My FMIL wants a "PPD" for Christmas morning

JCbride2015

This was just so weird I had to share, thought you all would appreciate this *fun* new twist on a PPD.

On Christmas I posted that FMIL and FSIL were being super whiny when we put our foot down about not coming over early on Christmas morning.  We went over there at 2:00 in the afternoon and things were okay, just a little tense.  Everybody's pretty much over it or so I thought; we skipped NYE too and I'm super glad we set our boundaries.

Just got a Facebook group message from FMIL: She is "sad sad sad" that we forgot to take the "traditional" Christmas morning photo (photo of the "kids" in their PJs on the staircase).  She asked if we can all come over for Jan 6th (this is a Catholic holiday, not sure what to really call it.  Fi calls it La Befana) and put on our PJs and re-enact Christmas morning so she can get her picture. 

Fi's comment to me: "She really needs a grandchild to take her focus."  Neither of us has addressed her about this yet.  All the other siblings were commenting on it about how they think it's a cute idea.  FBIL's Fi, who is wayyyyy involved with FPILs, commented that she didn't take her jammies off all day because she wanted to take the photo, but everyone else forgot, and don't blame her for this.

I think this is hilarious because she basically wants a PPD since her Christmas morning didn't work out the way she wanted.  Are we all going to give each other fake presents too?

hlvonb

Wow. I would tell her no. She's acting like a child.

chibiyui

You're FMIL is cray-cray.

KytchynWitche

Your FMIL is crazy. Welcome to the club, you'll receive your membership card by mail in 4-6 weeks, which will entitle you to discounts on wine at your local liquor store. ;P

6 Jan is the Epiphany in the Catholic church. If your FI calls it Befana, I'm assuming he has Italian ancestry?

HisGirlFriday13

Holy effing shitballs. Really?!

Your FI is wrong; at this juncture, a grandbaby would make things worse, because she can barely manage to share the kids she has now, let alone a grandchild!

bethsmiles

That's absolutely insane!

Chipmunk415

Evil Chipmunk would show up in absolutely nothing and say "this is what I wear to bed"- might wear a babydoll to go from car to house.

Evil Chipmunk would also say since the day you are referring to is 12th Night, or Epiphany, you and your husband should show up dressed as the Magi and pick what your offering is: Gold, Frankinsense, or Myrrh. When she throws the fit that you're not in your pjs, point out that the celebration of Christ's birth has ended, and you are now celebrating the manifestation of His divinity to the rest of the world. It will throw her for a good one.

misssunshine17

I'm not going to lie, I was rubbed the wrong way about your comments about wearing pjs since we do that (more since I'm lazy and like being comfortable) but that is just stupid. Say no. She sounds like the kind of person who will take a mile if you give her an inch. You FI is completely wrong- a grandchild will only fuel this fire of making you crazy. You need to establish NOW that you're not going to do everything she asks. 

sarahufl

My FI's family is local, mine is not. They are GREAT about being cool about us traveling to see my family at holidays since we see them all the time. They are having us over for a post-Christmas dinner, which they usually do. Perfectly nice and normal, but there will be NO Christmas jammies involved!

AddieCake

Hell no. 

emmyg65

I do have to say that you are so lucky to have a FI who's on your side and sets boundaries. 

How old are these kids that they still do the matching jammies thing?

Emmy1493

Shes crazy. Lets take her to the Asylum, shall we?

jdluvr06

Shes crazy. Lets take her to the Asylum, shall we?

The Name Game! That is like my favorite episode ever!!!!

Emmy1493

jdluvr06 said:

Shes crazy. Lets take her to the Asylum, shall we?

The Name Game! That is like my favorite episode ever!!!!

Haha it was a very good one.  

JCbride2015

urbaneca said:

Your FMIL is crazy. Welcome to the club, you'll receive your membership card by mail in 4-6 weeks, which will entitle you to discounts on wine at your local liquor store. ;P

6 Jan is the Epiphany in the Catholic church. If your FI calls it Befana, I'm assuming he has Italian ancestry?

Yep, FMIL is Sicilian born and raised, moved here in her teens (FPIL is Italian/Polish).  Fi adorably didn't know English words for a lot of kitchen items when we started dating because his mom always used the Italian word and he didn't know it was different in English!

