I'm so torn on inviting this girl. *Update*

climbingsingle

My MOH emailed me and asked me for a list of women I'd like included for a bachelorette party. I'm only having a MOH, so the women I'd wanted invited are my closest girlfriends who I probably would have asked to be bridesmaids if I had them. 

I realized last night that I didn't include my friend Kelly. And I'm so on the fence about including her. She will be invited to the wedding and she's already received her STD. 

Kelly and I used to be very close friends. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding 3 years ago. But we've really grown apart. And there are things she's done over the past 1.5 years that have really changed the way I think about her. 

I know that if she's not invited, she will probably feel hurt. But I just don't know if I want her included. I know that probably sounds horrible. But I just don't know what to do. 

sarahufl

Does she get along with your other guests? I say if she is invited to the wedding and you are so torn about it, you should probably invite her. You don't want to risk hurting her feelings.

That said, I don't know what the things are that she has done to change your feelings, so that may sway my opinion.

HaileyDancingbear

I think my answer would depend on why you don't want to invite her. Of course, you're not required to invite her, but if it's just that you're not super close, and you're sure her feeling would be hurt, it might be a nice gesture to just invite her- it depends on how much you don't want to hurt her feelings vs. how much you don't want her there. If her being there would cause any sort of tension or make you feel uncomfortable, or basically make the expedience less enjoyable, then don't invite her. I don't think you'd be out of line either way. And sorry about my typos, I'm on a phone and it's a pain to go back and fix them. Touch screens are a great idea until you make he text and buttons so small compared to fingers. I keep missing.

climbingsingle

Does she get along with your other guests? I say if she is invited to the wedding and you are so torn about it, you should probably invite her. You don't want to risk hurting her feelings.

That said, I don't know what the things are that she has done to change your feelings, so that may sway my opinion.

Stupid box! Curses! She gets along with most of the other guests. My MOH isn't very fond of her. Neither is another of my closest girlfriends. But mostly, she gets along with the others. 

sarahufl

IMO, if you want her there, your MOH should be polite, regardless of her feelings toward the girl. It isn't about the MOH.

Again, though, whatever she did to change your opinion may make my answer different.

climbingsingle

Ok, here are some of the things that happened that changed my opinion about her:

She treated a lot of the bridesmaids like crap during her wedding. Not necessarily warranting a Bridezilla title. But lots of bossiness and "Its MY DAY!" 

She was mad that her indoor cat peed on something so she forced it to become an outdoor cat. And then it was killed. I know this sound silly, but I am a HUGE animal lover and it made me very upset. She's done this before with pets. She gave away a dog her kid loved because she didn't like the dog and thought it was "too needy". 

When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend back in 2012, she was very unsupportive and even made me feel like shit about it, even though she knew I had been very unhappy for a long time. 

I've given numerous gifts to her kids and to her and have not received any type of "thank you". 

She's become extremely religious and extremely judgmental. 

climbingsingle

sarahufl said:

IMO, if you want her there, your MOH should be polite, regardless of her feelings toward the girl. It isn't about the MOH.

Again, though, whatever she did to change your opinion may make my answer different.

Oh, my MOH is totally on board with whatever I want to do. My MOH's feelings about this girl have no influence on whether or not I'm inviting her. 

sarahufl

got it, well- it seems like you have some legit concerns about her. Do what you feel is right. If you think the friendship is worth the effort, the invite may go a long way. If you don't, then don't worry about the stress!

pumpkinsandturkeys

If you think that you'll enjoy having her there and spending time with her, and if you feel that you'll look back on that day and wish she had been there if she wasn't, then invite her. But if you think she may cause drama or stress or make you uncomfortable, or if you feel as though the day won't be lacking without her, don't.

HaileyDancingbear

The cat thing would make me upset too. Pets learn to trust their owners, and I think it's awesome that an animal can trust us so readily, so it makes me really sad when an owner kind of betrays that by harming the pet or ditching it (and in some cases that too could harm the animal- for instance my bird climbs up the stairs to look in my bedroom for me on days I'm not around because she misses me. She'd be crushed if I just gave her away and she never saw me again.) I think if you're going to be responsible for a living thing, you should keep its best interests in mind as animals have a right to be happy too. End animal rant XD
I think the fact that she's very judgemental and wasn't a good friend to you when you needed one would be a decent reason to not invite her.

blondeej

Times like this involving alcohol and life-long memories should only involve people that 100% give you warm fuzzies and make you smile and love life. ESPECIALLY when the aforementioned alcohol is involved, IMO.

climbingsingle

blondeej said:

Times like this involving alcohol and life-long memories should only involve people that 100% give you warm fuzzies and make you smile and love life. ESPECIALLY when the aforementioned alcohol is involved, IMO.

