NWR vent-FMIL's holiday demands *Long Sorry!*

afox007

We have three sets of parents to juggle holidays with between the two of us (two from me and FI's mom/step dad). We have done our best to divide holidays as best we can. Xmas is easy my bio dad is on the way to my mom's so we're going to do breakfast with him and my step mom on our way to xmas eve with my parents and siblings. FMIL is coming for dinner Xmas day. That's actually the only holiday biodad and I ever have really seen each other so the rest of the holidays come down to FMIL vs my family. I admit while we see both mom's on or at least the day before each holiday my mom does get more time. FI can only deal with his mom in small doses and as an only child LOVES the huge family chaos that comes from holidays in a seven kid family. 

I just got a call from FI that his mom called him at work wanting to know why things can't just be like when he was with his ex wife. Apparently to make things easier FI and his ex had both sets of parents over for every holiday. We have a decent sized house, but the layout results in a fairly small dining area and even smaller living room so there's no way that would work since I have 6 siblings from 19-6 years old. She suggested taking ex wife's tradition and just doing it at heer place which is half the size so that would be worse. Now she is trying to pressure FI into just making my mom invite her and his stepdad for EVERY holiday. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. She gets drunk and loses any sense of brain to mouth filter and I can see my mom or my grandma kicking her out within 5 minutes. 

FI said no and she responded by crying and saying he's abandoning her, I'm more important than her, and she's losing her baby. 

HisGirlFriday13

Welcome to the holidays! 

@CallaLily25 just posted a similar thread earlier today.

It sounds like your FI has a good handle on things -- telling his mother no and being firm about it. And the reality is, things change. Families change. Lives change.

As I posted in Calla's thread: 

The other day, when she asked about doing something on an upcoming Saturday, he said, "Let me ask HisGirl if that works for her or if we have other plans."

His grandmother said, "Oh, so you have to ask HisGirl now. You didn't use to have to ask anyone for permission to do things -- before, when you were single."

He said, 'But I'm not single. I'm a husband, and HisGirl is my wife, and my highest priority. You know that, you just don't like it, and that's not my problem.'

She's also asked him, 'So, are you happy, or are you going to divorce her and move back home and take care of me like I planned?' (She raised him).

She keeps playing the 'You're abandoning me!' card with DH, too. We were trying to arrange the holidays (as I also said the Calla's thread), and we had this problem: 

DH's grandmother DEMANDED that we spend Thanksgiving with her. Fine, whatever. Then she said to us, "But since you spent Christmas with HisGirl's family last year, that means I get Christmas this year." And DH said, "No, you don't. You get one holiday, and you demanded that it be Thanksgiving, so that's what you get." 

She's not happy about it, but he is standing firm on it, and no amount of guilt-tripping from her is swaying his opinion. We offered to see her Christmas Eve for lunch and she said, "No, if I can't have Christmas Day itself, I don't want anything."

DH looked her square in the eye and said, "Fine. We'll see you next year sometime, then." And walked away.

She called him a few hours later, contrite, and we're now seeing her the Saturday before Christmas for lunch.

smalfrie19

I see these threads and I just feel so blessed that my FI's father is a Jehovah's Witness and doesn't celebrate holidays and is mother and step father are pretty much aloof and don't really celebrate the holidays either. Means we spend holidays with my family and his sister

hlvonb

@afox007

FI and I are lucky enough that are families live 45 minutes from each other and usually don't celebrate things on the same days anyway.

I would say that as along as you and your FI are united and stand firm everything will be fine. She will HAVE to learn to accept that things are changing.

Maybe copy and paste some of the things that @HisGirlFriday13 's husband said so your FI can use them

cruffino

Yeah....any chance your FI only has brothers and no sisters? My sister married a man who only has one brother and I'm marrying a man who has two brothers (and no sisters).

We have a running theory that mothers of only boys wig out when their sons get married.