And please get that membership card in the mail, I could really use some amaretto for my coffee right now!

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Holy effing shitballs. Really?! Your FI is wrong; at this juncture, a grandbaby would make things worse, because she can barely manage to share the kids she has now, let alone a grandchild!

Yeah he knows that-- the baby thing was sarcastic.  She got a tiny dog last year which she dresses up in costumes, but apparently that just isn't enough.  /Maybe she needs her own new baby? /end sarcasm

emmyg65 said:

I do have to say that you are so lucky to have a FI who's on your side and sets boundaries. 

How old are these kids that they still do the matching jammies thing?

Yes, I am lucky.  Fi is great.  The "Kids" are: 28 (Fi is oldest), 25, 22, 21.  She also meant including me and FBIL's Fi who is also my age, 26.  She and FBIL have no boundaries and do everything with the family-- this is the girl who was saying she kept her jammies on all day.  I really love her and she is great for FBIL, but they are just way more into doing family stuff than Fi and I.  So it makes it extra hard to set our boundaries, since they don't really have them.

We haven't yet responded but I'm sure we'll get a call or text about this soon.  Part of me is like, this is ridiculous but it won't hurt.  Considering we skipped half of the family events we were begged to come to this Christmas, it's not like we give in every time.  But the other part of me is like, this is SO ridiculous I just can't take part.

I might acquiesce to taking the picture in my regular clothes.  I have to think about this a little more.  I'm just not sure I can contain my eye rolling long enough to get a good pic!

And a disclaimer: when I back away from the details, I see that this is coming from a place of love.  She's having a really hard time with her "kids" leaving the nest.  She could be crazy in many worse ways.  I really love FMIL, she has been there for me and Fi through a lot of heavy shit.  But she just needs to let us go a little.

Oh and sadly, I have no idea what the reference is with that GIF.

JCbride2015

scribe95 said:

I think it's crazy to re-enact it.

But I don't think she's insane to have a family tradition that she enjoys every year like opening presents up Christmas morning with her kids. Sounds similar to what we do.

Not sure if you saw the original post or not: the kids are all 21+ and two are out of the house.  The other son who is out of the house is engaged and a homeowner.  His Fi brought her own mom and brother to FPIL's house so they could spend Christmas Eve with FILs; the mom and brother also stayed in their PJs all morning and opened presents.  

I don't think there's anything weird whatsoever about opening presents Christmas morning in your PJs with your kids who are still in the house, or even grown kids who WANT to come back and enjoy that tradition.  There is something a little weird about inviting your future ILs over to do it, and something wrong with not taking "No" for an answer when your 28-year-old son and his Fi don't want to drive an hour at 7am on Christmas to get there in time for the PJ party.

No problem with the tradition-- my problem is with their attempt to guilt us into doing it when we had clearly said no.  But that was a whole other post.  I thought it was all behind us until I got this crazy Facebook message!

Emmy1493

JCBride2014 said:

urbaneca said:

Your FMIL is crazy. Welcome to the club, you'll receive your membership card by mail in 4-6 weeks, which will entitle you to discounts on wine at your local liquor store. ;P

6 Jan is the Epiphany in the Catholic church. If your FI calls it Befana, I'm assuming he has Italian ancestry?

Yep, FMIL is Sicilian born and raised, moved here in her teens (FPIL is Italian/Polish).  Fi adorably didn't know English words for a lot of kitchen items when we started dating because his mom always used the Italian word and he didn't know it was different in English!

And please get that membership card in the mail, I could really use some amaretto for my coffee right now!

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Holy effing shitballs. Really?! Your FI is wrong; at this juncture, a grandbaby would make things worse, because she can barely manage to share the kids she has now, let alone a grandchild!

