Wedding Etiquette Forum — The Knot Community

NWR: Throwing her own funeral

lovesclimbing — Wed, 24 May 2017 03:44:12 +0000

This was a Dear Abby letter recently. It struck me as, at the least, a bit odd. Also seems to be very AWish. I'm curious what others think of this from an etiquette standpoint and otherwise. It is throwing a party in your own honor.

DEAR ABBY: Visitations after a death provide an opportunity for friends and family to see people they may not have seen in a long time. (Except for the immediate family, everyone has a good time!) I have decided that I don't want to miss mine, so I have decided to have it on my 75th birthday. There will be food, drink and photos on the big-screen TV.

My question is, what should I call it? A "celebration of my life" seems presumptuous, but I can't think of anything better. I plan to repeat this event every five years until I'm dead, in a coma, or run out of money for the caterer. Any ideas? -- STUCK FOR A LABEL

Is it Rude? Most etiquette questions answered in one place.

DrillSergeantCat — Tue, 23 May 2017 14:59:20 +0000

If a fashion website gets it, you can too. http://www.fashionbeans.com/content/overrated-wedding-trends-that-need-to-be-retired?rtg=hinesward-6UpttP¶m4=fsb-fni-fbss-1664-us-mo¶m5=10154383472586186¶m6=23842601926180562

Cant have welcome bag to destination wedding...ideas?

Knottie1446494546 — Fri, 26 May 2017 14:40:35 +0000

I want to give my guests a nice bag of something they can take home with them. We can't have welcome bags because each family is coming at a different time and location to the wedding...If we delivered them upon arrival of each family we would probably be working a full week before. So at the wedding reception, we want to have nice bags they can pick up as they leave. In addition, many families are flying and don't have room to take back a lot of things with them.

I was thinking:
Nice, handwritten note
Gift card (something general, like a credit card one) - we wanted to do car rental gift card but most already have theirs set up
Uber code for any transportation needed after the wedding
Maybe 1 snacks or candy to get through the rest of their time remaining.

Any other ideas?

Needing advice on my father (FOB)

hollyv1632 — Wed, 10 May 2017 09:43:59 +0000

Ok, so my father and I are on again off again in closeness. Whenever he wants to be basically. He's very temperamental and just an angry person. Easily offended. He and his gf have been on again off again and engaged and broken up yada yada. My church only has 6 seats to a row. So I want to seat the gf in the second row so that my parents, step dad, and grandmas can sit in front row. I don't feel that the gf should replace one of my grandma's places. Any advice?

Inviting children on fiance's side but not mine?

kelleyandjoshkraft — Fri, 19 May 2017 16:03:12 +0000

I have watched the posts for a while, but this is first time asking a question myself. Apologies in advance for its length.

Situation:
Our wedding is Jan 2018. Both our families are large and close-knit. We agreed that in order to share this experience with all our loved ones, we will more than likely be having what you would classify as a "big wedding" (200-250ish). That being said, we still have a budget and appropriate size limit on our venue that we have to consider.

At first we thought about having a "no children" wedding. We were defining children as anyone under the age of 18.

After some discussions with my future mother-in-law and fiance we agreed that my fiance's nieces and nephews will be in the wedding and therefore invited to the reception. Also his 1st cousins (same ages as his nieces and nephews), whom all call him uncle, will also be invited. (his aunt and uncle had children later in life so its not a traditional cousin-cousin relationship). That gives us a total of 10 kids on his side (ages 14-4).

I have no nieces and nephews on my side of the family. I'm the "baby" of the 1st cousins, therefore the next set of kids are actually my 2nd cousins. Although I love them and enjoy seeing them at family events, I do not have the same type of relationship with my cousins' children as my fiance has with his cousins. There are a total of 6 kids on my side (all under the age of 7).

None of our friends' children will be invited.

We want to make a clear "rule" to be fair to everyone. I preface this next statement that I do not mean to sound harsh, however I'm also concerned about the number of kids (16 or 2 tables-worth ) that will make up our total number and essentially "shift" some of our close friends and other family from the guest list. We're past the point of going back to the "no kids rule".

Question: Is it appropriate to have the children on my fiance's side of the family invited (nieces, nephews and first cousins), but not my side (2nd cousins)? Should I just deal with it and focus on other important matters?

