My brother is newly engaged, to a very progressive fiancée, which surprised the whole family. He’s always been very conservative, a hardcore Trump voter. I’m progressive (and closeted queer) as well, and was delighted to notice positive changes in him, from unfollowing Elon Musk on Twitter to avoiding his nightly Daily Wire in favor of playing Dungeon and Dragons with his fiancée.

However, I’ve discovered that this isn’t real. It never was. Last night, he texted me an unprovoked late-night rant about how the LGBTQIA+ community shouldn’t have rights until they stop their “delusions,” and how I should be ashamed of myself for being near “those people.” He wasn’t drunk or high or fighting off a fever, but his fiancée was visiting her mother. It’s making me think that the progressive “strides” he made were just a show for his fiancée! Should I show her the screenshots?

I just finalized a long-awaited divorce and am finally rid of the worthless piece of shit. My friends and I are planning to throw a party to celebrate. My mother, however, is giving me grief over this because she thinks it’s in poor taste and that the end of a marriage is a “tragedy.” She has remained in a wretched marriage to my father, and neither of them can stand the other, so she’s one to talk! May I tell her to shut up already?

My neighbors directly behind me recently got chickens. And a rooster. For the last week, I have been woken up and heard constant crowing for the next hour while I get ready for work. I checked my city’s municipal code and rosters are illegal. Is being annoyed by the noise enough to call and make a complaint? They are people of color and I am very aware of how people in this town are usually treated by authorities.

I have been pretty involved in the lives of my preteen nieces since their mom died three years ago. My brother often travels for work, so the girls stay with me and often on the weekend even when their dad is here. My condo has an indoor swimming pool. My brother started dating a mom with a 15-year-old daughter, “Jessica.” Jessica started wanting to tag along when I took the girls shopping or out to events. At first, I didn’t mind, but increasingly it got annoying because her mother never gave me money for food or other expenses, and Jessica often spent the money she had and complained she didn’t have any left if she wanted something else.

My nieces have been saving and learning to budget their allowances since they started earning it. We were coming back from the farmer’s market and stopped at Starbucks. They had small samples out that the girls tried. Jessica wanted to buy something but had no money. I told her I was just getting a black coffee, and we were going home. What happened was Jessica went to her mother and lied that I got my nieces a treat and not her. Her mother went into mama bear mode and texted me a nasty message.

Obviously, I went to my brother and my nieces backed me up. I didn’t receive an apology from either Jessica or her mother—so I told my brother Jessica was persona non grata on the trips. Not only was she a liar, but over something as trivial as a drink, and a bad one at that. Her mother didn’t even bother to ask before attacking me. My brother is very upset and says that my “punishment” is going endanger his romance. I say Jessica is 15, not 5. The consequences of not coming along after her behavior are perfectly natural. He threatened to keep my nieces away, so I bluntly told him that if he did, he would have to tell them the truth or I would. My nieces are still coming over but my relationship with my brother is frosty. What should I do?

—Buy Your Own

My brother just got engaged. His fiancée is wonderful, and I think she’s great, the whole family loves her. Here’s the problem: I can’t pretend everything’s fine and stand next to my brother at the ceremony. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD because of some of the things he did to me. I’m still recovering from traumatic events I experienced because of him, and I can’t shake the memories and flashbacks, no matter how hard I try, so I limit my time around him. Most gatherings are fine, we keep a bit of distance and make small talk, and then I leave, but the best man can’t exactly disappear mid-ceremony to fend off a panic attack. He’s made strides, apologized, and that’s great, but it’s not enough to make me forget the past, magically heal, and be his best man.

His fiancée really wants us to get along and have a better relationship (she grew up in a big, close family), and she wants me to be in her wedding. I don’t feel comfortable being his best man, and I don’t know how to say this without dredging up our ugly past. The fiancée doesn’t know what happened beyond the basics that something occurred and we split apart, so she won’t understand why I’m saying no. Do I suck it up and pretend everything’s fine, or do I attend as a guest and break my future sister-in-law’s heart? I’m not willing to tell her why, as I do genuinely care about my brother’s happiness, and I don’t want our past getting in the way of his relationship, since he’s not that guy anymore.

