My wife and I told our three children that they had each set aside for them. We preferred they use it for their education but at 25, it would be theirs free and clear. And that was it, short of extraordinary circumstances. Our son used his money to go to college and the remainder to pay for his wedding. Our daughters both went into the military and had their college covered. One used her money to live abroad while the other recently used hers to buy a house. Our son and his wife have been struggling to conceive for a few years and have been very private about their attempts. We didn’t know about the amount of debt they have gone into trying for a child. They took out a second mortgage and maxed out credit cards. Right now, they are in a massive amount of debt. They asked us for more money to try IVF with a surrogate and stated that if we could “help” our daughters get a house and live overseas, we could do this one small thing for them.

We aren’t rich and given our family history, we are concerned about our quality of care as we age so retirement is our number one priority now. My wife and I declined and reminded our son that he got the same amount of money as his sisters. We had no control over what any of them did with it. Our daughter-in-law started to cry and berate us for how selfish we were and said that when they had a child we would never see them. Our daughter-in-law has already held us at arm’s length but has never been hostile toward us. We chalked it to her introverted nature. It was a shock and even worse, our son backed her up, saying how we never helped him and insulted his sisters as the “golden girls who got everything.” Now there is a rift between us and we have no idea what to do.

—Hurt in Houston

I’m a 32-year-old near-daily pot smoker. I think it improves my life. I’m gainfully employed, have great friendships and relationships, am active in my community, and enjoy my hobbies and artistic pursuits—mostly while stoned. I don’t drink or do any other drugs; cannabis seems different to me. My problem is that I think that my partner of seven years wants me to cut back, like a lot. I know this amount of cannabis consumption won’t last forever, that I’ll need to quit when I start trying to get pregnant soonish, etc. But right now, I like it! My partner won’t actually tell me he doesn’t like it, he’ll admit that it helps with my anxiety, and if I ask him directly, “Do you want me to stop?” he waffles and avoids giving a straight answer. But he will do addiction checklists to me and make comments I consider passive-aggressive. I know he cares about my health and well-being, but he’s making me feel crazy about something that I don’t actually feel conflicted about. I’m second-guessing myself and also sneaking around, which doesn’t feel great. What should I do?

—Functional Adult Stoner

I grew up in a small town. My graduation class had less than a hundred people. “Jan” was the reason I ate my lunch in the bathroom every day since middle school. I was the fat quiet girl, so easy prey for the queen bee bitch. And now Jan is the mother of my 6-year-old niece, thanks to a drunken night between her and my brother. I moved home with my 3-year-old after my husband died. I didn’t have much interaction with my niece before that. Well, she is a baby Jan. She steals toys from my daughter and teases her to make her cry. And lies so easily. I put up cameras because my parents didn’t believe me—my niece deliberately pushed my daughter and threw her toy into the bush and lied when asked why she was crying. Even with the evidence, my parents are in denial. My niece is there every day because her parents are a disaster. Jan has been threatening to take my niece away from day one while wanting to go out and party. I can’t take this.

My daughter and I live in a cabin on the family property. When my niece comes over, I leave with my daughter. My parents hate this and complain all the time.
I need to grow up and not blame a little girl for her mother. I pay rent. But I am so isolated and alone. My husband had family overseas but in a horrible country. I would lose all rights to my daughter if I went despite the fact they were kind to me. Worse comes to worst, I could move in with my sister. And her 900 square foot condo. Please help.

—Repeat

My estranged father passed away, I hadn’t spoken to him in 20 years and never expected to. That is a long story and not part of my issue/question. I have several siblings and two of them strongly want to remember him in their own way, and that’s fine. I’m not going to tell other people how their relationships should look or expect them to see things my way. We’re all fortunate enough to understand that he was a complicated person and our relationships with him (or lack thereof) were each our own. The problem is they want to have a small, intimate meetup at a place that we have some less stressful memories of our dad to spread his ashes and remember him, and they’re asking me to be there as support to them. But it feels like their request is disregarding my own feelings and I’m not sure how I can navigate the request without hurting either them or myself. How would I express to my siblings that while I respect their feelings and are empathetic to their loss, I have my own relationship with the person that I feel would be alienated if I allowed myself to support them?

