My almost four-year marriage is in dire straits due to my wife’s obsession with her teen daughter from a previous relationship. I say “her” daughter because my wife doesn’t want me to have anything to do with her parenting or time with her daughter. The daughter is my wife’s priority and doesn’t think the marriage should take precedence over her relationship with her daughter. The daughter no longer likes me and tries to always be with my wife so I can have no time with her. My wife seems to relish in this. If I come into a room they are in, they stop their talking and laughing together until I leave, and then it resumes. If I confront my wife about it, she says it’s all in my head, and I really should let it go. When I come into her home, my wife refuses to even greet or acknowledge me. I say “her” home because she completely left me out of the recent homebuying process. It was her and the daughter’s involvement. Most of my stuff is in storage because I am not allowed to fill the house with any of it yet the daughter can. No pictures of us or our wedding are allowed, yet pictures of the daughter are all around the house. My wife’s office is a shrine to her daughter. There is no affection or intimacies anymore. She yells at me if she even converses with me. She comes to bed late and says nothing and falls asleep. Lately I’ve given up and just slept on the couch. She told me the other day that I need to change to be someone she deserves. The problem is, I don’t know what that means or why she’s saying it as I’m still the same person I was when we married. I’m at my wits’ end and don’t know where to go from here.

— Lost, Alone, and Frustrated

I don’t know how best to support my boyfriend in his relationship with his body. We’ve been together for about four years and he’s been chubby for most of that time, which he’s been comfortable and even happy with. He has worked from home since COVID began, but his company, after delaying their return to in-person work several times, finally announced that they wouldn’t be returning in person at all but instead transitioning to a fully remote workplace. This has been really difficult for my boyfriend as he hates having home and work in the same place and had been really looking forward to finally “going back to the office.”

The issue is that he’s an absent/emotional eater and grazes constantly throughout the day when he works from home. Stressed out about a project? He snacks. Anxious about a meeting? He snacks. Bored? Excited? He snacks, sometimes to the point where by the end of the workday, he’s on the couch with a food coma and too full to eat dinner. He’s always been a big snacker, but having constant access to our kitchen during the workday has exacerbated the habit by a lot. I honestly wonder if the stress of his work situation has triggered binge eating disorder or something similar, though I haven’t broached that with him.

He’s gained a lot of weight over the past couple years, and although he never expressed discomfort with his body before this, recently he’s made some comments about being frustrated by his “lack of self-control” (his words) and said some cruel, disparaging things about his current weight and how he doesn’t fit into his clothes. I think he looks great regardless and have told him as much—I have zero issue with his weight gain except that he’s upset about it. It’s really difficult to watch him struggle with this and see him so unhappy in his body when he used to be the opposite.

So my question is, what can I do to support him? We already go for daily walks together, and I’ve made it clear to him that I don’t think less of him for any of this, and my (deep) attraction to him has not changed now that he’s heavier. I’ve also felt him out about finding a similar job somewhere else if working from home is detrimental for him, but he loves his job and his coworkers and has great benefits on which we both rely for insurance, so he’s loath to leave. I love him and I hate seeing him be so cruel to himself, and I want to do whatever I can to help him through this—I just don’t know how.

— Stumped in Seattle

My partner and I live on the first floor of a three-family house that is split into three apartments. Two girls around our age (mid-late 20s) live on the second floor. One girl has a boyfriend who comes over frequently, and very often (probably every other day) they have screaming fights so loud that we can often hear bits of what they’re saying through the ceiling/floor (she often expresses that the boyfriend doesn’t listen, needs therapy, doesn’t do anything right). Sometimes this is followed by vigorous sex; other times it’s followed by loud sobbing. Sometimes during the fights we also hear thumps/thuds but it’s hard to tell if those noises are violent or if they’re just stomping/normal moving-around sounds that seem louder since they’re above us. It’s mildly disruptive to us, but we’re also concerned about the girl given the amount of screaming/crying/thudding.

