My wife and I have a 5-year-old and a 4-year-old. We have been fighting about trying to get the kids to sleep in their own beds since our oldest was 3. I want our adult space back and she will agree with me then back down the next time one of the kids tries to crawl into our bed.

When she was away for two weeks, I kept a strict schedule of a glass of water, one story, a kiss, and a few cuddles before it was lights out. If the kids got up, they went right back to bed. I was getting woken up three or four times a night, but eventually, the kids started to adjust to the schedule and slept through the night in their own room. Then when my wife got back, she fell into the bad pattern of just backing down and saying it was “just one night.”

It isn’t one night. It is a failure to keep consistent boundaries with our kids. I am tired of being put into the territory of the bad guy here. It doesn’t help that I have a major surgery coming up that will put me on mandatory bedrest and while I love my kids, I am not looking forward to getting slammed with pain because one of the kids crawls in with us and head butts me. I love my wife and I love my kids but I want my bed back. Help!

—Not a Big Enough Bed

I’m an aspiring writer, and I’ve almost completed a good draft of what would be my first novel. A major plot line involves a couple in a fantasy setting who escape from a difficult cultural situation and fall in love with each other during the journey. It’s kind of a sexy and gritty romance, with some intense scenes where the characters aren’t sure they can trust each other because of their difficult lives. To be totally honest, it’s probably a little cliché, or at least I thought so.

A close friend of mine read my draft and told me that she thinks it’s a problematic portrayal of romance, based on trauma bonding and fuzzy consent. Her ideas for what to change feel to me like they would take the romance and sexual chemistry out of the story. I thanked her for her feedback and made a joke about it being for adults and not an instructional manual, but now I’m kind of in my head about the ethics of my writing. This is my favorite type of story, and I’m in a respectful and functional romantic relationship. It’s OK to write a romance that isn’t perfect, right?

—Problematic Problems

My dad had an affair and divorced my mom when I was 12. He immediately dropped out of my life. He moved three hours away and we saw each other on holidays, only at his convenience. When his second wife had a baby a few years later, the holidays and child support stopped. I was really sad and angry. My mom and I lost our apartment and had to move in with relatives. Eventually, wage garnishment kicked in and he’s still paying it off now. Being broke when I didn’t have to be as a kid sucked as much as not having a dad. My mom worked all the time, and I got into a lot of trouble in my late teens because I was never supervised. I know blended families can be great. My mom married her boyfriend in 2022 and he’s been a nonstop presence both for the kids of his first marriage and for me. My dad didn’t have to be like this. Everything I know about being a man I learned either from the internet or my stepdad.

My dad lost his son to a car accident this spring. I only found out when his extended family called me to ask why I wasn’t at the funeral. Somehow they didn’t know that he wasn’t in my life. The death, and maybe shaming from his family made him reach out. I agreed to see him and he apologized for “not being around enough” but I only felt angry. He‘s still the same man who disappeared from my life and didn’t care that his actions could have made me homeless. I’m not a replacement for the son he actually loved and I don’t want to be. My stepdad is pushing me to be the bigger man but I kind of never want to see my dad again. What do I do here? I know he’s grieving, but seriously, fuck him.

—Angry

My boyfriend and I have been dating since freshman year of college (about 3.5 years). We both graduated last May and have been looking for work. I am currently doing an internship and working part-time. The other day, he told me that he accepted a job to teach English overseas. He was so excited about the prospect of traveling and seeing the world. When I asked him about us and our future together, he said that he’d only be gone for two years and that we’d be fine with the long-distance thing.

I am utterly heartbroken over this. He never talked to me or asked my opinion before taking this job. I am devastated that he’s just leaving me like this. I don’t know what to do. I know that if I throw down an ultimatum (i.e., “You can take this job or you can be with me, but you can’t have both”), he’ll resent me. But right now, I resent him! I’m so upset that he’s just abandoning me like this and throwing our relationship away.