—Supportive Sibling

I have had chronic pain for 20-plus years and just received a diagnosis. I’m thrilled that I finally have a medical diagnosis and treatment plan, after decades of being dismissed by doctors, but the problem is that it’s not curable. I have a treatment plan, and it’s not terminal, but it can’t be cured. While sharing my diagnosis with friends who’ve seen how pain has impacted my life for years, they, understandably, say they’re sorry I can’t be cured. I preface every conversation with how happy I am that a doctor finally believed that my pain was real and bothered trying to find out why, but I’m still making people sad by sharing my news! Do you have any suggestions for how to tell people without bumming them out?

—Pain and Gain

How do you navigate discussing difficult things with your friends when you’re all going through something difficult? I have a disability that moderately affects my day to day life. I can’t get a permanent job and can only do temp work or freelance when I feel up to it. That being said, I don’t have a family and have guaranteed free housing for at least the next year. I have a lot of friends with disabilities, some worse, some better than mine. Most of them, however, have families and financial obligations that I don’t have. I’m just not sure when it’s appropriate to vent. Like, I have a friend right now whose family is just getting over mono. That’s a very real thing that was hard on her, especially since her husband is not good around the house. I, on the other hand, just found a lump on my breast. While it’s scary, it could absolutely be nothing. It’s not like once you find a lump you immediately get as sick as someone who had mono.

I have a friend in a similar situation to me who has had cancer. We’re not as close as we used to be, we probably text once every week or two, but she has less obligations than most of my friends. The thing is, I feel bad texting her because she actually did have cancer. I possibly don’t have cancer and as someone with a disability, I really hate it when someone casually mentions they think they have X debilitating disability just because they had one minor symptom that could have meant a dozen other things.

On top of all of this, I feel like I’m not very close with any of my friends anymore. I don’t live in the same city as many of them. I don’t want to feel like a burden for something that may or may not become an issue. Do you have any advice on when it’s fine to dump your burdens on your friends?

—Bothersome Burden

My life-long friend has a really negative outlook and I want to help her, but don’t know how. Her biggest gripe is that she’s 42 and single, and she hates hearing about anyone else’s marriage or dating life. She also has extremely low self-esteem, describes herself as unlovable, and—in my opinion—has sabotaged past relationships by constantly questioning why the person is with her. She’s very bitter when friends get married and fall off the radar instead of continuing to prioritize her friendship. (But I think she’s pulling the classic “no one ever calls me” when she could just as easily call them.) She’s in therapy, but she just constantly complains.

I’ve casually suggested she talk to her therapist about antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, but she’s completely against them. She also has a high-stress job and high-stress family. I really want to help her, but I know that platitudes—like work on loving yourself before looking to love someone else—will just be annoying. We live far away from each other and mostly text. I love her, but don’t know how to help. Help?

—Sad for My Friend

My brother and his wife had my niece from a donated embryo—and plan to never tell her about it. Despite the fact that you can get cheap ancestry tests off Amazon. Their view is that the embryo was genetically screened so my niece will never “need” to ask any health questions about their family history. I told them that was perfectly fucked up. People have a right to their own histories and what made this any different from a regular adoption? My sister-in-law got angry and yelled at me. She gave birth, she was the mom here, and DNA is not anything to that bond. I am not disagreeing. I just think lying to my niece for the rest of her life or until she stumbles onto the truth makes me uncomfortable. My brother and parents told me I needed to shut up and that it wasn’t my place to tell. They’re right, it shouldn’t be mine. It should be my brother and sister-in-law’s. Everything I have looked up has said transparency is best and less harmful long term. And I had a friend find out she was the product of an affair and biracial- after mom died. It was brutal. My niece is only a toddler now. What should I do, if anything? What do I tell her when the truth comes out?

—DNA Questions

My husband and I are retired and listed our beautiful lake house for sale due to financial concerns and the fact that it requires so much care and maintenance. My oldest daughter, who is in her 40s is very upset and angry. She is sending nasty texts, won’t listen to our reasoning, blocked us on social media, and has done other similar behavior. She reacted the same way when we sold our other home. I am at a loss how to deal with it. Our friends, sons, and other neighbors are supportive. I have tried to be empathetic, but now it is getting very distressing. Any advice would be appreciated!

