Wedding Etiquette Forum

Are the rules different for men?

So.... my fiance and our best man have invited several people to the bachelor party who were not on the invite list for the wedding.  Do I now need to add them and their families to the invitation list?  Or do the rules change for boys since they obviously have no sense of etiquette anyway?  :)
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Re: Are the rules different for men?

  • I would either add them to the wedding list or tell your best man they can't come.
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  • There isn't much ettiquite related to bachelor parties as traditionally, bachelor parties are often about stretching the rules anyway.  But yeah, I'd have to agree with you, he probably shouldn't be inviting people who aren't invited to the wedding.  Just a guess.  I'm sure someone here will have a better answer.
  • The rules are not different but many men choose to ignore them.  I had to remind FI to not give his brother/BM anyone's name who we didn't invite to the wedding.  He just never thought of it.
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  • A male co-worker of mine just got married, and a bunch of guys from work who were not invited to the wedding went to the B-party.  I thought it was strange but none of them did.  Maybe the rules are different, maybe men just don't care about those things, I doubt FI would.  I would mention it to BM and FI and if they don't agree let it go.
  • The only thing I would worry about would be their SO being upset. If this isn't the case, then, yes, boys will be boys and they don't usually know better (until they're told). But I would at least bring up the fact and go from there.
    "It is never to late to become what you might have been..."
  • The rules aren't different, but men are.  Plenty of guys would love to spend a night at a strip club, bar, baseball game etc rather than at a wedding reception especially if they are single. 

    So I don't think guys ever hang out and say how rude it was they wern't invited to the wedding but to  the bachelor party.

  • I think most men don't care.  The wives/girlfriends of these guys might, though. 
  • I dont think men really care about "Rules" but i would just talk to your FI and Best Man and let them know that it isnt polite and to add them to the list if he does
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  • Bwuaha. Despite the fact that I proposed using a ringpop, I resent the etiquette comment ;)

    They should have cleared it with you, either way. To be nice, you should add them, then yell at the gentlemen involved.
  • While it's technically still rude, I don't think guys care.

    I have no idea if that;s what Emily Post would say. That's simple gut reaction to your question.
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  • If there's room for them, invite them. If not then don't. I think guys are more interested in the bachelor party anyway!
  • This happened with my FI....I just added them to the guest list bc I thought it was the right thing to do, but I honestly doubt the guys involved would have cared.
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  • From a girl's side, I really wish this ettiquette didn't exist!  I understand it's there to stop hurt feelings, but I have a friend who will be unable to invite me to the wedding (we haven't been friends very long, and I don't really know her fiance) and I totally understand.  However, I'd love to be involved in her bachelorette party and enjoy the process with her!  I'm so sad that I will probably lose her as a friend as she will now get involved in wedding planning, and it would be considered "rude" to talk about it to me at all.  But I don't mind!!!!

    And guys are typically less complicated than me.  "Oh, I get to go out and have a crazy night of fun with a buddy, and I don't have to buy a wedding gift or show up in a suit a few weeks later?  Sweet!"
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  • I have been to many a B-party for a wedding that I wasn't invited to.  I survived unscathed. 

    Catemeg-just ask her about it.  We were planning a b-party in Vegas for a friend and some other girls who knew the bride but were more friends of a friend, said, ooh, that sounds like fun and wanted to come so they did.  We had a great time (that is all I am authorized to say) and nobody died from it.
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  • catemeg-I bet she would love to talk to you about it if she knew this. I hope you are able to improve this friendship because of the wedding, not in spite of it :)
  • Does it really matter if they aren't invited to the wedding? He should be able to invite who he wants to HIS bachelor party, where does it say that only people invited to the wedding can be invited to bachelor/bachelorette parties? That makes absolutely no sense to me personally to me.
  • honestly, this is a rule that I hate. I wanted to invite my fellow classmates to my bachelorette party, but since etiquette dictates that they couldn't go because they're not invited to the wedding, I didn't. and why weren't they invited to the wedding? because if I invite a few, I'd have to invite all of them--all 40. that would add a huge chunk to my guest list and to my budget, and I simply couldn't afford it. but it wasn't for lack of wanting them there.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rules-different-men?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b6a4908d-d448-4b6d-ac0a-b6d2eae0f15cPost:ae4d299c-4312-4235-b082-2cb6a7a32196">Re: Are the rules different for men?</a>:
    [QUOTE]From a girl's side, I really wish this ettiquette didn't exist!  I understand it's there to stop hurt feelings, but I have a friend who will be unable to invite me to the wedding (we haven't been friends very long, and I don't really know her fiance) and I totally understand.  However, I'd love to be involved in her bachelorette party and enjoy the process with her!  I'm so sad that I will probably lose her as a friend as she will now get involved in wedding planning, and it would be considered "rude" to talk about it to me at all.  But I don't mind!!!! And guys are typically less complicated than me.  "Oh, I get to go out and have a crazy night of fun with a buddy, and I don't have to buy a wedding gift or show up in a suit a few weeks later?  Sweet!"
    Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

