Looking for an official Prudie ruling on a very low-stakes debate between my husband “Max” and me. At a party, my husband’s friend “Peter” mentioned that he and his fiancé “Laurel” are extending their already pretty long engagement period by a year. Later, when Max and I were alone, I said offhand that the postponement seemed odd. Max said it was for a reason, but that Peter told him not to tell anyone. He also said the reason wasn’t scandalous and that “all would be revealed in due time.”  Now this really piqued my curiosity—what could the benign but top secret reason be?? I told Max he was right to keep Peter’s confidence in this instance, but suggested it would have been more considerate for him to skirt around my comment (e.g., me: “Weird that Peter and Laurel are extending their engagement for so long”; Max: “Yeah”) rather than entice me with an untellable secret. Max’s view is that it would amount to dishonesty through omission. I don’t think either take is really wrong, but which approach does Prudie endorse when keeping confidences?

—Nosey Nancy

I am the youngest of three, and I’ve always had a close relationship with my sister, who’s in the middle. All that changed when she found out that I started dating. Last spring, I started taking classes at my local gym, and I slowly befriended this very attractive guy. At the time, I was unsure of whether I really wanted to be in a relationship, so I wasn’t keen on telling anyone. A few weeks after my first date with my current boyfriend, my sister asked me if I was dating the guy from my yoga class. I told her no, which wasn’t the truth. I was scared of being honest, as she can sometimes be judgmental. My boyfriend is also 10 years older than me.

From that point onwards, my relationship with my sister soured. She started getting annoyed with me for a bunch of different things. She’s accused me of judging her decision to pursue IVF (which is something I don’t recall. I’ve always tried to support her and encourage her with her goals). She’s also said that I have the tendency of “throwing her words back at her,” because I often ask her if she’s okay whenever she brings up a difficult topic. She’s now unhappy with me because I didn’t inform her or my eldest sister about taking my boyfriend to my friend’s wedding. She says she was caught off guard by the fact that I was going to bring a date to my friend’s wedding, and she says she doesn’t like being caught off guard. I’ve grown up with the belief that I’m always in the wrong and everything I do is never good enough, so I know I make a lot of mistakes. But, my sister’s reactions to things just feel a bit hard to understand. I just don’t know what to do. What would you do, Prudie?

—Always in the Wrong

My ex and I have two high school kids together. I now know he was unfaithful throughout our marriage. He divorced me when he got his now-wife pregnant. They have three kids together. Because she stays at home, most of our scheduling conversations end up going through her. I’ve tried talking to him, I’ve tried written communication but the only thing that seems to stick is a phone call or physical conversation with her. I send a recap to their shared email to cover all my bases. It’s exhausting but the only thing that seems to work. He got another woman pregnant. Maybe they’ll work it out, maybe they won’t.

But every conversation with his wife now starts with complaints and sometimes sobbing about how hard it is. I have zero sympathy for her. She seems to think we can bond about him, mostly because I was always neutral to her. I only did that because I knew that being nasty would just be embarrassing and unhelpful and maybe hurt my kids. I do not like her. I believe she shouldn’t be surprised by him. I’m mostly just grateful my kids are almost grown and we won’t have to split child support a million ways as he continues to be selfish and careless. But her behavior is driving me up the wall and I’m worried I’m going to snap and tell her what I really think. How do I stay cool about this? I should be happy that karma is coming for her but mostly I’m just annoyed that she’s complaining about being on the other side of the coin.

—Annoyed

Me and my wife visit grandkids once a year because they live so far away. My daughter-in-law expects us to do chores around the house. We don’t mind helping out. But she expects laundry, changing bed sheets on all five beds. We clean the kitchen in the morning and at dinner time, which we don’t mind. Is this normal? Should we do the chores that they want us to do? We typically will play with the kids all day long, which we enjoy.

