Wedding Woes

Advice please!!!

Long story short, we are paying for our wedding ourselves and I'm graduating college a few months prior. We slimed down our guest list to our close family and friends (including the children and dates we settled on 70) 35 on each side. I called my aunt who is out-of-state to wish her a Merry Christmas and she mentioned how some of my cousins and other family who live in a totally different state are upset they did not receive a save the date and were already planning a trip to come for the wedding. I explained that we would love for everyone to come but as 2 relatively young people paying for it ourselves with student loans on the side, it is not feasible for us. This is family that lives 10 hours away an I haven't heard from in over a year... They know of our engagement via Facebook. I would love for everyone to come, but we can not afford it! One of my older cousins actually told my mom, "We (as in her and the 4 others in her own immediate family) are coming even if we don't get an invite." How else can I handle this other than telling them the truth because that obviously isn't working. That particular cousin is just 1 of many we had to cut off the guest list. Not to mention, her and I speak maybe once every 2 years when I road trip up to see family. Help!
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Re: Advice please!!!

  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Just put your foot down and tell them that they aren't invited -- YOU need to call them, not filter things through your mom or aunt. Be forceful.

  • agreed. you're going to have to have a conversation about this, and just be firm. "hi aunt, how are you? mom told me that you're planning to come to my wedding, but i wanted to talk to you about that. we had to make some difficult decisions on our guest list because our budget is really small. can we make plans to visit [think of a time that you can either travel 10 hours, or invite aunt to come visit you]?"
  • Tell your aunt, 'I heard from Cousin X that she plans to attend even without an invitation, which is unfortunate because if she does, there won't be chairs and meals for her and her family and I'd hate for everyone to know she's being a rude wedding crasher when she has to leave because there's no room.'

    Remind your aunt and cousin that this isn't a family potluck and there literally will not be room for them if they comr.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Thanks y'all. I wish we could invite everyone, it just doesn't work that way.
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  • Oooh that's tough! I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, and that's the tough thing about having to keep your guest list small is the fact that people are going to be left out. With that said though, it sounds like you are making a responsible choice based on the fact that you are hosting who you can afford. I agree with PPs, you need to have a heart to heart with these people and tell them that you had to make the tough decision to have a smaller wedding and were unable to accommodate as many as you would have liked. I also respect the fact that you have not asked anybody for money but are doing this on your own. Just remain firm and perhaps tell them that after you and FI are married, perhaps you could see them more and focus on building your relationship with them after. The way I see this is that your wedding guests should be people you are close to at the point in your life you are getting married. A wedding is not the time to fix damaged or distant relationships, there is life after the wedding and I feel like many people forget this aspect of life.
    Gina0887
  • Facing a similar situation, we set and cut down our max. guest list. and who they are. There are cousins, extended family ect that will not be getting an invite. Fiances mother has already said something about them getting an invite, that she wants them there and will invite them. We have told her, that since we are paying for it ourselves, there will be no extra seats, no extra room, and if these people were to show up that she will have to deal with them. My fiance will be giving some of those a call as well. Put your foot down and give them a call if needed, explain your situation to them.
  • My sister (is MOH as well) made a comment yesterday about how "it's all going to be his family". I explained to her, no, we both cut the list. A lot. We would prefer our closest people we actually talk to to be there than a family reunion. She asked who some of the people were (there are 5 couples my FMIL and FFIL invited and are paying for themselves) and she got all upset over it. I'm can try to work more overtime but being a mom -- in school full time -- working a full time job.... I can't kill myself so distant relatives can have a vacation and party. I think she's really upset because we were looking at honeymoons and she never had a honeymoon when she got married (didn't have the money for it because they invited 250 people). Frustrating.
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  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    I'd also like to add that money is not the only valid reason for trimming the guest list.  FMIL and FFIL keep telling us to invite various extended family members we have never met, because those people are "rich" and "will give you a nice check."  Can we afford to add another table at our reception?  Absolutely.  Do I want somebody at my wedding that neither I nor Fi has ever met?  Absolutely not.  

    Just beware of using the budget as your explanation, in case the hangers-on volunteer to pay for their plate or something equally tacky.  A simple "We are keeping the event small" should be enough.  The more reasons you offer, the more ways somebody has to argue with you.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    Gina0887
  • I'd also like to add that money is not the only valid reason for trimming the guest list.  FMIL and FFIL keep telling us to invite various extended family members we have never met, because those people are "rich" and "will give you a nice check."  Can we afford to add another table at our reception?  Absolutely.  Do I want somebody at my wedding that neither I nor Fi has ever met?  Absolutely not.  

    Just beware of using the budget as your explanation, in case the hangers-on volunteer to pay for their plate or something equally tacky.  A simple "We are keeping the event small" should be enough.  The more reasons you offer, the more ways somebody has to argue with you.
    Oh, I hate when people say the bolded to me.  I would hate for my dearest friends and family to ever think that I only see them as a good wedding present.  I took someone off my guest list to avoid him thinking that.  I hadn't seen him for a while, and I figured I would rather see him when he didn't feel obliged to give a present, so I'll catch up over coffee sometime. 

    Gina0887
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