Second Weddings — The Knot Community

Scared to death

justineanni — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:47:33 +0000

Let me start this off by saying that I love my FI with all my heart.
My problem is that I am scared to get remarried.
I was married in Nov.2001 and got divorced in Sept. 2011. He was married in Nov, 2003 and divorced in Nov 2011. We got engaged while we were waiting for both of our divorces to finalize. He wants to get married soon and I am too scared to. I am not 100% sure why either. I do want to get remarried some day, but not any time soon. I don't know how to explain this to FI. I have tried and he gets all upset and hurt because he says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and can't wait for me to be his wife. He doesn't understand why I am having issues with getting remarried so soon.

name change?

annie912 — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 14:50:56 +0000

How many of you changed your names when you got remarried? Reasons why or why not?

I really have no good reason why not to, I don't have any children that I want to have the same name as and my name is kind of tricky. I didn't change my name the first time I got married and I thought I would this time, but now I'm not so sure. The biggest reason for me not to change, I will admit, is pretty silly but I still have a kind of sick feeling thinking of it.

Retread As the moderator, I ask your attention

right1thistime — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 15:51:19 +0000

· No harassing, intimidating, stalking, or threatening other community members.

The terms of use are quite specific in their listings. They do not prohibit disagreement, passionate debate, sarcasm, doubt, confrontation, rhetorical questions, irony, scorn, disdain, cynicism, speculation, incredulous-ness, exasperation, or irritation.

There is no “be nice” clause. There is no “act like a lady” clause. There is no requirement that all commentary be kind, gentle and compassionate. Ideally the world would all be that way, but the Knot, and Second Weddings as a subset of that world, are far from ideal.

Written word loses tone, inflection and body language, and is therefore inherently edgier. When one seeks feedback on an anonymous message board, one risks that those edges will inflict discomfort, most often unintended, but quite real. That is the consequence of one’s choice to seek feedback in that type of setting. If one does not wish to risk such a consequence, seeking feedback in a more directly interactional setting is advisable.

How is it that the questioner is absolved of the consequences of their choice, and all of the responsibility falls to stranger who goes out of their way to provide a straightforward, direct and to the point answer?

I am an executive, an adult and a leader. I comport myself in my life much the same way that I do here. With honesty, integrity, and direct confrontation of not only the problem stated, but the underlying implied issues as well. I am not cruel, I am not mean, I am not malicious. The reader, however, may not like what I have to say. The reader may far prefer a different answer. The reader may resent the illumination of the more unsavory interpretation or aspects of the problem or question they have put forth. That is beyond my control, and solely in the control of the reader.

There is satisfaction in the response of the reader when critique or directness challenges their thoughts, their decisions or their assumptions. Perhaps they will rethink their original decisions, or perhaps they will be strengthened in their resolve, and will defend them. Being asked to support one’s position is not bullying, it is not harassment, it is not intimidation. The questioner invariably had underlying doubts about that choice, or they would not ask the question.

All of that is simply preamble to this. I fully resent being told by the moderator of this board to “simmer down” or some other admonishment. If specific behavior is a violation of the terms of use, the offender(s) need to be addressed directly, their specific violations outlined, so that they have the opportunity to rebut the accusation, and/or change & modify their actions. Beyond violations of the terms of use, the role of moderator has no reach, and none should be extended. It is even more infuriating when the one doing the admonishing then proceeds to summarize the points being made by those to whom the admonishment is addressed. Just because the moderator prefers her own tone & approach does not mean that it is the only acceptable option.

I appreciate the role of the moderator in keeping the board as free of illicit uses as possible. I do not expect nor do I expect others to be rebuked unless the terms of use are violated.

ETA: paragraphs

Who to invite??

jefftara7781 — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:18:15 +0000

So, this is my second wedding but my finance's first. I'm having a hard time trying to figure out who to invite. Do I invite all of my out of town family? I don't expect any of them to come because the came out for my first wedding but at the same time I don't want to be rude and not invite them and have them feel left out.

Any suggestions??

My parents think we shouldn't have a wedding

shonatom — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 01:07:37 +0000

I got married when I was 19 years old. My parents didn't entirely approve, but they were supportive and helped pay for and plan the wedding along with my ex-husband's family. By 21 I was divorced (my decision, it was a huge mistake).

Now I'm 28 and engaged to get married this September. This will be my fiance's first marriage. My family loves my fiance, have been wanting us to get married for a long time, and already consider him family. Yet when I annouced we were engaged they were surprised that we wanted to have a wedding. In their view, we should just go to the courthouse and get it done. Keep in mind that my family is from small town, rural south Alabama where nearly everyone has a small, simple church wedding. My fiance's family, on the other hand, is from a rich community in south Florida where the expectations are totally different.

