Post destination wedding - at home celebration

novodca

Hi everyone just hoping for a little advice

My fiancé and I are planning a destination wedding in Jamaica. My family lives on the other side of the country and would have had to travel anyway so we figured destination was a good way to go. Anyway it turns out that many of my finances extended family can't make it ( no surprise to us) and we are fine with that as we only wanted a very small and personal wedding.
However my FMIL wants to host a at home celebration upon our return from Jamaica so that all of her extended family and friends can attend. My fiancé and I originally agreed thinking she was planning a small casual BBQ party type thing. Anyway it seems she is now planning more of a reception and wants to rent a hall, have a meal catered, etc. my fiancé and I both feel this is overboard and unnecessary. But on the other hand he is her only son and she is very excited about him getting married and wants to be able to celebrate with her family and will be footing the bill. I personally don't want this but I feel so bad to tell her no. Any suggestions?

southernbelle0915

Hi everyone just hoping for a little advice My fiancé and I are planning a destination wedding in Jamaica. My family lives on the other side of the country and would have had to travel anyway so we figured destination was a good way to go. Anyway it turns out that many of my finances extended family can't make it ( no surprise to us) and we are fine with that as we only wanted a very small and personal wedding. However my FMIL wants to host a at home celebration upon our return from Jamaica so that all of her extended family and friends can attend. My fiancé and I originally agreed thinking she was planning a small casual BBQ party type thing. Anyway it seems she is now planning more of a reception and wants to rent a hall, have a meal catered, etc. my fiancé and I both feel this is overboard and unnecessary. But on the other hand he is her only son and she is very excited about him getting married and wants to be able to celebrate with her family and will be footing the bill. I personally don't want this but I feel so bad to tell her no. Any suggestions?

I would let her know what you're comfortable with. If she's hell bent on throwing a party that you're not comfortable with, decline her offer to host. My guess is that she'd adjust to doing something a little less over-the-top that you'd be comfortable with. As long as they're not asking you to re-enact your ceremony (big no-no), I think you can accept or decline based on being comfortable with the plans.

Maggie0829

It is her money and if she wants to throw a more lavish party then what you had in mind she can.

If you are uncomfortable with this type of party (which is completely different then just thinking it is unnecessary) then you need to speak with your FI and come to some sort of agreement and then have him go to his mother and talk to her about the party.

In the end though, you really have two options, decline the party completely or put on a smile and go to the party that she is planning.

novodca

I agree with you here, I don't really feel it's my place to say what I want at the party etc etc if she is paying for it. However I really think post destination wedding receptions are in bad taste and I feel that's kind of what she is turning this into...

doeydo

Then you and your FI can sit down with his mother and just tell her that you have changed your minds and are sorry, but you do not want an at home reception or party.

msuprincess04

I don't necessarily think that a party that is catered and at a hall is overly formal, especially if she doesn't want to host a party that big at her own home (it's a lot of work).  But, if she's trying to turn it into a wedding re-do, that's when you run into problems. If she expects you to wear your wedding dress, do another "first" dance, and sit at a head table, then you are right, that's way overboard. Why not just ask her what kind of party she wants to plan? Then you can either say you think it's too much and decline, or maybe you can come to an agreement on party plans. 

delujm0

as long as you're comfirtable with what she plans, let her pay for it.  however, refuse to re-enact vows or wear your wedding dress or stge a cake-cutting/first dance/bouquet throw - that would be tacky.  Talk to her first to make sure you're comfortable with the plans.

novodca

I guess I just feel bad turning her down knowing how important it is to her and how excited she is...

Maybe we just need to get a better idea of exact what kind of party it is she intends to throw

novodca

All good points. Thanks for the advice.

Jen4948

novodca said:

I guess I just feel bad turning her down knowing how important it is to her and how excited she is... Maybe we just need to get a better idea of exact what kind of party it is she intends to throw

This is what it sounds like to me.  If it falls outside the bounds of what you and your FI are okay with, then you need to let her know and he especially needs to put a stop to it.

Maybe, by way of compromise, you can agree to a party that is within your comfortable bounds and let your FMIL handle it, although you'll have to monitor her to make sure she doesn't go outside those bounds.

kgd7357

I have almost the same problem with my family. Our wedding is in DC, where we live, and my parents want to throw something similar in our home town in CT (NYC area), since many people can't make it to DC. I thought it was going to be a backyard thing, and all of a sudden my mom starts emailing me websites of different venues and DJs. I already thought they party was odd, since some people aren't even invited to the DC wedding.