That is a very good point. And I really don't feel warm fuzzies from her or about her at this moment. 

pinkcow13

I would not invite her if I were you. I am only inviting people that I am sure about, and that I know I will have fun with. If you have some doubts about her, that's probably enough to know you would not enjoy yourself with her. Also on a side note - I hate when people become religious and judgmental. One of my "best friends" from HS turned that way, and she became a huge hypocrite. I don't care if you are religious, but keep your judgement to yourself.

HisGirlFriday13

Don't invite her.

Actions have consequences. Treating people poorly in the name if your wedding and using your religion as a judgemental weapon are actions that earn you the consequence of not being invited to fun things.

abbyj700

I have a similar situation with a friend who I would have in the past invited to my shower and bachelorette. Not every woman who is invited to the wedding is invited to my bachelorette -so I don't feel like it would be in any way slighting her not to invite her. Though we are no longer super close - she will be invited to my local shower and our wedding - and I feel like you could chose to do the same.

PolarBearFitz

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Don't invite her. Actions have consequences. Treating people poorly in the name if your wedding and using your religion as a judgemental weapon are actions that earn you the consequence of not being invited to fun things.

This. It sounds like she may throw her misery out to you during the festivities and no one wants that. The throwing religion as a judgemental weapon during a bachelorette function sounds like a disaster waiting to happen in my opinion.

You aren't that close anymore due to various substantial reasons. Seems to me like inviting her has the potential to damper the happiness you should be feeling when bonding with your girl friends.

jdluvr06

Don't invite her. I'm a big animal lover to, like I've worked with rescue groups and stuff, and if I had a friend who was like that with their pets I probably wouldn't be able to stay friends with them at all.

climbingsingle

Thanks everyone! You've all really helped me sort this out. I'm not going to invite her. 

MyNameIsNot

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Ok, here are some of the things that happened that changed my opinion about her:

She treated a lot of the bridesmaids like crap during her wedding. Not necessarily warranting a Bridezilla title. But lots of bossiness and "Its MY DAY!" 

She was mad that her indoor cat peed on something so she forced it to become an outdoor cat. And then it was killed. I know this sound silly, but I am a HUGE animal lover and it made me very upset. She's done this before with pets. She gave away a dog her kid loved because she didn't like the dog and thought it was "too needy". 

When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend back in 2012, she was very unsupportive and even made me feel like shit about it, even though she knew I had been very unhappy for a long time. 

I've given numerous gifts to her kids and to her and have not received any type of "thank you". 

She's become extremely religious and extremely judgmental. 

I would use this as an excuse, assuming the b-party is going to involve the typical drinking and partying.  If you didn't invite her and she asked about it, you could say that you knew her new found religion would make her uncomfortable in the party situation.  

Kohl95

Agree with everyone else, but I want to add my two cents too lol..

If your first instinct is to not invite her, trust that beyond anything else.. go with your gut. it'll never let you down.

MillyLH

I think that you should think of the times before her wedding (and the cat incident.) How much do you want that back? even if may not be possible? by inviting her, it would be a generous gesture, and might, you never know, be the start of the path back to your close friendship.

climbingsingle

So a little bit of an update. Last time I saw her was in November. She invited me for a "friend party" for her son's second birthday. I had told her that I had my cousin's engagement party and that I'd stop by later. She was texting me for HOURS to see what time I was showing up. When I finally got there (only 30 minutes after this party was supposed to start) there were only 3 other friends there (her co-workers actually). It was just really weird. 

So, I brought a gift for her son and also a present for her newborn daughter. She didn't thank me in person. She never sent a thank you in the mail either. 

Yesterday I got back from out of town. I had a piece of mail from her. I thought, "Oh cool. She finally sent a thank you."

Nope. It was an invite to her daughter's baptism party. Which I'm sure she'd expect me to bring yet another gift. 

I honestly really don't feel bad not inviting her and I believe I made the right decision. It feels like the only time I hear from her is when she's inviting me to yet another gift-giving party. 

pinkcow13

Sounds like you definitely made the right decision! I would not feel bad either, if I was in your shoes.

pumpkinsandturkeys

Yikes, she sounds like a piece of work. Steer clear! Good call