I (F-30s) am married to a wonderful man that I love beyond words. He’s kind, loving, helpful, affectionate, funny, etc. The problem is that as much as we love each other, he does not have much interest in sex. We have sex less than 10 times per year, and when we do, the quality is lackluster, despite being open, honest, and specific about my desires and encouraging him to do the same. We have had many talks, he has seen a doctor, and he knows that I am unhappy with that area of our lives. He says he loves me and will try harder, though no changes ever last. Sex is important to me, and I miss who I was sexually before him. I recently gave into temptation and started sleeping with an old flame. He’s the perfect sexual partner for me and exceeds all of my sexual needs. I just can’t get past the pain of lying to my husband. But the thought of resigning myself to a lifetime of non-existent or unfulfilling sex makes me feel so sad and hopeless. Where do I go from here?

—Sexless in the South

I really enjoy meeting weekly with five friends at a local bar. We always sit outside since the weather is mild where I live. Three of us smoke cigarettes, but only when we meet. None of our wives would be very happy if they knew we smoked. It averages a pack a month. I decided I want to quit, but I have absolutely no willpower to stop at these get-togethers. I have found the only way to quit is to not attend. I have considered asking my friends not to give me a cigarette when I ask for one, but I don’t want to put my lack of willpower on them. Neither of the smokers wants to quit because they don’t smoke very much. My friends are asking why I have not attended the last few get-togethers. I’ve gone a month now without a cigarette and never want to have another. I miss my friends and it’s good for my mental health to get out of the house once a week. I am certain I will cave in and smoke if I see them smoking in front of me. Please give me some advice or instructions on how to build a time machine so I can go back and tell my 17-year-old self, that first cigarette will lead to 38 years of craving.

—Not My Friends’ Responsibility

I travel regularly to a city where I used to live for work. I’ll usually let friends know when I’ll be in town and a day or days when I could meet for dinner, coffee, or a drink. They’ll say they’re excited, but neither of us follow through on making plans. I assume they’ll let me know what works from what I’ve offered and I try to be as flexible as possible since I’m just dropping in. I like seeing friends, but making plans is not my forte and I’m not very persistent. Should I give them fewer choices and/or be more specific? Is the onus on me to make sure we see each other, or have I done enough and we’ll try again next time?

—Social but Lazy

I recently finalized my divorce from an emotionally abusive, gaslighting alcoholic. It was difficult and took me years to find the courage to do so, and also leave behind the hard-partying lifestyle myself. My ex-husband and I were very close with another couple, let’s call them Sam and Mary.

Sam and Mary partied heavily with us for years, and Mary and I would have discussions about wanting to live healthier lives and coax our husbands to drink less. I confided in her about some of the behaviors my ex exhibited to me, and my ex also verbally abused both Sam and Mary and Mary’s family on multiple occasions. She was never particularly supportive regarding the verbal abuse, instead writing off his behavior due to drinking or being very “in love” with me. Sam and Mary remain very close with my ex, but Mary and I have remained cordial and gotten together a handful of times.

Each time we’ve hung out since my divorce, Mary has confided in me that she is extremely unhappy in her marriage, complains about Sam’s drinking, and even calls him emotionally abusive. She tells me she can’t talk to anyone else about this. I have told her I don’t feel like a suitable confidante and have recommended therapy (which she turns down as a suggestion), but privately I’m incredibly hurt as I feel like she was part of the reason I stayed with my abuser for so long. I can’t tell if she just misses the old connection of complaining about our husbands, if things really have escalated in her relationship with Sam, or if she’s even telling the truth. What do I do here? Am I obligated to stay a friend to someone who is potentially suffering from emotional abuse, or can I abandon this friendship?

—Don’t Have the Bandwidth

In five months, I’ll be graduating from college and moving across the country. I’m super excited about that. I also just met a guy two months ago and every time we’ve run into each other, we end up sitting together for hours talking. We talk about everything; he’s always interested in my thoughts from cooking to philosophical questions. I also ask him these sorts of questions. I think he likes me as he can’t stop looking at me in group settings and others say he starts smiling brightly when he sees me. I feel really happy when I think of him. The issue is he’s a junior so we’ll be separated by a six-hour plane ride next year. What sort of relationship structure should I propose since there’s a clear end date but I want to get involved with him romantically?