I understand this is a touchy subject for a lot of people. Thank you in advanced for your advice.

Asking guests to wear bright colours?

[Deleted User] — Mon, 22 May 2017 11:01:30 +0000

My FI wants to add to the bottom of the wedding invite:

'Dress code: Please wear whatever feels comfortable, but in order to celebrate our multicultural wedding, wearing bright colours is encouraged!'

Rude or not?

I have a weird etiquette issue that popped up a few days before my wedding!!

Knottie1471199308 — Wed, 17 May 2017 01:56:38 +0000

Some basic info on the wedding. This Saturday May 20th. We are keeping it small. Immediate family only. My fiance and I are paying for everything-no help from either family.
The fiance's family is spread out throughout the state, and the venue we are having the wedding/reception at is about the same distance for his mom and his dad (they are divorced). They are both coming about 4 hours away and are staying for a few days. For my family, it is about 1.5 hours away. My parents RSVP'd several months ago saying they were coming. I offered to let them use my car since their vehicle has been having some issues lately. I was even going to pay for gas. No issues there so far.
Fast forward to tonight. My mom informs me that my dad will be staying for the ceremony to "do his duty" of giving me away, and then he is leaving before the reception. Not only is he leaving early, he is taking their vehicle back by himself, leaving my mom, my brother, and his girlfriend to have to fend for themselves for a ride back home.
I have been a stressed out wreck lately because of wedding planning stuff, and hearing this I started bawling. I am very, very upset. I am grateful that my dad is coming at all, don't get me wrong. But I am still very saddened about his decision to leave early. They already drove up there for the ceremony, why not stay for the food? And to drive off leaving your wife, one of your sons, and his girlfriend without a ride home?
My mom thinks I am over reacting and that I should be grateful he is even going at all (which honestly the fact that he is going still surprises me). I however do not feel like I am over reacting. It feels like he is only showing up to "do his duty" as he calls it. Not out of love and wanting to share this important moment with his oldest daughter.
Has anyone else had something like this happen at their wedding? How did you deal with it? Were you emotional at your wedding because of it? Does it sound like I am over reacting by being upset?

Rude if guests get different apps?

[Deleted User] — Sat, 13 May 2017 12:38:13 +0000

I've decided to cut our guest list massively to save costs to 150 people. The costs seemed to be spirally out of control when you add up things like the wedding stage, decor, ceremony, banns etc.

For the cocktail hours I would like to serve fruit pots with dips, mini red striped bags of popcorn, nuts, chips etc. The fruit pots are the most expensive food.

Would it be rude to have say 110 pots available, but enough of the rest of the food for all the guests to eat or should every option be available to every guest?

If it is rude I would pay for every guest to get a fruit pot.

Abigail Ray

knottied52572f5ab7457f1 — Thu, 18 May 2017 15:19:25 +0000

Dear etiquette people,
My partner and I are getting married this summer after a very short engagement. We decided to push up our plans to get married due to my father's sudden and terminal illness. Because of this illness, we will be traveling out of state to Michigan (where my parents live) to get married.

Here's our problem: we are not religious and don't want to have a pastor or phony website stand-in as the person who marries us. We have a friend in Wisconsin who is a judge and we would love for him to marry us. But after multiple calls to Michigan authorities, they will not allow him to legally marry us in Michigan.

We were thinking about just signing the paperwork and say the necessary vows before the wedding to make it official, and see the wedding in Michigan as the real thing, but now I see a post about how terribly rude "re-dos" are. What should I do?

How to address an invite

Knottief82f9eec4f6705da — Thu, 18 May 2017 21:04:36 +0000

I'm inviting an entire family to a wedding, but they have different last names. So I can't just say The Smiths. The mother is widowed/now remarried, and has changed her name. However, the children have kept their father's name.

Would it be best to do something like this?

John and Jane Smith (Parents)
Anne and Alex Roberts (Children)
Address

Also if the "kids" are over 18 (but still live with their parents) should they get separate invites?

Thank you!!