In my opinion, the wedding we have planned is very intimate and modest. We're having the ceremony in a park (for free!) and we're paying for the reception venue, catering, and photography ourselves. We've cut costs as much as possible but we still need help. I finally asked my parents tonight if they could contribute anything, and suggested smaller things like flowers or help with getting decorations. My stepmom said she thought we were paying for it all ourselves and handed the phone to my Dad, who said "you know we're not big on big weddings" but he'd talk it over and get back to me.

Am I in the wrong here? I'm so upset that they feel this way and like I'm being made to feel guilty because my first marriage didn't work out. This is the man I love and want to spend my life with, I think we deserve to have the experience of actually getting married in front of all the people we care about and celebrating with them. It means so much to me, and this whole thing just makes me feel sick to my stomach. This whole time they've acted like they want nothing to do with the wedding other than show up. I'm not asking for a lot here, I just feel like they should be excited for me and want to be involved. It's not like they're struggling, they make good money so I know that isn't the issue. Any advice?

RPOTD

right1thistime — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:16:12 +0000

My daughter just called to tell me she was at her favorite little restaurant that happens to be ethnic. She passed out while she was there. (I am not paniced about this because she is a "fainter") When she woke up, the waitress said to her, "While you were sleeping, I prayed for you. We dont like to call the cops." LMAO! (And thank goodness she wasn't having a cardiac arrest, because she would have been going straight to heaven, no time spent in an ambulance or ED!)

Dad to Walk Me Down the Aisle?

caraleis — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 03:51:05 +0000

This will be my second marriage, my FI's first, so I feel like it's a big deal for him and his family. During the ceremony should I have my father walk me down the aisle again, or walk by myself since he's already done this previously? Please help!

My 2nd, His 1st

tlbr0414 — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 16:40:39 +0000

My FI and I are newly engaged and starting to plan our small, simple beach wedding. This is my 2nd marriage, his 1st. I was married for 2 years to an abusive man and finally worked up the nerve to leave him for the sake of my safety and my newborn baby's safety. I met Dan, my fiance, shortly after the 1st marriage ended and we became fast friends. It took almost a year, but we started dating and are now engaged. YAY! How do I go about planning this wedding? Luckily we are both wanting a simple wedding, so that's not a problem. His family will be flying in from out-of-state to attend. My family are crazy excited about this wedding, since they weren't very keen on the 1st. :) Should I still register for gifts and do the white wedding dress? My son WILL be involved in the wedding. He calls my FI Daddy, as he doesn't know his bio dad. It feels a little silly to be so excited about a 2nd wedding...but I feel as if this is my 1st real marriage. I guess I'm just needing help on etiquette. Thanks guys!

Hello

Jess11213 — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:31:11 +0000

Hi Everyone,

I have been reading the boards here for a couple weeks now, and I thought I would finally "introduce" myself to you ladies because there is such a positive and encouraging tone on this board.
We will be married next January and it will be the second marriage for both of us. And we have 4 kids between the two of us. I am already feeling overwhelmed with the "guilty" feelings that some other people have described in here. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and thanks for being such a positive group!

engagment pictures :(

annie912 — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:27:09 +0000

I'm really disappointed with the engagement pictures we had done. And no, it's not just me disliking the way I look because I aboslutely loved the pictures done for my last wedding. It's not me, it's the photographer. We did inside and outside shots. She was snapping pictures for about an hour, and when I got the CD, there were 20 pictures on it. That's all she got that turned out after an hour of shooting? I really disliked about half of the inside shots - the poses were goofy and unnatural and there were things about our positioning that was off and she should have seen and corrected it - and the other half I'm lukewarm at best on. The outside shots I received look great. But, of all the pictures she took outside, we got three. Our wedding is outside, so I would think the pictures will turn out better - but if we only got three from this, how many is she going to miss at the wedding?

It's been a week since I got the disc. FI told me to wait at least a week to "cool off" before I made any decisions, but he is less than thrilled with them as well. He used to be really into photography and actually knows quite a bit about it, which is both good and bad in a case like this. Looking at pictures he's taken of his kids, though, they're a lot better than anything we got from the "professional". Obviously not the same kind of shots, but is it too much to ask a photographer not to take "formal" pictures and just make us look like, well, us?

So, what do I do? She obviously has a different style than what we were looking for. Do I give her another shot and have the engagement pictures retaken, or do I cut my loses now and find a different photographer? The wedding is in about 6 and a half months. If I decide to hire someone else, I'd probably want them to do egagement photos as well so I make sure I like what they can do too.

