Every time I bring it up to her, she has extremely valid reasons (we both struggle with depression, and had a major death in the family recently), but it’s just so frequent that I know it’s more than just the coincidence of major crises. She has called me “inflexible,” which is hurtful to me, since I try to be accommodating and understanding (to a point). It affects my kids, too—they get excited to see her, and I try not to get their hopes up, but every single time I think things are finally OK for a visit (I live in a city and she lives 50 miles south), something happens and lateness or plans-changing occurs. It’s just super-stressful, but I can’t end the relationship, and I can’t easily uphold boundaries. How do I maintain a reasonably close relationship with someone who can’t see past her own convenience and issues to meet the needs of a situation?

—My Boundaries Have Too Many Stretch Marks

I’ve struggled with compassion fatigue since 2020. I used to work in a people-centered job and got out as soon as I realized I no longer felt appropriate levels of patience or concern towards vulnerable clients. I now work in a technical role with no client-facing duties, which doesn’t require empathy. I’ve expected it to rebound after two years in this new job and it just…hasn’t. I can still feel moderate levels of sympathy and care for people I already know and care for, and of course I’m polite to strangers. But I don’t feel for them, at all. I live in NYC, where a lot of people are Eastern and Central European immigrants and/or Jewish and/or have multiple citizenships, and have complicated feelings about at least one of the two big new-ish wars in the news. I agree that war is bad, and wish for peace in an abstract way, but other than that I find myself annoyed by news coverage, or irritated by how much this topic comes up everywhere. People are dying! And other people are rightfully upset about it. I feel nothing but inconvenienced, as if it’s an interruption to normally scheduled programming. How and when will my empathy come back? I’m trying hard to fake it.

I am a materialistic weasel. There’s no other way to say it. I enjoy giving birthday and Christmas gifts, and I enjoy getting them. These are the only two time a year when someone does something for me, instead of the other way around. And now my brother is talking about “only doing gifts for kids” and “donations in lieu of gifts.” I don’t want to! I don’t have children to receive gifts and frankly I like the idea that just twice a year someone is doing something nice for me, instead of the other way around the other 363. How can I gracefully say I prefer to keep giving and getting? We’re a small family, less than 10 people. I’m the one who makes the effort to travel to them for Christmas every year, and I know it sounds awful but is it really that hard for them to make some effort on the gifts? I already do plenty of charitable giving throughout the year and frankly, I like being able to open something on Christmas. Thoughts?

—A Materialistic Weasel

I have some close, very long-time friends who have two young kids. They occasionally ask other friends if they can babysit for them, but despite my offering in the past, they’ve never asked me.
Over time, I’m starting to wonder if this is a coincidence, or if they really just don’t trust me to watch their children. I live much closer than other friends they’ve asked. None of our other friends have children, so I don’t think that has anything to do with it (I don’t have children either). I have a good career, own a home, take care of a pet, all things that I think signify that I am responsible; I even babysat young children when I was a teenager, so while I don’t have kids of my own, other people have trusted me to watch kids. I’m a little hurt, not only that my friends don’t seem to think I’m trustworthy, but also feel like I’m missing out on the opportunity to spend time with their kids while they’re growing up. Is it too much to ask directly why they never ask me (not sure I even could)? Should I take their not asking as just a fact they don’t want my help and get over it? Is it possible this is just a coincidence I’ve overblown in my head?

—Is it Me? Is it Me?

