right next to her brother, a couple more live across the street, and literally everyone is within a 25-minute drive
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]

Do your best, and forget the rest. It sounds like a tight knit group. The kind that will be genuinely happy to just be together + see you & FI exchange vows. Good luck!

kikibaby · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:086975e9-220c-4bc3-9e17-e8a53f809b7f">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this? : Hehe :) Yes I'm not sure exactly how we'd cook all that pork but I can see if someone has a smoker, I'll talk to my mom and see what she thinks we can do to make this work out and see if she can help me come up with how much it would cost to do pulled pork + buns + bbq sauce + chips + baked beans etc. etc. Thank you.
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]

No problem, good luck!

AmeliaMarie · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_completely-rude-of-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4c6571c9-90de-4ca0-8989-206648244bcdPost:043d546d-463a-41cc-b091-420f78e3f150">Re: Is it completely rude of me to do this?</a>:
[QUOTE]If members of your family are in good standing with their church, you might be able to borrow their chairs/tables for free. If someone is a regular volunteer, you might even get to borrow their china/glassware.
Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

This! We borrowed chairs and tables from our church for free for our rehearsal dinner. I'm sure it saved us hundreds of dollars.

gonnabemrsh · July 2010

I missed the post about borrowing chairs. That's an idea - I know many of them go to church regularly.

Yes, it is a very tight-knit group, it sometimes bums me out that I live so far from them lol. Sweetest people ever though.

bheartsb · July 2010

if I may ask...you wouldn't happen to be celebrating in Findlay, would you?

gonnabemrsh · July 2010

Findlay, OH? No, it's in east Tennessee, nearish to Knoxville.

bheartsb · July 2010

lol...sorry, I saw Columbus, and assumed Ohio. Nevermind me...

gonnabemrsh · July 2010

No you had it right on that lol, we do live in Columbus OH. The family is in TN though. Fiance & I, my parents, & his parents (plus our 2 siblings) are the only ones who live up here.

Is it completely rude of me to do this?

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