—Can’t Take the Heat

My retired mother and I are currently in an adorable dilemma: Her cats like me more than they do her! Now that she’s retired, my mom feels a bit lonely and she decided to adopt a cat to keep her company during the day. However, ever since I switched to working from home, this cat has decided that I am her favorite chair. I thought this problem could be fixed if we simply got my mom another cat, but the second kitten ended up being bonded to the first cat and now they both hang out on my lap! My mom handles food (and all of the cats’ favorite activities like playtime) while I am only on litter duty, and they still prefer me over her! She’s a rather loud person, so that is likely why they prefer me over her. I know the best solution is to simply get a dog, but she has a bad hip and due to my chronic illness, I wouldn’t be able to walk the dog or help it burn its energy. My mom is a little sad her cats clearly prefer me instead (the first cat will tolerate her presence but she makes it clear she likes me more, while the second kitten spends all of her time in my room). Any advice on how to either get the cats to like her more or another hobby to occupy her with? These cats feel more like my cats now and I feel bad about it.

—Cat Napper

I am a member of the music faculty of a small liberal arts college, where I coordinate our opera workshop. From time to time, I compose a one-act original opera for the students—and they have all been well received by students and the public alike. After my most recent premiere, not a single faculty colleague attended either of the performances nor even asked me about it. On a scale of 1 through 10 for confrontation aversion, I’m a 12, so I really don’t want to say anything. I need some advice on how to process these feelings of hurt and resentment. (I pride myself on being an exceptionally supportive colleague.) By the way, I suspect that part of my sensitivity about this is that I’m the only full-time member of our faculty without a doctorate. Perhaps I am fearful that my colleagues don’t fully respect or appreciate me. At any rate, I really hate feeling like this.

—Bottled Up Hurt

While we’ve had a marvelous relationship in the past, my mother-in-law has recently done some things that I cannot look past. While home for Christmas, our young beloved dog fell ill and we did everything to save her at the emergency vet but had to put her down. My husband’s parents showed up at the vet uninvited, forcing their way into this intimate painful family moment. I know they were just trying to support us, but they could care less about dogs and we were not able to openly grieve with them there.

Now my mother-in-law suddenly planned a visit to our town, staying at an Airbnb on our street with her sisters even though this is the busiest week of the year for my work and I will be unavailable to spend time with them, though I’m sure it will be expected of me. With the stress of the work week and the unresolved hurt from Christmas, I don’t think I can even look at her while she’s here. My husband agrees these are disrespectful and inconsiderate intrusions in our lives, but he has not confronted her yet. How can I get my old relationship back with my MIL and still establish boundaries?

—Give Me Back My Old MIL

I have a work colleague whose name is “Jack Green.” He looks like he could be the twin of my younger brother. My father, Jack Oranges was a confirmed philanderer, who had an affair with a woman whose name I think was Anna Green. Given the very striking family resemblance, every now and then I wonder if Jack is a half-brother, but I can’t see a way in our professional lives to broach the question.

Could it ever be reasonable to ask “Is your mother Anna Green? Did she know my father, Jack Oranges? Tell her you work with Linda Oranges” without starting something unprofessional, weird and possibly painful? I don’t know his family life at all! And I could be completely wrong! Jack is somewhat junior to me at work and the last thing I want is to make anyone uncomfortable, so the rational thing to do is to banish a tenuous and unhelpful thought.

But then again, we only live once and if there’s a chance my Dad is his biological father, he might want to (or have a right to) know—and there is important genetic information to share. Should I wait until one of us leaves the organization at some point in the future? Or is this a train of thought simply not worth pursuing? My Dad died three years ago, so I suppose there’s no urgency.

—Long Lost Brother?

My husband was a rural primary care doctor from 2012-2021. I was overjoyed when he took a position in an underserved county near my extended family. He’s gentle and hardworking, and I was the primary earner to make it work financially (Medicare and Medicaid reimbursements are garbage). But with the pandemic, he got burned out hard. Everyone brought politics into medical appointments. A neighbor screamed at me in the grocery store for “being part of the vax conspiracy.” Parents were weird to our kids. Most of our county health department was so intimidated or demoralized that they quit. He felt like patients didn’t trust him.