Bridesmaid's Boyfriend

Knottie7c0cb5dce61dfc57 — Thu, 18 May 2017 02:15:52 +0000

I am very conflicted right now on whether to invite one of my best friends' and bridesmaids boyfriend to our wedding. I believe he is emotionally if not physically abusive but they've been together almost 2 years and I live in a different state. I don't want to ignore her relationship but I feel really uncomfortable around him. I've met him three times and each time he has had extremely loud temper tantrums in public places, yelling insults at her and other people around him and causing a scene. I have heard him call her "garbage" and a "slut" and verbally abuse her. I actually asked him to leave my house when they came to visit because he was screaming at her so abusively. At that point she told me they were breaking up but they later got back together. A month later she told one of our friends that he had shoved her so hard she fell down and then he slammed a door in her face. Somehow she is still with him and continues to defend their relationship even after all her friends and family have expressed concern.

I know it is normally unacceptable in all circumstances to not invite a bridesmaids SO but I feel like this situation is different. He is prone to emotional, drunk and abusive outburst and I feel uncomfortable being around him. What about the option of having him skip the more intimate parts like the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony but inviting him to join us at the reception (cocktail style so he can't cause as much of a scene)? That way I would acknowledge their relationship without risking as much?

I'm extremely stressed about this and worried about my friend. Any advice helps.

How far is too far?

[Deleted User] — Tue, 16 May 2017 01:06:47 +0000

I've fallen in love with a venue that is perfect for our budget, but I'm concerned it is too far. The venue is 1 hour and 22 minutes from where 90% of where our guests live and i have been told that we can count on a lot of people not showing. Even though there are hotels near by and we would provide a shuttle for over night guests. The ceremony and Reception would both be on the same grounds! Is it unreasonable to ask our guests to drive an hour and 22 minutes or stay the night? Thank you!

Block Hotel Rooms

corabee — Wed, 10 May 2017 13:07:46 +0000

Just wondering if it would be bad etiquette to not block out rooms at the local hotel. The only reason I am considering not is almost all of our quests live close by and the hotel in town is not a busy hotel. Part of me feels it is unnecessary but part of me isn't sure if it would be in bad etiquette. I have only been to one wedding that blocked out rooms. So I'm in between.

Deleted

knottiec0682119e9ebc652 — Mon, 08 May 2017 16:42:10 +0000

*deleted

Paying for a Bridal Shower Discussion

megtownxx — Mon, 15 May 2017 21:00:49 +0000

So I was at a bridal shower this weekend, and a few of us were just chatting about showers in general. One girl was saying how she's a BM in an upcoming wedding (there's 10 BMs BTW...) and a family member emailed them all asking for $500 EACH. AND THE BRIDE WAS CC'ED.

When I heard this I knew I had to post it on this board. Have any of you heard of this before?

Need to vent!

OurWildKingdom — Thu, 11 May 2017 21:03:19 +0000

A big white wedding is NOT a fundamental human right, people!

I have a big family, and my FW and I share a lot of friends. I wanted a big wedding, not fancy, but something with all the people we love there.

But. My FI has social anxiety and gets overwhelmed in crowds. Also, the big wedding just wasn't in our budget. My parents generously offered to pay for the wedding reception, but that shouldn't be a concern for them.

We scaled back our plans and are now having a simple wedding for 20 people in our house, then going to a restaurant after. I'm looking forward to it, because at the end of the day, I'll be married to the woman I love.

Sure, I'd love to have 180 people dancing it out and enjoying a big spread of food. But I'm an adult who respects my loved ones, not a selfish monster who insists on my way all the time. (ETA: Well, I try to be an adult, anyway.)

If you're looking for someone to co-sign your plans for a PPD or anything equally rude, you most likely won't find it here. If you want genuine etiquette advice, stay here and keep an open mind.

P.S. Before you call anyone rude, take a good hard look in the mirror.

Rude Bride?

Knottie1d669498696b9bd5 — Fri, 12 May 2017 12:53:39 +0000

So my best friend of 7 years asked me to be her maid of honor (and I was overjoyed, of course!). She had asked her twin sister earlier, but she had said that she really didn't want to be in the wedding party, so I was asked instead.