We don’t know them personally as we moved in not long ago and are super COVID-cautious, whereas upstairs often hosts large, loud parties where someone is always coughing, so not only are they strangers but we’re not actually sure which one is in the relationship. It feels like maybe it’s not our place to be like, “hey, are you okay? We hear a lot of troubling stuff downstairs!” and I don’t want to embarrass her. Furthermore, for all we know SHE could be the problem and the one possibly throwing things around/acting unreasonably. But it’s also a LOT of yelling and it seems like a bad relationship to be in, and it also feels wrong to let it happen if something really is going wrong. What’s the right thing to do here?

— Downstairs Dilemma

My best friend of 35 years is a man (I’m a woman). We are in our mid-50s. We love each other and have for some time. We have just been waiting for the other one to say it. So, finally we have both admitted to one another we’d like to try elevating our relationship to the next level. It’s going beautifully. We enjoy each other so much and are spending our weekends together and have begun a physical relationship. We are happy. Truly are! We want to go to Texas together in the fall to a game, and he has asked me to go with to visit his family. He says he is happy and fond of where his life is going. How does this man feel about us?

— Tired of Being Hurt

My parents are divorced due to my dad cheating on my mom with my godmother, her (then) closest friend. My mom and I walked in on them together when I was 6 years old and she had taken me out of school early due to my being sick. Seeing them was awful and the divorce was a nightmare. My mom wanted custody split evenly, but my dad missed picking me up so regularly and would so often take me back to mom’s early that eventually she got sole custody instead. It was a really difficult time in which I felt my dad didn’t love me anymore. When I was 9, my mom married “Gareth,” my stepdad. Gareth was and is incredible—everything my dad wasn’t. He showed up for all my school events, patiently looked after me during my worst, moodiest teenage behavior and a severe mental health crisis when I was 15, and all-round has been the best father figure you could wish for. He and I are close to this day, and I love that my mom has found such a great man.

I’m getting married next spring. I of course want Gareth to walk me down the aisle. He seemed overjoyed when I asked him, and he and my mom have been enthusiastically helping me and my fiancé with wedding plans—they have offered significant financial support, for which we are deeply grateful. My dad, meanwhile, has only met my partner once, and was extremely rude to him. I wouldn’t dream of accepting financial aid from my dad even if it was ever offered, incidentally. Nonetheless, I invited my dad to my wedding and asked if he would not start a fight with my mom and Gareth if we all sat at the family table together. He agreed, then asked sharply if I was doing the “father walks you down the aisle” tradition. I said yes, and that I’d asked Gareth, as the man who raised me for most of my childhood. My dad blew up, yelling at me and saying that my mom had “stolen” me from him as a child, that she had obviously manipulated me into hating him, and that if he saw Gareth walking me down the aisle, he’d walk out of the wedding.

I was genuinely taken aback as, to be honest, my dad has never come across as particularly caring about me or being involved in my life before this—he hasn’t ever visited my home and never calls me, always expecting that I will call him and make arrangements to see him. He prioritizes his latest girlfriends over me, consistently. My fiancé thinks we should disinvite him from the wedding to prevent him causing trouble, while my mom suspects that he is all talk and wouldn’t actually leave midway through as he claims. I don’t know what to do. Part of me is weirdly touched that he even cares about this, while the rest of me is furious at his actions. I need an outside viewpoint—what do you think I should do?

— Get Me Out of Here

I got labeled aggressive by one of my friends. I’ve always known that I intimidate people, but I never really thought it was because of my personality. I always thought it was either because of my body type, my athletic ability, or my education. Recently, I lost touch with a friend of mine. That’s not completely uncommon for me when I get busy at work. I ran into her over the weekend. She was nice and friendly, but definitely got uncomfortable when a friend came up and mentioned a party she was having. It was clear she didn’t want me to go, and I brought that up. Long story short, she accused me of having an “aggressive” personality. She didn’t mean I was mean, she meant that I get really excited about things, am confident in my opinions, and am sometimes very loud.