We moved to a small city and have been much happier. We both got better jobs and are chipping away at school loans. Our marriage is so much healthier, and so are we. Our kids are getting a better education, making friends and there’s better support for us as parents. We’re going back to visit my extended family several times this summer for funerals, a wedding, and helping move my aunt into assisted living. I love my family and the land but I’m dreading it. They still haven’t permanently filled his old job and everyone blames us for leaving, acting like we took an easy way out. An old neighbor told me she blamed my husband for her husband’s suicide the last time we visited, because there was no doctor for him to see. It’s horrible and we’ll be seeing lots of these people this summer. My husband usually freezes, and I usually get angry. How do we handle this?

—Tired Wife

I met a woman in a group therapy setting years ago, and we became friendly during that time. We have now been “friends” for about five to six years. We were speaking on the phone and the topic of being interrupted came up. She doesn’t seem to get bothered when people interrupt her and that’s cool. I shared that it sometimes bothers me when someone interrupts me, but it’s all situational. Not two minutes later, I was trying to speak on something and she interrupted me about five times, until I just gave up on trying to talk. This was a few days ago and now I am avoiding talking to her because her interrupting me came across as very intentional. After this, I don’t feel I would be truly heard if I brought it up.

—Girl, Interrupted

I (37 F) live close to my parents (both 70, M/F) and we have a good relationship. However, over the past few years, my father has been regularly asking me for help with simple things that he is more than capable of doing himself. For example, recently, he had to fill out an online application form and invited me over to help. I assumed that he had trouble filling out the form, but when I arrived he switched the computer on for me and told me the form was probably on the company’s website, and he’d be outside in the pool if I needed any of his details. He hadn’t even tried to fill out the form, and just expected me to do it for him!

Similarly, when he bought a new smartphone, he told me that he’d need me to set it up for him. I don’t own the same brand of phone, so I didn’t know how to. I encouraged him to try it himself and let me know if he got stuck. He opened the box, took out all of the pieces, then turned to me and said, “What now?” I told him to look in the instruction manual, and eventually, he and my mother set it up together. Afterward, I told him that it was important he knew how to set it up in case he had any trouble with it one day—that way he’d know more about how to fix it. He just shrugged and told me that if he had trouble with it, he’d come to me.

The worst example happened recently. We both live with a long-term but very controllable medical condition, and he saw the doctor to try a new medication. When he returned from the appointment he told me, he couldn’t hear much of what the doctor had told him (he is hard of hearing), but it was OK because I had used the same medication in the past so I could tell him what to do.

Prudie, I’m so frustrated. My father is an active, intelligent man who maintains good social relationships and pursues interesting, technical hobbies. He has no signs of dementia and is certainly smart enough to know that he needs to listen to a doctor or read an instruction manual, however, he continues to assume I will do all of this for him. I’m also angry because my father has treated my mother the same way for as long as I can remember—she has always been the active “doer,” while he is passive and relies on her to do most things for him. I’m not comfortable taking on that role with my father, or indeed with any man. Of course, if my father was really struggling with something or genuinely needed my help, I wouldn’t hesitate to come to his aid. But he seems to have no interest in even making an effort. How do I encourage him to be more independent, and to take more initiative?

—Frustrated

When should I walk away from a spouse who refuses to take care of their health? My sweet, easy-going spouse has a manageable chronic condition that they are just…choosing not to manage. I decided almost immediately after their diagnosis that I couldn’t play parent or nurse for them, and that trying to control their eating or exercise habits would most likely backfire in any case. I’ve done my best to model good habits and not judge, but now I’m wondering if I’ve been too hands-off. It’s been almost two decades of unhealthy living and the consequences are catching up.