—Goodbye Lake

Dear Prudence,

At social gatherings, my wife insists on dominating all conversation. She filibusters, goes off on random tangents, and interrupts anyone who tries to talk. I have told her this is not the way you talk to people, and that friends are offended by it. I am extremely embarrassed by this in a marriage which is otherwise fine. But she seems hard-wired to do this. How do I handle this?

—Throwing Up Hands

I have a couple of friends who live in a different state, and I invited them to visit for a girls’ weekend. I was really excited for a low-key weekend of friendship and fun; several previous visits with the three of us have been really nice. One of the friends has been having a relationship with a guy, John, who has just gone through a difficult divorce. She texted me yesterday to ask if it’s OK if she brings John along. I never want to exclude anyone, but I was really looking forward to an easy, quiet weekend.

These are two of my best friends, so if they visit and my house isn’t perfect it’s no big deal. Adding another person to the mix, especially a guy, really changes things. John’s very nice, but my husband has social anxiety and he’s never met him, so for my husband, it feels fairly stressful to have a new person he doesn’t know staying in the house. John is also on the opposite side of the political spectrum from all of us, and our last guest got drunk and started to fight over politics over dinner. It was ugly. If my other friend had brought her husband, and this was a couples weekend, I would have no problem with it. If she wants to bring John in the future, that’s also fine. I was really looking forward to having my friends visit for a low-key weekend since I haven’t seen them in a long time, but I feel guilty.

—Four’s a Crowd

About eight years ago, a close friend ghosted me. This was after I graduated high school. I messaged her multiple times, over a period of five months, to ask her what I had done wrong. Each time, she ignored me. After that, I decided to delete her from social media because if she didn’t want to answer my messages, she didn’t deserve to know what was going on in my life. Recently, I’ve thought about her and decided that I really needed closure on what happened. I messaged her a few times on Instagram (her account is public) and each time got no response. Fed up, I decided to call her on her cell phone. I started the call aggressively and came across as slightly unhinged. She answered and was shocked to hear from me. Turns out, she hadn’t gotten my messages nor could she remember why she stopped talking to me. All she could offer was that she had opinions on how she used to be but that it was a long time ago and she didn’t remember. I’m annoyed that I didn’t get closure, but also embarrassed that I came across as extremely petty and immature to someone who moved on. I sent her a text apologizing and trying to offer context for my behavior but received no response. How do I move on from this?

—Criminally Embarrassed

I am seeking your advice to protect my peace of mind and that of my spouse and children. I live clear across town and not near any businesses, churches, parental friends, or relatives. But, my parents drive by my home 2-to-3 times a day, many times a week, and have done so for over 15 years. They do not stop for a visit. They drive by and gawk at my home. When we wave, they seldom respond and appear to be “caught.” Then, they will call to question me about who drives what car that was at my home, who came over for a visit, or demand an explanation about the goings and comings of our house. There have been many times where I was outside, but my parents were only concerned about what was happening in my garage or what was in my trash. It is obvious they are only interested in making observations and demanding explanations about what they see, all of which is controlling behavior. I feel like our home and life is an aquarium for their amusement.

I told them many, many times that we find this conduct to be abnormal and harassing. In response, they laugh, claim to have been at “garage sales” or that they live in a “free country.” While we do not have the best relationship (brought about from a long history of other abuses), this continued conduct certainly is not helping matters. As a child, my parents made it clear they did not want me and they “hated” me. At 15 or 16 years of age, they put me out of their house and rendered me homeless. They worked hard at keeping me down. 35 years later, I am a successful person. I am bothered they did not want me as a child, and now they will not leave me or my family alone. I worked very hard to buy a safe home in a nice neighborhood on the outskirts of town. I did not purchase a home for others to demand explanations about what I am doing in it. I am convinced if this was not “parents,” this type of conduct would fall within the definition of “stalker.” I am not inclined to involve the police, and I feel I should not have to do so. We want to live without being watched and questioned. Do you have any advice or suggestions? Can you please help me?