My girlfriend has been going through a slow-moving train crash at work, a crisis drawn out over more than a year that has left her jittery, weepy, and on edge. It’s really hard to encapsulate just how awful this period of her life has been, but she has been working more than 100 hours per week for months, bursts into tears spontaneously, is clearly burned out, and just keeps grinding on to “save” her team (most of whom have already been fired), her projects (all but one has been shelved), and to try deliver on commitments she has made to customers and businesses she has partnered with. I have begged her to ease back and get some help, but she has shut me down completely and instead decided that what she really needed was “a new challenge,” which translates into a course and a literal team coding challenge event over several weeks, adding an extra 30 hours of course and teamwork to an already impossible week. I’m at my wit’s end: How do you persuade somebody who can never take their foot off the pedal to just stop the insanity? In full disclosure, I went through something similar more than a decade ago and it only ended with a suicide attempt that very nearly succeeded and for which she has never quite forgiven me. I am terrified and she keeps insisting, “I am not you, I do not JUST GIVE UP WHEN THINGS GET HARD!” It hurts.

—On the Edge

I live a life of keeping promises to all and meeting deadlines, demands, and requests for everyone in my life. I’m a mother and a wife, I have a full-time job, I’m working to get my commercial driver’s license (CDL) to drive a school bus because I was asked and can’t say no, I’m a member of the PTO, I’m a soccer coach for both my children’s teams, and I’m sure I’m missing something. The point is I can’t say no, I’m reliable, and I get it all done.

However, I can’t seem to make time for myself when I know I need it. I can’t seem to say no. I can’t seem to set goals for myself and keep them. I am able to do everything asked for me by everyone else but I can’t do the same thing for myself. I can’t set time aside and I can’t set a goal and make myself reach it. I need advice. I show myself all the grace but feel like I’m constantly letting down “me.” What am I doing wrong, or more so, what can I change to not only do what everyone else needs but what I need as well?

—I’m Reliable for Everyone But Myself

I have a best friend “Bella” who is a lovely person, and also very highly strung and easily overwhelmed. For context, Bella has what I would classify as a busy but not usually excessively burdensome workload; she works part-time and is finishing grad school for education, which is the same schedule I kept a few years ago and certainly found challenging, but perhaps easier to handle than Bella seems to find it. Of course, everyone’s threshold is different, and we never know everything that is going on in even our closest friend’s lives, so I sympathize and am very patient when she needs reassurances and support, but have gotten admittedly annoyed on occasion. Bella has often struggled to answer texts in a timely manner.

She will put her phone on Do Not Disturb to avoid seeing messages at a bad time and then just never see them, or she will see them and get stressed and put off answering for a long time while she takes care of other things and only answer long after things are relevant. Or she’ll just forget. She gets especially stressed when a group text chain fills up quickly when our friends are making plans and will just not read them because she sees she missed 30 texts and taps out. She is then confused and her partner or I will have to do a synopsis for her. I think she sensed that I was a bit frustrated with not getting responses to texts (I am careful to avoid texting too much and try to reserve texting her for when I need confirmation of or have questions about plans or otherwise have something very important to say, so yes, I do get frustrated when important texts go unanswered), because she told me once unprompted that she was sorry to miss so many texts and said that she didn’t mean too but just got inundated at times and couldn’t deal. I appreciated that and I wasn’t all that fussed to begin with.

I recently bought two tickets to see a comedy show in about three weeks. I will often buy two tickets to shows I am going to when I can so that I can invite a friend and treat them. I thought Bella might want to go and I wanted to hang out, so I texted her the details and asked if she was interested. I didn’t get a response for over four days and honestly, I didn’t feel like checking up about this again or having to work so hard to get her to do something with me. I ended up asking another friend, “Giselle”, who told me within minutes she could make it and was excited to go. The next time I saw Bella (about a week after I texted her) was the first time she mentioned the texts, and she said she would like to attend the show I’d told her about. Unfortunately, I had to tell her that the ticket had been passed on. Bella had tears in her eyes when she said she understood, and now I feel really bad. Was I wrong to invite someone else so quickly or not follow up with her before doing so? What could I have done differently to avoid hurt feelings and frustration? How can we avoid these kinds of misunderstandings in the future?

