I’ve had extreme friendship problems in the past, being a person who has trouble being empathetic. Luckily, I’ve managed to overcome those issues and ended up with a wonderful BFF. Recently, though, I’ve gained another friend who is very kind and has similar interests … except they won’t leave me alone! They’re consistently following me around, and because they’re not very popular, my other friends have stopped hanging out with me. I also like to complain offhandedly about my friends (I don’t really mean it half the time, and I never say anything actually insulting), but my new friend now thinks that all my other friends, including my BFF, are terrible and I should stop being friends with them! On top of all this, people have been approaching me asking about a RELATIONSHIP between me and my new friend or saying that it’s obvious that they like me. Besides having no romantic feelings for my friend, I am a lesbian who is only attracted to girls, and my new friend is nonbinary, but I don’t know how to approach this topic without sounding homophobic. What do I do!?

— Not Ready to Be Tied Down

My father died after a long, tortuous illness in March 2020 just as COVID happened. I had frankly been holding on until he was gone to release that pent up grief and pain via the “normal” rituals of funeral and burial. But we couldn’t have those, and for reasons that are inexplicable to me, my mom and siblings chose a two-sentence obituary when that was all we had to honor him publicly.

I need to mourn, I need the ritual. But I don’t know how to do it so far past his death. I can’t be the only reader of yours dealing with this issue—how did they honor their loved ones? How did they create a space for healing?

— Grief Is a Fanny Pack

A week ago, I went to a restaurant I used to work at. It’s not a particularly expensive restaurant, but it’s slightly more expensive than average where I live. It’s honestly the kind of place that any server trying to make good money would use as a stepping stone to a nicer restaurant. That being said, there were a few servers I worked with 15 years ago that were really good at their job. I went there about 10 years ago and was surprised that they hadn’t tried to find another job. This came up in conversation and one of them mentioned being comfortable and still making decent money. That’s fair enough, I get that not everybody has the energy to get used to another job. So when I went there this weekend, “Amanda” was still working there.

She didn’t end up being my server. I was a little surprised that she didn’t stop by to chat as she had in the past. We ended up staying there until close and as we were walking out, I noticed Amanda was too. I, along with the friends I went out with that night, all have jobs in public health. We were talking about the pandemic like we often do when Amanda made some comments about my online post. I live in a place that was very polarized concerning mask wearing and I posted a lot online about science. I often also dispelled conspiracy theories. I didn’t know Amanda’s last name but apparently, I got into an argument with her online. She started talking about more conspiracy theories as my friends and I tried to walk away. I gave her some information dispelling the myths but she kept just listing off other conspiracies.

I finally got fed up and said, “I’ve told you all of the legitimate information about the pandemic. Your opinions are nothing but conspiracy theories. If you actually want to be able to critically analyze public health data, then you should get a Ph.D. Until then, you should stick to being a waitress.” That clearly made her angry and she stormed off. I should note that Amanda was probably one of the smarter servers at the restaurant, but she fell for popular “health” (i.e. weight loss) books. At one point, I literally had a class demonstrating the shakiness of the data used in these books. She probably would have done well in college and with whatever career she chose, but she only has a high school degree. So, as we walked back to my car, half of my friends cheered me on and half of them told me I belittled her. I know how hard being a server is, but getting my Ph.D. was 10 times harder than that and I worked my butt off to get it. I’m done apologizing to people for being smart, but a part of me wonders if I was too rude to someone in a pretty thankless job, especially after the pandemic. Do you think I was wrong?

—Server Faux Pas

My husband and I are in our late 30s, parents of a toddler, and debating whether to try for a second. I would regret not doing so. He thinks he would too, but has really struggled with how little time he has had for himself post-kid and is a little reluctant to set the clock back on regaining his personal life.

An acquaintance recently ended a pregnancy due to a chromosomal abnormality. Shared friends have all said this is heart-wrenching but they would do the same. I realized I legitimately don’t know what I would do. I don’t want a child with that level of special needs. I definitely don’t feel like I could take that on. I would want to end a pregnancy like that—but I don’t know that I would actually be able to do it.