—Tired of Being a Goldfish

The day my sister died, I was in her house looking after my nephews while their father stayed by her bedside. He returned home shortly after I had put them to bed and we sat together crying and hugging, talking late into the night. At some point in the early hours of the morning, we ended up having sex and we had a very brief affair with no romantic feelings, just deep sadness and loss. That ended after a very emotional conversation in which he asked me to leave, and I’ve stayed away ever since. I didn’t even attend her funeral. Several weeks later, I discovered I was pregnant and quickly decided to terminate because the alternative was far too raw and complicated. Besides the horrible emotional cost of all of this, I am now navigating all sorts of family pressure, particularly from my parents who cannot understand why I am “heartlessly ignoring my nephews when they need me most.” It’s a horribly fraught situation and one I hope will resolve with time, but for now, I need a script to get people to stop pressuring me to engage with my brother-in-law when he would not welcome it without explaining why.

—Distant Auntie

My son’s girlfriend has gained a lot of weight in the last few months; she suffers from PCOS. I tried to broach the topic with my son—he is aware, but I’m not sure he addresses the issue. I know it’s not my place to say anything, but I am really concerned about the GF’s health on the way to obesity What do I do? I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my son, but this is really unhealthy, and I worry about him having to carry this.

—Can’t Take the Heat

I am 37 years old, and sometimes, I feel that in my career and intellectual development I fall 10-15 years behind. I never had a stable job. Nor have I experienced an adventurous change of career where I struggled but then achieved success. I rarely ever had solid savings, and when I did, they were used up during my periods of unemployment or hardship. I often hear that in your late-thirties, you are supposed to be more financially stable, and it makes me feel like such a loser. Of course, I can find excuses. I grew up in Russia in the political and economic turmoil of the ‘90s, in the family with a working-class father and a university lecturer mother. At 13, I was hit by an extreme eating disorder that affected me physically, significantly delayed my puberty and caused health problems for years to come, so I had to spend a lot of money on visiting private clinics. In the late 2008, my mother and I moved to a country in East/Central Europe: She for personal reasons, and I for starting a grad school in the U.S.-accredited university. What a stupidity to choose an academic career in humanities with such a modest social background! I was writing a PhD while struggling to fix my health issues and my social anxiety. At 30 I moved to a Scandinavian country for a postdoc that gave me only a temporary economic relief, and I have been on temporary academic contracts ever since.

At 34, in the same Scandinavian country, I started my first relationship ever—because earlier I considered myself to ugly, poor, and stupid for dating—and now I am starting a family of my own. I am happy in my relationship, I have a great psychotherapist, I am over many anxieties that ruined my 20s. But I am still on a temporary academic contract. I consider leaving academia after it ends, but starting a new career in a foreign country is a challenge. Seeing what people of my age have achieved career-wise, I hit myself in the head for my poor choices. Many people with a working-class background managed to succeed and reach prosperity, but I failed. My partner, whose social background is similar to mine, is sad about my habit of comparing myself with others, and I reproach myself additionally for bringing him down. Am I broken? Am I a weakling who can only whine and not organize her life even while in psychotherapy? Who I am and will I ever be more “normal”? Many thanks for your attention!

—Tired of Considering Myself a Loser

I’m sure you get plenty of letters about rotten mothers-in-law, and while my MIL is far from rotten, I’ve found her difficult to tolerate in recent years. She’s generous with her time, money, and attention, which I appreciate. If we need a favor, she won’t hesitate to help us. But she drives me bonkers! Without getting into all the things she’s done over the years that were not her business (such as calling my/husband’s health provider to get COVID test results because my husband was busy and she wanted to know); all her prying into people’s business (including questioning my mother on more than one occasion about my father’s death, which made her very uncomfortable); and outright telling people what to do unsolicited (me as a time mom years ago, etc.), I find her very overbearing and annoying, and frankly don’t like her much.