—December-to-May Romance

I have a first-world question. I travel extensively for work and am often gifted with traditional clothing. Think keffiyeh in Saudi Arabia, vyshyvanka in Ukraine, hanbok in Korea. They are usually very beautiful, but I’m at a loss as to what to do with them when I get home. Can I somehow use or wear them without seeming to appropriate the culture?

—Drowning in Clothes

About a year ago, I asked my wife for a divorce. We got married about a decade ago when same-sex marriage became legal in a nearby jurisdiction, but we have been together 20 years. The reason I asked for a divorce was that I developed feelings for someone else and I realized I had been unhappy for a long time. The other woman was also married and not available, but I did not think continuing on with my marriage was fair to either my wife or myself. When I left, I continued to provide financially for my wife. We live in a state that requires a long separation period and we are still several months away from being able to file for divorce. I know that she will struggle greatly without my help, but the truth is this is one of the reasons I needed to end our marriage. She refuses to take any responsibility.

And I feel like I’m drowning trying to keep up two households. I don’t want her to suffer, but I don’t think I can keep doing this once we are divorced. How do I reconcile myself with knowing she’s likely going to be unable to live how she’s accustomed and she’ll be miserable?

—I Still Care But…

So my brother brought his new girlfriend “Bea” to Thanksgiving. For context, Bea was sitting around and playing on her phone while everyone else was working or cooking (we had an issue with the bathroom that required my father and brother to go to the hardware store). I was trying to breastfeed my cranky baby when our dog needed to be taken out. Our yard isn’t fenced and our old boy is a small sweetheart. I asked Bea if she would mind taking him out and around the block to do his business. Bea rolled her eyes, huffed, and took the dog out. When she got back, she snidely told me she did mind, that you don’t treat guests like servants, and then waltzed right into the kitchen. I was stunned and didn’t bring up the conversation to anyone. I did note that Bea felt free to root around in my kitchen to help herself to my containers to take the first pick of the leftovers before anyone else (and hasn’t given them back).

This was only the second time I have met Bea. She obviously doesn’t care about making a good impression, but my brother is crazy about her. He wants to invite her to the family Christmas. At my house. I know people have differing expectations on hosting and being guests, but we live in the South. It isn’t like I asked Bea to go out in a blizzard. How do I handle this?

—Guest Gone

I live in an apartment with very thin walls and try my hardest to be a good neighbor since the rent is low here and most of the building is elderly. My sister, her boyfriend, and his two kids came to stay with me because they were in-between housing. It was supposed to be for two weeks. They didn’t even make it six days. The kids screamed, slammed doors, and seemed incapable of not stomping. The minute I reminded them to be quiet, they looked at me, said okay, and went right back to acting like little banshees. Their father did nothing and acted annoyed when I asked him to control his kids.

Twice my neighbors came to me with complaints and twice I asked my sister and her boyfriend to please respect my space. They were staying here for free rather than going to a hotel. The third time the boyfriend got in my face and said kids make noise and I would just have to deal with it like everyone else. At this, I told my sister the arrangement was not working and they needed to go

My sister freaked out on me and started to scream at me. Then her boyfriend joined in and one of my neighbors called the cops. The end result was they all left and my landlord gave me a written warning that he wasn’t going to renew my lease because of the incident. I can’t afford to move out and I am utterly furious at my sister. She told me it serves me right. My life is an utter mess. What should I do?

—Disaster in Dallas

One of my best friends of over a decade, “Grace, ” has long struggled with very specific mental health issues. I’m not a professional and I generally have no interest in diagnosing people, but it’s so clear to me that her behavior aligns with OCD. For example, she’ll obsessively check the stove and door locks, catastrophize over very small issues, and exhibit magical thinking about how her personal good or bad behavior can influence how long her loved ones stay alive. She recently called me in tears because she sent a mildly passive-aggressive email to a colleague and she was imagining it going viral online for some reason and destroying her career. We talked about it for over an hour. I’m still haunted by the time I stayed with her because she had thoughts of hurting herself when she got COVID—she both felt like it was cosmic retribution for some terrible evil she had committed and also spiraled out about possibly killing the mail carrier she’d just said hello to from 30 feet away.

She knows the way she feels isn’t typical, but I think she lacks the perspective of how deeply this is affecting her life. I’ve watched her self-sabotage her career and relationships again and again, turning to pop remedies like weighted blankets, herbal tinctures, and unlicensed healers instead of therapy. I believe in the concept of self-care and nontraditional modalities, but you just can’t self-care your way out of such a profound struggle.