—Texting Troubles

A few years ago, I asked my uncle to teach me how to whittle/carve over FaceTime. When I showed no aptitude for carving, it morphed into a weekly low-pressure, lovely catch up session we both enjoyed. This all changed when my uncle invited my father, his brother, to join us. I have a good but not-easy relationship with my dad that I navigate by carefully choosing what I share with him. He now attends every week, and what was a low-pressure outlet has become the opposite. I skip out a lot. When I do attend, I’m subjected to comments on my appearance, interrogations on my job situation, and my very favorite: My dad always working a celebrity I once loved who has since revealed devastatingly problematic beliefs, and who my dad still admires, into the conversation. My dad absolutely knows my feelings about this person are painful, but seems unable to help himself. I just smile and nod and give the least detailed answers I can.

I no longer enjoy these FaceTimes. I feel terrible for my uncle, who is very kind, very close to my dad, and who may or may not understand why I so often opt out of the weekly meetup. I call my dad every week or two to catch up outside of these FaceTimes, so it’s not like this is the only way we connect. My relationship with my father is at an equilibrium I can live with, and he’s at an age where I no longer really expect changes in his behavior, only in how I choose to deal with him. I’m not sure what to do here, though. Keep my appearances rare, as I’ve been doing? End the FaceTimes all together? Tell my uncle the truth in confidence—even though from history, I know he’ll still likely pass what I say on to his brother? I can’t think of a single good way to get my very sensitive dad to stop attending these FaceTimes. Honestly, even hinting that his behavior is difficult would damage our relationship. I hate attending, but I also hate hurting my uncle’s feelings by bailing so often. What should I do?

—My Father Who Art on Facetime

Last year, my younger daughter graduated college and got married, and I drove cross country to attend both, which necessitated about a two-month stay. And it was pretty disastrous. I drove because I had to bring my very sweet dog with me, as a two-month board was out of the question, for both financial and humane reasons. I thought I’d be staying at least some of the time with a variety of family members, thereby not outstaying my welcome with any particular relative, but it didn’t work out like that. My sister has cats and couldn’t accommodate my dog, my older daughter got angry at me (still unsure why) and told me I wasn’t welcome to visit her. My younger daughter (the bride) decided it would be too much to have both her and my dog at their small house. Which left my elderly mother, who I love but who drives me nuts with her hovering and general interference in anything I do (she instructed me on how to cut tomatoes, how to stir soup, how to buy a metro ticket, how to hang a towel, etc., etc., all totally enraging). I stayed with my abusive and alcoholic elderly father while his wife was out of town, as he’d recently taken a couple of falls and I thought he wasn’t safe on his own. And I was in familial hell. My mother flipped out on me when I told her, exasperated, that I wasn’t going to whip out my phone and provide exact details on a train reservation just because she believed I would miss the train (I wouldn’t have). My father bought me a car and then demanded I give it to him days later (saw that one coming) while insisting I was some kind of loser because I retired early on a small fixed income. Add to this the financial stress of traveling, some drama with a short-term tenant I’d rented my house to, and a very good friend getting very ill and dying unexpectedly while I was away from home. Oh yeah, and I made the wedding cake for 150 people as well.

In short, the trip was emotionally harrowing. I lost 15 pounds, and nearly lost my sanity, but the wedding went off without a hitch. It was a beautiful day, everything my daughter and her husband hoped for. Here’s the problem. I wasn’t acknowledged at all at the wedding. And I mean at all. No dance with my son-in-law, no acknowledgement of the cake, no mention in the toasts. I spent so much time setting up and dressing the dinner tables that I didn’t get to spend more than a few minutes with my daughter as she got ready, and a guest walked up to my sister (who instead of helping me did hang out with the bridal party) to congratulate her on “her” daughter’s wedding. My sister didn’t correct her. I was standing a few feet away and introduced myself. My daughter later told me, in so many words, that she blamed me for being stressed out and for the difficulty of the stay. I didn’t defend myself because it was over, the wedding was perfect, and I just wanted to get home. But a year later I’m still quite hurt. I’m 3000 miles away, living a happy life, but every time I think of the wedding I feel sad and misunderstood and vilified. And I don’t know what to say to her about it, or even if I should say anything at all. Any advice?