Yeah he knows that-- the baby thing was sarcastic.  She got a tiny dog last year which she dresses up in costumes, but apparently that just isn't enough.  /Maybe she needs her own new baby? /end sarcasm

emmyg65 said:

I do have to say that you are so lucky to have a FI who's on your side and sets boundaries. 

How old are these kids that they still do the matching jammies thing?

Yes, I am lucky.  Fi is great.  The "Kids" are: 28 (Fi is oldest), 25, 22, 21.  She also meant including me and FBIL's Fi who is also my age, 26.  She and FBIL have no boundaries and do everything with the family-- this is the girl who was saying she kept her jammies on all day.  I really love her and she is great for FBIL, but they are just way more into doing family stuff than Fi and I.  So it makes it extra hard to set our boundaries, since they don't really have them.

We haven't yet responded but I'm sure we'll get a call or text about this soon.  Part of me is like, this is ridiculous but it won't hurt.  Considering we skipped half of the family events we were begged to come to this Christmas, it's not like we give in every time.  But the other part of me is like, this is SO ridiculous I just can't take part.

I might acquiesce to taking the picture in my regular clothes.  I have to think about this a little more.  I'm just not sure I can contain my eye rolling long enough to get a good pic!

And a disclaimer: when I back away from the details, I see that this is coming from a place of love.  She's having a really hard time with her "kids" leaving the nest.  She could be crazy in many worse ways.  I really love FMIL, she has been there for me and Fi through a lot of heavy shit.  But she just needs to let us go a little.

Oh and sadly, I have no idea what the reference is with that GIF.

American Horror Story, Asylum lol. Sorry I should have said that.

I get wanting to keep a tradition, but to guilt trip is very immature.

pumpkinsandturkeys

I know you said it can't hurt to go along with it, but it CAN.

As soon as you start humouring her delusions about her kids still being small children under her control and her roof, you start to lose your own independence and identity, and any hope of freedom you have for the future.

It may seem to some people like a small thing to go along with it and take the photo in the pjs, but then you're just feeding the beast, and she could use that against you in the future to coerce you into doing something else you disagree with.

Tread carefully.

JCbride2015

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

I know you said it can't hurt to go along with it, but it CAN.

As soon as you start humouring her delusions about her kids still being small children under her control and her roof, you start to lose your own independence and identity, and any hope of freedom you have for the future.

It may seem to some people like a small thing to go along with it and take the photo in the pjs, but then you're just feeding the beast, and she could use that against you in the future to coerce you into doing something else you disagree with.

Tread carefully.

ETA: well that was weird.  My whole comment didn't post, except for the quote.

What I meant was, part of me thinks it can't hurt, while part of me know it can as you described.

We only just saw the message late last night, so I need to talk with Fi about what to do.  I don't mind going over there for dinner if she wants to celebrate La Befana, but I'm not wearing PJs and re-enacting Christmas morning.  If she wants a picture, I will be fully clothed.

ElcaB

Tell her you'll be happy to reenact Christmas if she's happy to give you more presents. You wouldn't have to fake your Christmas-morning enthusiasm in the photo!

lc07

Tell me I'm not the only one who thinks she didn't "forget" to take the picture. I think this is her way of making you be a part of something that you declined to be a part of in the first place. I do not think this is in any way an accident that it's happening after the fact.

JCbride2015

lc07 said:

Tell me I'm not the only one who thinks she didn't "forget" to take the picture. I think this is her way of making you be a part of something that you declined to be a part of in the first place. I do not think this is in any way an accident that it's happening after the fact.

I think it's possible she decided not to take it that day because everybody was annoyed at each other, and regretted it later.  

They are coming over our house for dinner tomorrow (we invited them a couple weeks ago before this happened and it would be petty to un-invite them), and we are not going over there on Sunday.  Fi firmly told them "no" over the phone today.

lc07

I'm glad you won't be doing the picture and that you and FI are so united on this. I can just imagine this circulating on social media. Me in a PPD christmas pajama photo. No thanks! And I agree there's no point in un-inviting them to dinner since their request was just weird and not necessarily rude. Yay for you and your FI being on the same page.