You ladies are always full of practical advice and I'm sure you'll tell me if I'm being an unreasonable brat on this one. What would you do?

new here (introduction)

Kristin1106 — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 20:48:31 +0000

hi everyone- I'm kristin- and I'm new here. Ok new to this board, not the nest/bump. I apologize for the ridiculous siggy- it was for our last bumpie GTG... and i've given up figuring out how to update after the format of these boards changed...anyway. This will be my second wedding, and FI's as well. I have one DS (3 yrs old). Our date is march 16th. Have the venue booked. We want very small and intimate- a judge will perform the ceremony then just a nice dinner afterwards at a swanky restaurant downtown for 26-30 people depending on a couple siblings that may not be able to fly in bc of work stuff.

What else do I write in this intro... hrm... nice to meet you all. :)

ETA: apparently my siggy is not there, and i have a different username... my original name is kristinhart511. not sure how this strange name came about.....

wrong board ignore!

LADY324 — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 19:19:28 +0000

wrong board sorry!

Today I am thankful to know what is truly important

crazynlove2011 — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 16:52:24 +0000

So for the past 2 1/2 years, I have had a full time job and a part-time job working 60+ hours a week(well 60 one week, 72 the next) as a nurse. I originally did this to pay off debt acquired from a much needed divorce-I took the debt so we could avoid lawyers and just get divorced. Then my lovely fiance and I started dating and I found out that he was accepted in nursing school-a dream of his for 17 years. To assist his dream (though he works 30 hours a week while full time in school), I kept two jobs. Well the goal has always been for me to quit one when we got to spring of 2012. Two jobs have enabled us to pay cash for his entire schooling (over $13,000) as well as pay off debt-something we have both worked so hard to do.

So last night, due to a crazy scheduling issue, we have decided that I am going to finally quit my part-time job. I am excited but scared because all the extra money has been going to a fabulous planned destination wedding for us and his two kids in Vegas in August. Although we have less than a few thousand left to save, it does make me apprehensive. However, last night as I was crying a bit, my honey looked at me and said "what is more important-this day in Vegas or us being together and your body finally resting?" I have to say I thought about it all and this morning I am so thankful that he is agreeable to me quitting the second job a few months early. I do have a chronic health condition that has required a few hospitalizations in the past two years so the fact that he has my health as foremost makes me happy.

So though it makes me nervous and we have agreed to hold off booking everything for the next two months, today I am thankful that we are not being overwhelmed by thoughts of a big crazy wedding day. Instead I feel that we are starting this off with good financial sense as well as relationship sense.

Hello everyone!

MandiNewMommy — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 17:50:54 +0000

Just wanted to say hello and see if you mind if I join?

I am Mandi from Dayton, OH area. I am 30 yrs old and planning my 2nd wedding. He asked me on Christmas and we are planning on getting married June 2013.

I am hoping you ladies can help, while I love my FI to death and cant wait to spend the rest of my life with him I am having a real hard time getting into the wedding planning this time around. My frist wedding was awesome and had the colors I had always wanted and the perfact dress.

This will be my FI first wedding and I want him to have the kind of wedding he wants...I would be happy at the court house to be honest. He is the youngest boy in the family so his family is super excited and ready to plan. My family doesn't seem to be as excited and will not be able to help out money wise like they did for the first one.

My first husband passed away of a heart attack two months after we got married...and I am not sure if that is part of why I can't get into this.

Anyways that is a little about me. Anyone else having a hard time the 2nd time around?

2nd marriage... Veil?

dinaeriksen — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:35:21 +0000

Hi, I know the typical rule is "no veil" but I'm wondering if bending that rule would cause any rude chatter... My wonderful fiancé mentioned that he'd love to see me in a bird cage veil; he thinks they're pretty. It's the one thing he hinted at as far as how I look that day so I'm finding it hard to ignore. The wedding will be less than 30 people in attendance, I'll be wearing a vintage dress (a color, not white or beige), and it will be a civil ceremony followed by a dinner party. Do you think I can get away with it?? I'm kind of a stickler for etiquette... I want to make him happy but also don't want to feel uncomfortable. Thanks! D

Vent...

Jess11213 — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 16:50:00 +0000

UGH!! I just need to vent about my FILs.
I got along pretty good with my FSIL and her husband when FI and I first started dating. Except for the fact that she would ask FI if we were "being good" every time she talked to him. Yes, she was asking about our sex life. I told FI that we absolutely would not discuss that with her. Well, things got worse after we decided to move in together. She went on her rant about starting a relationship in sin and that our relationship would not be graced by god because of this and we would be destined to fail. She even went so far as to send us both a sermon from her church that talked about the evil of getting divorced and sex before marriage. I tried to keep my mouth shut but I couldn't and told her (in the nicest way possible) that her actions were extremely inappropriate and that I was very hurt.