Here’s the problem: Grace’s mom is a jerk, and uses Grace’s symptoms as the scapegoat to cover up her unkindness. Basically, “You’re crazy and just need to be medicated. The way I’ve behaved is totally reasonable.” So the idea of seeking a diagnosis and getting medication help has been weaponized against her. Her narrative now is, “My mom is an asshole and everything she has to say is incorrect and mean-spirited,” which isn’t untrue—but as someone who loves her, I also really want her to seek professional help and consider medication. Is it reasonable for me to sit her down and explain that from my perspective she truly needs professional help? Obviously, I don’t want to alienate Grace and lose her trust, but at this point, the situation is dire enough that I think it’s worth the risk. How should I go about this?

—No One Wants to Hear Their Mom Is Right

I paid off my town house after my husband passed away. It has two bedrooms and the location is amazing given the public transportation and excellent school district. Given how insanely expensive the cost of living has gotten, it was a smart financial move. I met my new boyfriend because his daughter is my (daughter's) best friend. The girls are so often together that we joke we should just move in together already and save on rent. The problem is my boyfriend has two adult children from another relationship (ages 19 and 20) that constantly crash at his apartment when they are in between jobs and relationships, but never contribute to the household. My boyfriend doesn’t like their behavior but makes no effort to address it. I obviously don’t want them doing the same in my house.

We keep going around in circles. He argues that his kids are his kids and deserve a place under our roof and the solution is to rent out the townhouse and us to rent a house together. My argument is that there is nothing that fits that criteria even remotely close. It would require us both a much longer commute and have the girls switch schools when they can walk here. It doesn’t make sense to completely upend our lives to have a guest room that will only be temporarily filled. I told him I supported him splitting the difference in what his rent costs him now and what we agreed on to help his other kids out, but a move was out of bounds for me. His lease is up in a few months and looking at another steep increase. I love him but his oldest two don’t want to go to school or get real jobs. What is the solution?

—House Hunting

I have a low-stakes in the grand scheme of things, high-stakes in that my blood pressure cannot take it anymore question. I have your run-of-the-mill, overbearing in-laws. My husband is not close to them, and does not care if we spend any time with them beyond the occasional holiday/get-together, but they love our daughter and I don’t want to cut them off (…yet). We have slimmed down a lot of what we do with them, and also don’t let them have the baby overnight after several instances of inappropriate media choices/bedtimes 4+ hours past her actual bedtime—which feels pertinent in that there is a pattern of them feeling entirely comfortable completely ignoring us, even when the requests are extremely direct. We now see them once every other month-ish, and for the most part try to do things out of our house because Prudie, THEY WON’T LEAVE IF WE DON’T.

The last party we had where they were invited, they were the last guests by over an hour, and I was about two seconds away from being like “please leave,” which goes against every hospitable bone in my body. We try to limit these in-home activities, because oh my god, but how do we get them to leave when we have to have them over? We are hosting Christmas brunch this year, and are thinking of leaving the house as well “to take the dogs and children to the park for exercise,” when we need them to go in order to get them out, but I am having visions of them being like “FABULOUS! What’s the park’s address?” And I also don’t love that I have to leave my house on Christmas after hosting 12 people just so I am not beleaguered by couch potatoes till 11 p.m. Can you give us a couple of scripts to get them out the door? I’m tired of having to be a bouncer in my own home!

—It’s Effing Closing Time

Do I need to invite 13-year-old cousin with special needs to my no-kids wedding?

My fiancé and I are in the early stages of planning a black-tie optional wedding in late fall/early winter 2024. I know my parents graciously want to pay for most of the wedding; however, my fiancé and I are in a position that we are happy to contribute, as we are in our mid-30s and established in our careers and finances. Most of our friends have younger children, and we know they will welcome a kid-free night they can get dressed up for. My mom is very supportive that we want a kid-free wedding, with the exception of my fiancé’s niece who will be a flower girl and then be tucked in for the reception.

I know my mother also wants to keep the guest list pretty exclusive, which aligns with the intimate vibe my fiancé and I are envisioning. I told my mom I was not interested in inviting my 13-year-old special needs cousin “Abby.” My mother was pretty dead set on inviting her, because “she would love it.” I tend to disagree, but since my parents are paying, I am happy to give them a say so, and I have no interest in making any issue with my parents over the planning and execution of this wedding. But my gut is strongly telling me I’m justified to invite or not invite anyone to my wedding! I have no desire to be a bridezilla about this or anything!

