NWR: Has anyone ever been to an al-anon meeting?

climbingsingle

Things with my brother have come to a head within the past few days. Because my parents live 90 minutes away, they've gotten me so involved in this situation, that it's taking over my life. I had to go to his condo Friday morning because he was "missing". I thought I was going to find him dead. Anyway, we had an intervention Saturday. It did not go well. I told my brother that I'm done with him. My parents are enablers too, which just makes it so much worse. 

I can't get to a meeting tonight but I plan to go tomorrow. I've been to AA meetings (with my dad and to support a friend), but I have no idea about al-anon. Are they similar? 

JCbride2015

I have not been to AA or al-anon, but my mom used to go when she was married to my dad and he was going through substance abuse.  She said it can be a little harsh in that they really have no tolerance for the addict, encourage you to cut off all contact, really tough love stuff.  But it was helpful for her to realize how not to enable and how to help herself get through it.

ETA: realized it wasn't clear-- my mom has been to both NA (with my dad) and al-anon, but my comments are about al-anon specifically.

climbingsingle

Thanks JC! That is good to know. I'm sure I could probably use some encouragement. My mom keeps talking to me about everything and I keep getting sucked back in. 

JCbride2015

Yeah I think al-anon is good at helping you not get sucked in.  I'm so sorry to hear about your brother.  Best of luck!

cruffino

i am so sorry to hear about your brother. the addiction of a loved one is truly a horrible, seemingly never-ending, stressful experience. 

i have been to an al-anon meeting (as well as AA and OA), and at one point was very involved with 12 step work. al-anon is very similarly organized, and since you've been to AA you know what to expect. voluntary sharing organized around a personal story or a big book reading. no pressure to talk. i think its wonderful that you are choosing to go and i hope that it brings you some peace. 

climbingsingle

Thank you @cruffino ! I'm really hoping it brings me some peace too. I need to do something. I barely slept last night. I can't concentrate on work today. 

cruffino

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Thank you @cruffino ! I'm really hoping it brings me some peace too. I need to do something. I barely slept last night. I can't concentrate on work today. 

i feel for you. the constant worry just gnaws at your heart and mind. one of FI's brothers is an addict and i hate seeing what FI goes through. he is just heartbroken and is let down at every turn. it doesn't help that his parents are enablers (to a certain degree), but i can't imagine how they, as parents, are feeling. it really just sucks. 

unfortunately your brother must come to terms with his addiction himself (sounds like you know this). you are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. there really is nothing more you can do. FI thinks i'm being "cold" sometimes when i tell him this, but i'm just being honest. its a terrible helpless feeling to let go, but its part of the process. 

climbingsingle

cruffino said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Thank you @cruffino ! I'm really hoping it brings me some peace too. I need to do something. I barely slept last night. I can't concentrate on work today. 

i feel for you. the constant worry just gnaws at your heart and mind. one of FI's brothers is an addict and i hate seeing what FI goes through. he is just heartbroken and is let down at every turn. it doesn't help that his parents are enablers (to a certain degree), but i can't imagine how they, as parents, are feeling. it really just sucks. 

unfortunately your brother must come to terms with his addiction himself (sounds like you know this). you are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. there really is nothing more you can do. FI thinks i'm being "cold" sometimes when i tell him this, but i'm just being honest. its a terrible helpless feeling to let go, but its part of the process. 

That's really very true. Again, thank you. 

FI's brother is an addict too. He's dealt with the same things I have for years. I actually feel guilty for putting FI through this right now - it's bringing up a lot of bad memories for him. FI's brother is currently trying to quit oxys. They really barely have a relationship. I used to be a little critical of how FI turned his back on his brother. And now I completely understand. I'm actually heartbroken for both of us. 

cruffino

ClimbingBrideNY said:

cruffino said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Thank you @cruffino ! I'm really hoping it brings me some peace too. I need to do something. I barely slept last night. I can't concentrate on work today. 

i feel for you. the constant worry just gnaws at your heart and mind. one of FI's brothers is an addict and i hate seeing what FI goes through. he is just heartbroken and is let down at every turn. it doesn't help that his parents are enablers (to a certain degree), but i can't imagine how they, as parents, are feeling. it really just sucks. 

unfortunately your brother must come to terms with his addiction himself (sounds like you know this). you are doing the right thing by taking care of yourself. there really is nothing more you can do. FI thinks i'm being "cold" sometimes when i tell him this, but i'm just being honest. its a terrible helpless feeling to let go, but its part of the process. 

That's really very true. Again, thank you. 

FI's brother is an addict too. He's dealt with the same things I have for years. I actually feel guilty for putting FI through this right now - it's bringing up a lot of bad memories for him. FI's brother is currently trying to quit oxys. They really barely have a relationship. I used to be a little critical of how FI turned his back on his brother. And now I completely understand. I'm actually heartbroken for both of us. 

my heart goes out to you and your FI. in addition to dealing with addiction in me and FI's family, i work in the drug law/addiction field, so i deal with it every day at work too. its really one of those things that people can't understand until they live it. 

in a way, i'm glad your FI can relate, even though its hard for him. you guys can lean on one another. i hope both his brother and yours eventually see the light. 

climbingsingle

Again, thank you! I really hope both of our brothers make the right choices. I'm trying to have faith, but right now it seems pretty hopeless. 

What's even worse is that my brother's FI is also an addict. They just got engaged on NYE and then apparently went on a bender. I found out more things about his FI today. Just really bad shit. It sucks. 

pumpkinsandturkeys

Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear. My FBIL is definitely an alcoholic, and the whole family knows it and has tried to turn him around, but FFIL refuses to let him hit rock bottom (which is what he needs) and still insists on supporting and enabling him, and gets very defensive when the rest of the family doesn't join him in this ("but he's your brother. End of story.").

We're currently looking into counselling options in hope that his siblings can convince him to go (either alone or with them), but I'm not holding my breath. It's definitely a long road, and hopefully things get better for you!

climbingsingle

pumpkinsandturkeys said:

Ugh, I'm so sorry to hear. My FBIL is definitely an alcoholic, and the whole family knows it and has tried to turn him around, but FFIL refuses to let him hit rock bottom (which is what he needs) and still insists on supporting and enabling him, and gets very defensive when the rest of the family doesn't join him in this ("but he's your brother. End of story.").

We're currently looking into counselling options in hope that his siblings can convince him to go (either alone or with them), but I'm not holding my breath. It's definitely a long road, and hopefully things get better for you!

Stuck in box 

I'm sorry to hear that about your FBIL. I hope you are able to get through to him! 

HisGirlFriday13

I don't have any advice or experience, but know that I'm thinking about and praying for you. DH's father is a recovering alcoholic and his sister is a drug user, so he has first-hand experience with what addiction can do to a family.

::INTERNET HUGS::

climbingsingle

HisGirlFriday13 :-)

Kauris

I have been, but it was under different circumstances. My dad is in AA, he's been sober for 18 years. When he began his sobriety, he encouraged me to go to Al-Anon, so I went. What I encountered was a bunch of women complaining about their husbands and just a lot of negativity. I told my dad I'd rather just talk to a therapist or go to AA meetings with him, which I did, and found helpful. I still read the Big Book from time to time. 

That said, I think that Al-Anon is a wonderful program, I've heard of others having great experiences with it, so if you do go to a meeting and find it's not your cup of tea, at least try a few different meetings to see if you find one that fits. Addiction is a horrible disease and it's worse because it affects those that love the addict too. I hope you brother and family come through this alright. You all are in my thoughts.