—Invisible MOB

My in-laws are chronically late. Not a single one seems to be able to set an alarm, read a clock, or get ready on time. It makes vacationing with them impossible, even when we rent a house. Even if I am the one planning ahead and making the reservations, it is a coin flip if we make it or not. Over Labor Day, we didn’t manage to make a single one—the girls were still doing their hair, my father in law thinks traffic will not be bad, and the rest of them can’t understand that restaurants will not hold tables for them. We ended up driving around and trying to find a place that wasn’t packed to the gills and could seat twelve people. I am completely fed up and told my wife I would never be going on another trip with them again.

My job doesn’t give me much vacation, and I am not wasting it on people who can’t even bother with the most minimal respect. My wife argues that is just how her family is and I retorted that they make it to school and work on time, but when I say it is time to leave, they argue and ignore me. We can visit them at their homes where we can at least make sandwiches in peace. My wife says this isn’t fair. I feel she is being unfair to me by not standing up to them.

—Not Even an Early Bird

My mother-in-law lives with my husband and me. She is probably the best MIL a daughter in law could ask for. She has vision issues but does as much as she can physically and monetarily to help out. However, she has lived with us for a few years, and my husband and I could use a break from her being with us all the time. She has another son, and he never offers to take her for the day or weekend, at least not to my knowledge. She also has a sister who lives not too far away. Would it be in poor taste for me to ask her other son or sister to come and take her for a weekend to give us a little break?

—Needing a Break

Toward the end of last year, my devoutly Catholic mother told me that she would have to cut ties completely if I did not marry my partner of 17 years because we were “living in sin” and “an abomination before God.” As you might imagine, this was just the latest in a lifetime of melodrama, so I rolled my eyes, expressed my regret at her decision, and wished her well. We have not spoken since and, quite frankly, it’s been delightful. There’s just one small problem, what she and all but a handful of others don’t know is that my partner and I have been married for 11 years. We eloped and didn’t tell her because, well, she’s the kind of person who delivers melodramatic ultimatums.

My oldest sister, who is in the know, wants me to tell my mother that we’re married and reconcile, not least because she doesn’t want to be the sole caregiver for an emotional vampire in failing health but also because she thinks I am being cruel to a damaged woman in her 80s. Am I? Is there a way to preserve my relationship with a sister I love without having to surrender to the manipulative monster who raised me? I’m on the fence as to whether it is worth it.

—Not Living in Sin But Glad To

My boyfriend and I have been together for six years and our relationship has always been WORK. Although he is very thoughtful and intelligent, he is very critical of me. He often takes issue with my looks, the way I communicate, my weight, the things I like, etc. He will get into weird moods and confess that he doesn’t like an outfit I am wearing or is bothered by something that I did or said. It pains me that just being me causes him such distress. He is also always trying to tell me what to do, which is the biggest red flag for me. We have gone to counseling and have worked to improve our relationship, but our progress is minimal. I tolerate the mistreatment because ultimately he is a good man and our minimal progress is still progress.

—Should I Stay or Should I Go?

I love my 12-year-old stepdaughter “Stella,” but she would lose her head if it wasn’t attached to her head. She is constantly losing items or forgetting them or misplacing them. Despite living only 10 minutes away from her mother, it is always a struggle to hand Stella over because something she has to have gets left behind. We tried lists and alerts on her phone but short of packing everything for Stella ourselves, something ends up lost. Right now, Stella and my own two daughters have a mild obsession with the seasonal tumblers from Starbucks. They take them everywhere, but unless I literally carry it for Stella she loses it. Even on sale, they are expensive. After Stella managed to lose three over the course of one weekend, I hit my limit.