HisGirlFriday13

But the key difference, @scribe95, is that you all woke up there, already in your pyjamas. You didn't travel to there in your jammies just to open presents.

And you have to travel from OT to spend the holidays with your parents. It's not like you're local and giving up sleeping in your bed to spend the night in your childhood home.

The pyjamas thing is weird to me only because she wants to re-enact it AND she wants grown-ass adults to leave their homes in their jammies to come to her house, or to change into jammies once they're there.

JCbride2015

Even if somebody wants to travel there in their PJs, that's their business... if everybody's having fun, I'm not gonna judge.  The parts that were extra weird to me were the in-law thing, and now the fact that FMIL wants to re-enact all of this in our PJs.  Plus them calling us to complain after we already said no (it is not a tradition and we have never done this).

I really don't appreciate the implication that we are blowing off Christmas morning to sleep in.  Fi and I are a family and for the past five years, Christmas morning is private between the two of us.  That's our tradition and how we like to spend the holiday.

MobKaz

scribe95 said:

That's cool. We just clearly have different values. I would never not attend a family tradition that my mother loves and cherishes to have private alone time. I have private alone time with my SO all the time. Christmas morning is for family. That's how it works with us.

I am a parent of adult children.  I am also a MIL, twice.  

I do not see this as an issue of values.  These are traditions.  I LOVE my family traditions.  We have a large, close knit, extended family.  The majority of my nieces and nephews are now adults. Most are married; many have children.  

Each and every one of those young adults have a right to create their own family traditions.  Our mantra each and every year lately is that we cannot expect what we do on one holiday to remain the same.  We are an ever growing and changing family.  The priority is being together.  If we can uphold a few traditions, great.  If not, then the point is to be together.

I have a friend who had a MIL who demanded they spend Christmas Eve night at her home.  My friend hated it but never wanted to rock the boat.  The children of my friend never woke up in their own home, in their own pj's on Christmas morning.  That's just wrong.

banana468

scribe95 said:

That's cool. We just clearly have different values. I would never not attend a family tradition that my mother loves and cherishes to have private alone time. I have private alone time with my SO all the time. Christmas morning is for family. That's how it works with us.

Am i the only one who thinks this post comes off as incredibly sanctimonious? The OP already clarified that turning down her MIL's request was not a family tradition. It was a new thing that is now a big "to do."

Traditions also need to start somewhere. As you grow up and leave your parents' home, it becomes time too start new traditions.

banana468

scribe95 said:

I took the reference to the picture every year as a tradition of opening presents together Christmas morning and then taking a photo. If not, I apologize. Look I think the MIL is weird for the reenactment etc. I just thought the attack on her for basically wanting all her family around for Christmas morning to be a little harsh.

I think you missed the OP. This was never a tradition. For the last several years the OP and her FI have spent Christmas morning together alone. The desires of the FMIL are brand new.

JCbride2015

banana468 said:

I took the reference to the picture every year as a tradition of opening presents together Christmas morning and then taking a photo. If not, I apologize. Look I think the MIL is weird for the reenactment etc. I just thought the attack on her for basically wanting all her family around for Christmas morning to be a little harsh.

I think you missed the OP. This was never a tradition. For the last several years the OP and her FI have spent Christmas morning together alone. The desires of the FMIL are brand new.

Yep, I think some of the miscommunication here is coming from the underlying issue being in a different post.  Fi and I have never attended Christmas morning at FMIL's house since we moved in together five years ago.  The picture on the stairs was tradition when they were kids and she is now trying to revive it, but we've never been part of that.  For some reason this year she freaked out, but that's the way it has always been.  Now that Fi's younger bros and sis are growing up too, I think she has empty nest syndrome.

And Scribe, you're right, I'm not trying to attack FMIL for wanting her family around.  Of course she does.  She just needs to respect our boundaries, too.  We spent all night Christmas Eve with them and came back again on Christmas Day in the afternoon.  And they didn't even ask or try to plan ahead of time for us to go over on Christmas morning-- we offered to come over in the afternoon and they started pushing for early morning (this was at 1:30am on Christmas Eve).  So the whole thing really came out of left field.