Cut to six months later, I'm hanging out with the bride and her sister invites herself over. The bride and myself chat a little about wedding planning stuff (it was a 2+ year engagement) and move on to other topics. After I leave, her sister throws a fit about how I'm her maid of honor. Long story short, sister gets her way and the bride asks if her sister can be her maid of honor too. After seven years of being friends, I already know that she said yes to her sister and is asking my opinion after the fact so it really doesn't matter. At the time the bride said that she didn't really care about he labels of MOH/bridesmaid, and made it sound like we would both be joint MOHs.

Months later, I mention something about being her maid of honor and she says, "You're not my maid of honor, (sister's name) is." Was I right to be upset about this? Seven years of supposedly being best friends and her sister throws a fit to get her way after she already declined?

EDIT: What does the label "wedding" mean to you?

mrsjapan — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 05:15:23 +0000

Labels are confusing but important to understand. When it comes to the word "wedding", what does it mean to you? (EDIT: Original name was click-baity and confusing, so this is to clarify) (For the third option, I am aware that a religion cannot "legally" recognize marriage, but instead more so along the lines of your god(s) recognizing your marriage)

What time should an early bus leave the reception?

megtownxx — Wed, 03 May 2017 15:32:57 +0000

hi all,
if you were to leave the reception early, what time/at what point would you be looking to leave? We're having bus service for our guests with 2 time options (one obviously is at 11:30 when the reception is over). The other my planner has listed for 9pm. Does this seem early? Late? The early pick-up will most likely be intended for families with little kiddos and grandparents.

Ceremony starts at 5:30, cocktail hour at 6, reception starts at 7. Doing toasts, dinner, dancing and dessert - no cake cutting, garter/bouquet throwing, etc. Reception ends at 11:30.

grateful for your thoughts!

Inviting strangers to the wedding

Knottie1463830101 — Thu, 11 May 2017 15:33:36 +0000

Good Morning Knotties,

My FI and I have been planning our wedding for a little over 1.5 years now, everything is finalized as we are getting married in less than 28 days. My problem is this, my sister asked me why I am not inviting my mother to the wedding. My reasoning: My mother and father divorced when I was 3 years old, from what I remember she made a couple of attempts the year following to see me, and then when MIA until I was 17, when she decided to reach out and see me. This lasted one visit, and then I didn't hear anything again until I was 22, I tried to build a relationship with her, but every time I would make the 2 hour trip to drive to her, she would always end up just putting my father down. After about 4 times of this I had enough. We stayed in contact for maybe less then a year via social media, and she hasn't tried to reach out to me except for the end of last year, sending me a shaming message because her sister (who I met once, and have no connection with) passed away and "I didn't consider her feelings and reach out to her." I feel as though she is a stranger to me, and not very comfortable inviting her to the wedding. The part that hurts me the most, is I have an older sister that is both my parents daughter. After much debate, I wanted to invite her and her husband and two kids to our wedding, but then decided not too because I doubt she would come if I didn't invite my mother. (She has lived with my mother since my parents divorced.) I am reaching out now, for advice to see if I am justified in my actions, or if I should reconsider.

Thank you in advance.

Bridal Shower Etiquette

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 — Mon, 08 May 2017 17:01:54 +0000

Hey all!

I have a HUGE family! So my fiancée and I are kind of splitting our wedding up. We are having a small 100 person wedding in March 2018 where I am just inviting my aunts & uncles. Then plan on having an "I Do BBQ" in the summer of 2018 for my cousins. Question is: would it be rude of me to invite my cousins to my bridal shower, even though they will not be getting invitations to the formal wedding? Any and all advice is welcome, especially if you have experienced something similar. Thank you!

Room block release/invite timing

Knottie223f4d9cc5f84a71 — Tue, 09 May 2017 16:44:07 +0000

Hi Everyone,

I'm a long time lurker but first time poster... My fiance and I are getting married in Northern CA this October (10/7). Everyone but one family (including us) is flying in for the wedding. October is high season for wine country so we quickly secured hotel blocks at three different hotels and sent out our save the dates a few months ago with our wedding website on the back that has info on accommodations. My concern is that we have to start releasing our rooms fairly soon. One hotel has a cut off of 6/6 and the other two are 8/6. We planned on sending our invites out 8 weeks in advance so no one feels B listed but at that point, we won't have any rooms held. Two of the hotels we have blocks at are already completely booked outside of the rooms we have and I know the other isn't far behind. We have talked extensively to our family/friends about booking early, and I don't want to nag them, but I'm not sure the best way to proceed with our invite timing. I'd hate for someone to get our invite, want to come, and then not have anywhere to stay... Also, our wedding website was on the back of our save the date and I have heard from several family members that the didn't ever flip the STD over to see it... Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Help with decorations based on wedding dress