That is all absolutely true and I have no plans on changing that, but my problem is, I think this may be why I no longer have any close friends. I’ve always thought of myself as a social chameleon, preferring to match the vibe of the other person, unless I’m talking about something I’m passionate about. I don’t usually talk about those things unless the person I’m talking to has the same interest. I am naturally a very lighthearted person and I always thought that people saw that instead of my size or my resume. A few years ago, I found out there was a boy I liked in high school who was intimidated by my athletic ability, and for years I’ve seen people act weird when I tell them where I graduated from college, but I always thought that didn’t matter because of my personality. Now I’m wondering if that’s true. Even in college, I had very few friends, even among athletes who wouldn’t be intimidated by me. I really want to find some close friends again. Do you have any advice on how I can avoid intimidating people while not hiding who I am?

— Aggressively Friendly

I would appreciate your help with a minor issue that is becoming not-so-minor. I have a good friend (we can call her “Louise”) who I’ve known for close to 15 years. She’s recently developed a habit that’s getting on my nerves: She will send me memes, jokes, and cute videos multiple times a day, almost every day of the week except on weekends. For example, one day about two weeks ago she sent me four (!), and today by 10:30 a.m. she’d already sent me two. On top of that, it’s generally during my work hours; fortunately, I work from home—as does she, and I’m assuming she’s bored—so I’m not getting in trouble because of it, but the interruptions are annoying.

I’ve turned off as many notifications as I can, and I try not to respond unless I’m on lunch or my day is over, but she’ll send more regardless. Can you suggest a way to bring this up gently, as I need her to calm down but don’t want to hurt her feelings? It’s nice that she’s thinking about me, but once or twice a week would be fine. How many baby Yoda memes does one person need to share?

— Meme in Peace

I moved to a new city a year ago and made what I thought were two good friends. I hadn’t known them long but still sent them wedding “save the dates.” But then our friendship dynamic started to feel off (passive-aggressive remarks, mean girl cliquey behavior, etc.) I recently broke my leg and they’ve both been completely absent. They’ll text and say what can I do to help, I’ll say I’d love visitors (I can’t get around much with just one leg) and then they ghost. They both live 10 minutes away but haven’t come around once. Some other acquaintances have been really lovely, and I think I’d rather stop investing in these friendships.

But what do I do about the wedding invite? They don’t have all the details yet and I’d rather just not mention it. I’m only having a wedding celebration so my partner and I can celebrate with friends we’re truly close to, and I think I’d feel really used if they came and it would sour the event. But what should I do if they ask about the wedding?

—Mean Girl Phobia

My husband and I recently had friends round for dinner, along with their 3-year-old son. Frequently, they told him not to do things (like hitting our wall, running around the house, and walking around with his food) but he still did these things. We felt so awkward because if we had been looking after him without his parents being around, we would have sat him down, explained our house rules, and outlined the consequences (like no dessert). But because his parents were in front of us, it felt out of place for us to essentially discipline him. How do we deal with this awkward situation without simply not inviting them back inside the house?

—Please Don’t Break Our Home

I’ve been with my fiancé for five years. The first six months of our relationship were an affair—I was 24 and he was 31—and I found out early on that he was married, kept telling myself to break things off, but was never was able to do it. His (now ex-)wife learned about the relationship and was willing to try to work things out, but he ultimately chose to divorce her. During the initial months following the revelation of the affair, I put up with a lot of abuse from her. I truly felt bad for what she was going through, and I recognized that a lot of it was my fault, so I would just listen and apologize. I never tried to pass the blame or name-call back. I knew I was in the wrong, and I did what I could not to add to her pain. But after all this time, she still hates me, and to this day I have never met the kid they had together, though my fiancé sees his daughter at least once a week. To his ex-wife, there are no good people who sometimes do bad things, just good and bad people, and I am a bad person.