    <div>Actually, it would be rude for her to bring the wedding up around you, but once you bring it up, it isn't rude for her to discuss it.  Since you don't care and are happy to talk about it anyway, it's totally fine to start the conversation. Ask her about the planning, and casually mention that you know she doesn't have the space to invite you, but that you love weddings and would love to hear all about the planning anyway.  If you word it right, she may even take it as a green light to put you on the b-party list.</div><div>
    </div><div>Personally, I think b-parties are a grey area, especially for men, but really, for everyone.  I've been to more than one b-party where the couple was eloping/JOPing with no guests.  As long as it wasn't a gift party and is something in line with a girl/boy's night out where everyone covers themselves, I don't think it's a huge deal.  I understand the etiquette, but I think it's an area where you have some wiggle room.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rules-different-men?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b6a4908d-d448-4b6d-ac0a-b6d2eae0f15cPost:bd7b2b95-c2e1-4df3-805b-3c1a9cd9a71d">Re: Are the rules different for men?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are the rules different for men? : Actually, it would be rude for her to bring the wedding up around you, but once you bring it up, it isn't rude for her to discuss it.  Since you don't care and are happy to talk about it anyway, it's totally fine to start the conversation. Ask her about the planning, and casually mention that you know she doesn't have the space to invite you, but that you love weddings and would love to hear all about the planning anyway.  If you word it right, she may even take it as a green light to put you on the b-party list. Personally, I think b-parties are a grey area, especially for men, but really, for everyone.  I've been to more than one b-party where the couple was eloping/JOPing with no guests.  <strong>As long as it wasn't a gift party and is something in line with a girl/boy's night out where everyone covers themselves, I don't think it's a huge deal. </strong> I understand the etiquette, but I think it's an area where you have some wiggle room.
    Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]
    this, exactly. I tend to equate b-parties with like a really big birthday party. the person of honor doesn't pay for themselves, and everyone else pays for themselves, and chips in for the one person. at least, that's how birthday parties are done among my social group, and b-parties as well.
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  • Where is the rule book?
  • polichikpolichik member
    First Comment
    edited May 2010
    Re: MeMelissa, asking about a rule book...

    http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/tips/party_planning.htm

    "Any party associated with a wedding should be an intimate gathering of close friends or relatives. Anyone invited to a shower (office showers excepted) should be on the wedding guest list as well. While the hosts determine the size of the guest list, the idea is not to duplicate the wedding guest list—that looks like a tacky grab for gifts."
  • I don't think it is bad to invite people to the bachelor (or bachelorette) party who aren't invited to the wedding. I've been to parties, but not invited to weddings, and it didn't bother me. I was just happy to celebrate with the bride when I could! Some circumstances don't allow for large guest lists, but that doesn't mean there aren't people who want to celebrate with the happy couple. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rules-different-men?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b6a4908d-d448-4b6d-ac0a-b6d2eae0f15cPost:91b4ae3d-1ff2-45cb-9bc3-d037d45579c4">Re: Are the rules different for men?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think most men don't care.  The wives/girlfriends of these guys might, though. 
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

    Yep.
    My FI has been to 5 bachelor parties in 5 years.  We were actually invited to 2 of those weddings.  Guys get all happy about the party and totally don't consider (or care) about the ettiquette involved.  I must say that my FI was relieved to not be invited to the weddings, but this didn't even cross his mind until I brought it up! 

    I know I may be going against the grain here....but the girlfriends/wives of the guys invited are not really an issue...unless you plan to "hang out" with them in the future.  I personally, at this point, and given your plans already in motion...wouldn't feel enormous obligation to invite them. 

    But DO have a serious talking to with your guy and his GM's !!!  =)
    judge the non-traditional, pop their happy little wedding balloons... and sleep better tonight for you have made the world a better place.
  • Who is Emily Post and why do we care what she thinks?  If you feel that your friends or your fiance's friends would understand your situation and would still want to celebrate with you at a bachelor/bachelorette party, I say do it!  It's your wedding, not Emily Post's.  It's your ONE day that you (theoretically) will never be doing again...EVER...do it the way you want!  Odds are, if they are offended...1st of all, they'll never say it to you, 2nd of all, they will get over it in a matter of minutes.  It's not like they will never speak to you again because you invited them to a party but couldn't afford to have them at the wedding.

    My 2 cents...Tongue out
  • My fiance was not clear on this either till I explained it to him. Men just don't know these things!
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