—Struggling With Support

One of my co-workers, “Antonia,” is struggling. We are both physicians and do shift work in a close group setting. I am probably her closest friend in our group of 30 physicians. Antonia has been diagnosed with ADHD but has never taken medication for it. She is a competent, incredibly empathetic, wonderful doctor, but frequently loses her focus: she leaves papers / stethoscopes / laptops scattered all over the hospital, fills the shared office fridge with snacks she intends to eat and never does, etc. She also has a strong tendency to talk down on herself, and it is hard to listen to. She will frequently say things like, “I took too long to do that note, so I don’t deserve to eat lunch today”; or, “I know I’m the most scatterbrained person in this office, so I understand if you guys don’t want to be my friend.”

She was recently promoted to co-lead of our physician group (no one else applied for the job, so it was her or no one) and … it’s been rough. Recently she presented a proposed change in workflow to our group at our monthly meeting. I know this is a process she has had many meetings about with other specialties and has thought through carefully. However, her presentation to our group was confusing, tangential, and really hard to follow. A lot of questions arose, she got flustered, and her answers made even less sense, and it eventually culminated in her apologizing over and over, near-tears, and withdrawing the proposal she had spent so many hours preparing.

I don’t know what to do. I think her untreated ADHD is destroying her work success and her self-esteem. When she has opened up to me privately about her difficulties in the past, I have recommended a therapist I have worked with before who was really helpful for me; she saw him one time, which I am so glad she was open to, but had no follow-up and things haven’t gotten better. I think medication for ADHD would really help Antonia, but even as a physician and her close friend, I don’t know how to talk to her about that, or if I should at all. My worry is that she already has a low self-esteem and that even my most well-intentioned comments may be hurtful and unproductive. Do I just take her to lunch and listen, keep my thoughts about meds to myself, and keep watching this slow-motion crash and burn?

My wife and I have two kids, and we didn’t give them traditional names but short one-syllable ones. Think Luz or Bri. My mother always uses song nicknames for my sister and me. Think Lola, so my sister was Lo Lo Lee Ah as a baby. So with our babies, my mother will make up names and use them rather than their actual ones. Only people will then use the incorrect names like Lucy or Brilee. Someone will correct them, and that is all I think needs to be done, but it gets under my wife’s skin. She constantly complains about it. She says my mother is being passive-aggressive and petty about the name choices.

While it was clear my mother wasn’t the biggest fan of the names, she didn’t complain about them and put them on the baby blankets she made for them. She refers to them by name in texts and stuff. She only uses the silly nicknames verbally. I pointed out to my wife that her family has a similar tradition of using short nicknames. She says that it is entirely different and that I need to talk to my mom. I really don’t think this is a habit worth picking a fight over. Can I get an outside opinion?

I hate sleeping with my girlfriend! Well, actually, I hate sleeping with anyone. I’ve always strongly preferred to sleep solo, but when my girlfriend stays over at my place (or vice versa), we both sleep in the same bed. She snores, hogs blankets, and has kicked me a few times. I sleep very poorly whenever we sleep together, which she has noticed, but I haven’t mentioned her snoring because I don’t want her to feel bad (she can’t help it! I drool in my sleep, I can’t help that either!). I’ve told her I prefer to sleep alone before, but it’s become a hot topic now that we’re discussing moving in together.

She has agreed to separate bedrooms, but she wants us to sleep together once a week. I love her, but that sounds like torture. Even if she were the perfect sleep companion, I would hate that. I suggested we sleep together once a month, but she was quite upset at the idea. She says the physical closeness of sleeping together helps her feel safe and secure. I feel awful that I don’t feel the same. It’s nothing against her personally, I just really, really value my sleep! We’re at an impasse.

I’m under five feet tall and get rather claustrophobic when pushed to the back of a crowded elevator. What can I do to make people more considerate?

Our neighbors down the block are expecting their second child soon. Their 3-year-old son “Albert” frequently plays with my son “Manny,” who is the same age.

Albert’s parents are shall we say, less than enlightened when it comes to things like sex, and told him his new brother will be brought by Mr. Stork (I’m not kidding) around the time Albert’s mother is due. Albert repeated this to Manny. My husband and I were honest with our son about where babies come from when he asked us when he was 2 years old, and Manny proceeded to correct the record for Albert. Now Albert’s parents are furious and won’t let them be friends anymore. Should I apologize for my son, or is it better to let this one fizzle out?

The other day, I went out to a restaurant for a nice quiet meal, only to be interrupted by a couple with a screaming toddler seated next to me. In a situation like this, is it rude to ask them to do something about the noise? Or, if that isn’t effective, to request that the restaurant staff make them leave?