I bought a huge supply of bottled water and put it in the fridge for Stella. She can take that when we go out. Stella is embarrassed by this and complains to her mom. Her mother accused my husband and me of “favoring” my girls over Stella. At this I told my husband that unless her mother buys the tumblers for Stella, it is over with. I love Stella but this has gotten ridiculous. Is there any other way?

—Forget

Dear Prudence,

I learned to quilt from my aunt, and I treasure every moment we had together doing it. My adult stepdaughter has always been very distant despite all of my efforts, so when she announced her pregnancy, I thought a baby quilt would be the perfect gift and I even contacted her mother-in-law to see if she had any old clothes from her son. Sadly, there had been a fire at her childhood home and it burned to the ground. My husband and his then-wife had to replace everything. I did include what I thought was her favorite animal since she has dozens of them as decor. I gave it to her at the baby shower and explained the meaning behind the work. Everyone there loved it and told me how thoughtful it was.

Well, a few weeks later, my stepdaughter sent me an email lambasting me for quilting. I went “behind her back” by contacting her mother-in-law, I had no sense of boundaries because I should have asked her if she even wanted a quilt from me, and I obviously don’t know her at all if I thought the animal I put on the quilt was her favorite. I was very hurt and apologized to her for the sake of my husband and asked for the quilt back. I ended up donating it to a church raffle. Then the worst happened: The baby was stillborn. My stepdaughter asked for the quilt back so the baby could be buried with it. When I told her it was gone, she exploded. It was so bad, I didn’t attend the funeral out of fear of provoking a scene.

This was several years ago. I have genuinely tried to move on and just leave the relationship alone. Only she is pregnant again and I am getting pressure from my husband to make her another quilt. The thought turns my stomach. I have never done anything to earn her ire, other than marry her father after her mother died. And they had been divorced for a long time. It took me a good long while to even quilt again.

—Quitting Quilts

This is going to be odd, but please hear me out! My friend recently had a breakup with her boyfriend, (his idea), and it was not amicable. I work at the same company as her ex, and normally work from home, except for one day in the office. This is mandatory so, of COURSE, I am going to see him! I have not gone out of my way to talk to him, go over to his desk, or anything. I once had a run-in with him while we were both in the break room, but it was about passing the sugar. I just thanked him and went on my way.

This morning, I had an email from HR waiting for me in my inbox. Apparently, someone has been leaving notes on his car windshield that ask why he broke up with his girlfriend, what she did that was so wrong, and things of that nature. He believes I am doing it as we all park in a garage, which is supposed to be private but the company did not renew the contract to keep it private. I am assuming this has been my friend, but without the security footage, I have no proof. I am not sure if HR knows about the garage going public or not, I only know because I am in finance. What should I do? Toss my friend under the bus? Tell HR I have no idea what is going on but leave my friend out of it? HELP!

—Not Really a Stalker

A friend of my wife I’ll call “Stacy” is becoming very needy and stressing her out. They’ve been friends since college, but Stacy’s divorce, tendency to party too hard, and relentless job hopping have left her very lonely. My wife is extremely loyal and trying to be there for her while many others in their old friend circle have abandoned her. Stacy is a beautiful woman with a great career, but her relationship issues have destroyed her self-esteem and that stems from the “Hyde” that comes out when she parties too hard, ruining both romantic and friendly relationships. I support my wife, but Stacy needs therapy and she’s become an emotional burden on the only friend she has left. She keeps looking to my wife for advice on practically everything, but she needs real professional help to get her through these struggles and my wife needs a break from her.

—We Can’t Fix This

Participating in the comments section of websites is taking up more and more of my time. I am not sure if it is social isolation or what, but every day I spend an hour reading and responding to stories online. Most websites require you to log in to receive content, but that also allows commentary to happen. I need help because this activity is a source of stress and frustration that I would like to remove from my life. Thoughts?