[Deleted User] — Mon, 08 May 2017 02:45:07 +0000

I am so terrible in picking decorations and making things work together. Everyone keeps asking what's my theme and I have no idea. I just want things to look good with my dress and bridesmaid dresses. Any ideas on what "theme" these dresses could work under? I know it's a silly question I think it would just help me with looking for Pinterest decorations? Our venue is http://www.landmarkweddingsaz.com/. Sorry if this is a weird question but any help is greatly appreciated!

Thank you note question

Knottiecf6fbf8363a9363e — Thu, 04 May 2017 04:53:06 +0000

This is kind of a dumb question and I feel like I should know the answer but... I don't.

My old boss gave me a very generous check for our wedding when I visited her today, with the check dated for this August. Should I send her a thank you note now or should I wait until I deposit it in August? Do I write two notes like one for now to thank her (I did thank her in person but I didn't know what was in the envelope so I feel like that doesn't count at all lol) and then after I deposit too?

Please help! Thank you ❤️

Toddler Flower Girl and Ringer Bearer Proposal Gifts?

knottiec0184f9d534d07cd — Sat, 06 May 2017 04:02:08 +0000

I am planning on asking my niece (who is 1.5 years old) and my fiance's niece & nephew twins (who are just over 2 years old) to be our flower girls and ring bearer. I would like a cute proposal gift idea - I found an adorable necklace I loved but think the girls are too young for that probably. Any thoughts?

Tipping Advice Wanted

k&n62517 — Fri, 05 May 2017 17:24:12 +0000

I want to be prepared to tip my vendors but I have seen many different suggestions and guidelines for tipping. I want to see what you all think.

What is the best way to tip? Percentage of total cost? What percent for what services? Is it better to tip within a range instead of a percentage? I have seen both ways suggested for different services.

And when is the appropriate time to give the tip? Will they all be expecting tips on that day or should I wait to tip later when I have evaluated the service (I promise I plan to tip even for vendors I wasn't 100% satisfied or overjoyed about, but it's a matter of giving the bare minimum versus giving an extra bump)?

Here are the vendors I have:
-Caterer (they built gratuity into the total cost -- do I still need to give an additional tip? I feel like that's a silly question, but I'd rather ask and look dumb than not tip when I should)
-Bartender
-Photographer
-Hairstylist
-Makeup artist
-Officiant

Thank you for your help! Our wedding is about 50 days away and I'm so glad I've had access to these boards to help along the way.

Onsite hair & makeup travel fee. Do I also tip?

Knottie1474413616 — Thu, 04 May 2017 20:52:13 +0000

My hair stylist charges a $200 travel fee on top of services and the hair stylist charges $150 travel fee on top her services.
Do I tip on top of these fees?

Deleted

jennjamin-2 — Mon, 01 May 2017 01:35:31 +0000

Deleted

Help us decide on a post-wedding party!

knottieb7d15efea82ba0fb — Thu, 27 Apr 2017 14:15:57 +0000

I know from reading the forums that really-post-wedding receptions are typically frowned upon. And I get it. They’re awful, they feel gift grabby, and the ones I’ve been to never have an open bar. (<- Priorities) So just have an open mind, please

My fiancé (I love saying that!) and I are having a really small wedding. By really small I mean that in attendance will be our parents and our 4 year old. 5 guests total. We are getting married at our favorite semi-local resort and then will be treating our group to dinner at the resort’s restaurant afterwards.

I found a cute white sundress at Walmart (Don’t judge me it was $5 and it’s lacy) and I might wear my favorite silver cardigan since we’re right by the lake, he’s wearing slacks and a button up shirt. He’s wearing boat shoes I’m wearing blue Keds. No flowers, no music, no unity sand. There will be no bridal party. And since there will not be guests, I’m not having a bridal shower. Our “bachelor/bachelorette party” is a week before; our friends are taking us out for dinner and drinks. No tigers in the hotel room or phallic jewelry.