When the three of us sat down in counseling to discuss my meeting their daughter, she said I was the devil and it would disrupt the daughter’s life to meet me. According to her, the kid barely even wants to see her dad because “she is terrified of him.” I asked why—because there is absolutely no reason for her to be afraid of him, and I think she is poisoning the kid against her dad—and she didn’t have an answer. When I asked if she thought it was healthy for her daughter to be frightened of her father, she responded “really not my problem.” The result of the counseling session was that we agreed that in three months they would tell the child that I exist, but there was still no solid plan for my meeting her. What now?

—Sad and Confused

I need some advice on how to help my mom… while also not helping my mom. She has recently become very vocal with me, particularly online, about some marital troubles she’s having with my dad after 30-plus years of marriage. Mostly, I think she isn’t feeling seen by my dad, feels neglected and distant from him, related to some arguments about big decisions concerning retirement, etc. I don’t think they would ever divorce at this point (immigrant family and they don’t have much of a support system in the U.S.—my mom relies on my dad entirely financially) The way my mom has been expressing these problems to me makes me uncomfortable—she’ll send quotes via social media (think empowering woman quotes about a woman not chasing a man who doesn’t love her… Pinterest-style).

I don’t really feel like I can be the person to hear about my parents’ marital problems. I don’t know how to help, and honestly don’t want to be the person TO help, and I REALLY would like to stop receiving canned quotes related to how my parents don’t love each other anymore. I’m an adult; I wish I could be there for my mom in this regard, but I just can’t. I love my dad. I know he is oblivious and my mom’s problems with him are rooted in reality, but I have a lot of trouble providing advice or even just LISTENING to her feelings about him. It makes me very anxious and upset. How can I help my mom, while also not being her main soundboard for these types of feelings?

—Not Taking Sides

I recently went through a rough breakup with my on-and-off-again ex. Recently, my ex experienced a traumatic accident at work that left him paralyzed from the waist down. I would often travel two hours away, where he lived and was seeking recovery in the hospital, to support him. This sometimes consisted of staying at his rental home which he shares with his twin brother. His twin brother and I had established a routine of living together when I would stay over the weekends. Often sharing responsibilities at the house and even visiting his brother, my ex, in the hospital together. We even shared past experiences with our own mental health struggles with one another.

When my ex broke it off again, I was not only devastated because I lost a boyfriend but because I felt like I lost the friendship with his brother. After some discussion, his twin brother and I decided to stay friends. To my knowledge, my ex does not know that I have remained friends with his twin brother. The twin brother and I will message each other occasionally, make plans to hang out, and I have even spent nights at the house again. In fact, we plan on getting matching tattoos. At times, I feel guilty for continuing this friendship, but I do believe that I have a right to continue it and be happy. I am worried in regards to the twin brother filling a void that his brother, my ex, left when he ended the relationship. But I do recognize that even though they are twins they are very different people.

Recently, I have been confused about the feelings that I have for the twin brother, do I like him as a friend or more? I am not sure. What do I do Prudence? Am I wrong to be friends with my ex’s twin brother? How do I know if I have feelings for the twin brother or just missing my ex?

—Confused

A lifelong friend of my husband never married. He worked hard for many years—nights, weekends, holidays, sometimes we didn’t see him for months. Between all the work and many years of college, he didn’t find any female companionship, and didn’t really have time for courtship. His parents, both now deceased, left him a nice chunk of change, and his frugal, penny-pinching lifestyle, along with some good investments, led him to take out a trust written by some high-priced, big-city lawyers.

Now in his early fifties, he finally found Miss Right about two years ago, at the funeral of a close family friend. She’s from the wrong side of town, in her early twenties, and drop-dead gorgeous. Her mother disapproved of their living together, until she got a shiny new SUV. Education is very important to him, and he has paid for her to go to a local state commuter college. Then COVID hit. With just less than two years of college, she had to stop taking classes. Now that things have loosened up, she’s really enjoying his money, having lunches with her girlfriends, shopping, going to the gym to keep her gorgeous figure, and of course, the beauty salon. She doesn’t want to make time for books and classes anymore.