Aha! I just read closer and saw you mentioned that he's an only child. Support for our theory!

misssunshine17

That is seriously not cool. Like I said in the other thread, this needs to be shut down... now. Your FI needs to back you and your joint decisions 100%.

afox007

cruffino said:

Yeah....any chance your FI only has brothers and no sisters? My sister married a man who only has one brother and I'm marrying a man who has two brothers (and no sisters). We have a running theory that mothers of only boys wig out when their sons get married. Aha! I just read closer and saw you mentioned that he's an only child. Support for our theory!

He's an only child so yup supports the theory!

afox007

HisGirlFriday13 I*'m going to go check that thread right now. We tried doing this how you dealt with DH's grandma my mom gets us for dinner Thanksgiving since FMIL insists she be with us Christmas day (she doesn't realize that Christmas day has never been a thing at home when I lived there it was play with what you got and someone will bring home McDonalds). Plus she gets us either prior to heading to my mom's or the full day before Thanksgiving.

I almost wish she was hoping he would leave me to take care of her, instead her plan is if/when FSFIL passes away she wants to move in and take care of any kids we have in exchange for rent. So that will be a fun new fight in the future

afox007

ok so after reading CallaLily25's post I feel a little better. Two unreasonable women, but at least FI isn't expected to stay the night. With FMIL I'm mostly hung up on the fact that marrying ME means he's abandoning her...he was married for 11 years, but NOW is when she's losing him somehow?

HisGirlFriday13

@afox007 -- Honestly, the key is having a FI/DH who backs your play. It hasn't been easy -- DH and I had some fights about it while we were still engaged -- but we've gotten to the point where he backs me against her.

Part of what helped were when I said, in an argument, "You asked me to make a family with you, and I did, but I need you to respect the family of us over the family of origin." I also turned the tables on him and said, "How would you feel if MY parents said to YOU some of the things YOUR grandmother has said to ME?" (A list which is headed by her comment, 'You're not really family. I don't care whether you married him or not.")

@krizzo17 made a good point in that same thread today -- that many of us have MILs, FMILs, SMILs, FSMILs, etc. who DIDN'T create their own traditions. DH's grandmother sort-of did -- she left her family of origin (her parents and brother) and only ever did things with her husband's family on holidays from then on. She expected that from her DIL (didn't get it), and now from me (not going to get it).

I have told DH repeatedly, "I may not like your grandmother, but I will respect her, and I will do what you and I reasonably can to ensure that she gets to see (most of)* her family on the holiday. But I am not going to short-change MY family, nor am I going to cut into OUR time as a couple to accommodate her requests when she's being unreasonable. Christmas Eve lunch was perfectly reasonable. For her to demand Christmas Day instead -- when we are newlyweds AND we both have to work -- is ludicrous."

He agreed and told her that. She pitched a fit, he called her bluff, and we made new plans with her.

* by most of, I mean that, in her perfect world, she would see her son (a raging alcoholic who spent his children's childhoods ignoring the fact their mother was abusing them OR took them with him to AA meetings for 'quality bonding time'), her daughter, her three grandsons, the grandson's son, but preferably not the grandson's DW (me) or FI (great-grandson's mother). 

DH and his brother do not want to have a relationship with their father because he was both abusive (when he was home) and absentee the rest of the time. They have told her this, repeatedly, and she keeps inviting him to events, then acting all surprised when her grandsons are offended. 

This holiday, it's coming to a head. DH and his brother have told her, "If you invite him, we will get up and leave," and they both mean it. So, I'm waiting to see what happens. 

(My vote, of course, is that we leave and never see her again, but that's just me).

afox007

HisGirlFriday13 said:

@afox007 -- Honestly, the key is having a FI/DH who backs your play. It hasn't been easy -- DH and I had some fights about it while we were still engaged -- but we've gotten to the point where he backs me against her.

STUCK IN THE BOX: that is literally the one thing I have learned on here that makes me value FI so much more than I already did. I have seen more threads than I want to count of women whose SO who won't stand up to their families for them or the relationship and FI has done this since the first day I met anyone in his family. His family and ex family may be a huge source of problems, but so far haven't created a problem for us as a couple. 

HisGirlFriday13

THAT is AWESOME -- congrats!! If you have him backing you, that's more than half the battle.