—Cut the Cord

My brother, Greg, is over a decade younger than me, born during my absent father’s second marriage. We were raised in different states, but I looked in on him during the early days of COVID and found that he was busy producing right wing social media content about COVID conspiracies and racist ideas. Greg and I recently reconnected over a few visits home while my grandmother was dying. I was very closed off to him at first, but to my surprise he admitted that he used to just repeat everything his conservative stepdad said and just wanted to get attention on the internet by being inflammatory. It was a level of self-awareness I’ve never heard from someone with those views, and it made me curious about whether a reconciliation would be possible. But given that he mostly just rolled his eyes at his younger self, I’m not sure he’s had a true change of heart.

Greg is getting married next year and asked if I would attend and help with the wedding (I’m in the industry). My gut says there’s no way I want to block off a valuable summer weekend, pay for a flight, and also do actual work for this person—but I’m torn on whether I should just say I’m busy or if I should explain why I won’t be attending. They haven’t set a date yet, and it’s going to be pretty small and casual, so he suggested they could work with my schedule as the only out-of-town guest. I really just don’t want to go, but I wasn’t prepared to maybe have to take a stand about something that seems to be actively cooling off. If we were peers, it would be an easy decision to not spend time with a racist, but as the much older sibling I feel some pangs of guilt for not being around to guide him. Our father abandoned both of us, and I feel like I abandoned him too, even though I was just a kid too for half his life. What do you think?

—What Do I Owe?

I’ve been married to my amazing husband for almost 11 years now, and while I can’t imagine my life with anyone else, we’re at a bit of an impasse. All his life, he was told he was stupid, talked down to, and belittled by his parents and teachers. He barely made it out of high school alive but managed to scrape out an AA before giving up on school entirely. He’s worked in bars and restaurants for the last two decades because of this, and while he hates the work, thinks it’s the only thing he’s good at. Prudie, my husband is so much smarter and talented than he could ever imagine. He can visualize and execute complex construction projects without ever looking at a blueprint, and after a few hours of YouTube, he taught himself how to rewire our diesel truck. But he still considers himself stupid and unworthy of “real jobs” because he “isn’t smart enough.” His last “real job” ended badly because of a conflict with his absolutely unhinged boss.

Now we’re at a point in our lives where his part-time income (I work full time) from bartending isn’t covering the bills. There is an amazing opportunity with our county that has opened up that encompasses everything he loves to do, like fishing and boating, but because it involves some technical computer work and mapping systems, he thinks it is out of his reach. I disagree. I convinced him to submit his résumé, anyway, and he was selected for an interview. Now he’s panicking because he’s worried that he’ll just fail again like the last job (they’re in similar fields). I’ve been trying to remind him that the last job failed because his boss was an utter lunatic, and that he is so much more qualified than he gives himself credit for it. Therapy has never been on the table (I’ve been suggesting it for years to no avail), but I have no idea how I can convince him that he is smart and worthy and very good at what he does.

—Supportive Wife, Insecure Husband

Since quarantine wound down, I’ve been making an effort to go traveling more, sometimes alone and sometimes with a friend or two. I have two local friends who I enjoy seeing for dinner or hangouts, and who keep asking me when I’ll plan a trip with them. The thing is, I do not want to travel with either of them at all. They are both kind of bad at making plans or taking care of themselves (i.e. wearing flip-flops in November and complaining about how cold they are). Whenever they run into even a small problem, they act completely helpless and expect someone else to fix it (i.e. if one of them loses their phone, they say, “I lost my phone” and stare expectantly at you to start looking). This is something I’m fine with when we’re just grabbing food locally, but I would find it incredibly irritating when stuck in a hotel room or on a plane with them. They’ve started getting pushier about making plans, especially if they ever catch wind from a mutual friend that I have travel coming up. Do I just keep dodging endlessly, or should I say something to ease them off?

—When You’re “Monthly Dinners” Friends Not “International Travel” Friends