Now, we are totally happy with this arrangement. Neither of us are spotlight people and we really just enjoy each other’s company and the company of our families.

Our families don’t seem to understand why or how we are so content with this plan and really want a big party to celebrate our marriage, because that’s what they had. They are coming to terms with the wedding being small, but still want that party. We have the money, so we’re going to appease our parents and just do something. I would like more of a “hang out with the newlyweds for a little while” type party instead of a formal reception that takes up our guest’s whole day and whole night. No traditions, no dances, especially no cake (we hate cake). This party would happen about a week to a month after we actually got married, depending on whether or not we jet off for a honeymoon right away. Here are the options that we came up with to try and make everyone happy, tell me what you think? We’re footing the bill, so moms’ opinions don’t carry all that much weight. We just want something that our guests will enjoy.

1. Renting a suite at a major league baseball game. 200 people, ballpark catering, dessert bar, limited open bar (beer, wine, basic alcohol). 12:00pm – 5:00pm

2. Having a party at Pinstripes. 200 people, Bowling, Bocce ball, eat-when-you-want-to buffet, dessert bar, full open bar. 5:00pm – 10:00pm

3. Renting out a restaurant and having a cocktail party. 200 people, full open bar, passed hors d’oeuvres, dessert bar. 6:00pm – 9:00pm (our least favorite option, it just seems too formal for us and the invited kids won’t have any fun, but our moms like it.)

Also, we are not registering because we aren’t having a shower, will people still bring gifts to the party? We want to make sure that doesn’t happen, I have enough frying pans and bed sheets to last us a lifetime, but is putting “no gifts” on the invite rude? I don’t want to seem like they would typically be expected.

ETA: The "bach party" is really just a get together with our friends. We really didn't want any kind of blow out party, but our friends were adamant about doing something with us before we get hitched. They all know that we are doing the parents-only ceremony and are so understanding, because they know us. Almost all of our friends are mutual friends, so it just made way more sense to us to combine everything and have a fun low key, but kind of nice dinner all together.

The cost of #1 and #2 are almost identical, and if we add a dinner option to #3 it will also be about the same price. If one was significantly less expensive we wouldn't even have to think twice, because $$$

#1 (along with all of the options) is all inclusive. The price of the suite includes the food, bar, and tickets to the game for all of our guests. I really tried to find options that were simple and didn't require a lot of planning on my part, because I want to have fun, too!!

Also, the shower thing is handled. Mostly because my cousin wanted to host it and I did NOT want to stare down that kind of trainwreck, but it was nice to have the excuse of a no-guest wedding to assist in the decline!

Should I say No?

misstaken1213 — Wed, 26 Apr 2017 19:28:02 +0000

Hi ladies! I think this is my first post on this account - I was a reg YEARS ago on this board before everything changed on here, and of course I thought of you all first with this scenario.

Here we go - H and I got married in a small ceremony with our families in January. We're throwing a party this summer (this is NOT a PPD situation.. we formally announced that we have already gotten married, and we're just throwing a party to celebrate). H and I are paying for the entire thing ourselves.

I was hoping for zero drama - but alas, here we are. H's mom is pretty upset with us because some of our friends are pitching in to help with the party (they volunteered), and she doesn't like said friends very much. She's mad that we haven't asked her for help, despite the fact that we've been clear that we are taking care of everything ourselves. She and H got in to a yelling match on the phone the other day about it.

So anyway, yesterday she texted me and offered $150 to use to buy a cake. The problem is, I've already solved for the cake. First, I don't want cake: I'd rather have cupcakes, it's easier. And one of the friends I mentioned above has already offered to make them for us.

If we were to buy them from the bakery H's mom wants us to use, it would cost more than $150 anyway.

My first instinct is to say "thanks, but no thanks" to H's mom. I asked for his opinion, and he doesn't seem to care. But then again, I get that her only son just got married and she wants to help. I'd rather not piss her off any more than she already is.

Soo.. looking for your input. What's the best way to approach this? Any suggestions?