I always thought that we would get married and have kids. I thought that was what he wanted. He’s claiming that we can get married and have kids when he comes back, but I don’t want to wait two whole years. And besides, when he comes back, he’ll have to find a job and establish himself over here.

I feel like I’m trapped. I feel like he is asking me to put my life on hold for him. I don’t know what to do. He’s told me numerous times that he loves me, but he didn’t even ask if I wanted to come along with him on his international adventure. He just expects me to sit and wait for him, and I don’t want to do that. I know that I can’t force him to stay because he’ll resent me, but if he leaves, I’ll resent him. Heck, I already resent him for taking this job without discussing it with me. What can I do?

—Abandoned

I’ve had a rough last couple of years. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for most of my adult life, but (as was the case for so many others) the pandemic made everything much worse, as did some other challenges I’ve experienced since then. Now I’m in my 30s and feel like I’ve accomplished nothing of value in my life. I’m starting to try to put things back together, but I still have times where I feel like a useless waste of space (due to my difficulties in getting a job and general executive dysfunction making it hard to get things done in a timely manner).

Here’s the part that complicates things. About five years ago, a family friend I’ll call “Ella” (someone I’d known for 20-plus years) needed a liver transplant after her own liver failed due to aggressive cancer treatment. She knew she wouldn’t get to the top of the transplant list so she posted a public ask on social media. I was a blood type match and considered submitting myself for testing, but ultimately decided not to; I had a series of complicated reasons (medical and logistical) I used to justify it, but ultimately, I was just scared and didn’t want to. The friend never received a liver transplant and passed away last year.

In the years since this, this decision has been one I’ve looked back on less than fondly. I know this isn’t rational, but I sometimes imagine a world where I did do it and think that maybe in that alternate reality, I would be in better shape because no matter what, I’d know that I did one amazing thing in my life. On very bad days, I’ve even had the thought cross my mind that maybe all the bad things I’ve endured since then are some kind of karmic punishment for not saving a life when I could have. I feel like I can’t tell anyone about this because they wouldn’t understand (and because most of the people I would even consider telling were friends with Ella, and I don’t feel comfortable involving them in this for that reason), and I struggle to trust therapists due to some previous bad experiences. How do I move past this and stop playing the “what if” game?

—Liv(er)ing With The Question

I own a 1-bedroom condo that I often sublease when I am out of the country. My half-sister got pregnant once in high school and again in college. She ended up dropping out and has been living with random relatives ever since. She and her mother fight like cats and dogs, so my sister and her kids never stay with our parents long.

I made the mistake of letting her and the kids move in for a month after my tenant left early. I came home to find my home completely trashed. Markers on the walls, stains on my couch, carpet and my mattress, missing dishes, and somehow broken tiles in my bathroom. My sister claimed that it was all the fault of my former tenant and refused to pay for any repairs (my tenant sent me pictures of them leaving the place in good condition). I ended up having to spend over $2,000 in order to get the place back up to snuff.

I was very vocal with my family and friends about my displeasure—so now that my sister is on the outs again with her mother, she blames me for no one wanting to take her and the kids in. I love my sister and her kids, but she has burnt every bridge she comes across and it is always someone else’s fault. Is there anything to do here?

—Big Mess

I have a friend who can be socially awkward in group situations. She means well and is a kind person, but she can rub people the wrong way and I struggle bringing her around my social circle. She wants to be included, but I don’t think she realizes how she comes off. She does not have a lot of friends, so I think it stems from insecurity; she overcompensates by talking a lot and will interject with a story (sometimes relevant, sometimes not) while a conversation is happening. I think it is her way of trying to connect to others, but the stories fall flat, she overshares personal information (health issues, family drama, money), and it’s nonstop throughout the course of the entire time we are together. She wants to be included in things, and often says she wants to be better friends with members of my social circle. My friends are gracious and will accept her coming time to time, but it’s also been made known to me her comments can be insensitive and insulting to them. And to be frank, she is just annoying at times with being overly chatty with her nonstop stories and not letting others finish their conversations. Is there a polite way to address her behavior? I feel awkward and uncomfortable when she is around.

