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I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I am sure this has completely upended everything in your life right now.
Is there any chance you can get away for a bit? Even if you go to stay with a friend?
I think you need some quiet contemplation time to process this, away from everyone and distractions.
Sending massive hugs.
It is perfectly fair to have complicated feelings about this. You recognise it could have been 100% worse, but it also could have been so much more what you wanted. All I can say is take a break from thinking about this for a while. Focus on another project. You are married, you looked fantastic, your family was there!
I know it doesn't seem like it, but the old adage is true: comedy = tragedy + time. You two WILL laugh about this in the future. I promise.
Who knows, you can always throw an amazing anniversary party in an industrial space in 10 years. Your wedding isn't the only party you will ever throw. You can also get some great portraits of you two done in an industrial space if you want more photos.
Your mum may have her moments of seeming like she genuinely cares, but she is incapable of putting your feelings first. No caring parent would ever do that to their child. It's cruel, thoughtless and self centred. I'm sure she loves you, but her hatred/jealousy of your father is more powerful. A person you cannot speak to about being hurt is, by definition, not empathetic. A person who purposefully takes away your happiness because it doesn't involve her is, by definition, not your biggest cheerleader.
Your father is obviously her trigger. It's easy to be loving and supportive when he is not around. But the true test of her putting you first is when he is around. And she failed. Catastrophically.
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Your mother her will never put your feelings over her knee-jerk selfishness. You can either continue to be a pawn in this manipulation or learn to set healthy boundaries.
Real question: what's your plan with your family and your mum? Are you going to make your kids have 2 birthday parties? Are they going to be allowed to mention grandpa without setting her off? Are your kids going to silently have to deal with her scenes whilst they are embarrassed in front of their friends? Are you going to make your kids playcate your mother's selfishness? Are YOU going to ever put your kids/H's feelings first and protect them from her? Or are you going to selfishly continue along the same path because it's easier than actually dealing with her?
eta: I know it's hard but you need to deal with this sooner rather than later. It keeps happening and escalating because you allow it. I really hope you get professional help in dealing with her. Even if it is helping you recognise her bully and emotionally manipulative tactics.
Knottieeb04ff5c79554528 said:WOW most of you are being ridiculous and catty. This woman came here for advice, not to be shat on. Orange cat-lady: do you seriously expect brides/grooms to pay for every single person who wants to attend a destination wedding? That is ludicrous. If people want to attend your DW - they will make it there and pay for their week-long vacation themselves. If they don't want to come or can't afford it, they don't have to and there are no expectations! That's part of the beauty of having a DW, and that includes cruises.
While I personally would not have an at home reception/shower that hosts people who are not going to be attending the wedding - people showed up to yours, so they must not be that offended. If you're that butt-hurt about not being able to attend the wedding. Don't go to the shower. If you're not a total ass and still want to celebrate your friends/family, then go to the shower & have a good time. Simple as that.
When we booked our destination wedding (which is coming up this December) we had family on my fiances side that were upset about the date and the fact that it is so much more expensive this time of year, and that they'd not be able to afford it. I just told them sorry this is when we want to do it. They're not coming, and I'm indifferent. If they really wanted to be there, they would make it work. You don't need that kind of negativity anyway, planning a wedding is stressful enough! This is YOUR day. You do what YOU want and have no regrets.
I hope you guys have an amazing trip & it turns out exactly the way you want it to. xo.
What a lovely and kind way to engratiate yourself into your new family. Not only are you saying you don't want them there, you are telling your Fiancé that his family doesn't matter. I guess negativity only matters when you're called on your shitty, selfish behaviour, not when you spew your unwelcoming, nasty attitude to your future family.
But fuck what your Fiancé wants, it's only YOUR day, right?
This orange cat ladyReport11
Every parent, regardless of race or dating status of their child, should be having this conversation.
I am afraid the tack of 'this may happen to you' normalises it. I think what she should be saying is 'this is unfair, and statistically it is likely to happen based on race.' as part of a wider discussion of privillege and racial oppression.
Like, why wait until it directly affects your child. THAT is white privillege. I give the letter writer credit for trying, but this is a conversation ALL parents should be having with their children well before the age where they can drive cars.