She doesn’t want to go back to college, and she’s found a way to keep from going: Have a baby. She’s convinced having a baby will change everything, and stop her from going to classes permanently, so she’s trying very hard to get pregnant. There’s just one thing. I don’t think he can get her pregnant, and I don’t think he wants to tell her that. When I tell my husband her plan, he just chuckles and says “yeah, when she gets pregnant.” I think he got snipped some time ago, and isn’t telling her. She’s determined to get pregnant with or without him, and live the nice  cushy life he has worked so hard to get. If she gets pregnant and the DNA shows it isn’t his, he’ll drop her off back at her mom’s house in the ghetto and forget about her. Her ambulance-chasing ghetto lawyers won’t stand a chance against his big-city lawyer trust. She won’t get him for a dime. How do I tell her she’s wasting a great opportunity? It seems we got the girl out of the ghetto, but we can’t get the ghetto out of the girl.

— Ghetto Girl

I’ve met the woman of my dreams. We’ve been casual friends for over three years, but we’ve been dating seriously for the last seven months, and I am completely in love with her. We’ve had some hardship along the way rooted in my insecurities and infidelity, but ultimately have decided to start fresh and move forward together with couples therapy and open communication.

Here’s where the trouble starts. She is Black. I am Latinx (mostly European). Even though I grew up in a diverse and predominantly Black community and all my first romantic/sexual experiences were with Black women, my ex-wife and several recent partners in adult life have all been white or white-presenting. This leads her to believe that I have a “type” and that she is very much not it. More importantly, we’ve started discussing the fact that as a Black woman in America, she has felt the heavy toll of racism and tokenism when dating outside of her race.

She is a very sexy and confident woman, but doesn’t feel attractive in our relationship, even though I’ve told her how much I love her body and how much I desire her physically repeatedly. She feels like an “exception” or like I’m bending the rules of what I am attracted to in order to fit her into my life. It makes me feel awful to hear that. I genuinely love every atom of her being. However, she can’t seem to shake the fact that I have dated mostly white women. A few weeks ago she found a screenshot of a white Instagram influencer in a sexy pose in my deleted photos folder and was very triggered.

I don’t know what I can do to make her believe that I genuinely find her attractive and that whatever “type” I may have had in the past has no bearing on me choosing her as my life partner. She says this is only something she can resolve on her own through therapy and soul-searching. But it makes me feel helpless, and I can’t help but feel like there is SOMETHING that I can do on my end. I already compliment her constantly, I show affection and kiss her and touch her, and several other things. But nothing seems to help.

— Crazy in Love

I’m a bisexual woman in my mid-twenties that primarily dates other women. In recent months, for various reasons, I decided to try dating men again. So, I adjusted my settings on dating apps, and ended up matching with a man whom I thought I clicked very well with. We hung out several times online playing games, watching movies, and in general texting a lot before scheduling dinner. Over dinner, we had a lot of discussions about relationships, further interests, etc. and overall I had a great time (and thought he did as well).

And then I basically got ghosted. He would make excuses to not meet up or hang out online, respond very briefly or not at all, but avoided answering when I asked very directly if he was still interested (he skirted around the question and claimed that he was busy). I got the message pretty quickly though and quit trying to initiate contact after that.

I’m aware that I’m pretty conventionally attractive; many peers have told me this. I pride myself on being a witty conversation partner and an interesting date and so far, everything in my life has indicated that this is true. Yet, somehow this latest incident has somehow dredged up the worst of my insecurities. I’m East Asian, and the fact that I had tanner skin (not even that tan for crying out loud! I’m just not as pale as snow) and was a little heavier and a lot taller than the average East Asian girl who was commented on A LOT as a child, almost always by adults. Having been ghosted only after we met in person has made me fall back into unhealthy patterns from high school (being anxious in the sun for fear of becoming “darker,” borderline disordered eating because I wasn’t “skinny” enough, etc.) I never had any indication from other people I’ve met through dating apps (all women) that the photos on my profile were inaccurate to my real life appearance or that my physical presence was unpleasant so I’m not sure why this is the issue my mind defaults to.