—Awkward Friend

My husband and I are on our second marriages and working on blending our family. We have two kids (13/15) from my previous marriage that he has stepped up to be their dad. One thing that we’re not in agreement on is our sleeping schedules. We moved into our house together after marriage and have been navigating this for about six months. He’s a night owl and I am an early riser. We both work from home so we have plenty of time to talk throughout the day, but he’ll take a nap in the afternoon and afterschool tasks, dinner, practices, and pick ups will be my responsibility from 3p.m. to 10 p.m. He works overnight on Friday and Saturday for additional money so the weeknights are our time to fall asleep together. He’ll wake up from an afternoon nap and then chill downstairs or barely engage with us upstairs and then wants to have an update on how things with me and kids are going when I come to bed. He says it’s  equal me having time to myself from 5:30 a.m. to 6:30 a.m. while the house is quiet in the morning to meditate. I told him this is not the same and he says he needs his time like I have my time and is not interested in changing because this is important to him. I didn’t see this coming, and I’m tired of asking my husband to fall asleep with me. Are my expectations unreasonable, are these things the same?

—Losing the Fight to Fight

I could use some friends, but I just don’t feel up to it. There are a few moms of my tween’s friends who pass the vibe check and seem really great..but one invited us all over to bonfire it up while the kids trick-or-treat, and it just seems exhausting. Every “mom friendship” has an expiration date built in, it seems. The kids don’t mesh, sabbaticals end, we switch schools, or stay-at-home parents go back to working outside the home. I never see it coming, and always feel bereft. Everyone is too busy to maintain something that doesn’t coincide with our kids’ schedules. It’s fine! It makes sense. It’s not cruelty, it’s just life! My teen is an 8th grader, new-ish to this school, and I know that this group of kids will all be a different high-schools next year. How do I muster the energy to enjoy what could be really great, probably temporary, camaraderie with their pretty dope moms?

—Tired Mom Seeking Same? Maybe?

I went to my regular hairdresser today for a normal cut and blow dry. From the minute he greeted me, I thought, “This guy is ON SOMETHING.” He was far more exuberant, dramatic, talkative, and clumsy than normal. Plus he was a bit forgetful from moment to moment. I’ve never, in 25 years, seen him like that.

He gave me a good haircut—maybe a bit faster and shorter than normal, but all in all fine. And throughout it all I kept reminding myself that it was just hair…even if it wasn’t good, it would grow out. Alls well that ends well. Now I’m wondering if I should go back in and say something to him. Should I let him know that I noticed and am concerned?

—Cut and Dry

I (31F) am in a small group of very close friends, with “Jane” (30F) being my childhood best friend. She and “Walt” (37M) had a child 13 months ago. Since then, their marriage has suffered. There’s constant tension between them. My heart aches for them. Neither of them is the villain.

I’m not a couples therapist, but I am a counselor. Jane trusts my perspective. I love supporting her, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. She’ll say she wants advice, and then gets frustrated when I provide it. She’ll want to vent without me giving advice, and then is disappointed when I don’t offer it anyway. She demands a lot of my time and sulks when she doesn’t get it; I see her two to three times weekly, work full-time, and can’t give more. I’m devastated that she’s suffering, but I’m held to unattainable standards—her expectations for Walt have transitioned onto me. We had a surprisingly tense exchange, where at her explicit request I pointed her to some free resources for communication. She snapped at me: The situation will never improve. She and Walt are forever damaged, and I need to stop intervening. I decided that if she asks for input, it’s best if I don’t give it and just remain sympathetic.

We love them. They clearly need support outside of the free childcare we provide. But the vibe is such a bummer! We desperately want to help—but their marriage is none of our business. We have begun spending more time together without them. I’m torn between feeling relieved, and guilty that we have scaled back. How do we help them through this, without sacrificing one of our entire weekend days to their bickering and sullen silences?  And, perhaps more importantly, how do I balance Jane’s needs with my own?