I was hoping that the most recent health scare and the chorus of doctors would be a wake-up call, but no dice. They are still able to live independently right now, but my guess is that in five years or less my “not your nurse” resolution will be moot and I’ll default to being their caregiver.  Should I leave now and hope that THAT will be a wake-up call? Or is this just the price I pay as the ant who fell in love with a grasshopper?

—Winter Is Coming

I care deeply about my friends and family, and I love them. But depression is on the rise, especially since it runs in my family and a lot of my friend group is LGBTQIA+, which makes them all more likely to develop depression. I’m the designated gay cousin who beat depression without therapy or support, and they always look to me as “the strong one,” “the one who beat depression and is therefore the Supreme Depression Authority,” “the Yoda of Gay,” and although I love to help, it’s a lot. I’ve done crisis counseling late at night for hours, getting no sleep so I can make sure my friends and family are OK.

Of course, I’m glad they feel they can trust me, but I’m an unqualified 17-year-old. I’ve done minimal crisis support training, I’m not qualified to help with gender identity or sexual orientation, and although I do the best I can, I’m human! I can’t give six people suicide prevention support. I don’t want them to feel abandoned, but I can’t keep talking to people until 3 a.m. to keep them from dying and then go to work the next day and then come back home to a missed call about my cousin struggling with his labels. I know what it’s like to go through all that with no support, and I never want my friends to feel that way, but I don’t have the capacity for this. What should I do? I want to keep them safe, but I’m not a machine.

—Human Not Hotline

When is it appropriate to express concern about someone’s dietary habits, and when should you respect their bodily autonomy? I have a friend who went through a difficult time during the pandemic, and during that time she started learning about Ayurveda, and started practicing an Ayurvedic diet. From what I understand of the principles of Ayurveda, this all sounds healthy! However, her diet has become more and more restrictive, and I think interferes with her ability to enjoy herself, and eating. I think she might have orthorexia, and that controlling her diet gives her a sense of control over other things in her life. Ordering food at restaurants produces a lot of anxiety for her. We were traveling together recently, and she contracted COVID and I took care of her. At one point, she refused to allow me to use the microwave in our Airbnb to heat up some food for her because microwaves add too much “vata” to the food.

I’m not sure if I should talk to her about this. First of all, I think people should respect other people’s food choices! Secondly, she is very focused on being an expert in “wellness” and gets angry and argumentative when anyone disagrees with her or tries to suggest anything other than something that supports her views on alternative medicine. She is a lovely person in many ways and has suffered some difficulties in the past few years. But I think she might have the beginnings of an eating disorder, and I don’t know what to do. How do I tell if this is none of my business or if should say something? And if I should say something, do you have advice for what to say to someone who gets angry when they’re challenged?

—Not Sure This Is Healthy

I’m nearly 65 and recently, my mother passed away. I won’t say I lost her because she was not ever really a supportive presence—she had a personality disorder, an eating disorder, and addictions. There is a lot to unpack: how I had to be a caretaker for her and my siblings; how she made me feel my weight and appearance were most of my worth; how she always had to have the attention so I would do anything in my relationships to feel loved; the fear I feel when someone is angry with me or disapproves of me.

After she died, I went to a therapist for the first time but canceled after two visits and haven’t been back. I find I just don’t know what to say—I have too much shame about how I have been in the past. I know it’s because of the damage that was done to me, but I can’t talk about it. I find the therapy weird, like I’m supposed to lead it and know what to talk about and I don’t. It all just feels like too much to explain to a stranger. How can I become a better and more whole person when the first step is beyond me?