Ethically, do I need to tell my husband this? I don’t want to make him less likely to want to try for a second kid, it sounds like our odds of a chromosomally normal pregnancy are still well over 98 percent, and my husband really, really hates when I bring up “doom and gloom” topics that are unlikely to occur and often refuses to discuss them. I don’t think my husband would assume I’d act one way or the other in that situation, for what it’s worth, but it occurs to me that I would have the choice and he would just have to live with it. Do I need to tell him I don’t know what I would do?

—Just Trying to Do the Right Thing

My guilt is tearing me up. My sister had several sexual encounters with the husband of one of our oldest friends. While she was in chemo. My sister would volunteer to drive her to treatments and then return back to the house and have some “afternoon delight.” I caught them in the act. My friend had asked me to clean the house for her and I switched my days off. I saw them and ran out of the house. Both of them left several terrified voicemails on my phone. I never deleted them.

My sister convinced me that the affair was just “stress relief” and did I really want to burden our dying friend with this? I bit my tongue. There was a very grim potential future, but she pulled through. And is talking about having a baby with her husband. My sister is joking about being an auntie. And she is very affectionate with the husband. All the time. I wouldn’t think twice if I didn’t see what I did. My sister is very touchy feely by nature. And we all grew up together.

Someone I love is going to get destroyed here. I would want to know if it was me, but I am not married nor have ever cheated or been involved with the “extended” family. Our grandparents went to grade school together. I see them all, at every family function. Help!

—Secret Keeper

My ex and I divorced when my daughter “Kira” was 5. I remarried when she was 11. My new wife and I have a 4-year-old, a toddler, and a newborn. It is a struggle to keep everything fair and balanced, but I try my best to do right by all my children. The problem is Kira keeps running hot and cold with me.

My ex and I share equal custody, but we let Kira decide where she wants to stay most of the time as we live only a few blocks away from each other. Kira keeps fighting with her mom and comes over here, only to fight with her stepmom and me. Sometimes she is good with her siblings and the next she acts like she is Cinderella (we never ask Kira to babysit but we do occasionally ask her to entertain the older two kids while we make dinner). When upset, Kira will hurl the most hurtful statements possible, saying how much she hates her half-siblings and calling them the shiny new replacement children. She has done this in front of our 4-year-old. Kira always says she doesn’t mean it afterward.

My wife, my ex, and I have sat down with Kira and explained how much we love her but she can’t keep acting this way and trying to play her mom and me off each other. Kira accused us of ganging up on her and refused to go to counseling. My ex says that Kira will be off to college in two years so we shouldn’t press her. My wife is exhausted and tells me I need to deal with Kira. I love my daughter but short of marching her to therapy, I don’t know what to do.

—Doubtful Dad

Three years ago my daughter was born a micro preemie at 25 weeks after I was in a car accident. She ended up in the neonatal intensive care unit three hours from our house for 14 weeks before coming home strong and healthy. Because my mother lives only 20 minutes from the NICU, I basically lived at her house during that time, with my husband coming for weekends and returning home for work during the week after the first two weeks. My mother can be completely oblivious to other people’s emotions and it really came out when I was at her house.

She would make comments about how I shouldn’t be tired since I didn’t have a baby to take care of (I was pumping every three hours around the clock, plus I would argue emotional exhaustion is worse than physical exhaustion) and how nice it must be for my husband and me to go out to dinner without having to get a babysitter like other parents would have to. She seemed inconvenienced by driving me to and from the hospital, despite volunteering for it and telling me not to worry about getting my car to her house once I could drive. If there had been another realistic option outside of a pricey hotel, I would’ve taken it, but there wasn’t. My husband and I would sometimes get a hotel on weekends for a break and we did end up getting my car there so I wasn’t so dependent on her. But those 14 weeks really did irreparable damage to our relationship, from my side at least. I’ve always been pretty independent and self-sufficient, even as a kid. This was the first time I really just needed to be taken care of. I thought since she was my mother she’d be able to understand how hard that time was and help me, but even when I would try to talk to her about it, she would just completely disregard how I felt and what I needed.