—Nunya

What do I do about my best friend? We worked together, were at each other’s houses all the time, and went out together. I ended up drinking at night to combat crippling anxiety. She helped me through all of it. I went to rehab and wrote her but when I came home, she just stopped all contact. I helped her through her divorce, then my husband filed a divorce from me. I reached out to her and heard nothing. Should I just give up?

—Unreachable

My husband and I have been together for eight years, married for four, and have two kids (3F, 2M). I just returned to work as a teacher this fall after staying home since our daughter was born. We are both very neat, clean, organized people, and the house is definitely more messy now with me back to work. To be clear, I mean we’re not vacuuming and mopping daily anymore like I usually could when I stayed home, not that there’s actual filth anywhere. The majority of people would still consider our home extremely clean and neat. I know it bothers my husband more than me, but I don’t have the time or energy and he either doesn’t have or doesn’t use his time to clean more, so it’s not happening as often.

Two weeks ago, in the middle of a stupid fight over something that had broken (and how closely/carefully I was supervising our kids when it broke), my husband said that his life would be much easier, simpler, and maybe even happier without me and our kids in it. I was so surprised and hurt that I just turned, walked away, and went into our room and cried. He came in a few minutes later and said he hadn’t meant it to come out so harshly, he’s just really stressed out by the extra clutter and how much less time it seems like we all have with me back at work. Since then, he’s put in more effort around the house, but I can’t forget that comment. It seems like such an extreme reaction. A few days ago, I told him how much it was still hurting me. He said he hadn’t actually meant it, he just gets emotional in the heat of the moment and that’s how it comes out. I told him that didn’t really make it better for me because it meant he said it just to hurt me and that there’s things you say that can’t be taken back, no matter how hard you try. He’s now mad at me and saying there’s nothing he could possibly do to make up for his “dumb comment.” I honestly don’t know what will make me forget it. No matter how angry or stressed I was, I would never think to tell him I’d be better off without him and/or the kids. Help?

—Does He Even Want to Be Here?

My husband is from a traditional culture. Women and men have separate roles and men support the family, or it’s a huge source of shame. I kept distance from his parents because I saw the ways they ran roughshod all over his siblings’ marriages with these values. When we got engaged, we promised each other at his request to keep his family from meddling in our marriage. We moved three hours away to help with this and for a long time, it was great.

In 2020, he was a COVID layoff. My job had a pay cut, but I was still working full time while managing remote school for our three kids. He wasn’t working, wasn’t parenting, was just there. By late 2021, the job market for his field was the hottest it’s ever been. He was barely applying and said he wasn’t ready to work again. We were broke, and he still refused to get any type of health screening. I felt trapped. I consulted a divorce attorney, who told me my chances for a fair split with child support were DOA if he wasn’t working. So I quietly worked the family grapevine to make sure his parents knew he was unemployed, turning down job offers, and that I was worried about supporting our kids on my income alone.

They were instantly on him. I felt so guilty but so relieved: They drove out to our place for a surprise visit where his dad lit into him about work. He told him to either take the job or come work for his oldest brother. His mom brought lots of food and lots of passive aggression. He took the job, and after he started, he got a depression screening. The combination of a work routine, therapy, and low dose SSRIs brought him back as a loving husband and involved dad. But I know he’s still working to shore up boundaries with his parents who took the incident as a reason to be in his business constantly. I feel so guilty for breaking his trust, but it saved our marriage. How do I live with this?

—Broken Promise Wife

I’m a big fan of the movie When Harry Met Sally. My wife is younger and from a different country, so she’s never seen it. However, I told her before we got married that I strongly agreed with the central thesis of the movie that men and women cannot be platonic friends. And I’m not a hypocrite. I don’t have—or desire to have—any female friends.

My wife, on the other hand, does have male friends. This is a constant source of drama in our marriage. I don’t understand why she needs male friends. She has more in common with other women, and if she needs male companionship, she has me. It seems like I’m constantly on her case about this, and I don’t understand why this isn’t something she can sacrifice to keep the peace in our relationship. If it’s that important for her to have emotional bonds with other men, that is a huge red flag.