—Too Soon Old, Too Late Wise

I’ve struggled since high school to come to terms with being a bisexual woman. I ended up accepting it a few years after getting married to a man. My husband is accepting and understands that I’m having a hard time with it. I am conflicted because I’ve never been with a woman and I honestly think it would be amazing. I’m starting to drift away from my relationship because I want to explore that side of me. We’ve talked about an open relationship, but I’ve just seen too many end badly. We’re talking about taking a temporary separation to see how I feel about not being in a relationship with anybody. I love my husband and I can’t see myself with anyone else for a while, so I’m worried the temporary separation won’t help me figure out if I want to be with a woman or not. I don’t want to date for at least a year after this relationship. I’m feeling really crappy about the whole situation. Any advice would be a great help.

—Time to Explore?

Do I owe it to my friend to tell her I can’t seem to forgive her? I became friends with Lea several years ago. We’re both ambitious, educated, justice-oriented queer women of color, and we supported each other through personal and professional challenges. I’m not out to my family, and I considered her chosen family. I met Jack not long after, and Lea was there through the ups and downs.

I often confided in her about my anxieties and frustrations with the relationship. Despite our rocky start, Jack and I grew stronger. We moved in together, and a year and a half later, he proposed and I said yes.

When I shared the news, Lea expressed concern, calling Jack abusive. I was furious. I wrote down my feelings and read them to her, but she mocked me for being too formal. She later briefly apologized. I miss Lea, but I can’t seem to forgive her. It’s hard to enjoy my engagement without her, and it feels like losing a part of myself since I’m not out to my family. I wish I could tell her to fully apologize and support my relationship, but that feels wrong. Is it selfish to want her to fake it so we can be friends again? I shouldn’t try to control her into being the friend I want, right? Prudie, I’m stuck. How can I tell her what I need or make peace with ending this friendship?

—Fractured Friendship

I’m a man in his mid-30s, and I’ve been happily married to my wife for the past three years—but now something absolutely bizarre has come up and is threatening to destroy our relationship, and I don’t know what to do. About a month ago, my wife went on a travel vacation with her sisters, something she does every year. As usual, I stayed behind and held down the fort. When she got back, I was expecting her to be rested and refreshed, but instead something immediately seemed off. She barely spoke to me, and when she did, she was either very cold or inexplicably angry. After about two days of this, I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she “knew the truth” and wanted me to confess! Obviously I was confused, until she showed me a picture her friend had sent her while she was on vacation, a picture that showed me and another woman being physically affectionate at a local restaurant. Here’s the problem, Prudie: It’s not me in the picture! But whoever it is, he looks almost EXACTLY like me, same haircut, same beard, same style of glasses, and from the angle the photo was taken, there’s essentially no way to tell us apart.

When I explained this to her, things got even worse. She said she wasn’t mad at me before, but now she was furious because I would tell her such an obvious lie. After all, she had the picture right there! Ever since then, it has been constant fighting and lots (and lots) of nights spent on the couch. Then this week she told me she was leaving to stay with her sister for a while, and I’m afraid I’m going to lose her for good! I love my wife, and I would never step out on her in a million years.

—Evil Twin

My 6-year-old son has a friend in his class, “Max,” who has some serious behavioral issues. I believe he’s been diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, which manifests itself in lashing out violently toward other children. He’s finally on medication that works well enough for him to be able to attend school without major disruption. I’m friends with Max’s parents, and they are kind people who I feel are a little out of their depth with his needs. At my son’s birthday party, his mom was chatting with other people and not supervising Max closely. As a result, he ended up throwing a water gun at one kid and screaming at another, much smaller kid, for not going down the slide fast enough. I had several parents mention the behavior later, and some of the dads at the party had to actually correct or stop him. We’re coming up on another party at our house, and I was wondering how best to address this with his mom. It’s hard to say, “Just watch your kid better,” but I also don’t want other friends to stop coming because Max might be there.