The last time she visited she asked if I’d done a baby book for my daughter and I said no but I did a memory box that I threw everything in and decorated the outside of because I knew I wouldn’t have the time or energy to keep up a book. She made a comment about how other mothers find time to and don’t have three and a half months at home without the baby after they’re born as I did. I told her that since she was there, she should realize that I wasn’t home and it also wasn’t the relaxing vacation time she seems to remember it as and she needs to stop making comments about that time because they were extremely hurtful then and still are now (this is not the first time she’s said something like that since the recovery time). She left hours earlier than she had planned and I’ve heard from my sister since then that she said I was rude to her and she isn’t going to be speaking to me or coming to the house for a while. Do I try to contact her and have a conversation about the hurtful things that have occurred between us to be able to move forward or just accept she won’t ever see my side of things?

—Tired of Hurt

Recently, Anna, a good friend whom I met through our daughters’ school, texted me screenshots of a conversation between her and Bridget and Rita, two other good friends. Bridget and Rita spoke very graphically about what they’d like to do to Quinn and said some really unkind things about me. She said she thought I should know what was being said behind my back. I was shocked and haven’t replied to her.

I’m really sad that my friendship with Bridget and Rita wasn’t genuine. Our daughters are friends, and we facilitate Skype play dates each week, so I’m not sure what to say to them or whether our kids should play together anymore. I’m also angry about how they talked about Quinn like a slab of meat. And a small part of me that I hate most of all feels shame about the things Bridget and Rita said about me, which is what’s kept me from showing Quinn the messages. I like myself a lot, and it feels so stupid that I’ve let two mean girls affect that and make me feel embarrassed to confide in my husband. This has shaken me, and I want to start moving forward. What should I do?

​I’ve known my long-distance boyfriend for 10 years. Everything is amazing except that he will freely use the “F” slur. I’m a bisexual, 23 female, and I came out as gender fluid this year—news that he rejected. He’s apologized to me in the past and explained it’s just the way he was raised, and that he doesn’t know any better. He knows how I feel about the slur—and yet he continues to use it! Recently, on the phone, he asked why I never compliment his dick pics, asked if I’m a lesbian, and called me a “fuckin’ f-word.” Honestly, I had no response to that and just hung up. How do I convey to him how much this upsets me?

—Maybe I’m Gay, Who Knows?

I’m struggling with a work situation and hoping for your objective perspective and direction. My teammates keep in touch throughout the workday using an instant message app, and there’s several chats on the go. More often than I like, though, it seems the chats veer off into more personal conversations that can be inappropriate. I can’t talk about this with my manager as they are a main part of the problem. They and a few of my colleagues will often share updates and photos about their personal life. I am not really comfortable with this. The fine line between work and personal life is being erased. This leads me to my main point and why I’m reaching out for advice.

Oftentimes, my manager shockingly sends selfies posing in their gym clothes. I’m quite taken aback that this person thinks it’s okay to share these pictures. In my opinion, this is simply inappropriate to do in a workplace with your staff. I don’t know how my colleagues feel as I am reluctant to discuss it with them. I have noticed a couple of them will respond with oohs and aahs which in turn probably promotes the behavior. I am kind of disgusted, and I don’t respond to these posts and just try to ignore them and pray the topic gets changed. Am I being too sensitive? Should I just let it go and ignore it as I have been, or do you recommend reaching out to HR or our director? I don’t want to get my manager fired, but I feel strongly that this behavior is unacceptable and some rules should be applied.

— Disgusted at Work

Incredibly low stakes question here! My roommate and I watch a lot of TV together, but there are inevitably some shows we watch on our own. When I’m watching a show I know they’re not interested in and they come into the shared living room, I turn it off and find something else. When they’re watching a show they know I’m not interested in and I come into the shared living room, they keep their show on, usually until the end of the episode. What is the etiquette here? Is one of us more right than the other?

— Who Are these Characters?

There was this girl, Alex, at school that I am friends with, and I developed a crush on her a while ago. We were on the same bus and live two blocks apart, and about the time she graduated, I caught feelings for her. But ever since then, she’s been really distant, despite the closeness. The problem is that she is moving away soon for university, and I’m not sure what to do. I would like to get this off of my chest, but I’m scared it will drive us even further apart. Sometimes we catch up, and I have never felt a connection like that with anybody. We have a shared group of friends and sometimes we hang out; she is really nice in person, but it is extremely difficult to get to do anything with her alone. Do you reckon I should confess before she leaves or should I leave it at that?