I know this sounds like such a privileged problem, but how do I get over it? This one bad dating experience with a man is causing me so much distress, and I don’t know where to even start unpacking this. Is it about dating a man? Is it about my childhood trauma? Is it just because I am so unused to rejection that now I sound like an asshole? Please advise.

— First Time Ghosted

I’ve been married for almost 30 years; my husband has never really wanted sex. He recently hurt himself and as a result, we haven’t had sex since August. He was released for all activities last week after recovering from surgery, yet he still hasn’t attempted to be intimate in any way. I’m tired of feeling like something is deeply wrong with me—being rejected so frequently for so many years has done a number on my self-esteem. Should we try an open marriage, or do I leave him? I don’t know what to do at this point. He said “ok” when I brought up the idea of an open marriage. He claims he just wants me to be happy. I feel like he does love me and I love him, but I can’t keep doing it, or not “doing it” so to speak. I feel like that part of me is dying and it makes me sad.

— Wanting to Be Wanted

I (she/her) have been best friends with “Mary” since we were 19—about nine years total. We met in college, where initially I thought she didn’t like me! This is probably because she has a contrarian personality—often critical of media, jokes, phrases, public figures, and cultural artifacts other people love—and won’t mince words when expressing that she dislikes something in the presence of those people. She’s had this sort of taste since she was, like, 12. This has led some mutuals to voice that they find her standoffish or too cool.

Mary IS cool, and also generous, intentionally kind, and the most excellent listener I’ve ever met, once she is out of her shell. She has taught me a lot about what it means to be a good friend. She has shown up for me every time I needed her to. Her tastes have influenced mine massively, and she likes my art genuinely. I’ve grown to see her sharpness, her ability to see where other people end and she begins, as some of her best qualities. In fact, it’s inspired me to limit some of my own people-pleasing tendencies.

But here’s the thing: I’ve lived long enough to realize that one’s best qualities are also at least sometimes one’s most challenging qualities. Lately, I’ve been feeling a little tired of Mary undermining things I like—whether it’s a pair of funky shoes or a new indie film or an opinion about implementing our (shared) socialist politics. Sometimes she’ll contradict me about something mundane while with a group of friends, and I recoil into myself. I’ll wonder if I’m taking it (and myself) too seriously or if she’s being a little socially ungraceful. Sometimes she contradicts me privately, and I’ll wonder—if we aren’t totally at odds, why can’t you just “yes, and” me? Is that too much to expect?

I try to notice whether she’s doing this equally to everyone, but it’s hard to tell. It comes off stubborn, unwilling to consider that I might have a point. It creates an inhospitable environment for any type of conversation besides a debate, which I rarely want. Or a “well, agree to disagree,” which sounds formalistic and a little passive-aggressive. And I worry that if I do suddenly begin to go to bat for my opinions and tastes without explaining anything, it’ll throw her and others off.

Either way, do you have any advice for whether and how to approach her about this? I’m struggling, because I don’t think her outspokenness and well-developed critique are always a bad thing!

— I Have Taste Too

I’ve had extreme friendship problems in the past, being a person who has trouble being empathetic. Luckily, I’ve managed to overcome those issues and ended up with a wonderful BFF. Recently, though, I’ve gained another friend who is very kind and has similar interests … except they won’t leave me alone! They’re consistently following me around, and because they’re not very popular, my other friends have stopped hanging out with me. I also like to complain offhandedly about my friends (I don’t really mean it half the time, and I never say anything actually insulting), but my new friend now thinks that all my other friends, including my BFF, are terrible and I should stop being friends with them! On top of all this, people have been approaching me asking about a RELATIONSHIP between me and my new friend or saying that it’s obvious that they like me. Besides having no romantic feelings for my friend, I am a lesbian who is only attracted to girls, and my new friend is nonbinary, but I don’t know how to approach this topic without sounding homophobic. What do I do!?

— Not Ready to Be Tied Down