Ever since my uncle (Abby’s father) and his ex-wife divorced, he has utilized my parents more like grandparents. Over the years he has developed the habit of visiting my parents with “Abby” and completely detaching from being a parent. He has the mentality that when my parents are around, they are there to completely take over in entertainment, discipline, etc. I know she is a lot to handle, but he only has her half the time, so I know he does have opportunities to recharge. I know this plucks my parents’ nerves, but they also don’t seem bothered enough to re-establish any boundaries. By the time Abby was born, I was 20 and pretty much completely out of my parents’ nest, so I have never had a particularly close bond with her, seeing her on holidays and family gatherings from time to time, but that’s about it.

I just don’t see Abby having fun at a wedding like this, and it seems silly to serve her a plated dinner I know she won’t eat, and I feel like it would fall on my parents and the rest of my mom’s side of the family to entertain her. I’m not sure my mom has really thought about what the day would be like for her, my dad, and the rest of the family who may be inadvertently left to entertain and care for “Abby” and if that’s something they are really okay with.

Is it okay to invite my uncle but not his daughter? If it was someone other than family, it would be a clear no for me! He is not married, engaged, or cohabiting, which is the typical etiquette for plus ones, and even if he was, it would still be a kid-free wedding guest list!

—Not a Bridezilla

A friend who vacations often discovered free wheelchair rides throughout the airport, making her first in line from ticket counters, security/TSA, to departure/arrival gates, to baggage claim, and first boarding with first access to onboard storage. Recently, her partner, who was running behind with the luggage, realized he too could get a chair and that the attendant must also haul the luggage. Put some meds in checked luggage, mark it “medical supplies,” and it’s free. All this if they have “difficulty walking long distances,” which, they claim, is nearly everybody, certainly us geezers, given the size of expanded huge airports. At first, I thought they were taking unfair advantage or being unethical, but the more I think about it, the less I care. I travel rarely. Navigating the airport logistics with knowledgeable assistance sounds reassuring. I can claim “difficulty walking long distances” as well as anybody.

—Should I Do It?

My son (age 13) has a best friend who seldom, if ever, says, “Thank you.” It bothers me because I have tried to stress the importance of showing gratitude to my own son. His other friends are very good at saying thanks. He is not perfect, of course, but is learning this important manner. We don’t know the friend’s parents really well, but I was thinking I might mention it to Mom. My wife says we absolutely should not. What should I do?

—Sleeping Dog

Earlier this year, I dated someone I’ll call “Ken” for a few months. It got pretty intense pretty quickly, and then things ended somewhat dramatically. I think we both freaked out in different ways. He had just gotten out of a long relationship and I was dealing with some family difficulty, and everything just exploded. I have spent the last six months working deeply on healing, focusing on work, friendships, and myself. Recently, Ken and I reconnected and began spending time together as friends. I have really enjoyed this new time. Our connection still feels very strong. At the same time, I feel much more stable in my own life, and when we discuss our past, I sense that he’s in a different place, too. It has made me wonder if there’s any possibility of us exploring a romantic relationship again. Is that a bad idea? Can exes ever reconcile? For what it’s worth, I’m feeling some extra anxiety because I know my friends and family don’t approve of him because they took care of me during the breakup, and I haven’t told them that we’re talking again.

—Not Ready to Move On

I recently got my first full-time job and am trying to figure out how to manage my periods at work. I don’t want to give into societal stigma around menstruation by hiding my pads or bringing my purse to the bathroom with me, but I want to keep my personal health private at the same time. Being in an open office space with no privacy as a 24-year-old woman, how do I manage this at work around overly curious coworkers who watch my every move?

—Feeling Awkward at Work

I felt so embarrassed about how her actions derailed my gathering and made my guests uncomfortable. I never got around to addressing her inappropriate behavior, and though she has reached out a few times about meeting up over the last year, I chose not to respond, which I regret. Now, I’m anticipating seeing them again at the same friend’s birthday party. I can already see the two of them being cluelessly cheerful and saying how great it is to see each other and that we should hang out soon, can’t wait for the next awards party, etc. But I’m seriously put off by them and feel like I need to say something definitive. What should I do?