—It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

I’m at my wit’s end trying to get support and help from my husband. My mom is in a nursing home 90 minutes from me. I see her three times a week. I’m completely overwhelmed and exhausted and can’t seem to get any help. I do 95 percent of everything that needs to be done at home. He “helps” by putting away laundry, putting dishes in the dishwasher after a meal, and emptying the dishwasher. This would be great if he “saw” any other dishes/cookware on the stove or counters. He puts the plates, silverware, and glasses in. That’s it. Wipes off nothing. He empties the dishwasher but doesn’t see anything still dirty. He pees on the bathroom floor, and blows his nose into the sink then leaves it there. I yelled, threatening to leave… Nothing works.

Until Mom got sick, I admit I did almost everything for him. He’s spoiled. I think this refusal or inability is passive-aggressive on his part. Or maybe it’s because he’s 81. I’m 72. I don’t know. I’m exhausted, stressed, and angry, and I’m watching my mom slip away day by day. Any magic words to get through to him? I’m thinking of leaving him, yet in my present state of mind, I don’t want to make that kind of decision. His health is great. No issues with dementia. He just sits and does nothing, which may indicate depression on his part. His life has changed too. Help!

—Desperate

My husband died during our separation. He had been cheating on me but I didn’t find out who until after he died. His family always hated me, especially his mother. I was the wrong color and culture. I didn’t find out how much until his mother tried to bring the other woman to the funeral. There would have been an additional body in that funeral parlor if the director hadn’t stepped in and made the woman leave. Needless to say, what little contact I had with my former in-laws has not been good. The only positive relationship that I had was with my sister-in-law. She married into the family like me and came from a different background. My husband was very close to her son (his brother had constant legal problems). Looking back I can understand why she kept her distance from me—she was living with our mother-in-law and only working part-time. Her son graduated from high school this year. My husband always talked about helping out with school. Money wise I am very comfortable. Should I help out? Or is it foolish of me to reach out?

—Reach Out

My sister “Sonja” has become obsessed with a K-Pop boy band, and it is ruining her life. She originally found solace in them after a long-term relationship ended, and I was glad her hobby brought her joy. But slowly but surely, it has consumed her entire life.

She compulsively listens to nothing but their music and watches nothing on TV but things involving them. I can’t hold a conversation with her that doesn’t involve them in some capacity. If I try, she becomes angry and snaps at me. Most worrisome is that she is literally bankrupting herself buying their merchandise. She makes good money but has no savings. All of it goes towards buying things featuring them, her credit cards are maxed out, and bills are now an afterthought. It is a true shopaholic addiction. I know she’s likely depressed and has anxiety plus possibly has other issues, but she refuses to see a therapist. Is there anything I can do to help her? This situation would sound almost humorous if it hadn’t spiraled so far out of control. I might add we’re not young adults, we’re both in our thirties for goodness sake!

—Did Fans of the Beatles Have This Problem

I’ve been with my partner for a few years and we intend to be engaged soon. We were friends before we got together, so I’ve been around his parents a lot from the jump. I have a decent relationship with my own parents, but it’s complicated: Mine were neurotic, authoritarian immigrant parents from a socially conservative country. They had me very young, while they were pretty emotionally immature and I battled their control constantly growing up. They certainly love and support me, and they mellowed out in my adulthood. But they will mostly never understand me, whether due to their own (still existing) emotional limitations or to my unwillingness to stick my neck out after a turbulent childhood. I often spend time with them out of a sense of duty.

On the other hand, my partner’s parents have robust emotional connections with their children, have more in common with their children growing up (since they were also raised here), and are not controlling. They ask open-ended questions of me and have fascinating lives of their own. My partner often calls them for advice. We genuinely enjoy time with them; they know how to have fun.

Prudie, sometimes I feel guilty for how much I love my future in-laws—for thinking about what I would have been like if I’d been raised by them instead. I spend a lot of time with them, and sometimes I feel like I have to hide those visits/vacations from my own parents, who are prone to jealousy and (lovingly) somewhat possessive of me. How do I navigate my own guilt, as well as the grief of encountering “parents” who model so much of what I lacked growing up? If we have kids, I imagine this will surface even more intensely.

—In-Law Enjoyer