I know how this sounds—but I often let things go that bother me if I figure they aren’t a big deal. You simply can’t fight about every difference of opinion in marriage. I choose my battles. But this is a big deal to me—a dealbreaker—a battle I feel compelled to choose. It’s a core belief I’ve had for most of my life. Since this is more important to me than it is to her, shouldn’t she give in on this one?

—Harry Burns

For my second marriage, 10 years ago, I (62 M) married a single mom (56 F) with a daughter I’ll call “Emily,” who is currently 22. My wife is a major overachiever with high expectations of herself. She has a law degree, a master’s in HR, and she’s currently pursuing a nursing degree. Our daughter is completely the opposite. She has repeatedly declared that “she wants to be mediocre, and what’s wrong with that?” Putting actions behind her words, she dropped out of college after the first semester and she is working in retail as a cashier. In January of this year, she moved out of our home and eventually with a new boyfriend she recently acquired. At least he seems to treat her right.

However, this situation, as you can imagine, has caused my wife much grief but she avoids it by keeping busy with her studies. While Emily’s and my wife relationship is loving, Emily refuses to visit or call her mother with any regularity. My wife resorts then to calling her but I can see the pain in her eyes when those brief calls are over because of all the excuses Emily makes for her absence. I would like to do something and say something to Emily but I don’t know how or what to say. My relationship with Emily has always been friendly and fun so I wouldn’t have a problem with talking to her but I’m at a loss. Help, please!

—Clueless Stepdad in the Middle

My husband’s side of the family treats us differently than the rest of the family, and it’s been more pronounced ever since we had children. They routinely do things without us and don’t invite us, and when we ask why we weren’t invited they usually say, “We thought you wouldn’t come.” My mother-in-law buys me a scarf every single Christmas, despite the fact that I never have worn a single scarf in my entire life; yet she buys my other sister-in-law tons of gifts.
She makes comments about my husband’s sister “finally having the sister she’s always wanted” in relation to my sister-in-law, despite me having been part of the family for over a decade longer. Part of me wonders if it’s a money thing—my husband and I are the most educated members of the family and make a better income than the rest of them. Are they jealous? Do they feel like they can’t relate to us? I cannot figure it out and it’s driving me nuts!

Part of me just wants to accept that this is the family dynamic and try to forget about it, but it continues to eat away at me with every situation that arises. This past weekend, my husband’s brother had a Family Day at the army base he’s stationed at—I didn’t know this had happened until I saw pictures of our entire extended family at the event over social media, and when my husband asked his brother about it, once again he was told, “I thought you wouldn’t want to come.” I’m genuinely in need of advice on how to handle this family dynamic moving forward.

—Black Sheep of the Family

I’m a college student originally from India, and I’ve been in the U.S. for about a year now, trying to get used to how different things are here—especially dating. Recently, I had the first date from hell with another student at my university. We ended up going to Shake Shack, which seemed like a relaxed and popular place.

Everything was fine until she ordered this huge burger with two patties. I was genuinely surprised, so I made what I thought was a lighthearted comment, “Why do girls always order things they can’t finish?” Back home, teasing someone about their food choices is just a way of connecting, something playful. But she got really cold and defensive, saying she would finish it and didn’t like my “attitude.” I wasn’t sure what she meant—there was no attitude! I was just trying to make conversation.

Trying to keep the mood light, I said something we often say back home: “A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.” In India, people talk about food and health like that all the time—it’s just something we laugh about. But instead of taking it lightly, she looked at me like I’d just insulted her, grabbed her burger, and stormed out of the restaurant without even saying goodbye.

I was sitting there, totally confused. Where I’m from, people don’t take food jokes seriously at all. We talk about portions, health, everything, and it’s never a big deal. Did I miss something here? Is this just a cultural difference I didn’t understand, or was she just being really rude? I don’t want to assume the worst, but it feels like I accidentally walked into some cultural minefield.

—Flustered Foreigner