She then said she was "done" with us and even went as far as unfriending both of us on facebook.

That was 4 months ago... fast forward to this weekend...
FFIL asked FI if he would consider contacting his sister to try to get some sort of communication. Being the good son he is, FI sent her an email saying he missed talking to her, but that both of us were hurt and that we felt an apology was needed before communication could be reestablished. Well, FSIL never got to read the email because her husband got to it first and replied saying that he would not be sharing it with her because it would upset her! He also said they would never apologize for their actions and felt they were completely in the right with what they said and did.

I am so frustrated about this because I know it hurts my FI to not have a relationship with his sister. But I am also irritated that someone who is supposed to love and care about us would be so hurtful and childish and not even realize. FI is to the point of not even wanting to invite them to the wedding and it is still almost a year away! I am trying to let all of it go and not let it bug me and I think venting here will definitely help. Thanks for reading.

DW in Florida Keys

+Jessie+ — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 19:55:41 +0000

I posted a bit ago about destination or cruise weddings. I hadn't visited the idea of the US destination weddings until it was mentioned in the post. Does anyone have any idea about eloping in the Florida Keys? Cost? Which website to trust? Who to go through? I'm completely lost in all of this lol!

Honeymoon ... done!

Lisa50 — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 01:07:58 +0000

Finally, we went on our honeymoon. Aruba was great. We spent most of our daylight hours on the beach, either reclining under a palapa or swimming. We found lovely restaurants for dinner every evening. We did not take in any tourist activites. I read three novels and should have brought along a fourth.

All in all, it was the perfect getaway. Getting back to the real world has been a wee bit problematic. I told my boss I'd be happy to open an office in Aruba. He laughed. I'm serious ....

What color wedding dress

stevesbride2012 — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 19:03:11 +0000

Good morning brides.

My name is Julie.This is my secound wedding.I was wondering what color wedding dresses are you ladies wearing,

XP - So excited

squarepeg72 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 04:16:58 +0000

I just got an email from the lady making my dress. She is my "Louisianna mama" and we see each other once a year at a technology conference. She has the muslin mock up started and will have it ready to try on March 1st. We are meeting March 1 to try on the mock up and pick the final fabrics. She is coming up from Louisianna 3 or 4 days before the wedding for final fittings and to help with last minute alterations for the members of the bridal party ... and now for color ... It's LAVENDER! My dress is LAVENDER! So pale it looks almost white - but I'm wearing my favorite color like everybody else. It is going to look great... The guys in white shirts, black pants and eggplant colored ties, the older girls in black dresses and the little girls in eggplant dresses ... and me in a purple dress too! 5 months from tomorrow it all comes together!

This is the gown that inspired my dress:

Necklace question

Ailuja — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 23:45:01 +0000

I searched for a jewelry discussion board and honestly got tired of looking. lol

Since I feel closer to you ladies on this board I will ask my question here. I wanted to wear a rose gold flower necklace during my wedding (given as a gift some years ago). Then I really wanted to wear small pearls. So, in thinking that I like the layered look of necklaces, perhaps there was a way to wear more then one. I see it all the time in the bridal ads but not many actual wedding photos.

What do you guys think? The necklaces would all be dainty but I was thinking of at least 3.

Oh and my dress is off the shoulder straps in a white satin.

Our kids in our ceremony

ladonna75 — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 13:16:49 +0000

Hi!
My fiance and I have both been married before. We each have children from our previous marriages. His children are younger and will be our flower girl and ring bearer. They are 5 and 8. My sons, however, will be 11 and 14 at the time. I don't want to leave them out of the ceremony. I thought about having them walk me down the aisle. It wouldn't be to give me away, but just to show they are in support of our marriage and happiness. Or, I also have thought about having them walk immediately before me with one of the "here comes the bride" signs I have seen. (We are doing a rustic wedding) My mother suggested each of them escort a mom down to be seated. Any suggestions or opinions???

pretty dress

right1thistime — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 17:30:25 +0000

Gifts.. Or no gifts... That is the question!?!

najor04 — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 17:53:00 +0000

Ok... So here is the situation.. This is the second marriage for both my FI and I, and I've seemed to have run into a problem, and was curious to see everyone's thoughts on it... Fist let me give you a little bit of background about our wedding.. We are getting married in a small chapel at 3pm, then at 7pm we are hosting a cocktail party with hot and cold hor'douerves.. We are holding the reception at an FOP hall. We are not having assigned seating and actually have rented a couple of high top bar tables for people to stand around and drink/eat! Now, here is my question.. Has anyone specified on their invitation "No Gifts"?? My future mother-in-law is very adamant that we list that on our invites because it is both of our second marriages.. just curious to see what everyone's thought were!