— Close Is Far

My fiancé and I broke up a month ago after four years together because he changed his mind about having kids in the near future and wanted to be polyamorous with me and his new crush. I really do not want to be poly, and having kids in a few years (I’m 28 now, he is 30) is really important to me. But I feel regret and wonder if I should get back together with him and if this is just a big struggle we have to overcome. He is dating his crush already, and she is poly. Since he met her, he is convinced that being poly is the thing that will make him happy. Should I try to fight for us? I’ve been trying to change his mind for a month. Our relationship was great on so many levels. We considered each other soulmates, and he told me I’m the love of his life when he proposed to me in Paris one and a half years ago. Or should I try to move on? If yes, how?

— Polyamory Stole My Fiancé

My husband and I have a toddler together. He has a 14-year-old daughter, “Emma,” from his first marriage. I have tried every hard to bond with Emma, but her mother has made it impossible. She thinks Emma should not be around someone like me (I am a different ethnicity than my husband). We have tried counseling and it didn’t work. Emma feels like she has to be loyal to her mother above all else and my husband was desperate to just keep Emma in his life—so I stepped back. When Emma is over, I basically become a single parent. My husband devotes all his time and energy to Emma. It seems to work since Emma has calmed down and stopped acting out like she used to, but it is lonely. My toddler and I don’t even eat with my husband and Emma. My toddler has started to notice that Daddy goes away when Emma is over. I desperately do want Emma and my child to have some kind of positive relationship in the future, but I feel like we are setting up a faulty foundation. My mom tells me that I worry too much and Emma will be in college before my child even has any real memories of these times. Emma will get better once she is grown and out of her mother’s direct control. I just need to be patient. I love my husband, but he tells me pushing the situation will only backfire on our family. I need some outside advice, please.

I am a stay-at-home mom to a toddler, and I am currently pregnant. My neighbor pays me a few hundred a week to take care of their baby. I am currently exhausted and stressed out over the situation, all because of my sister.

She has three elementary-aged children and depends on me to pick them up from school. The deal was I would do this if my sister would come over on the weekends the kids are with their dad and deep-clean my house. My sister has done this twice since she met her new boyfriend, and the last time was half-assed at best. I can’t handle six children every day, on top of my the new baby on the way.

I have repeatedly told my sister she needs to honor the deal or find other child care. She makes promises and does not follow through. The last time, I told her I wouldn’t be picking up the kids, and she would have to deal with the consequences. I stuck to my word and let the school call my sister and her ex for the pick-up. It screwed up their work schedule, and they had to pay a fine three times. My sister was furious with me and dragged our mother into the argument. My mother thinks I am being too hard on my sister and since their kids are easy, I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I need some back up here. What should I do?

— Too Much

My family and my husband’s have very different gift-giving preferences/expectations, so we agreed from the start of our relationship that we would each take care of the gifts for our own families as needed and appropriate, marking the gift from both/all of us (now that there’s kids).

Well, my mother-in-law’s birthday was last week. My husband got her a card that he wrote a nice note in and some of her favorite candies and then asked me if I would make a batch of the cupcakes she really likes. I love baking and he gave me plenty of notice and bought all the ingredients for me, so no problem there. He had asked her what she wanted and she told him just spending time together would be perfect. The day before her birthday, we took the kids to their house and hung out for most of the day.

As we left, my FIL pulled me aside and asked if we would be bringing her gift over the next day. I said we’d brought everything with us and wouldn’t be coming over since it was a workday and already chaotic. He asked what we’d gotten her, and I said she told my husband she just wanted to spend the day together and we’d brought the cupcakes, candies, and card. He was upset we hadn’t gotten her a “real gift,” and I said he should talk to my husband about it since he took care of it, and in any case, MIL seemed happy. FIL said getting gifts was my responsibility as the wife/mother of the family and that he would tell my MIL her gift had been delayed in shipping, but I should have something for her the following weekend. I knew my FIL was a bit “old-fashioned” (read: sexist) in his rigidity to gender roles, but this is the first time it’s majorly come out towards me. My husband is not like this at all, and I probably wouldn’t have stayed in a relationship with him if he were.

Should I handle this myself with my FIL or enlist my husband? Normally I’d say his family, his responsibility, but considering its around sexist expectations, I feel like me handling it directly might be most appropriate.

— It’s Not 1952 Anymore