—Best Boundaries

Earlier this year, I got into a heated argument with a well-liked person in my family. I don’t think the argument was unjustified and it happened after they were somewhat belligerent to me. I never said anything terrible, I just stood up for myself. Only three of my family members out of a very large extended family reached out after that. Since then, I have wondered about my feelings about the event—whether I am embarrassed because I know people in my family thought it was embarrassing or whether I feel embarrassed because I feel truly embarrassed. I have not gone to a family gathering since.

However, one of my cousins is hosting Christmas this year and she invited me to her house. I am unsure of whether I am considering not going because of embarrassment or because I just don’t want to be around my family. I have a feeling it will be very awkward. I enjoy many of my family members, but many, especially the older generation, seem a bit ambivalent about me and my life choices. The family member I got into an argument with will not be there and it will mostly be people I like. Do you think I should go?

—Not So Holly-Dolly

My boyfriend is a very small, pretty, androgynous-looking guy. Even as a kid in a school uniform and a crew cut, people sometimes asked him if he was a girl. He grew up outside of the U.S. in a moderately homophobic environment. No violence but lots of bullying. His parents are very religious and were also not happy with him. I grew up in the U.S. and am very masc-looking and saw plenty of homophobic violence and behavior growing up. I only faced teasing, probably because I look like what people expect straight boys and men to look like. I’m fine, but upstate New York in the 2000s definitely left an impression. I’m overall straight-passing still and don’t face much risk.

As adults, we live in a very queer-friendly city and it’s mostly fine. Professionally both of us work in fields not known for progressiveness and we handle it very differently. That’s OK but we have really different boundaries when it comes to things like acquaintances and travel. He shrugs off very homophobic comments and Trump flags and finds trips to Tampa completely OK. He often states, “It’s the U.S., nothing can really happen.” Meanwhile, I don’t want to even hang out at a party if someone who called me a F-word is going to be there. I’m usually a lot safer in those situations than he is because of appearances but somehow I’m the more cautious one. We’re trying to blend friend groups and plan travel at the two-year mark in our relationship and there’s so much conflict. What do I do about this?

—Different

I telecommute, which is a blessing because my husband’s career requires a lot of moving around. The problem is right now we are in a very attractive city to visit and my in-laws are cheap as hell. They are crawling out of the woodwork to “visit” us, a.k.a. demanding I wait on them hand and foot while we go to tourist trap after tourist trap. They are horrible guests and complain about everything and ignore the fact that I actually have to work. I am always on my computer and can’t just ignore my clients because they are bored and can’t figure out the subway system. Before the pandemic, I had it out with my sister-in-law. I warned her I had a 7 a.m. meeting and we were living in a studio at the time. She decided to stay out partying until 2 and then had the gall to complain that I woke her up on her vacation.

This is a huge bone of contention between my husband and me. He doesn’t see the problem just because his family is “difficult,” and they have no problem hosting us when we visit (ignoring that we are expected to pay for every meal and outing as thanks). Plus, my mother and sister visit all the time. But my family actually respects my time and career, and they clean up after themselves. Because I am home, the hosting always falls on me. I am tired of it. I am ready to just check into a hotel myself if my in-laws insist on coming. Please help.

—Hosting Horror

What’s the polite, adult way to react when people deeply judge something they don’t know you are also going through? I tried changing the subject but it didn’t stick, and I suspect this will continue to be a problem for me for at least as long as the topic is salacious in the friend group.

For context, an acquaintance of ours recently broke up with her boyfriend and announced over text that she was diving headfirst into casual encounters because she and her boyfriend haven’t had sex in nearly a year. At a recent party, everyone was talking about it saying things like “that’s unhealthy!” “how could you stay in a relationship like that” “we would never go without!” and overall all doing a wink-wink, nudge-nudge about having good sex lives and that not having sex is a death knell.

Meanwhile, I have PTSD from some previous experiences, and some other mental health stuff I’m too ashamed to share here. My partner and I have sex maybe once or twice a month, and last year it was even less often. And I feel very guilty about the loss of my previously big sex drive, although my partner is kind and calm and good about just doing cuddles and kisses. But everyone talking about it repeatedly makes me feel really sad and ashamed, and I don’t know how to navigate around these conversations. We’re all in our early 30s and both personally and professionally connected, so I see these people a lot, even if I chose to spend more time with my other friends while this topic wears off.

—Wish I Were Doing It More