Future hubby doesn't want to invite his family

cnoel1224

Ugh ok so my fiancé has made the decision not to invite his family to our wedding next year. He had a rough childhood with very little support from his family; his dad used to be in the military and thinks his way is the only way as does his mother. My fiancé is a cop and his family always thinks they are above him and never listen to him. They told him either we have a wedding in the state we live in or they will not come- money is not an issue it's just a control thing with them. We are no questions asked having a beach wedding in s.c. They have been nothing but hurtful to him most of his life and it's only getting worse now that he is standing up to them. Thus he is hell bent on them not coming. I'm so close to my family so it's hard for me to accept that his family is simply not invite and I understand his reasonings but I have literally been in tears over this all week. I am supporting him and I also know that they will not be there and every time I bring it up he gets uber pissy which him being a stressed out cop I don't need any more of. Neither one of us need the insane stress his family brings so idk why I'm so upset over this...

Lauderdale Pink

You are upset because a bride's dream is for the world to be covered with roses and happiness during this time of her life.  Take the time, be upset privately and mourn it like any other loss.  Is your FI a good man?  Does he love you?  Will he care for you?  If those are all "yes" then you have it all and more than many others.  Give him the support he needs through this time and focus on your relationship with him.  You cannot control others, so share your joy with those who really want it.

AddieCake

cnoel1224 said:

Ugh ok so my fiancé has made the decision not to invite his family to our wedding next year. He had a rough childhood with very little support from his family; his dad used to be in the military and thinks his way is the only way as does his mother. My fiancé is a cop and his family always thinks they are above him and never listen to him. They told him either we have a wedding in the state we live in or they will not come- money is not an issue it's just a control thing with them. We are no questions asked having a beach wedding in s.c. They have been nothing but hurtful to him most of his life and it's only getting worse now that he is standing up to them. Thus he is hell bent on them not coming. I'm so close to my family so it's hard for me to accept that his family is simply not invite and I understand his reasonings but I have literally been in tears over this all week. I am supporting him and I also know that they will not be there and every time I bring it up he gets uber pissy which him being a stressed out cop I don't need any more of. Neither one of us need the insane stress his family brings so idk why I'm so upset over this...

Why do you keep bringing it up? He's made his feelings clear, and you should leave it alone. I don't understand the tears. You're crying b/c your fiance doesn't want to be around toxic and hurtful people? Family is an accident of DNA, and nobody should have to have someone in their lives who is toxic or hurtful just b/c they share DNA. 

One of the best decisions of my life was when I cut toxic family members out of my life. I had an ex who could not understand this b/c he was so big on family. I resented his attitude and him for constantly trying to get me to reconcile with people that I simply can't stand and who have been ugly toward me. Please. please, please stop bugging your fiance about this. 

HisGirlFriday13

Ditto Addie. DH has cut his parents out of his life, for a lot of the same reasons your FI wants to.

I understand why, even though it's hard for me to fathom it, because my family is super-close. But I made the decision to back his play because that's what he needed from his wife. That's how marriage works.

You need to back your FI's play. You also need to stop bringing it up with him. He's made his decision. Let it go.

[Deleted User]

I agree with the PPs. Your FI has made the decision about what he wants to do about his family situation and you need to respect that. Both H and I are estranged from our fathers and respected each other's choices to exclude them from the wedding. Be on your FI's side.

tmclawchick

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Ditto Addie. DH has cut his parents out of his life, for a lot of the same reasons your FI wants to. I understand why, even though it's hard for me to fathom it, because my family is super-close. But I made the decision to back his play because that's what he needed from his wife. That's how marriage works. You need to back your FI's play. You also need to stop bringing it up with him. He's made his decision. Let it go.

Ditto alllll of this. FI cut his whole mother's side out after DS was born, and even though I couldn't relate to it, I supported him because that's what he needed. His whole mother's side (except his brother) will not be attending our wedding.

My advice is to support him through this. Cutting your family out of your life isn't an easy decision for anyone, and he probably doesn't appreciate you bringing it up so much. He needs to know you're in his corner.

ReturnOfKuus

I don't know why you're upset over this, either.  It's not your family; you have no history or emotional ties to these people.  In fact, it's barely even any of your business.  What is the problem here?

Amyzen83

I'm sorry to hear this about your fi, at first I had a hard time fathoming that my fi won't be inviting his sister to our wedding and I knew the backstory of it so I understand why but it still kinda saddened me that it came down to this. However because it's his family and she was a toxic woman to both fi and fmil I respect their wishes and they are more important to me than some manipulative lying woman they happen to share blood with. Cheer up OP and trust your fi' feelings and decision, besides he could be sparing you both unnecessary drama on your day!

CLI242009

OP you need to back your FI in this decision and stop budding in. It's one thing if you've never witnessed or know the deep root of the problems (Example if it was YOUR mother trying to convince him or a different relative) but you KNOW what they did to him. You KNOW how they treat him. Why would you want him to keep going to these people?

My FI had to be the one to pull me away from my toxic family. I never believed my family was bad for me. I didn't want to believe it. Now, I live in NY with him, we're getting married, it's been 7 years since my last heart surgery, his family treats me the way I always wished my own family would treat me & I have a clean bill of health from my cardiologist.

Cutting ties with his family will probably eliminate majority of your stress. Let him do this and you need to support him. There might even be a small part of him that has an emotional breakdown because he finally did go through with it. You need to be there to support him if this happens not rooting for the other side, who don't deserve any support.

You being emotional is probably because you are so close with your family. You can't fathom your family treating you the way that his family does. Or it could be you are imagining (consciously or subconsciously) your family treating you this way and that is making the emotional response, because it would tear you a part if your family ever did treat you that way.

In the end this is your FI's decision and you need to back him up on it. You will be his wife. He needs to know in making decisions like this he has your support, whether you understand or not.

hmonkey

CLI242009 said:

stop budding in. 

CLI242009

hmonkey said:

CLI242009 said:

stop budding in. 

Budding in was probably the wrong phrase. Sorry don't know why I put that. I was trying to say for her to stop keep pushing the issue and drop it. Let him make this decision and for her to have his back.

Wzz

aside from all the budding in, i thnk you also need to realize that not all people have an awesome bond with their family. you don't have to agree with it, and you don't have to feel the same way about your own family. but it would probably mean a lot to your fiance to know that you understand that he doesn't feel the same way about his DNA that you feel about yours. some people don't feel obligated to their family members because they share genetics. that is OK. it's too bad you don't respect that.