I had to talk her down from whatever was going on in her head. I reminded her that we can't have a second wedding reception for B list guests. I think we are coming to some kind of compromise and doing a honeymoon send off party since we are doing a delayed honeymoon, and leaving the day after the CT party. I'm not sure all the logistics yet, but it's starting to sound more reasonable.

Some suggestions:

1) Make sure she knows that this is not a second reception it's just a party to celebrate the marriage. Make sure the invites are worded as such. This is the only thing you need to be a stickler about.

2) Not much you can do about what she spends.

3) Give her suggestions of what you would prefer. Be nice about it, and be tactful.

4) Show enthusiasm. She's more likely to take your suggestions that way.

5) If things don't turn out as you hoped, smile. It's a party. Have a glass of wine, and it will be better.

novodca

kgd7357 said:

I have almost the same problem with my family. Our wedding is in DC, where we live, and my parents want to throw something similar in our home town in CT (NYC area), since many people can't make it to DC. I thought it was going to be a backyard thing, and all of a sudden my mom starts emailing me websites of different venues and DJs. I already thought they party was odd, since some people aren't even invited to the DC wedding.

I had to talk her down from whatever was going on in her head. I reminded her that we can't have a second wedding reception for B list guests. I think we are coming to some kind of compromise and doing a honeymoon send off party since we are doing a delayed honeymoon, and leaving the day after the CT party. I'm not sure all the logistics yet, but it's starting to sound more reasonable.

Some suggestions:

1) Make sure she knows that this is not a second reception it's just a party to celebrate the marriage. Make sure the invites are worded as such. This is the only thing you need to be a stickler about.

2) Not much you can do about what she spends.

3) Give her suggestions of what you would prefer. Be nice about it, and be tactful.

4) Show enthusiasm. She's more likely to take your suggestions that way.

5) If things don't turn out as you hoped, smile. It's a party. Have a glass of wine, and it will be better.

Thanks for the suggestions. My fiancé says he will have a talk with her about not making it into a second reception. She has relatives from out of town ( about 4 -5 hour drive away) coming for it and to me if people are going out of their way like that then it feels like a reception...

SomethingBeautiful08

Thanks for the suggestions. My fiancé says he will have a talk with her about not making it into a second reception. She has relatives from out of town ( about 4 -5 hour drive away) coming for it and to me if people are going out of their way like that then it feels like a reception...

... not necessarily. It might feel a bit like a family reunion, but not necessarily a wedding reception.  In my family we regularly fly or drive many hours for special events ranging from Holidays to open houses.  As long as it is clear what the event is from the invite to the day of, you are in the clear.

novodca

Do you think "wedding celebration" or "celebration of our marriage" would be a good way to word it?

And should we put it on te same invite as the wedding?

WildMagelet

My vote would be for anything with the word "marriage" and nothing with the word "wedding" in it.

It is a separate event from the wedding and should have its own invitation.

[Deleted User]

Enjoy it, help her plan it so it's something you can both be happy about. It may be easier for her to have this event at a hall w/food provided then having all the family/friends at her own home & trying to do it all herself.

kgd7357

I agree with @flutterbride2b. Leave off wedding. It should be a different invite. If your FMIL still wants it to be on the more formal side, something like this might work.

Mr. and Mrs. FIL Names

invite you to join us in celebration of the recent marriage of

Mr. and Mrs. Your Names

on Date of the Event

at 4 o'clock in the afternoon

Address of the Event

Then either include a reply card or a simple RSVP with a phone number or email in the corner. Simple, classy, and no mistake that this is not a wedding do-over.

If you want to give guests a heads up about the event a little earlier, I would post on the wedding website that a celebration is planned for your FI's home town on X date.

novodca

kgd7357 said:

I agree with @flutterbride2b. Leave off wedding. It should be a different invite. If your FMIL still wants it to be on the more formal side, something like this might work.

Mr. and Mrs. FIL Names

invite you to join us in celebration of the recent marriage of

Mr. and Mrs. Your Names

on Date of the Event

at 4 o'clock in the afternoon

Address of the Event

Then either include a reply card or a simple RSVP with a phone number or email in the corner. Simple, classy, and no mistake that this is not a wedding do-over.

If you want to give guests a heads up about the event a little earlier, I would post on the wedding website that a celebration is planned for your FI's home town on X date.

Thanks so much!!! The way you worded it here is perfect!!