MIL caused much conflict between me and husband when our son was born (admittedly, so did my lingering PPD), so four years ago, our family (me, husband, child) moved an hour away from in-laws, which helped immensely. Now, in-laws are downsizing in a few months and decided to move 10 minutes away from us, where they know nobody else. MIL has needed my husband’s help much more in the search for their new home, and I can feel myself slipping back into my old feelings that caused us to move (back then, it was either divorce or we move). I told my husband how I’m feeling and we discussed it, and our marriage is strong, and he will be firm with her and handle situations as they arise, as he’s always done, but what can I do differently this time around? I love my family, and I’m also sympathetic that my husband is an only child and our son is their only grandchild. I would never keep my husband or son hostage, but how can I deal with someone who I would not otherwise want to be around and keep my sanity?

—No-Contact Not an Option

I have a lot of food intolerances. Growing up, I was constantly put down as a picky eater but screamed at for hogging the toilet (because the food made me sick). I have a select variety of food that I trust and have been buying it for myself since I was a teenager. That hasn’t stopped my sister from stealing my food and stuffing herself. She can literally put away a week’s worth of junk food in a sitting, then whining that there is “nothing” to eat in the house.

There are plenty of fruits and veggies, but my mother refuses to buy more junk for my sister. Even if I hide the food in my room, my sister will go in and stuff herself. When we fight over the theft, she whines and cries and our parents blame me. I can’t afford to move out. I can barely afford my bike repairs and college costs. Last time, my sister accused me of giving her an eating disorder, and I screamed she was starving me to be a fat stupid pig. Our mother told me to stop and I threw a toilet paper roll at her head. I screamed because they refused to take me seriously as a kid and I can’t afford to see a doctor now and I literally shit myself when I eat normal food. My father locked up my bike as punishment so I have a 40-minute walk to work and school. What should I do?

—Fed Up

Me and my partner are at a complete impasse with regard to his two cats. About six year ago, we found a wonderful and cheap house that we both love. The only problem is that the lease states that we are not allowed to have any pets. As a workaround, my partner’s parents, who live about 1.5 hours by car, were kind enough to take his cats in, where they’ve been since. Now, with little warning and no apparent room for negotiation, his parents have decided that they no longer want the cats and have told my partner that he needs to take them within the next week.

I love cats very much, but I do not want to live with two cats for a number of reasons. One is that I do not feel comfortable with pets in my space. I am very particular about my things and we have built a pet-free house around that for six years Another is that my partner and I both travel a lot for work, and I am not comfortable with people coming into our house daily to take care of the cats while we’re gone. Another, and perhaps the most important, is that we simply are not allowed to have cats in our house! This is the whole reason why the cats have not been living here since we moved in. I love our house and our living situation, and I am not comfortable with the idea of violating our lease.

I have stated my boundary to my partner and he has responded with a series of dismissals (“you’re being dramatic, it will be fine,” “your boundaries need to bend”), insults (“you don’t care if the cats live or die”), and manipulative attempts at control (“I’m not choosing you over the cats”). I am feeling really stuck, like the only solution is for us to take the cats in and for me to concede on my boundaries. If the lease were not an issue, I would be willing to find a compromise (i.e. restricting parts of the house), as I realize that these are his cats and that they are living beings that deserve to be safe and properly cared for, but I simply am not comfortable taking the risk on our lease. I have asked my partner to talk to our landlord and get confirmation that it will be “fine” and to take on anything that she may ask as a result, but he refuses to do so. This is part of a larger problem in our relationship, wherein I don’t really feel like a person to him. I feel that he sees me as something he can manipulate and control to his own ends, rather than someone whose feelings and needs deserve to be respected regardless of whether he agrees with them or not.

—Cat-astrophe

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over three years. We have a great relationship overall; we communicate well, and he’s very understanding and non-judgmental. One thing is really getting to me. He is close to my brother, whom I don’t like. I used to be close with my brother, but about a year and a half ago I had a falling out with our oldest sibling and the brother in question made some severe and hurtful judgments in which he accused me of intentionally trying to hurt people (I just “didn’t realize” that was my intention because it’s subconscious, but he knows somehow) and making many other accusations about me as a person and what goes on in my head and also dictating how I should feel about things. My friends and boyfriend assured me he was wrong (and they’ve shown that they’re not afraid to disagree with me, so it didn’t make sense anyway).