I don’t know how to handle my daughter anymore. Her brother is eight years older than her and joined the military at 18, so she was used to being the only kid for a while. When she was 14, a family tragedy happened, and my husband and I ended up adopting the infant. I didn’t expect my daughter to be all sunshine and roses about the situation, but her moodiness has morphed into a real mean streak.

At best, she ignores her little brother, and at the worst, she complains and calls him “it” as in, “Why can’t I shut it up” when he is being loud and playing. She will not lift a finger if the favor involves her being around her brother. We are not demanding that she babysit every day, but it is ludicrous that she can’t get groceries out of the car while I am trying to wrestle a cranky toddler.

My husband and I finally had a serious talk with our daughter because her behavior is only getting worse. She exploded and started ranting about how she wasn’t “consulted” about the adoption, she didn’t want a little brother, and would never consider him family. My husband snapped that she was acting utterly selfish, and she wasn’t a queen who could give out commands. This was her little brother, and whether or not I had given birth to him, it doesn’t change the fact.

Our daughter stormed out and was gone for several days, and didn’t tell us where she was. She graduated from high school last year but has no motivation toward continuing her education or finding work. People just kept telling us this was normal and suggested we gave our daughter a chance to adjust. That isn’t happening. So what now? It is starting to negatively affect our son.

For the parental guilt trip files: My mom is slow, and tired, and crabby. A normal amount for 80ish. My brother and I are middle aged, and hitting a phase in life where the kids are launched, or nearly, and there’s time and money to spare. We’ve started traveling together, with our spouses. I like his wife, he likes my husband, we all share interests, and we make a good traveling foursome.

Each time we’ve taken a trip together, my mom has posted pictures we sent her on her own Facebook, with a comment about how jealous she is that her kids are doing cool stuff and how she wasn’t invited. We resolved to stop sending her pictures, but if she knows we’re traveling, she begs for them. So we complied, with requests not to post publicly. She “forgot” and did it anyway. So we didn’t tell her about the next trip, and then she took pictures from our social media after the fact and did the same damn thing. “My kids went to the Grand Canyon! How I would have loved to see it again before I die…” Or, “I asked if there was room for me on the kids’ trip to London, but it “didn’t work out this time” and then all her elderly friends commented about how they too are “left behind” by the younger generation.

Her hurt seems enough that I’ve started to question the situation! On the one hand, this is the perfect time for us to do this; our knees won’t hold out forever for the kind of active travel we currently enjoy. And traveling with mom is a non-starter, since she needs multiple naps a day and takes a half-hour to traverse a city block. We do visit them a couple times a year, and on the rare occasion they visit us in our cities, we make every accommodation (paying for parking downtown or taking cabs, instead of herding everyone on the subway, for example) and slow our lives waaaaay down to make it nice for them. I thought we were doing OK in terms of including them and still living our own lives. But she’s making me wonder if our sibling trips are objectively exclusionary and hurtful?

When my ex and I were married, we had trouble conceiving and years of heartache. I thought our marriage was strong enough to survive this, then I discovered he was having an affair with my sister. We had a huge, traumatic confrontation and my then husband and I decided to move and make a fresh start. A few weeks after we moved, my sister gave the news that—surprise!—she was pregnant. My ex then divorced me to start a family with her. Because I’d just started a new job and had a mortgage, it was financially impossible for me to leave. I stayed in the new city by myself and eventually made friends and settled there. My parents were also very hurt and angry, but when the baby came they mellowed and reconciled. My niece is now 5 and I have never met her. We take turns attending family functions because I can’t bear to be in the same room as them. Recently my parents gently asked if I would consider having a Christmas dinner with my sister. I told them I would think about it and I really did. I took a deep breath and went on my sister’s Facebook page for the first time. There, I saw hundreds of happy pictures of them as a family. My ex-husband kissing her after she’d just given birth, photos of the happy first birthday party, family trips, etc. She was tagged in a status update from my ex: “Celebrating another amazing anniversary with my beautiful wife, thank you for giving me so much happiness and our perfect daughter.” I literally vomited after reading that. After five years, is it time for me to get over it and try to force myself to at least tolerate their company?

​​Recently, I had a fight so big with my boyfriend at Walmart that I just ran out to the car and drove home, leaving him at the store. Here’s where he messed up.

I was wearing running shorts that went down to just above the knee. This older woman comes up behind me and loudly says, “she’s showing her ass to the whole store!” I turned around and said, “excuse me?” She told me I was dressed “way too slutty” to be out in public. I turned to my boyfriend for support, and he averted his eyes. “Are you gonna let her talk to me that way?” I asked. “Forget it, let’s just go,” he replied, in an irritated voice.