I am getting re-married and planning the 2nd wedding is so overwhelming.

Rasusandy — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:34:43 +0000

I am getting married again and this time I picked the most perfect guy. He has never been married before and wants to have a wedding. I, on the other hand have already done the big wedding and I am finding this "Planning" is very difficult. I always said if I got married again I would either do it on a cruise ship or a beach. My fiancé is all for that and then having a reception back home (Missouri) when we get back. I guess my question is.....Has anyone else felt this way and where do I start. Does anyone have any pros/cons for Beach vs. Cruise weddings? I need to start planning and I know once I start it will all fall together....Help.

making decisions!

Jess11213 — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 18:08:11 +0000

So excited to be making some decisions! I decided last night that I will have a brooch bouquet instead of flowers. I really don't like flowers to begin with and I really didn't want to spend the money on them, but I LOVE antique (or antique looking) jewelry so this seems like such a good idea. And it will fit in well with the theme we decided of a sparly winter wonderland! I am so excited to start getting brooches. Going to the thrift store with my youngest son today to see if we can find anything.
We also decided that we want to do a family sand ceremony. Has anyone else done this? How did it work?

Need invitation wording help?!?

zeke17us — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 20:31:32 +0000

This will be my second wedding and FIs first. We are having a fairly large wedding (80% FIs friends and family, and about 20% mine)

Because it is my second my parents arent really helping much with expenses (as I expected, they spent a small fortune on my first :( )

FIs parents on the other hand are contributing enough, that if we stay on course, will cover nearly the whole wedding (something they are adamant about doing).

I am so greatful to them but this is where it gets tricky for me!

I dont know how to word the invitations!

Some of FIs friends and family know this is my second wedding but many others dont (simply becuase we've never met/discusses it).

I want to give FIs parents credit for helping us so much but I dont want it to appear as though my parents dont care (since traditionally the brides parents are the one to front the bill/appear on the invites), and I feel it will look that way if I leave them off the invite.

My preference is to not include any names on the invite but FIs and mine, can that be done?!

Just looking for suggestions!

Thank you!

Trying to remember this is HIS first wedding!

onlyteri2002 — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 23:53:22 +0000

So as I work on planning my offbeat yet heartfelt second wedding, I keep forgetting that this is my fiance's first wedding and that he wants all the classic traditions! My first wedding was a traditional Catholic wedding and this time I refuse to have a Catholic wedding! I want something Fun and Unique! We have managed to agree on a Zombis themed wedding invite, and a black white and Zombie cake! No our lives do not have a Zombie Theme, but our blended family of 5 kids do play Zombie games LOL. To get back on topic, how do I deal with him wanting very traditional wedding features when I don't see the point in them, and in a way very them as very bad luck? I want to make sure he has a great wedding experience! Hey I did cave and agree to looking a wedding dresses and will be buying one very soon. Has anyone else dealt with the second ? first wedding issue?

How to Deal with Critics

right1thistime — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 13:34:55 +0000

Another great article from the Harvard Business Review. Applicable in the workplace, and in so much of life (including message boards!). ~Donna
http://blogs.hbr.org/cs/2012/01/how_to_deal_with_critics.html?referral=00563&cm_mmc=email-_-newsletter-_-daily_alert-_-alert_date&utm_source=newsletter_daily_alert&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=alert_date

FI will have no guests...

btrsweet — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 05:47:22 +0000

Hello, everyone! I have a little bit of a dilemma. Originally, my FI (his first marriage) and I (my second) were going to have a small DW in Mexico next year (and we still may have one, but in 2014), but two things happened that changed that: first, my parents (who have become second parents to him as well) and my friends cannot afford to travel, and second, he knows me too well and suggested that we have something locally...he knows I want to celebrate with family and friends. The problem is, he is right. I want to have a small but nice wedding celebration with my family and friends around me this time around (last time wasn't so good). BUT...he is from another country and his family and close friends, who are all back home, wouldn't be able to make it for the wedding. He insists it is OK that we have the wedding locally, but am I being rediculous? On the one hand, I know that it's normal to want the wedding that I would like to have, and I know that he wouldn't mind, but would that be weird to have a wedding where it's just all my guests and none for him? I'm at a loss... :(