Shortly before this falling out, my brother joined my boyfriend’s band. Now, a year and a half later, nothing is different between my brother and me. I tolerate seeing him at the band’s shows but always dread it, and, worse, my boyfriend says they have a close relationship since they’re in a band together. I had thought their relationship was just decently friendly, but not close. I wish my brother out of my life, but I’ve been tolerant about him being in the band. But the fact that my boyfriend could develop a close relationship with someone who put me down so much (all of which he knows about) feels awful like he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. I wish he were more protective of my feelings. Is this a deal breaker or am I overreacting?

—Not Feeling This Music

I hung out twice with a guy I met at a friend’s New Year’s Eve party. One hangout was 90 percent platonic, with a little kissing at the end; the next was more formally a date, but I realized I did not like him and had been more excited about having a date in general. When he asked if I wanted to hang out again, I said no. He kept texting me, so I said I had realized that in regard to some big changes in my life, I just didn’t have the energy to bring someone new into my life. He said he understood.

He keeps texting on holidays and is the first to like my social media posts. I’ve restricted his access to most of them, and I don’t answer his texts. I wanted to treat him with kindness, due to sharing a mutual friend, but will probably unfriend him completely. Should I be more direct if he texts again, or is it kind of silly that it’s so hard to break up with someone I wasn’t ever seeing exclusively?

—Was I Too Nice?

My kids’ school district and daycare closed due to snow. I had to call off to my employer because I had no childcare. I don’t typically call out. Maybe less than seven times in a five-year tenure. My husband makes more than double what I do and cannot miss work. He is a one-man band so missing work for him is not possible as he is the breadwinner.

My manager shamed me for calling out. She started grilling me with questions and giving me parenting advice that I do not need. She questioned me like I was in an interrogation, mostly to make sure there were no holes in my story, asking why I don’t have a backup plan. Everyone is snowed in so all sitters are unavailable. I’m pretty sure she sent someone to check our driveway to see if my story adds up. I can’t prove it. The company has about 75 employees. I get it, having someone call out is inconvenient. But the stress and fear that it puts on me are far worse. Can she do that? What do I do to cope with this guilt? I get paid well and looking for a new job is tedious. Telling her how I feel is not an option if I want to keep my career.

—Snowed In Stress

I (W/40) am struggling to connect with a long-time friend (W/45) anymore. We met at college years ago and following the recent break-up with her long-time partner, she’s become two people. On weeks she has the kids (13 and 12; also my god-children), she’s a devoted mother and a kind (if exuberant) person. But on weeks she doesn’t, she’s partying, sleeping with 18-year-olds, drinking, flirting inappropriately, flashing body parts, etc. When we recently hung out, she drunk-dialed one of boyfriends and made me speak with him. Very awkward. I have no interest in that second part of her life, but she says I’m being unsupportive. I love the kids, I spend time with them. When I recently went to visit them and their father (also a good friend!), my friend broke down. I understand that was hurtful to her (though not intentionally, I assure you) and apologized. But this relationship is draining for me. I don’t want to lose my friend (the kind one!) but her alter-ego is exhausting. I try to speak to her, but when I feel I get through, she reverts back next time we speak. This is complicated by the fact that I live two states away, so a lot of our interactions are by phone. How do I move forward?

—40 and Not Partying with College Kids

Three years ago, my wife and I moved away from the town we lived in for 20 years. We had a number of friends there and generally had a good social life. Since we moved, however, it has been very hard for my wife to make friends. And I know why. She is a terrible conversationalist. We have had a few outings with other couples, but no matter what we end up talking about, the conversation always becomes about her. She tells the same stories repeatedly. She talks over people. She doesn’t seem to be interested in what others are talking about. You can see it in their faces when my wife just turns it back to her when they are talking about something else. We go away from these outings with my wife thinking it went great, while I know we aren’t going to be hearing from the other couples. And I have been right way more often than not. I have tried to talk with her about this, but she doesn’t see the problem. But she is also frustrated and lonely and is genuinely a wonderful and nice person. She just isn’t great at conversations. How do I get her to see this? How can I help her with this?

—Wife Can’t Converse