I folded my arms and said, “No. This lady called me a name and I want you to defend me.” “Sorry about my girlfriend, ma’am. Would you mind just walking away?” my boyfriend said to the lady. I couldn’t believe my boyfriend had taken her side over mine. I wanted to scream at him in frustration, but we were in public so I just left him there. He had to call an Uber to get home. Prudie, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t have my back. I’m ready to throw him out over this. He says I’m making too big a deal and to let it go. Who is right?

I had a serious falling out with my younger brother after he became extremely aggressive toward my then-boyfriend. Several months later, I discovered a tracker in my bag and finally understood that my boyfriend was a controlling douchebag.

The problem is that my family is now pressuring me to apologize and make up with my brother because he was “looking out for me” and I was “wrong” about my boyfriend. I just don’t believe that is how this works. Whatever his intentions, my brother crossed some serious boundaries, became physically violent, and insulted both my partner and me. I’m not willing to draw a line under that, and I am also sick to death of men behaving badly. Am I wrong? Do you have a script for telling my family to back off? They don’t seem to be getting my point of view at all.

I am 49, newly divorced, and I find myself without close friends. For the past two years, I’ve been actively trying to build connections. I go to church and volunteer, rent a box at the community garden to meet other gardeners, attend events at the local library, chat with vendors at the farmers market, and know all my neighbors by name. People are friendly, but I’m still alone every Friday night. If this were just happening to me, I’d chalk it up to my age or stage in life. But my sons, who are 18 and 20, are struggling to find meaningful friendships too. Is this just how the world is now? Where have all the friendships gone?

My 20-year-old son “Ted” has a 19-year-old girlfriend named “Dahlia.” Dahlia is very well-endowed and rarely wears a bra. However, she does wear low-cut clothing and often looks like she’s about to fall out. The dress she was wearing last night was so small on her that it she couldn’t zip it up all the way and she was very close to a nip slip. When she walked in the door she looked at me, shrugged her shoulders and said, “I know this is a low-cut dress” as if she knew she was coming to my house, knew what my expectations were, but came looking like that anyway. Here’s my problem: She’s going on vacation with us in a week. I don’t want to seem prudish but I do want to get through to her that this type of dress isn’t appropriate for the places we’ll be going and the people we’ll be seeing. I’ll be asking her before we leave if she’s got bras in her suitcase and I am ready to leave her behind if she doesn’t or make her go out and buy a few or buy them for her. What do I do? How do I handle this without alienating her but helping her to understand that something that is fine when you’re out clubbing is not fine when you’re trying to make a good impression with your boyfriend’s family?

My ex-boyfriend’s birthday is coming up in a few days. Should I send him a card? I would give anything to reconnect with him, but it has been a year since we broke up. Our circumstances were chaotic at the time (I was sick/his life was in shambles last we spoke), and he just needed space. I guess if I simply wanted to wish him a good day, sure; but I am hoping for this to be the crack in the door to get us communicating again. What do you think?

Ten years ago I was in my early 20s, living in a large city and having fun. I went on a date with an attractive man but he told me things about himself that seemed too good to be true, so I ruled him out as a potential boyfriend. But we did go to a hotel and had a tawdry one-night stand. Today I have an amazing career that has taken me to a rural location. A year ago a new friend invited me to supper and presto, her husband is the hookup from my past. He did not give any indication of knowing who I was. I have since determined that they didn’t know each other when he and I had our date. (And it turns out he was telling me the truth about his life.) I see my friend frequently, and see them as a couple occasionally. Because I live in a small town, finding romance has been difficult. Until now. I recently met an attractive man and we both feel a sincere connection to each other. It turns out he is the brother of my friend’s husband. Do I have any responsibility to disclose to this new man that I had a tawdry night with his brother 10 years ago?

I was browsing a men-seeking-men dating app when I came across the profile of my neighbor, “Gary.”  He described himself as “single and looking for fun.”  I happen to know that Gary is married with two kids under 3 years old. The thing is, I don’t know his wife “Bethany” that well; we’ve only ever waved to one another in the neighborhood and briefly engaged in small talk when we run into each other. Is it my place to say something to her, or is this none of my business?

My best friend is getting married while pregnant. Do we combine the wedding shower with the baby shower, or hold them as separate events?

—One and Done, or Two?